|
Happy? Hah. I'm fucking miserable (warning - post turns into mindless, tedious raving beyond this point. Read at your own risk). Which is why I'm bailing out and going overseas in June for at least six months. I just feel like I'm suffocating here...no sense of direction at all, no idea what I want to do with my life, not meeting new people...shitty job (was at uni but took the last semester off with the intention of getting more work to save for overseas...which didn't materialise so shit work plus too few hours plus too much free time = boredom central). So I had to postpone my trip (wanted to leave early this year as opposed to June), and will also do a subject at uni this semester just for the hell of it (even though I might change degrees when I come back from Europe). And to top it off I had yet another failure in the relationship game this past weekend. It shouldn't be a big deal, it's not like it was at all serious, but it took my mind off of everything else that was wrong in my life - however briefly - and now that's finished the pressure from everything else feels even stronger and more urgent.
I'm 19 and yet I already feel like I'm running out of time.
I have a small group of tightly knit friends, who I love, but I feel restricted by them at the same time. I recently met some new people through a friend of mine, which was refreshing, but at the same time looks like it may end up being another source of frustration and depression. I often feel socially inadequate - I had a chronic skin condition throughout primary school and early high school which I now have under control, but it played a huge part in crippling my self esteem and general social development. I mean don't get the wrong idea, I'm not a social cripple by any means - I just feel overwhelmingly average and unhappy with that area of my development.
I don't have any great skills, nor the motivation to cultivate what talents I do have into something exceptional. Case in point, I'm a very good writer, but don't have a passion for it - if I don't have an essay to write I won't be working on anything of my own volition. I also have some creative ability with the guitar, but again, I don't have a strong enough passion for it to play enough to actually do something with it. I'm partly going overseas in the deluded belief that I will attain some "life experience", learn more about myself by being alone in a foreign environment (will initially stay with relatives, who I don't know, but only initially), which will in turn give me some inspiration/motivation to do something for my life.
You can say that true happiness comes from within (as I believe it probably does), but the fact of the matter is I'd rather be miserable and flying first class than to be miserable and have to catch the fucking bus. Then again, I don't think it's human nature to be happy. If we were happy we'd never strive to achieve anything.
|