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I've reached a point where I'm happy. I've had ups and downs all along but I think I've finally reached a point where I can say that I like who I am and where I'm going.
As with shesus' warning, this may ramble a bit, so you may want to scroll if your eyes start to glaze over.
I finally was able to accept happiness once I made peace with my past. Like others, I grew up in a typically dysfunctional family. My mother split when I was 9 and I haven't heard from her since. My father and step-mother were both physically and emotionally abusive. I severed all ties with them about 12 years ago, thinking that would be all I needed. I found out that that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to just break communication with them, I had to make peace with my own self for the feelings of guilt associated with that and for the feelings of anger for what they stole emotionally for me. It took many years to realize this, but once I realized it, it didn't take long at all to start dealing with it.
I finally had to forgive them for what they did. I still don't communicate with them because they have not changed, but I've forgiven them. More importantly, I've forgiven myself for what I did to myself for so many years. I learned to be at peace with myself more than anything else. I came to believe that every mistake I made along the way made me who I am now. This helped me deal with regret.
When shesus and I met, I was already divorced with a child. I had basically decided that if I were to ever marry again, I had to make it clear that I could not be responsible for her happiness. I found that no one could ever make me happy nor could I ever make someone else happy. Like shesus said, true happiness comes from within. While outside stimuli might be involved, it's how we respond to that stimuli. This response can be directed by a number of things, including guilt, regret, etc. For example, When I was finally able to afford a BMW, I was thrilled since I have wanted one all my life. My personality, however, dictated that along with that thrill was an ample amount of guilt that I was "flaunting". So, naturally, I wasn't able to be wholly happy with our purchase. I had to learn to get over those feelings and be okay with the fact that I was in a position to acquire something I'd always wanted.
You and I have rarely, if ever, spoken here, but I've read many of your posts. One of the things that strikes me about you is that you are a highly empathetic person. I get the impression that if someone you care about is hurting, then you hurt, too. Your amount of empathy drives you to experience the same pain your loved ones experience, even if it means you force yourself to experience unnecessary pain. In the process, you beat yourself up for not being able to do more to help those in pain. If I'm right about this, then this may have a lot to do with your feelings of unhappiness. You take in so much pain from others that you make it your own. It may be helpful if you teach yourself to be able to empathize with others without having to experience their pain as well.
Happiness is out there, Gilda. You'll find it.
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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses
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