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Originally Posted by sweetpea
Happiness is something that each of us strive for... some atain early... like Sissy
And some are never happy (like my grandmother, who has been miserable her whole life, even though she had everything she ever wanted)..
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Heh. I'm like your grandmother.
. Maybe we share a common ancestor.
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Sometimes i wonder if it comes down to personality? My natural state is happy or rather... content. I have my dark times here and there, but i've always been a 'glass is half full kind'... Yes, i have anerexia, i have an auto-immue disorder... most of my time is spent in physical pain... but i think that has taught me to disassociate from things.. my happiness comes from myself.. when i am alone and at peace, when i'm able to be with myself. I adore being with my husband too and talking to Gilda... but on the whole i think i'm rather a loner and happy being one.
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. I like hearing that.
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Some people just have personalities where they do remaing somewhat detached... and there's nothing wrong with that... unless it is bothering you... which apparently it is... and i'm glad you've brought it up to speak about it... speaking about things always makes them come to the forefront faster and may thereby be understood more quickly...
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I hope so.
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sometimes i wonder Gilda .. if potentially it is that you are indeed a loner type person... but you are responding to an image that you need to have... You have mentioned in your post wanting to have more friends, but is it that you feel you would like that, or is it that you feel pressured socially to have that in your life??
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It isn't that I want to have more friends, but that I want to have friends, period, outside of my family. I see what that brings Sissy, and I saw what that brought Katie in high school. See, I thought I had friends, but it turns out our friends were really her friends, and I was just another member of the group, which was fine with me. I see how easily Grace integrates with any group of people she interacts with, and how Dr. KGB is seemingly friends with everyone in the department, and I want a part of that, I want to know how to make friends.
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I guess, the reason why i point that out is that most of the things that make me unhappy... are when i'm pushing myself to be something different, to be something that is not naturally part of my personality, because i'm responding to some social stimuli or something that i *need* to be to be a whole person, i've discovered such things only strive to make me more more fragmented and can send me further from happiness ...
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I've always found that setting a goal and working towards that goal is something that keeps me . . . not happy, but fulfilled, so long as I know I'm making progress.
Maybe that's it. Here I am, 29 years old, and I have everything I've been working for all my life for, and suddently I don't have much of anything to work towards. and when I stop to consider that all I can think is . . . now what? What if this is the peak, if my life is already as good as it's ever going to get. I have 50 years left, and if I'm already at the high point, then it can only be downhill from here. It might never get any better than it is at this moment, and that's scary.
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Do you feel that you're unhappy because you push yourself to be things that you're not??
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Maybe. I know that I haven't found anything good in the assertiveness stuff I've been doing lately. It was supposed to get easier and more natural, and it hasn't.
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How do you see yourself Gilda? honesty... how would you describe yourself to someone who didn't know you?
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Hmm. Physically, if I had to describe myself to someone who was going to meet me for the first time, I'd say look for the unremarkable looking, moderately tall, skinny, pale-skinned, dark-haired woman wearing a short skirt, fitted blouse and black plastic rimmed glasses.
Personality-wise, I'd say smart, shy, neurotic, obsessively neat, analytical, family-oriented, care-taker.
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I think Gilda, that you are perfect and i mean that.
You're gorgeous, intelligent, kind and giving, thoughtful and witty... there have been many countless times i have been envious of you... not of your life... but Who You Are (did you know that?)... because you have so many amazing qualities... If you could see those qualities in yourself, truly see them... i think that would make you happier... with yourself and with your life.
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That's the strange thing about it. If, ten years ago, you'd have shown me a description of what my life is now, I'd have laughed at the idea that such a thing could be possible, and I for sure would have told you that if I had all that I'd be the happiest woman on earth.
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I know that you have been remiss to find a new therapist and i understand completely... but therapy can take the weight off your shoulders that rests so heavily on you... when you do decide to seek another professional, i think things will be a little bit better...
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I know, it's helped in the past, but it's also a very difficult process, especially at the beginning, and starting anew, with someone who doesn't know my history, having to relive all that stuff again with a new therapist, it just keeps me from taking that first step.
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As a clarification... Was there a time in your life when you felt happy, happy without being engaged in things? Or has that always been the case?
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I think maybe when I was seven or eight years old maybe, but that's so long ago that I'm not sure it isn't just wishful thinking on my part. I don't think I was moody and obsessive as an eight year old, but who remembers that part of their life anyway?
Certainly there's been occasional days when that would be true, like the five days Boris was here (stupid coach wanting him back for practices and meetings, even thought he wasn't even eligible to play, though I don't quite understand why).
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It is uncanny the way you describe a good day... my husband explains a good day or a good month in the same way... "nothing bad happened, everything is still okay..." As he was abused too... i wonder what roll the family's treatment of their children plays in self-esteem? it's just a thought...
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I know a woman
Became a wife
These are the very words she uses
To describe her life
She said a good day
Ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day’s when I lie in bed
And think of things that might have been
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Food for thought:
If all of the things you listed were no longer an issue:
say you could have children, that your parents welcomed you and grace back and blessed your union and you had amazing social skills and never felt afraid...
Do you think that would change everything for you? Do you feel that having those things would make you happy?
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Add to that a healthy arm, and I'd say yes.
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I think one of the potential issues is that many people think they will be happy once they attain something... but once they do... after a while, they feel the emptiness sinking into their hearts again....
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Maybe that's it.
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After all that... i'm going to ask if it's just a matter of hormones or brain chemistry? My cousin was deeply depressed and suicidal for many years... after many failed attempts to end her life... they discovered that she had a disorder in which her brain chemistry and hormones were causing the issue... she began medication to correct the imbalance and has sense been a truly happy and healthy and productive woman, who laughs at the drop of a hat and is smiling... the change was shocking and all it turned out to be was that she needed a certain hormone to correct her system... Could it possibly be something like that, that is affecting your sense of well being?
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I don't know. My gynecologists have always advised me to go on birth control to regulate my hormone levels and my periods, which tend to fluctuate wildly from month to month--I'll have a 22 day cycle one time and 40 the next--and to alleviate the severe PMS symptoms I get. I think, however, that the potential negative side effects greatly outweigh the positives, and I obviously don't need birth control, so I refuse the drugs.
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Above all Gilda... you are loved... loved by me unconditionally and loved by many in this very community... Loved by your family... and i want you to know that, i feel i cannot say it enough times... YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. You are Pefect just the way you are.... no one has ever told you that enough... but it's the truth. 
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I know I have people who love me, three of them at least, and that's more than what some people have, and that's part of why I feel guilty about not being happy. That's supposed to make me happy, getting unconditional love, and it bothers me that it isn't enough. And that's, I think, a little insulting to those who do love me, and I don't want to hurt those people by telling them that their love isn't good enough for me and . . . I'm completely lost on where I was going with this. Being in love with someone who in turn loves you back is supposed to make you happy, and it does when I'm with Grace or when I'm with Sissy or when I'm here interacting with sweetpea, and it sustains me in between times, but . . . I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just don't want to disappoint those people who care about me by not being what they expect me to be.
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I hope my incoherent rambling and questions can be of some use to you...
sweetpea
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It was sweetie, thank you.
Gilda