Okay, this is all just going to ramble out.... thoughts are not always organized cohesively...
Happiness is something that each of us strive for... some atain early... like Sissy
And some are never happy (like my grandmother, who has been miserable her whole life, even though she had everything she ever wanted)..
Sometimes i wonder if it comes down to personality? My natural state is happy or rather... content. I have my dark times here and there, but i've always been a 'glass is half full kind'... Yes, i have anerexia, i have an auto-immue disorder... most of my time is spent in physical pain... but i think that has taught me to disassociate from things.. my happiness comes from myself.. when i am alone and at peace, when i'm able to be with myself. I adore being with my husband too and talking to Gilda... but on the whole i think i'm rather a loner and happy being one.
Some people just have personalities where they do remaing somewhat detached... and there's nothing wrong with that... unless it is bothering you... which apparently it is... and i'm glad you've brought it up to speak about it... speaking about things always makes them come to the forefront faster and may thereby be understood more quickly...
sometimes i wonder Gilda .. if potentially it is that you are indeed a loner type person... but you are responding to an image that you need to have... You have mentioned in your post wanting to have more friends, but is it that you feel you would like that, or is it that you feel pressured socially to have that in your life??
I guess, the reason why i point that out is that most of the things that make me unhappy... are when i'm pushing myself to be something different, to be something that is not naturally part of my personality, because i'm responding to some social stimuli or something that i *need* to be to be a whole person, i've discovered such things only strive to make me more more fragmented and can send me further from happiness ...
Do you feel that you're unhappy because you push yourself to be things that you're not??
How do you see yourself Gilda? honesty... how would you describe yourself to someone who didn't know you?
I think Gilda, that you are
perfect and i mean that.
You're gorgeous, intelligent, kind and giving, thoughtful and witty... there have been many countless times i have been envious of you... not of your life... but Who You Are (did you know that?)... because you have so many amazing qualities... If you could see those qualities in yourself, truly see them... i think that would make you happier... with yourself and with your life.
I know that you have been remiss to find a new therapist and i understand completely... but therapy can take the weight off your shoulders that rests so heavily on you... when you do decide to seek another professional, i think things will be a little bit better...
As a clarification... Was there a time in your life when you felt happy, happy without being engaged in things? Or has that always been the case?
It is uncanny the way you describe a good day... my husband explains a good day or a good month in the same way... "nothing bad happened, everything is still okay..." As he was abused too... i wonder what roll the family's treatment of their children plays in self-esteem? it's just a thought...
Food for thought:
If all of the things you listed were no longer an issue:
say you could have children, that your parents welcomed you and grace back and blessed your union and you had amazing social skills and never felt afraid...
Do you think that would change everything for you? Do you feel that having those things would make you happy?
I think one of the potential issues is that many people think they will be happy once they attain something... but once they do... after a while, they feel the emptiness sinking into their hearts again....
After all that... i'm going to ask if it's just a matter of hormones or brain chemistry? My cousin was deeply depressed and suicidal for many years... after many failed attempts to end her life... they discovered that she had a disorder in which her brain chemistry and hormones were causing the issue... she began medication to correct the imbalance and has sense been a truly happy and healthy and productive woman, who laughs at the drop of a hat and is smiling... the change was shocking and all it turned out to be was that she needed a certain hormone to correct her system... Could it possibly be something like that, that is affecting your sense of well being?
Above all Gilda... you are loved... loved by me unconditionally and loved by many in this very community... Loved by your family... and i want you to know that, i feel i cannot say it enough times... YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. You are Pefect just the way you are.... no one has ever told you that enough... but it's the truth.
I hope my incoherent rambling and questions can be of some use to you...
sweetpea