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Originally Posted by shesus
**Warning could be rambling because of brainstorming and ideas being thrown out**
Gilda, I think that you are happy in those moments because that is what you enjoy. Moments can bring happiness too. When I'm feeling down, I get lost in one of my happiest memories. JJ, Alcina (his daughter), and I went to a secluded beach about a month after we got married. We made sandcastles, ran in the surf, had a picnic, and just enjoyed each other's company. There was no stress and there were no worries. When I meditate that is my happy place.
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That's really nice. Yes, I'm happy in the moment, but I don't know how to transfer that over to the in-between times. I enjoyed the hell out of my discussion of ancient Chinese poetry for the hour that I got to do that and actually get paid for it (is this a great job or what?). But that moment, just like every other good moment I've had, is gone, in the past. I enjoyed those days with Boris, but now that he's gone again, it's that much worse that he isn't here, because I'm more aware of what I've lost, what I missed the past five years by not being able to see him at holidays as he went through his teen years. It works the same with Sissy. I enjoy her so much that, when my mind is given free range, it can't help but land on the idea that soon, in perhaps two or three years if she doesn't go to graduate school here, she'll be gone also.
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While outside stimulus and situations can make you feel happy it is temporary and dependant on those people or things. To actually obtain true happiness that stays with you, you have to have it within you. It's hard to explain and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is for me. It's just something that took about 2 years to get and I have to work at maintaining it. It's almost like Buddhism and finding Nirvana or inner peace.
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That's wonderful. I'm always glad to hear that people I like are doing well.
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My family was the main reason for my problems too. They weren't physically abusive, but they did a number on me mentally. Sissy probably deals with it differently and she is younger than you isn't she? That could also be a difference. However, it sounds like she is enjoying life as a whole, where you focus on independent circumstances. Neither one of you is right or wrong, it is just how people are. You will just need to go a different route.
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Sissy is 20, and I'm 29. I've been in treatment/recovery for about six years, while she's been doing the same for five while simultaneously going through sexual reassignment, which undoubtedly must have made things more difficult for her. She had me to lean on for support, and I had Grace, so we were in about the same situation there.
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Oh, and as for your social anxiety, I think that you may be beating yourself up over this and struggling with it. Personalities are hard to change. My biggest issue with my personality is that I'm a very lethargic person. I sleep a lot. I used to fight myself over this and beat myself up for sleeping so much. My therapist said that there are 2 types of people. One person can run fine on very little sleep, other people need more sleep to function. Neither personality is right, I just happen to be the person that needs more sleep. Once I accepted this, I don't sleep as much. It's strange, but once you stop obsessing over a 'flaw' and accept it as a part of you it seems to disappear.
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Heh. You just described me and Sissy. I don't think I'm capable of sleeping longer than five hours at once, regardless of how long it's been, while Sissy can't get by on less than nine, sometimes ten.
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I don't know if any of my words help you or not. I'm just brainstorming and throwing out ideas. If you want me to stop just let me know. I know that advice is wonderful, but some can be unwelcomed. I just like to help. I hate to see people in the situation I was in. It was hell for me and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When I was there, it seemed like a dark cloud devouring me and I thought I would never shake it.
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I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm glad you were able to work past it. I'm not really depressed. It's been a few years since I last hurt myself and even longer since I've had thoughts of suicide.
I think . . . it's just that this job is what I've been working for for the last 25 years. I'm here, I've got the last big thing, in my dream job, and the job, the work is ever bit as good as I thought it would be. It should at least bring me closer, be a little bit closer. I've got the personal life, the professional success, financial stability, and a fulfilling spiritual life, and it's not enough, and I can't help but wonder, what more is there?
Also, I didn't mean for this to be all about me. It would help if more people would share their thoughts about what makes their own lives happy or unhappy.
Gilda