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Originally Posted by shesus
As for me, I was like you a few years ago. I had 'everything' and still was very unhappy. In fact, I was unhappy to the point where I would look in the mirror and hate the image looking back at me. I contemplated suicide and became very depressed. I went to therapy and I suggest it to everyone. The first thing you need to realize is that happiness comes from within. You cannot buy happiness or acquire happiness. If I had the secret of what makes a person happy I would be a millionaire, which would not equal happiness.  |
Hmmm. That's interesting, that it comes from within. The way I've been looking at it is that happiness is always a response to external stimuli--watching Grace sleep, riding a roller coaster, discussing ancient Chinese poetry with my World Masterpieces class*, making love, window shopping with Sissy or just drinking some tea and watching the sunrise--it's always a response to an activity.
Maybe that's what I'm wondering about. Do I have to fill my life with activities to be able to enjoy life in general? That's not really what I'm looking for. There will always be those down times, those in-between times when you're not doing anything, they just can't be avoided entirely. And that's when I get down. That's why nights can be so difficult for me--that time between climbing in bed and going to sleep is just down time.
I guess what I mean by having a happy life would be that, in those down times in between activities, whether good or bad, where does your emotional state land? With me, it's very seldom in the content area.
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I think that there is something within you that is most likely buried and needs to be dealt with so you can feel content. Therapy is great for this because you can freely talk to a person who has no links to your life. A detached person who will not judge and usually does not interfere with the progress you will make in your journey to contentment.
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Nah, not so much buried. I know what they are, but they're mostly in the past, childhood abuse, my relationship with my parents, a series of abusive relationships in my teens and early adulthood, not being able to have children, not having any friends. I know what they are. I just . . . I look at Sissy who has all the same issues (except the social anxiety) as mine on top of her gender identity stuff, and I don't think I've ever seen a person who enjoys life more. Everything is an opportunity to learn, to make friends, to have an adventure, a challenge. Her default state when she's not engaged
is content, and she doesn't have many of those good things I have in my life.
I've been in therapy, and I've tried meditation. The former has been very helpful, the latter sporadic. I've been avoiding finding someone new. Sissy's just decided she doesn't need it anymore. She still goes to an MTF support group on occasion, but I think, despite being the youngest one there, she's like a big sister because she's fully assimilated.
Meditating is sometimes helpful, and sometimes just leads me to the very types of thoughts that spawned this thread. It's hit or miss.
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When I say that I am happy, I don't pin point it to a person, a possession, a career, or myself. Happiness is when you feel no regrets and know that you made the right choices in life. If you made 'wrong' choices, it is when you accept that maybe they weren't the best but at the time they were right.
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And that's part of what I'm getting at. Happiness, to me, has always been tied to a specific thing, a specific event, a specific person. It's always tied to something external, a reaction to the world. I was just wondering if there were people out there for whom it was just their regular state of being when they're not engaged, like Sissy seems to be.
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To the outside world it looks like you have everything you need to be happy. However, something within you is struggling and that is what you will need to discover. I would suggest therapy or meditation.
If you want to discuss further or want someone detached from your personal life, you can always pm me. I'm pretty good at giving some advice and I have been where you are and returned. I'll be thinking of you. 
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Thank you, both for the kind thoughts and for the suggestion. It's comforting to know that there are people who are happy out there.
*Damn that was fun; it wasn't all 80 or 90 or them, but there was a good dozen kids in that class who actually cared, who had an opinion and were able to back that opinion up with a reason and do so articulately; yeah, I know ya gotta be a little strange for ancient Chinese poetry to be your definition of fun; I'm an English professor, that's just how my mind works.