Gilda

I'm just curious, because I'm not, and I can't figure out why. I have everything I thought I would ever need to make me happy:

• a stable, fulfilling, loving marriage to a beautiful woman
• lots of cool stuff, car, home, home theater
• a sister who has made the journey from haunted and miserable to happy and fulfilled
• a truly kickass comic book collection
• a career in which I'm skilled, accomplished, and respected
• a beautiful, supportive internet girlfriend
• a church that supports and accepts me and my family

I look at that, and I think, how can I not be happy?

I'm ok most of the time, not happy, not unhappy, just kind of existing.

I have happy moments. I, on occasion, have happy days, but most of the time, a "good" day is one where nothing seriously bad happens. Good is defined by the absense of pain, not the presense of pleasure. I very seldom have happy nights.

And it seems that this is a kind of betrayal of those people in my life who love me, as if to say that having them be there for me with their unconditional love isn't enough to make me happy, that they aren't good enough for me. I don't want them to think that, because it isn't true. Most of what is good in my life comes from Grace and from Sissy.

And I look at what's missing, and I wonder, what is it that would be the magic ingredient, that would move me to the point where I could just enjoy this "good life" I've so carefully constructed for myself.

Friends? It's always bothered me that I don't know how to make friends.
Social skills? Maybe if were able to function in social situations, that would be the key that unlocks things.
Children? Not being able to have children eats away at me sometimes, even though together, Grace and I will be able to have kids. I know it's foolish to look to kids as a means of fulfillment, but it would certainly remove one of the obstacles that's there for me.

When I weigh those things, against the good stuff, the balance comes out way over on the side of good. Yet, I still feel that something is missing.

None of it seems to be what I'm looking for, the missing ingredient in my happiness stew. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn't look to have a happy life, that I'm just not one of those people who gets that, and should focus on enjoying those good moments and occasional good days.

Are you happy?

If so, what is it in your life that makes you happy?

If not, what is it about your life that you think is responsible? What changes in your life do you think would allow you to be happy?

I ask this because I think it might help me to gain some perspective on my own life to hear about those parts of others that do and don't work for them.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Siege

I'm in your situation. But I spend more time being unhappy than happy.

I think I can attribute my unhappiness to a few things. The first would probably be loneliness. It's not that I don't have friends or anything, it's just that I hardly see any of them. I remember in the previous semester, I could go through the whole week without saying one word at school. It's my fault that i'm not outgoing, but that's just who I am and i'm trying to work on it.

The second is probably my ability to get frustrated with myself at the drop of a hat. I don't usually get frustrated with other people, even if i'm at a competition and my partner is doing very poorly, but I can make one error in a competition and be very angry with myself. One coach/friend used to tell me "Siege, at best, you can expect to win almost all the time. But you can't expect to give them a bagel (zero points) every time."

Hmm, well, as for the cure. I'm planning on seeing my school therapist as soon as my schedule for this semester becomes stable. I think a pretty silly answer would be "cure my loneliness." But maybe that's the answer. I guess i'll know more when I get some help.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

krwlz

I dont claim to know how everything plays out in your situation, but I think most of us just exist most days. Life is never gunna be all peaches and cream, just like its never gunna be totally shitty...

Life is a shade of grey, I think its unreasonable, and setting ourselves up for thinking we have a problem, by expecting that every day we will be truely happy.

Bottom line, dont get too down about it, make the most of what you have, and live for the little joys in life. At least thats how I strive to do things.

Strange Famous

Well I have

• a string of failed and stalled relationships and no one in the world that loves me
• a lot of debt, a broken down car, and I live in a small one room apartment that that backs onto a pasta shop
• a broken up family I cant really stand to spend any time with any of them
• a lot of books I havent read
• a lack of any real talent, charisma or motivation. A low level job with I am not especially good at and for which I dont get paid very much
• an ex girlfriend who I still talk to online - and who I like more than she likes me
• a longing for religion, and a desperation to believe that I cannot fulfil
• additionally, I am physically ugly and grossly overweight

Am I happy?

Not especially, but I feel a lot better than I used to

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Strange Famous

Yo, I dont really know you or your background. But you say you are in a loving marriage, and that you have a beautiful girlfriend... which, to me does suggest something of a conflict of interest. Perhaps thats a reason that youre unhappy too?

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Gilda

Nah, that's "internet girlfriend". Specifically, sweetpea here. Grace knows and it doesn't bother her in the least, and it's only made my life better.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

maleficent

i'm not exactly sure I truly know what happy really means -- I'm sure what's happy for some isn't for others... Some people, myself included, could look at Gilda's life and think - this woman has it all - a great career, a spouse that loves her, family that loves her, the ability to care for a family member who needed her, countless other things - in addition to being beautiful both inside and outside - what's not to be happy about...

Does happiness come from satisfaction with who and what we are? Gilda names a few things that she doesn't think she is - so rather than being satisified and happy with what she has-- shee seem to focus on what she doesn't have... does that get in the way of happiness?

Am I satisfied with my life? Some days yes -- other days - not so much...

I'm responsible for my own happiness... and the old expression is true, you will never be happy with someone else -until you are happy with yourself... There are about 10 things that I would needto be satisfied with myself... A shot of postiveness would be a good start - and to stop focusing on the negatives about myself-- easier said that done...

I can sit down with anyone -- and in 10 minutes of knowing them - -easily name them 10 good things about them... I am incapable of doing the same thing for myself... Finding and actually believing the good things I think is the key to happiness...

__________________

shesus

It's funny. JJ and I were just talking about happiness earlier today. We are happy now, but I will focus on me because I'm not going to pretend that I can say for sure what he is thinking and I don't want to type words about him that may not be true.

As for me, I was like you a few years ago. I had 'everything' and still was very unhappy. In fact, I was unhappy to the point where I would look in the mirror and hate the image looking back at me. I contemplated suicide and became very depressed. I went to therapy and I suggest it to everyone. The first thing you need to realize is that happiness comes from within. You cannot buy happiness or acquire happiness. If I had the secret of what makes a person happy I would be a millionaire, which would not equal happiness.

I think that there is something within you that is most likely buried and needs to be dealt with so you can feel content. Therapy is great for this because you can freely talk to a person who has no links to your life. A detached person who will not judge and usually does not interfere with the progress you will make in your journey to contentment.

When I say that I am happy, I don't pin point it to a person, a possession, a career, or myself. Happiness is when you feel no regrets and know that you made the right choices in life. If you made 'wrong' choices, it is when you accept that maybe they weren't the best but at the time they were right.

To the outside world it looks like you have everything you need to be happy. However, something within you is struggling and that is what you will need to discover. I would suggest therapy or meditation.

If you want to discuss further or want someone detached from your personal life, you can always pm me. I'm pretty good at giving some advice and I have been where you are and returned. I'll be thinking of you.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

onodrim

I've found that I'm the happiest when I'm able to focus on what's important and forget the rest. I'm very effected by stress, particularily when it comes to work and school. I get caught up in trying to be perfect, worrying over whether everything is gonna turn out alright. During those times I'm far from happy. But when I'm able to step back from it, spend time with secret and my close friends, I realize what it is in life that really matters, and it's not a grade on a piece of paper or a pay raise. So, I don't have the answer to staying happy forever, I certainly struggle with it in my own life! But, sometimes just letting everything go and taking a moment to hold the person you love and share those initimate moments and feelings together lets you experience true happiness, even if only for a moment. Just a few thoughts off the top of my head.

__________________
"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan

Gilda

Hmmm. That's interesting, that it comes from within. The way I've been looking at it is that happiness is always a response to external stimuli--watching Grace sleep, riding a roller coaster, discussing ancient Chinese poetry with my World Masterpieces class*, making love, window shopping with Sissy or just drinking some tea and watching the sunrise--it's always a response to an activity.

Maybe that's what I'm wondering about. Do I have to fill my life with activities to be able to enjoy life in general? That's not really what I'm looking for. There will always be those down times, those in-between times when you're not doing anything, they just can't be avoided entirely. And that's when I get down. That's why nights can be so difficult for me--that time between climbing in bed and going to sleep is just down time.

I guess what I mean by having a happy life would be that, in those down times in between activities, whether good or bad, where does your emotional state land? With me, it's very seldom in the content area.

Nah, not so much buried. I know what they are, but they're mostly in the past, childhood abuse, my relationship with my parents, a series of abusive relationships in my teens and early adulthood, not being able to have children, not having any friends. I know what they are. I just . . . I look at Sissy who has all the same issues (except the social anxiety) as mine on top of her gender identity stuff, and I don't think I've ever seen a person who enjoys life more. Everything is an opportunity to learn, to make friends, to have an adventure, a challenge. Her default state when she's not engaged is content, and she doesn't have many of those good things I have in my life.

I've been in therapy, and I've tried meditation. The former has been very helpful, the latter sporadic. I've been avoiding finding someone new. Sissy's just decided she doesn't need it anymore. She still goes to an MTF support group on occasion, but I think, despite being the youngest one there, she's like a big sister because she's fully assimilated.

Meditating is sometimes helpful, and sometimes just leads me to the very types of thoughts that spawned this thread. It's hit or miss.

And that's part of what I'm getting at. Happiness, to me, has always been tied to a specific thing, a specific event, a specific person. It's always tied to something external, a reaction to the world. I was just wondering if there were people out there for whom it was just their regular state of being when they're not engaged, like Sissy seems to be.

Thank you, both for the kind thoughts and for the suggestion. It's comforting to know that there are people who are happy out there.

*Damn that was fun; it wasn't all 80 or 90 or them, but there was a good dozen kids in that class who actually cared, who had an opinion and were able to back that opinion up with a reason and do so articulately; yeah, I know ya gotta be a little strange for ancient Chinese poetry to be your definition of fun; I'm an English professor, that's just how my mind works.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

shesus

**Warning could be rambling because of brainstorming and ideas being thrown out**
Gilda, I think that you are happy in those moments because that is what you enjoy. Moments can bring happiness too. When I'm feeling down, I get lost in one of my happiest memories. JJ, Alcina (his daughter), and I went to a secluded beach about a month after we got married. We made sandcastles, ran in the surf, had a picnic, and just enjoyed each other's company. There was no stress and there were no worries. When I meditate that is my happy place.

While outside stimulus and situations can make you feel happy it is temporary and dependant on those people or things. To actually obtain true happiness that stays with you, you have to have it within you. It's hard to explain and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is for me. It's just something that took about 2 years to get and I have to work at maintaining it. It's almost like Buddhism and finding Nirvana or inner peace.

My family was the main reason for my problems too. They weren't physically abusive, but they did a number on me mentally. Sissy probably deals with it differently and she is younger than you isn't she? That could also be a difference. However, it sounds like she is enjoying life as a whole, where you focus on independent circumstances. Neither one of you is right or wrong, it is just how people are. You will just need to go a different route.

Oh, and as for your social anxiety, I think that you may be beating yourself up over this and struggling with it. Personalities are hard to change. My biggest issue with my personality is that I'm a very lethargic person. I sleep a lot. I used to fight myself over this and beat myself up for sleeping so much. My therapist said that there are 2 types of people. One person can run fine on very little sleep, other people need more sleep to function. Neither personality is right, I just happen to be the person that needs more sleep. Once I accepted this, I don't sleep as much. It's strange, but once you stop obsessing over a 'flaw' and accept it as a part of you it seems to disappear.

I don't know if any of my words help you or not. I'm just brainstorming and throwing out ideas. If you want me to stop just let me know. I know that advice is wonderful, but some can be unwelcomed. I just like to help. I hate to see people in the situation I was in. It was hell for me and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When I was there, it seemed like a dark cloud devouring me and I thought I would never shake it.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

Sweetpea

Okay, this is all just going to ramble out.... thoughts are not always organized cohesively...

Happiness is something that each of us strive for... some atain early... like Sissy
And some are never happy (like my grandmother, who has been miserable her whole life, even though she had everything she ever wanted)..

Sometimes i wonder if it comes down to personality? My natural state is happy or rather... content. I have my dark times here and there, but i've always been a 'glass is half full kind'... Yes, i have anerexia, i have an auto-immue disorder... most of my time is spent in physical pain... but i think that has taught me to disassociate from things.. my happiness comes from myself.. when i am alone and at peace, when i'm able to be with myself. I adore being with my husband too and talking to Gilda... but on the whole i think i'm rather a loner and happy being one.

Some people just have personalities where they do remaing somewhat detached... and there's nothing wrong with that... unless it is bothering you... which apparently it is... and i'm glad you've brought it up to speak about it... speaking about things always makes them come to the forefront faster and may thereby be understood more quickly...

sometimes i wonder Gilda .. if potentially it is that you are indeed a loner type person... but you are responding to an image that you need to have... You have mentioned in your post wanting to have more friends, but is it that you feel you would like that, or is it that you feel pressured socially to have that in your life??

I guess, the reason why i point that out is that most of the things that make me unhappy... are when i'm pushing myself to be something different, to be something that is not naturally part of my personality, because i'm responding to some social stimuli or something that i *need* to be to be a whole person, i've discovered such things only strive to make me more more fragmented and can send me further from happiness ...
Do you feel that you're unhappy because you push yourself to be things that you're not??

How do you see yourself Gilda? honesty... how would you describe yourself to someone who didn't know you?

I think Gilda, that you are perfect and i mean that.
You're gorgeous, intelligent, kind and giving, thoughtful and witty... there have been many countless times i have been envious of you... not of your life... but Who You Are (did you know that?)... because you have so many amazing qualities... If you could see those qualities in yourself, truly see them... i think that would make you happier... with yourself and with your life.

I know that you have been remiss to find a new therapist and i understand completely... but therapy can take the weight off your shoulders that rests so heavily on you... when you do decide to seek another professional, i think things will be a little bit better...

As a clarification... Was there a time in your life when you felt happy, happy without being engaged in things? Or has that always been the case?

It is uncanny the way you describe a good day... my husband explains a good day or a good month in the same way... "nothing bad happened, everything is still okay..." As he was abused too... i wonder what roll the family's treatment of their children plays in self-esteem? it's just a thought...

Food for thought:

If all of the things you listed were no longer an issue:

say you could have children, that your parents welcomed you and grace back and blessed your union and you had amazing social skills and never felt afraid...

Do you think that would change everything for you? Do you feel that having those things would make you happy?

I think one of the potential issues is that many people think they will be happy once they attain something... but once they do... after a while, they feel the emptiness sinking into their hearts again....


After all that... i'm going to ask if it's just a matter of hormones or brain chemistry? My cousin was deeply depressed and suicidal for many years... after many failed attempts to end her life... they discovered that she had a disorder in which her brain chemistry and hormones were causing the issue... she began medication to correct the imbalance and has sense been a truly happy and healthy and productive woman, who laughs at the drop of a hat and is smiling... the change was shocking and all it turned out to be was that she needed a certain hormone to correct her system... Could it possibly be something like that, that is affecting your sense of well being?

Above all Gilda... you are loved... loved by me unconditionally and loved by many in this very community... Loved by your family... and i want you to know that, i feel i cannot say it enough times... YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. You are Pefect just the way you are.... no one has ever told you that enough... but it's the truth.

I hope my incoherent rambling and questions can be of some use to you...

sweetpea

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"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

shesus

That is what I was trying to get at too. Just wanted to say that this part is what I was trying to get at also.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

Gilda

That's really nice. Yes, I'm happy in the moment, but I don't know how to transfer that over to the in-between times. I enjoyed the hell out of my discussion of ancient Chinese poetry for the hour that I got to do that and actually get paid for it (is this a great job or what?). But that moment, just like every other good moment I've had, is gone, in the past. I enjoyed those days with Boris, but now that he's gone again, it's that much worse that he isn't here, because I'm more aware of what I've lost, what I missed the past five years by not being able to see him at holidays as he went through his teen years. It works the same with Sissy. I enjoy her so much that, when my mind is given free range, it can't help but land on the idea that soon, in perhaps two or three years if she doesn't go to graduate school here, she'll be gone also.

That's wonderful. I'm always glad to hear that people I like are doing well.

Sissy is 20, and I'm 29. I've been in treatment/recovery for about six years, while she's been doing the same for five while simultaneously going through sexual reassignment, which undoubtedly must have made things more difficult for her. She had me to lean on for support, and I had Grace, so we were in about the same situation there.

Heh. You just described me and Sissy. I don't think I'm capable of sleeping longer than five hours at once, regardless of how long it's been, while Sissy can't get by on less than nine, sometimes ten.

I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm glad you were able to work past it. I'm not really depressed. It's been a few years since I last hurt myself and even longer since I've had thoughts of suicide.

I think . . . it's just that this job is what I've been working for for the last 25 years. I'm here, I've got the last big thing, in my dream job, and the job, the work is ever bit as good as I thought it would be. It should at least bring me closer, be a little bit closer. I've got the personal life, the professional success, financial stability, and a fulfilling spiritual life, and it's not enough, and I can't help but wonder, what more is there?

Also, I didn't mean for this to be all about me. It would help if more people would share their thoughts about what makes their own lives happy or unhappy.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Grasshopper Green

Am I happy? Sometimes. I'd say for the majority of my life, I've been unhappy more than happy. This is actually something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and here are my rambling, and probably disjointed, thoughts.

I'm pretty sure that the way I was raised has a lot to do with my happiness level now. I felt, as a child, that my father didn't value me as much as my siblings because he put a lot of stock in good grades and other accomplishments. My brother and sister were both atheletic, were super smart, and won things like spelling bees and science fairs. I was more intelligent than the average kid, but not nearly as smart as my brother and sister. I wasn't atheletic. It's not that I felt my dad didn't love me, I just felt like I was never good enough. I think this carried over from his own father, who was a very demanding, strict authoritarian.
I've also nearly always been shy. I wasn't shy in kindergarten and first grade; it wasn't until we moved to the town I grew up in that I became shy. We were ostracized because we weren't Mormon, and while this changed as the kids we grew up with matured and realized that we weren't devil spawn, it left me withdrawn and scared of people. I'm actually a very social person, but I'm hesitant to talk to and meet new people, and this is something that I struggle with every day. I've gotten better in the past few years, but lack of friends is something that bothers me a lot.

I'm also really hard on myself for many things. For anyone who has read my journal, one of the biggest reasons can be found there (I'm not going to go into it here). I'm hard on myself for dropping out of college, for being to heavy, and for settling into a job that is safe but hate. I'm taking steps to turn these things around though; I just started back to school after an 8 year absence, I've started to watch what I eat and exercise more, and while I still feel kind of stuck in my job, my education will eventually help me get out of my current job. No, these things won't necessarily help me be happy, but they will take away some of the things that cause me to be unhappy.
I am currently just trying to be comfortable being me. I'm accepting things that I've been wishy washy about, accepting things that are out of my control, and I think it's making me rest a little easier. I really don't know ultimately what would make me happy...happiness seems to be that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There will always be something going on in life that makes you unhappy, I think you just have to accept the things you can't change and actively work to change the things you can. I think self acceptance is the key.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Gilda

Heh. I'm like your grandmother. . Maybe we share a common ancestor.

. I like hearing that.

I hope so.

It isn't that I want to have more friends, but that I want to have friends, period, outside of my family. I see what that brings Sissy, and I saw what that brought Katie in high school. See, I thought I had friends, but it turns out our friends were really her friends, and I was just another member of the group, which was fine with me. I see how easily Grace integrates with any group of people she interacts with, and how Dr. KGB is seemingly friends with everyone in the department, and I want a part of that, I want to know how to make friends.

I've always found that setting a goal and working towards that goal is something that keeps me . . . not happy, but fulfilled, so long as I know I'm making progress.

Maybe that's it. Here I am, 29 years old, and I have everything I've been working for all my life for, and suddently I don't have much of anything to work towards. and when I stop to consider that all I can think is . . . now what? What if this is the peak, if my life is already as good as it's ever going to get. I have 50 years left, and if I'm already at the high point, then it can only be downhill from here. It might never get any better than it is at this moment, and that's scary.

Maybe. I know that I haven't found anything good in the assertiveness stuff I've been doing lately. It was supposed to get easier and more natural, and it hasn't.
Hmm. Physically, if I had to describe myself to someone who was going to meet me for the first time, I'd say look for the unremarkable looking, moderately tall, skinny, pale-skinned, dark-haired woman wearing a short skirt, fitted blouse and black plastic rimmed glasses.

Personality-wise, I'd say smart, shy, neurotic, obsessively neat, analytical, family-oriented, care-taker.

That's the strange thing about it. If, ten years ago, you'd have shown me a description of what my life is now, I'd have laughed at the idea that such a thing could be possible, and I for sure would have told you that if I had all that I'd be the happiest woman on earth.

I know, it's helped in the past, but it's also a very difficult process, especially at the beginning, and starting anew, with someone who doesn't know my history, having to relive all that stuff again with a new therapist, it just keeps me from taking that first step.

I think maybe when I was seven or eight years old maybe, but that's so long ago that I'm not sure it isn't just wishful thinking on my part. I don't think I was moody and obsessive as an eight year old, but who remembers that part of their life anyway?

Certainly there's been occasional days when that would be true, like the five days Boris was here (stupid coach wanting him back for practices and meetings, even thought he wasn't even eligible to play, though I don't quite understand why).

I know a woman
Became a wife
These are the very words she uses
To describe her life
She said a good day
Ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day’s when I lie in bed
And think of things that might have been

Add to that a healthy arm, and I'd say yes.

Maybe that's it.
I don't know. My gynecologists have always advised me to go on birth control to regulate my hormone levels and my periods, which tend to fluctuate wildly from month to month--I'll have a 22 day cycle one time and 40 the next--and to alleviate the severe PMS symptoms I get. I think, however, that the potential negative side effects greatly outweigh the positives, and I obviously don't need birth control, so I refuse the drugs.

I know I have people who love me, three of them at least, and that's more than what some people have, and that's part of why I feel guilty about not being happy. That's supposed to make me happy, getting unconditional love, and it bothers me that it isn't enough. And that's, I think, a little insulting to those who do love me, and I don't want to hurt those people by telling them that their love isn't good enough for me and . . . I'm completely lost on where I was going with this. Being in love with someone who in turn loves you back is supposed to make you happy, and it does when I'm with Grace or when I'm with Sissy or when I'm here interacting with sweetpea, and it sustains me in between times, but . . . I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just don't want to disappoint those people who care about me by not being what they expect me to be.

It was sweetie, thank you.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

Thank you Medusa99. I wish you luck and success with both looking after your health and with going back to school.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

JumpinJesus

I've reached a point where I'm happy. I've had ups and downs all along but I think I've finally reached a point where I can say that I like who I am and where I'm going.

As with shesus' warning, this may ramble a bit, so you may want to scroll if your eyes start to glaze over.

I finally was able to accept happiness once I made peace with my past. Like others, I grew up in a typically dysfunctional family. My mother split when I was 9 and I haven't heard from her since. My father and step-mother were both physically and emotionally abusive. I severed all ties with them about 12 years ago, thinking that would be all I needed. I found out that that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to just break communication with them, I had to make peace with my own self for the feelings of guilt associated with that and for the feelings of anger for what they stole emotionally for me. It took many years to realize this, but once I realized it, it didn't take long at all to start dealing with it.

I finally had to forgive them for what they did. I still don't communicate with them because they have not changed, but I've forgiven them. More importantly, I've forgiven myself for what I did to myself for so many years. I learned to be at peace with myself more than anything else. I came to believe that every mistake I made along the way made me who I am now. This helped me deal with regret.

When shesus and I met, I was already divorced with a child. I had basically decided that if I were to ever marry again, I had to make it clear that I could not be responsible for her happiness. I found that no one could ever make me happy nor could I ever make someone else happy. Like shesus said, true happiness comes from within. While outside stimuli might be involved, it's how we respond to that stimuli. This response can be directed by a number of things, including guilt, regret, etc. For example, When I was finally able to afford a BMW, I was thrilled since I have wanted one all my life. My personality, however, dictated that along with that thrill was an ample amount of guilt that I was "flaunting". So, naturally, I wasn't able to be wholly happy with our purchase. I had to learn to get over those feelings and be okay with the fact that I was in a position to acquire something I'd always wanted.

You and I have rarely, if ever, spoken here, but I've read many of your posts. One of the things that strikes me about you is that you are a highly empathetic person. I get the impression that if someone you care about is hurting, then you hurt, too. Your amount of empathy drives you to experience the same pain your loved ones experience, even if it means you force yourself to experience unnecessary pain. In the process, you beat yourself up for not being able to do more to help those in pain. If I'm right about this, then this may have a lot to do with your feelings of unhappiness. You take in so much pain from others that you make it your own. It may be helpful if you teach yourself to be able to empathize with others without having to experience their pain as well.

Happiness is out there, Gilda. You'll find it.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

Suave

Happiness is a short-lived emotion. In order to feel happy with relative frequency, I find that I have to do a couple of things: first, I find something accessible about life that I truly appreciate (sitting outside on my porch is one thing), and then I just stay there. If you have things in your life that bring you happiness but they are there all the time, you won't feel happy from them anymore because you will take them for granted. In order to gain happiness from something, you must stop everything and take notice, or re-take notice.

The easiest way to be happy the most often is to erase desire. I don't mean to stop your sex drive, or to not think that it might be nice to own a certain car, but not to become entrapped by anything. If you desire to be happy, it will be difficult (perhaps impossible) to attain, because the desire itself can invoke frustration or other conflicting emotions. I try to avoid expectations, and if I have them, to accept whatever results I encounter. Pay more attention to things that you like about a situation than those you don't like.

I'm sure I was as helpful as a granite parachute, but if I wasn't being too vague or philosophical, then I am glad I could help.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

sailor

Am I happy? Not at the moment. I'm doing a study abroad program that I thought I would love, but it turns out the town I'm in isn't what I thought it would be, I haven't met anyone I particularly enjoy being around, and I spend most of my time in my dorm room in front of the computer because I don't have anything better to do.

The good thing is, it's made me realize what I have at home, what the relationships I've had mean to me, and how lucky I am. I'm heading home in February, and I suspect I'll be changed for the better then. But at the moment? Somewhat miserable.

__________________
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
--Plato

Bhav

Hey Gilda

I´m sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. From my personal experience happiness is not really out there, but within. I don't think a great job or family support equal happiness by themselves, sure, they do make life easier but I don't think they are it.

Happiness is not so much absence of trouble or problems but that calm tranquility inspite of it, the “so what” I'm still alive I will make it!

You say you have been through some rough times in your life, I find it very important to be my own best friend. Let´s face it, people come and go and very often those we love the most have more power to disappoint us and very often end up hurting us deeply. Think about yourself in the past, look at the moments when you have felt lonely or friendless and somehow unhappy and promise yourself that you will always be by your side. That you support and understand the person you were and the choices you made and forgive your own mistakes. I am much more critical with myself than I will ever be with others. It took me a long time to change that and enjoy my own company and accept that I'm a person worth spending time with.

And be true to urself, it makes no sense trying to be what others expect u to be. There are millions of people but only one Gilda! Just spend time knowing urself and be the best Gilda u can be, I don't care about others expectations but on being in reality all that I can be potentially, I try to be the best me

We all somehow search for happiness and fulfilment, we all feel lonely sometimes, it's part of being human. Make the most of this time of uncertainty and search, it's really a great chance to grow, to discover urself more fully and to see and accept the support and love of those around you.

I am also a very spiritual person and I think that we all have other needs besides the obvious physical and social ones. I do think we have spiritual needs too, deep down we all long for a meaning and a life purpose, call them God, inner peace, serenity acceptance or love.

I will keep you in mind and wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me. Take care

Bhav

After reading Suave´s post I would like to add something my father used to tell me when I was younger. When we were doing something, not always very special, sometimes something very ordinary like going for a walk or having lunch together, he would make us create a memory: we would pay attention to the people around us, the colours, the smells, the laughs we were sharing and he made us promise to remember that precise moment. So I have quite a few happy memories of my childhood, doing nothing really.

I still do it today whenever I am feeling relaxed, even if it's just having a bath or listening to a song I like or enjoying a film with friends. I helps me realize that there are many “moments” in my life in which living is good.

It's not so much the situation, but the ability to enjoy ur current situation whatever it might be.
Take care

Hat

Happy? Hah. I'm fucking miserable (warning - post turns into mindless, tedious raving beyond this point. Read at your own risk). Which is why I'm bailing out and going overseas in June for at least six months. I just feel like I'm suffocating here...no sense of direction at all, no idea what I want to do with my life, not meeting new people...shitty job (was at uni but took the last semester off with the intention of getting more work to save for overseas...which didn't materialise so shit work plus too few hours plus too much free time = boredom central). So I had to postpone my trip (wanted to leave early this year as opposed to June), and will also do a subject at uni this semester just for the hell of it (even though I might change degrees when I come back from Europe). And to top it off I had yet another failure in the relationship game this past weekend. It shouldn't be a big deal, it's not like it was at all serious, but it took my mind off of everything else that was wrong in my life - however briefly - and now that's finished the pressure from everything else feels even stronger and more urgent.

I'm 19 and yet I already feel like I'm running out of time.

I have a small group of tightly knit friends, who I love, but I feel restricted by them at the same time. I recently met some new people through a friend of mine, which was refreshing, but at the same time looks like it may end up being another source of frustration and depression. I often feel socially inadequate - I had a chronic skin condition throughout primary school and early high school which I now have under control, but it played a huge part in crippling my self esteem and general social development. I mean don't get the wrong idea, I'm not a social cripple by any means - I just feel overwhelmingly average and unhappy with that area of my development.

I don't have any great skills, nor the motivation to cultivate what talents I do have into something exceptional. Case in point, I'm a very good writer, but don't have a passion for it - if I don't have an essay to write I won't be working on anything of my own volition. I also have some creative ability with the guitar, but again, I don't have a strong enough passion for it to play enough to actually do something with it. I'm partly going overseas in the deluded belief that I will attain some "life experience", learn more about myself by being alone in a foreign environment (will initially stay with relatives, who I don't know, but only initially), which will in turn give me some inspiration/motivation to do something for my life.

You can say that true happiness comes from within (as I believe it probably does), but the fact of the matter is I'd rather be miserable and flying first class than to be miserable and have to catch the fucking bus. Then again, I don't think it's human nature to be happy. If we were happy we'd never strive to achieve anything.

ratbastid

Wow, man. I almost got sucked into another "fix Gilda" thread. But then I took another look and saw that there were actual questions that I can answer, so I'll just answer them. That was a close one!

I'm very, very happy. That doesn't always mean that everything in my life goes 100% my way.

What makes me happy... is a complicated question.

For a long time I just "existed", like you describe, Gilda. My big concern in life was what would be happening on ER this week. Just like you, Gilda, I had all the stuff that should theoretically make me happy, but my instead I was just sort of numb and dead most of the time.

Then I discovered (with the help of a course in <a href="http://www.landmarkeducation.com">transformation education</a>--not an employee, a VERY satisfied customer) that I am--and always have been--the source of my experience of life. I'd been waiting for something to come along and "make me happy", and then any time something did, rather than enjoying it and appreciating it, I'd judge it and question it and evaluate it until its ability to effect me was completely dried up. Then I'd complain that nothing made me happy! I finally realized that I'd been choosing that. I'd been trading in happiness for the right to complain about life, and it cost me everything I really wanted in life.

What makes me happy now is my ongoing choice to be happy, in every circumstance, no matter what's happening to me. Sometimes I do well at that, and sometimes I don't, but when I don't, I can always look and find where I'm choosing something other than happiness.

Gilda

I really didn't intend to make this that kind of thing, and I apologize if it seems that was what I was doing, and I'll do my best to pull back and let this be about the more general topic of what it takes to have a happy life, and not focus so much on myself.

I'm genuinely interested in hearing from people who have a happy life and what it is that makes it so, because if I can see what it is that makes people happy, maybe I'd be able to apply that to my own life. At the very least, I like hearing stories about how people enjoy their lives.

Thank you for contributing. You seem to be another who is in the "happiness comes from within" camp. It's helpful to see that. I still don't think I buy the idea that it's just a matter of choosing happiness, but I do like seeing that there are people who have been able to do so. It gives me hope that maybe I'll be able to find whatever it is that I'm missing that'll bring me to that place.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Cynthetiq

happy as Suave stated is fleeting.

There's several fables, koans, missives, that expess "this too shall pass."

Life is fleeting. We have to learn to enjoy ALL moments as they are and exist in a state of being instead of a state of constant "waiting for something."

All the "things" you stated in your OP are all there, yet you aren't happy.

Do you expect that life is supposed to be ALL happiness ALL the time? If so then how would you know that you were happy? Life is the range of emotions we need to savor all of them as twisted as that sounds. Pain, suffering, unhappiness, they are all part of the same circle and need to be experienced to truly understand the depths of happiness and joy.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Poppinjay

I don't buy that either. I think it takes an honest evaluation of why happiness is eluding a person.

In many cases it's easier to wonder why happiness hasn't set in as a permanent state of being rather than confront real reasons why. Frequently, it has to do with unresolved relationships. Jumping Jesus has a good example with his parents. By his forgiveness, he allows himself to get on with his life and yet maintain distance with his parents. I think to truly attain a level of contentedness, we have to takes those things which are hurtful and upsetting and just let them be. Don't let them plague your mind.

It seems like all the frustration and anger we feel have to do with clutching those things which harm so tight that we can't see the damage. Once we realize that those people and situations are what they are, and we can't change that, but we can stop it from affecting us by accepting it as such.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Toaster126

I've always thought that happiness comes from within. Personally, I am happy. I accept and love who I am - both the super and the not-so-super and constantly strive to better myself.

Happiness is inherently self-centered... if you boil anything down far enough, it comes down to how it makes you feel. I think some people believe this is a bad thing, but I do not.

I don't think that happiness is something that can be taught, only realized by the person on an individual basis. And, as has been previously mentioned, it is choices that lead us to have an emotion.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

jth

I have....

• Stress of Graduate school
• Mounting Student Loan debt because I am studying internationaly
• thousands (probably, I haven't checked) away from my friends and home that I didn't want to leave
• Serious weight problems
• No relationships with the opposite sex to speak of for probably the last 8 years
• A bad ankle that I twisted the other night

am I happy?

Yes.

Might sound odd and twisted. But I taught myself that almost all of those things are superficial things that can be resolved when the time comes to resolve them. I am creatively and spiritually fullfilled. Despite the fact that when it coems to money I will never have any to speak of, and probably will always be on the edge of the poverty line for the next 10 years I know that it will work out. Despite being so far away from the majority of my loved ones, I know how they are doing and that they are proud of my for accomplishing my goals.

I could do a better list other then negative.

• I am creative and energized in my profession (music)
• I am respected and encouraged at every turn
• I live with my older Brother and his wife which is a very supportive environment
• I have amazing friends and a strong relationshipship (although sometimes annoying) with my Parents
• I have a talent for teaching people about the joy of music allowing me to share my own pleasure in the art
• I have a chair with wheels on it (always wanted one of those)
• I am charismatic and make friends easily

I have goals, I think that's important. I'm working on my Masters in Jazz guitar at one of the absolute top schools in the world to study at. My talent and hard work got me a 4.0 last semester because I am focused on that. It makes me happy, and I feel good about it. I wake up in the morning and for a brief period perhaps somewhere in the day money woes bug me or put some stress on my plate. But I know that will go away, money isn't everything and personal happiness in whatever form is something that should be paramount.

My weight has probably been the only catch that makes me unhappy in any respect. But I beat myself up about it for to long and finally realized that it is what it is and that when I am ready I will remove it from my mindskype.

I think that it's impossible for everyone to be happy all the time. I'm sure that if you look hard enough you'll find happiness if you stop focusing on the fact that you are unhappy. In the end you might not be as unhappy as you think you are.

BigBen

I am about as far from Happy as I have ever been.

I am actively trying to turn the corner and head back in the right direction, but alas, here I sit.

I have many happy moments; I share experiences with friends, I tell jokes, I listen to music, eat excellent food. On the outside, one would look at me and say "That Ben sure is a great guy, and happy too!"

I think what you are asking for is deep down happy, and I am not.


"Never give up."

I deserve to be happy, and will continue to fight.

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

shesus

Choice is also a factor to being happy. My step-daughter is a very unhappy soul. At 12, she decided that the world was a horrid place and went toward the Goth trend. Now at 15, she is still unhappy and unimpressed by everything. She is slowly getting better with therapy and talks from us. One thing that we told her is that she chooses to be happy or unhappy. It's easier to choose to be unhappy because that is the 'human condition' as some else mentioned. You rarely see 'happy' people around. Plus there is a market for unhappy people...aka Happy Pills.

Choosing to be happy is hard to teach yourself, but it can be done. Some days, I choose to be grumpy and others I choose to be happy. It takes just as much energy to be unhappy as happy, but the unhappy mood fits the "I'm tired and miserable" better than the happy state. When I choose to be happy and get tired I go to sleep. I don't like being unhappy and sleep is my escape.

And for the people who think they can run away from their unhappiness, I will make reference to Breakfast at Tiffany's. You can go whereever you want, but you'll always end up with yourself. My plug for: Happiness comes from within. Be happy with yourself, your choices, and you will eventually be content, which imo is the happiness that is being discussed in this thread.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

Tachion

This is a great post and I happily agree with it!

Eweser

I'm not a happy person, and by all accounts I should be. I, too, have anything I could ever want; a loving family, home, car, good job, etc. I've tried making the choice to be happy and it doesn't work. I get extremely tired when I try to be a happy person. I do believe that true happiness is when you are happy with yourself, the choices you make, and who you are. Unfortunately, I will never be this way. I guess I have decided that and go on with my life doing what I can to even out the scale of my unhappiness. I have happy moments, but I too feel that I'm waiting, mostly for that other shoe to drop, because it always does.

I am glad that there are people out there that can have more happiness than unhappiness.

__________________
"Whoever wrote this episode should die!"

Impetuous1

I'm also in the "happiness comes from within camp". I had a horrible childhood. Since then, I've been able to make my own choices and have come to the realization that I am responsible for my own happiness. When you're a kid you don't really have any choices. I've also come to the realization that things and people don't necessarily make you happy either. For me, the answer comes down to gratitude. For being healthy, for being in a relationship that I currently find fulfilling, for being in a job that I also am respected at, etc. I find that having gratitude for these small things is what makes my life worth living.

match000

That's really cool. Thanks, I will try this sometime.

I was happy last week and the week before that, during winter break when I can do nothing except what I want, but now school's starting back up and I'm actually not looking forward to it, for once (I usually look forward to it). Dunno, senioritis bit me hard...

Martian

The way I see it, happiness is in a moment. Anyone who tells you they're happy all the time is lying to you, but even worse they're lying to themselves first. Nobody goes through life without ever being sad or upset. The vast majority of us just exist between moments, waiting for the next one to make us happy or sad or angry.

And really, were someone constantly happy, I would have to pity them. How can you appreciate joy without pain? The negative provides the contrast, which makes the good times that much better.

Contentment is harder, but it's key.The trick is that what one person needs to be content is ery different from what anyone else needs and that it's rarely what we think we need. Often we don't need anything other than to realize what we have is truly great.

Here's a different spin on things for you Gilda; what if this is the peak for you? What if it doesn't get any better than this and you're likely to spend the next fifty years in a job you love and are successful at, surrounded by people who love and admire you?

A very wise man once told me that when somebody hurts you, there are only two people who are able to fix it. And in the vast majority of the cases, the person who hurt you isn't interested in repairing the damage, maybe not even capable. That means it's up to you to accept it and let go. It's not an easy thing to do; I'm still learning to let go. I'm only now even realizing how much I have to let go of; I have to let go of all the pain my dad caused, the pain my mum caused (which is worse because she gave me a lot of joy and support too), the pain caused by my ex and hardest of all, the pain I've caused myself. None of it is easy.

I'd strongly suggest you use the courage you've shown in facing your social anxieties to look at approaching therapy again. It's not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.

If you're interested, just now at this moment I'm most definitely not happy. I'm going through a lot of pain right now that's hard for me to deal with. But earlier this afternoon, I went to visit a young girl and her child, who is only just now turning a year old. That little boy made me laugh; playing with him, making faces at him, watching him smile, that made me happy.

I had my contentment. I haven't found it again yet, but I will eventually. It takes time.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Elphaba

I have been faking "happiness" for so long that the people I care about most might actually believe it. That will have to do for them and for me. I refuse to burden people with my concerns, when theirs are no less difficult than mine. Getting through the day is a good day.

Tachion

A good read is
The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by the 14th Dalai Lama

About the book:
-----
Our days are numbered. At this very moment, many thousands are born into the world, some destined to live only a few days or weeks, and then tragically succumb to illness or other misfortune. Others are destined to push through to the century mark, perhaps even a bit beyond, and savor every taste life has to offer: triumph, despair, joy, hatred, and love. We never know. But whether we live a day or a century, a central question always remains: What is the purpose of our life?

According to the Dalai Lama, the purpose of
our existence is to seek happiness.

Happiness is our birthright as human beings. There is no doubt that life can be difficult—living in today’s world is not always easy. But despite life’s inevitable problems and challenges, genuine happiness is still possible.

The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living was a groundbreaking collaboration between H.H. the 14th Dalai Lama, and Howard C. Cutler, M.D., a Phoenix-based psychiatrist.

Drawing upon 2500 years of Buddhist wisdom, combined with the latest findings of modern science, and mixed with a healthy dose of common sense, these remarkable volumes offer a practical approach to human happiness—a rational approach that can be practiced by individuals from any background, tradition, or religion.

There are many facets to leading a happy life. It begins by understanding the true and legitimate sources of happiness. The Art of Happiness is based on a few basic premises:
1.
The purpose of life is happiness.
2.
Happiness is determined more by the state of one’s mind than by one’s external conditions, circumstances, or events—at least once one’s basic survival needs are met.
3.
Happiness can be achieved through the systematic training of our hearts and minds, through reshaping our attitudes and outlook.
4.
The key to happiness is in our own hands.


Starting with these fundamental principles, the books continue with an in depth investigation of human happiness. The Art of Happiness offers a variety of techniques to help overcome the destructive mental states that are the source of much of our misery—mental states such as anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, discouragement and fear.

Through the lively conversations between the Dalai Lama and Dr, Cutler recounted in these books, supplemented with engaging stories, case histories, practical exercises and supporting scientific evidence, the books present strategies to deal more effectively with the inevitable problems of daily life.

The idea that the purpose of our existence is to seek happiness seems like common sense, and Western thinkers from Aristotle to William James have agreed with this idea. But isn't a life based on seeking personal happiness by nature self-centered, even self-indulgent? Not necessarily. In fact, survey after survey has shown that it is unhappy people who tend to be most self-focused, even selfish, and are often socially withdrawn, brooding, and even antagonistic.

Happy people, in contrast, are generally found to be more sociable, flexible, creative, more successful in mating, better parents, and are able to tolerate life's daily frustrations more easily than unhappy people. And, most important, they are found to be more loving and forgiving than unhappy people. In fact, scientific evidence has conclusively established an inextricable link between personal happiness and kindness and compassion toward others.

Researchers have devised some interesting experiments demonstrating that happy people exhibit a certain quality of openness, a willingness to reach out and help others. They managed, for instance, to induce a happy mood in a test subject by arranging to have the person unexpectedly find money in a phone booth. Posing as a stranger, one of the experimenters then walked by and "accidentally" dropped a load of papers. The investigators wanted to see whether the subject would stop to help the stranger.

In another scenario, the subjects' spirits were lifted by listening to a comedy album, and then they were approached by someone in need (also in cahoots with the experimenter) wanting to borrow money. The investigators discovered that the subjects who were feeling happy were more likely to help someone or to lend money than another "control group” of individuals who were presented with the same opportunity to help but whose mood had not been boosted ahead of time.

We begin, then, with the basic premise that the purpose of our life is to seek happiness. It is a vision of happiness as a real objective, one that we can take positive steps toward achieving. And as we begin to identify the factors that lead to a happier life, we will learn how the search for happiness offers benefits not only for the individual but for the individual’s family and for society at large as well.

Mantus

Let me put it this way: I am not unhappy.

I think I have allot more good then bad in my life even though if you add up all my thing and achievements I really don't have squat. The most valuable thing in my life is experience, even the unsavory kind. Not to say that I am giddy day in day out. I think my most common state of mind is that of excitement and curiosity - for everything. I don't chase happyness and I don't run away from the negative.

I don't believe in god
I don't believe in freewill
I don't think mankind is inherently good.
I think the universe is cold
There is no meaning
No afterlife
No purpose
Yes somehow thats cool. Infact perhaps my life would suck if I had all that.
I got life, that's good enough, everything else is gravy.

Vagina is good too, yah...

Carno

I'm relatively happy. I'm not worrying about bills, don't need to work right now, have a relatively easy class schedule and I am healthy. I'm kinda lonely, but that's about it.

I'm going to be really bummed when my roommate graduates and moves back to Long Island though. Then I'm not sure how happy I'll be.

__________________
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