I'm just curious, because I'm not, and I can't figure out why. I have everything I thought I would ever need to make me happy:
- a stable, fulfilling, loving marriage to a beautiful woman
- lots of cool stuff, car, home, home theater
- a sister who has made the journey from haunted and miserable to happy and fulfilled
- a truly kickass comic book collection
- a career in which I'm skilled, accomplished, and respected
- a beautiful, supportive internet girlfriend
- a church that supports and accepts me and my family
I look at that, and I think, how can I not be happy?
I'm ok most of the time, not happy, not unhappy, just kind of existing.
I have happy moments. I, on occasion, have happy days, but most of the time, a "good" day is one where nothing seriously bad happens. Good is defined by the absense of pain, not the presense of pleasure. I very seldom have happy nights.
And it seems that this is a kind of betrayal of those people in my life who love me, as if to say that having them be there for me with their unconditional love isn't enough to make me happy, that they aren't good enough for me. I don't want them to think that, because it isn't true. Most of what is good in my life comes from Grace and from Sissy.
And I look at what's missing, and I wonder, what is it that would be the magic ingredient, that would move me to the point where I could just enjoy this "good life" I've so carefully constructed for myself.
Friends? It's always bothered me that I don't know how to make friends.
Social skills? Maybe if were able to function in social situations, that would be the key that unlocks things.
Children? Not being able to have children eats away at me sometimes, even though together, Grace and I will be able to have kids. I know it's foolish to look to kids as a means of fulfillment, but it would certainly remove one of the obstacles that's there for me.
When I weigh those things, against the good stuff, the balance comes out way over on the side of good. Yet, I still feel that something is missing.
None of it seems to be what I'm looking for, the missing ingredient in my happiness stew. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn't look to have a happy life, that I'm just not one of those people who gets that, and should focus on enjoying those good moments and occasional good days.
Are you happy?
If so, what is it in your life that makes you happy?
If not, what is it about your life that you think is responsible? What changes in your life do you think would allow you to be happy?
I ask this because I think it might help me to gain some perspective on my own life to hear about those parts of others that do and don't work for them.