|
Am I happy? Sometimes. I'd say for the majority of my life, I've been unhappy more than happy. This is actually something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and here are my rambling, and probably disjointed, thoughts.
I'm pretty sure that the way I was raised has a lot to do with my happiness level now. I felt, as a child, that my father didn't value me as much as my siblings because he put a lot of stock in good grades and other accomplishments. My brother and sister were both atheletic, were super smart, and won things like spelling bees and science fairs. I was more intelligent than the average kid, but not nearly as smart as my brother and sister. I wasn't atheletic. It's not that I felt my dad didn't love me, I just felt like I was never good enough. I think this carried over from his own father, who was a very demanding, strict authoritarian.
I've also nearly always been shy. I wasn't shy in kindergarten and first grade; it wasn't until we moved to the town I grew up in that I became shy. We were ostracized because we weren't Mormon, and while this changed as the kids we grew up with matured and realized that we weren't devil spawn, it left me withdrawn and scared of people. I'm actually a very social person, but I'm hesitant to talk to and meet new people, and this is something that I struggle with every day. I've gotten better in the past few years, but lack of friends is something that bothers me a lot.
I'm also really hard on myself for many things. For anyone who has read my journal, one of the biggest reasons can be found there (I'm not going to go into it here). I'm hard on myself for dropping out of college, for being to heavy, and for settling into a job that is safe but hate. I'm taking steps to turn these things around though; I just started back to school after an 8 year absence, I've started to watch what I eat and exercise more, and while I still feel kind of stuck in my job, my education will eventually help me get out of my current job. No, these things won't necessarily help me be happy, but they will take away some of the things that cause me to be unhappy.
I am currently just trying to be comfortable being me. I'm accepting things that I've been wishy washy about, accepting things that are out of my control, and I think it's making me rest a little easier. I really don't know ultimately what would make me happy...happiness seems to be that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There will always be something going on in life that makes you unhappy, I think you just have to accept the things you can't change and actively work to change the things you can. I think self acceptance is the key.
__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"
Formerly Medusa
|