thoughts on wife visiting friend of opposite sex - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

hellasnow · 09-26-2004, 09:27 PM

my wife wants to visit a friend of her's, who's male in another state. she met the guy while we were broke up 4-5 years ago. he just came through town a few weeks ago and they went to dinner (which i was and still am fine with) now she wants to go for the weekend to visit him and stay with a girlfriend of his so not staying with him. she says he inspires her writing. i'm not one with words and can't wow her in a way that i'm affraid he might be doing. i've never met him nor talked to him. i trust my wife 120% or i wouldn't have ever married her. i mean seriously i love her dearly and know she feels the same to me, we have a child and trust one another 120%. but i'm worried and don't want her to go, reason being i don't trust him so i fear for her saftey, say he were to try something with her and she not want to then get forceful or something. she says he's a good friend and would never do such a thing, and never has tried anything with her, even back when they met while we wern't together.

this has been a huge argument latley and we've talked extensive about it. she thinks i now don't trust her and that that is the issue, when infact it is not. she says if he were a she i'd be fine with it. which is correct. i just feel i know how men are and think "even as friends" always have that "what if" or "i could have a shot at her sooner or later" thought in the back of their minds.

she just doesn't seem to understand why i don't want her to go and has reversed it all into a i now don't trust her issue, which is way untrue. i trust her very much.

thoughts.....?

thanks

Grondar · 09-26-2004, 09:31 PM

Is it possible for you to go with her and get a room at a hotel where you would both stay nights?

Maybe you could take your child along, and while she's spending time with him, you could take your child around the new state, and show him/her around.. Do something fun, etc.?

Turning it into a family trip could be fun, unless your son/daughter started asking akward questions about where mom is, etc.

hellasnow · 09-26-2004, 09:34 PM

that is a good idea that we have ponder'd on slightly. our child is to young to ask and or know what was going on (little over a year).

maybe we need to talk about this more and make things better rather than worse (which seems like this is only going in the bad direction so far.) i think it has just been a $$ thing for me and the little one to go. good idea tho and thanks for sparking that into my brain again.

thanks!

CaneBay · 09-27-2004, 12:34 AM

She's manipulating you. The "old friend" thing is a ruse. SHe might not even see it yet, but the entire situation sounds like corruption to me, or at least it is if the both of you have committed to a monogamous relationship.

chickentribs · 09-27-2004, 01:07 AM

May I preface this with the fact that I am fiercly independant and always have been - even in my relationships and I know that isn't everyone's cup of tea...

As I read your post, I kept thinking "He doesn't trust her" not once, but like 3 times! Granted, it is a hard situation for you and I think it is perfectly natural for you to have a bit of unrest. My SO of 7 years had a ton of male friends, some that she would vacation with when I was tied up with work. I came to terms early on that I always wanted to be the guy who was confident enough to let her live her life, and in turn she did the same for me. The prize was that you share a life with someone that is a true partner instead of someone tied to you through insecurity and codependancy.

You are human and you will have feelings - but this may be a great opportunity for you to show her that the two of you have a love that you can trust her to have a friendship with a man and still be your wife. (Part of that trust involves respecting that she can weed out jerks and rapists from the good people.)

And if none of that means much - rest assured that if your wife was inclined to fool around on you or leave you, I'm afraid latching onto her arm with your child in tow would not help. I think if you give her this space you will surely earn her love, and respect.

Like I said - not everyone's cup of tea, eh?

Phage · 09-27-2004, 03:12 AM

Things that seem clear to me:

1) No, you do not trust her. Aww, I know it sounds bad, but it really is hard to trust your SO completely. It is also something that you need to aim for in your relationship.

2) If she is going to fool around on you, trying to keep her from going on this trip will not keep her from being unfaithful.

What to do is a harder question. I would trust her because what has really changed? Sure it might be easier for her, but if she was so willing she could be doing anything that is warm while your back is turned. As for her safety, she should know who she is safe with. An old friend is reasonable to trust because if you cannot trust a friend you have known for 4-5 years you should probably be watching your back.

CityOfAngels · 09-27-2004, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phage

If she is going to fool around on you, trying to keep her from going on this trip will not keep her from being unfaithful.

There is nothing truer.
When I was with my ex, I let her go off and hang out with whoever she wanted. I couldn't take her to prom so I let her go with someone else; she slept with him that night (of course I didn't find out until WAY later). I didn't say anything when she hung out with this guy she met at school whom I didn't even meet. Come to find out later that he's buying her clothes, sending her flowers, and she was telling him that she didn't have a boyfriend. She went to visit this guy she met online through her best friend to go to his prom as a favor to him. I strongly objected, due to the anonymous nature, but let her decided for herself. He almost raped her that night and she came home to me at 2 AM.

Why am I telling you all this? Because if you're smart enough, YOU WILL KNOW if something is up. Out of those three things I just told you about, the only one I was clueless about is her prom night, which had it's circumstances (he was an old friend of mine, I wrote him a letter telling him that if he tries anything on her he won't live to brag about it, and made the mistake of having her deliver the letter, which she didn't). The other ones, including the countless times I found out that she was out with other guys, I had my sneaky suspicions about from day one.

Even if you don't have a "cheating Spidey-sense" so to speak, you will find out sooner or later, and you might as well let her know that you'll go the extra mile to show how much you're willing to trust her. Sure, if you find out years from now that she cheated on you with him, you will be DEVASTATED, but that's a risk you take for love. If in reality he is just a friend to her, then your trusting her would show her so much about you; about how dedicated you are to making your relationship work for the both of you rather than just you.

Truthfully, if it was me, I would get super-insecure and beg her not to go. Is that the right thing to do? Hell no. Give her a picture of both you and your child with "We miss you!" written on the back and tell her to look at it every day that she is away to remind her of how bad you want her back home as soon as possible.

hellasnow · 09-27-2004, 07:13 AM

thanks all.

i think your all correct i need to just suck it up and let her go. and show her that yes i infact trust her. i just think this senerio has made me alittle less trusting towards her but my gut knows better and that infact i can trust her.

and very true, if she is going to cheat trying to stop her from seeing people or visiting this guy will only make her want to do it more (if infact that were her intentions). so i guess i'll swallow some pride let her go and just trust her and atleast think about her and make her happy by letting her go.

guess when it comes down to it i'm a tad bit jealous of this guy. but i do have her not him.

thanks all!!

tooth · 09-27-2004, 07:53 AM

My 2 cents...

You pretty much have to let her go, unless you don't mind looking insecure and jealous. It sucks, but you have to take the high road.

But shame on her for even putting you in this situation. If she loves and respects you, she should never willingly put herself into a postion where you have to decide to trust her or not.

I ran into an old friend this past weekend. A very attractive member of the opposite sex. She is someone with whom I have never had sparks of any kind. My wife knows her too, and likes her. Just a nice sweet girl.

We chatted for quite a while, and I found out that she works only about 5 minutes away from me. So we talked about having lunch together sometime. Innocent enough. Just an old friend, no old romantic feelings or anything like that. But after thinking about things for about two seconds, I quickly decided that the only way I would have lunch with her, would be if my wife could join us.

Why? Because I respect my wife enough to continually prove to her that she means that most to me. Even if it means passing up an innocent visit with an old friend. Why would I willingly want to put her in a position to experience the pain of deciding whether she trusts me or not?

CrossEyedLover · 09-27-2004, 08:40 AM

If you truly trusted her, the you wouldn't have asked the question here looking for some kind of confirmation. If she met him when you were split up, then I would take it as a relationship with him, no matter how short it may have been.

I was in a very long-term relationship when I was in my early 20s that lasted for 6+ years. We had one big break-up over very serious differences of opinion on how things should and would be. We broke up for 3 months. I met someone else. She was gorgeous, funny, and "inspiring", but she was 8 years younger than me. I thought maybe I needed more stability and really wasn't sure about letting 6 years go. I broke it off with the younger woman and went back to the old girlfriend. Things stayed the same and I found myself thinking of the other one all the time. I'd talk to her and see her all the time. I'd try to explain to the old girlfriend that the new girl was someone I saw when we broke up and she was now just a "friend", but that went over like a lead balloon. The two never met each other over the course of two years, yet I maintained relationships with both. I ended up marrying the younger woman and have been married, very happily, for 4 years and have 3 awesome little boys.

I was your wife. Granted I wasn't married like you are, but the premiss is the same. I know what it's like to think about the other person. She is unhappy with something in your relationship or thinks something is missing and feels she can find it with the other guy. I think it is ultimately more selfish of her to expect you to think it is okay for her to go than it is for you to expect her to think it's not okay to go.

I WOULD NOT LET HER GO unless you want the strain on the relationship when she gets back. You can't tell me that you won't be thinking about EXACTLY what she supposedly doing when she is with him. It will eat you up just thinking about it. Trust me on this one. If she goes off on you for not wanting her to go, then you guys need to sit down and talk about what the REAL problem is and she needs to be honest about it. I'm sure she won't come out and tell you her feelings for the other guy, but it will at least be a step in the right direction.

I hope things work out well for you guys, but letting her go is a HUGE mistake.

lurkette · 09-27-2004, 09:11 AM

CrossEyedLover, I appreciate your first-hand experience, but I think you're assuming an awful lot about the situation, like that "she is unhappy with something in your relationship..." etc. And as for "I WOULD NOT LET HER GO," last I'd checked she's an adult who doesn't need permission from her husband to go anywhere or do anything. There's a difference between expressing discomfort (healthy) and laying down the law (controlling).

Hellasnow, I think the key here is communication, communication, communication. You are the only person who can know the state of your relationship, and all of us can sit here and analyze and assume until the cows come home. The way I see it, there are several options:

1. Have her go and keep quiet about your discomfort and let it eat you up. Bad idea.

2. Express your discomfort and have her not go till you have worked out whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable, whether it's actual problems in your relationship or just your own insecurities. Do you really think there's some risk of infidelity, or are you jealous because he has some perceived connection with her that you find threatening? If you really can't get comfy with it, she should be willing to forego the trip till you've worked things out. (Although don't expect her to do it 100% cheerfully.)

3. Express your discomfort, have her go, and deal with your insecurities later. If you think it's really all in your head, you should just suck it up, give her some freedom and trust, and deal with what needs to be dealt with.

Any way you slice it, there are two things to take care of: real issues in your relationship together, and your own issues that don't stem from any real problems but from your own imagination and fears.

Good luck!

CrossEyedLover · 09-27-2004, 11:41 AM

Quote:

last I'd checked she's an adult who doesn't need permission from her husband to go anywhere or do anything.

Excuse me? It has nothing to do with controlling. It's a relationship with bonds, love and trust. Feelings should be expressed and respected, but not used as a weapon. Last I checked there are two people in a relationship and if the action involves something this fishy and questionable someone should HAVE permission. Being an adult and your own person doesn't mean saying "Screw you I'm an adult. I don't need your permission." to your partner just because you want something. This is a marriage not a women's-lib rally. Spare me the politics.

Let's see: She met the guy when they were broken up and he "inspires" her. She wants to go "stay" with him in a different state while the husband is at home with the kid.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

What fantasy world do you live in? My relationship is strong with my wife. Neither of us is bitchy or controlling of the other, but I'd be damned if my wife was going to leave me at home with the kids to go stay with a guy "friend" she met when we were split up. My wife says the same thing if it was me in that situation. This is real life, not a book or a TV show. These are real people and not imaginary characters or hypothetical situations. Love is very strong, overpowering emotion. Being protective is part of that, be it of your spouse, your relationship, or your own feelings. This guy's wife shouldn't be putting him in this situation of "damned if you, damned if you don't". If she loved him enough, she wouldn't.

This entire situation looks bogus from the get-go. Take a closer look at the situation and get a clue.

Idea: Tell her while she's gone you're going to need the kid to stay at a relatives because you are going to go stay with a female "friend" you met at the same time she met old Mr. Inspiring. See what tune she whistles then.

gar1976 · 09-27-2004, 12:03 PM

"He inspires her writing?" WTF dude? Translation: "I'm horny for him, and will mount him at the first chance." Another hint for you - guy and his girlfriend are looking for a threesome, and your wife volunteered.

Sorry, I wouldn't buy it. Why can't she be inspired by him from another state?

Not to be a dick, I know it's your wife and all, but this crap should not go on in a marriage.

Sargeman · 09-27-2004, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrossEyedLover

Idea: Tell her while she's gone you're going to need the kid to stay at a relatives because you are going to go stay with a female "friend" you met at the same time she met old Mr. Inspiring. See what tune she whistles then.

As someone once told me, would it be okay with her if it was you that was going to meet an old female friend out of state for the weekend?

Meeting someone for lunch or dinner is one thing but going out of state and hanging out with an old male friend that inspires is another.

But seriously call up an old female friend and tell her you would like to hang out with her all weekend. Then let your wife know about your plans and see if she's okay with it.

Willravel · 09-27-2004, 12:15 PM

I understand 120%. I have been put into this situation before. I would be willing to bet my number one dime that this friend still has feelings for your wife. I can appreciate that you do trust your wife. She is the mother of your child for goodness sake. This guy, however, is not the mother of your child. He is not married to you and you do not know him. He is a stranger to you, so it is perfectly natural, based on the information you have, to be really worrried about this. All you know about this guy is that he dated you wife and he 'inspires' her. Ther is a difference between trusting someones actions and intentions (as you do), and trusting somones thoughts on other people.

Has your wife admitted to the possibility that this guy still likes her? That in and of itself is enough to take a step back from the scenereo. She is going to stay with one of HIS girlfriends. Not someone you know, either. She is going to be spending time doing (writing?) stuff with this guy. This guy that she used to date. This guy that she once had feelings for and who once had (if not has) feelings for her. Put that way, her case begins to crumble.

I know how the conversation goes. If you were to say to her what I just wrote in the last paragraph, she'd say you don't trust her. That's dodging the central issue.

If I were in your shoes: talk to the guy. I know this will apear to be your not trusting your wife on the surface, but you honestly love and care for your wife. Of course, I'm a guy. You might do well talking to women.

irateplatypus · 09-27-2004, 12:26 PM

come on... let's be honest. you don't trust her. and, from the limited amount that any of us know about the situation i would say that mistrust is warranted. she shouldn't place your relationship in the crosshairs simply because she wants to go be "inspired" by another man. when people get married (especially when they have kids) they give up certain activities and freedoms to commit to a relationship. i don't think i'm out of line to say that going off to spend a weekend with a guy she met while you were split is one of those things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lurkette

last I'd checked she's an adult who doesn't need permission from her husband to go anywhere or do anything.

that is a damaging notion, i would avoid it like the plague. you are accountable to each other in equal measure.

don't let her go... but the root cause of this seems to be other problems in your relationship. trying to come down on her whenever she gets these ideas doesn't stop her motivations and will not work for a long term solution. whatever problems exist, turn and face them... let her know that your marriage and child should be the most important thing in your lives, all other desires are secondary to that commitment.

this situation appears to be a symptom, not a cause.

ShaniFaye · 09-27-2004, 01:39 PM

I am wondering if some of you comprehended the original post.

Quote:

now she wants to go for the weekend to visit him and stay with a girlfriend of his so not staying with him

seems to me she is making sure that hellasnow KNOWS she is putting herself in a place to stay where there are no late nite temptations

Quote:

would never do such a thing, and never has tried anything with her, even back when they met while we wern't together

I dont see anything in that posts that says they were "going out" when hellasnow and she were broken up

Both Dave and I have friends of the opposite sex that each of us has never met...I have heard about his, he has heard about mine and been present in the same room when I had conversations with mine on the phone...and we have both, at times, shared the contents of online conversations. I've stated in many threads that I have one very special male friend, next to dave he's my best friend in the world...I've known him for 18 years and has been my rock and inspiration too many times to count. Hell we have gone on trips and shared the same hotel room and still nothing happened and were I too tell dave we wanted to go somewhere he the thought of me chaeting on him wouldnt even enter is mind.....but of course Dave would also get offeneded If I EVER thought I had to have his "permission" to do something. He's not my father, I am an adult and I dont need "permission" to do anything. I guess thats one reason I love him so much....if he EVER thought I thought that I had to have permission from him to do anything he would freak out.

Like someone else said, if she were going to cheat, she'd cheat..she doesnt need an out of town trip to do it.

hellasnow if you trusted her like you say you do.....you wouldnt have needed to make this post to find out what everyone else "thinks"

forgive me if this post rambles...Im on migraine meds and Im having a hard time remembering what 2+2 is hehehe

kutulu · 09-27-2004, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lurkette

last I'd checked she's an adult who doesn't need permission from her husband to go anywhere or do anything

Sorry but that's total BS. When you are married there is more to it that than "I'm an adult and I can do what I want." She's talking about traveling out of state to meet a guy she first met during a time when they were split up. Sure, it is a trust issue but it's not unreasonable to be distrustful in this situation.

I see nothing wrong with making this a family trip.

edit:

Shani, your 18 year friendship does not compare with someone who his wife met during a period when they broke up. He's never met him, the original post makes it seem that he's rarely discussed either. Therefore he seems far from a rock of inspiration.

Sure, she could cheat and fuck any random dude. That's obvious to everyone. However, in this situation there are already emotional ties that make it more like hooking up with an ex than some one night stand (ie intimacy that you don't get from one night stand).

If she is cheating, the "girlfriend" could me a made up situation. Something to tell the husband to help his doubts about it. It doesn't mean she'd actually stay there.

adam · 09-27-2004, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tooth

My 2 cents...

You pretty much have to let her go, unless you don't mind looking insecure and jealous. It sucks, but you have to take the high road.

But shame on her for even putting you in this situation. If she loves and respects you, she should never willingly put herself into a postion where you have to decide to trust her or not.

I basically agree with both parts of this. You don't have much choice but to trust her, but her behavior seems odd to me and is setting off warning bells. That doesn't mean anything untoward will happen, just that if she loved you she wouldn't put you in the position of having to trust her to visit an old SO.

My $0.02, fwiw.

nottwood · 09-27-2004, 02:53 PM

Quit getting in touch with your feminine side, and grow some. Either be really pissed, super jealous, and freak out on her, Or, let her go and get a life. I don't think there is any 'grey' area here, its black or white

)

guardian · 09-27-2004, 03:03 PM

I have to agree with these guys, My wife likes to say she stays friends with all her ex's but I finally had to help relize that they were only friends because they still want to be with her. Out of all of them only one of them still talks with her. They only talk on the phone but it still bugs me a bit. He has came out and told her that he is still very interested in her. I trust her but I agree with CrossEyedLove, There is only so far you can let this go without it turning into a really bad thing. Talking on the phone or seeing him in public while he is in town is fine. Going out of town to visit him without any way of you knowing one way or the other is wrong of her to ask of you as her husband.
My wife knows this and will not see him, only talk on the phone. She also knows that I will reverse the roles to prove a point so she stays out of situations she does not want me in.

Rlyss · 09-27-2004, 03:47 PM

I don't think anybody's mentioned the possinility that the wife might be going there with honorable intentions, staying with her female friend, really not intending to cheat at all. But maybe the guy has intentions to make a move on your wife and she doesn't realize it.

I'm not saying this will happen, but while reading this thread this was going through my mind:

How is she going to feel when (if) she goes there trusting him, after you've asked her not to, and he then makes a move on her? She's not going to trust him anymore, she's going to be totally dismayed and it'll be a huge shock to her to think that she trusted him to be an honorable man, but he's just a sleaze. She's going to have to come back to you and she'll be so ashamed and humiliated to think that you were right and that she should never have gone. It'll turn many things around. If she comes back upset she might not tell you why, because she'll be too ashamed that he tried to move in on her.

toxic515 · 09-27-2004, 05:12 PM

A very smart man (Ben Franklin) once said before marriage, keep both eyes open, after, close one... Don't be stupid or blind to the situation, but then don't look for crap that isn't there. Personally the only thing there that I find icky is the "inspiration" bit. That indicates an intimacy that I personally would prefer to know about more before I simply accepted that my wife was going to go. Physical relationships are not nearly so damaging to a marriage as an emotional attachment that is out of bounds.

Now, as to her being a grown woman and doing as she pleases, this is technically true. However, a person of integrity upholds the contracts to which they commit. To that end, you have every right and responsibility to express discomfort or displeasure, should you have any... Always be prepared for the possible responses, just as she should be prepared of the consequences. I'd tell her that I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation, but that I love her and if she wants to go, then I am prepared to try to deal with my insecurity.

Hope that helps.

Howdee · 09-27-2004, 05:31 PM

Can't her friend "Inspire" her over the phone or via e-mail? What does he 'physicaly' have to do to inspire her?

gar1976 · 09-27-2004, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Howdee

Can't her friend "Inspire" her over the phone or via e-mail? What does he 'physicaly' have to do to inspire her?

Uhhhh........take a guess......

Sargeman · 09-27-2004, 07:36 PM

Here's another idea. Couldn't he come and stay with you guys for the weekend?

Just because she may be staying with a girlfriend doesn't mean anything. They may be into the threesome or group thing. She may be a girl that is a friend. He may be living with that girlfriend.

lurkette · 09-28-2004, 06:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrossEyedLover

Excuse me? It has nothing to do with controlling. It's a relationship with bonds, love and trust. Feelings should be expressed and respected, but not used as a weapon. Last I checked there are two people in a relationship and if the action involves something this fishy and questionable someone should HAVE permission. Being an adult and your own person doesn't mean saying "Screw you I'm an adult. I don't need your permission." to your partner just because you want something. This is a marriage not a women's-lib rally. Spare me the politics.

First, calm down.

This is not about "women's lib" - I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed. I'm not taking issue with the underlying idea - that she should get her husband's blessing - but with the "lay down the law" way you stated it.

Quote:

Let's see: She met the guy when they were broken up and he "inspires" her. She wants to go "stay" with him in a different state while the husband is at home with the kid.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

Actually she wants to visit him and stay with a female friend.

Quote:

What fantasy world do you live in? My relationship is strong with my wife. Neither of us is bitchy or controlling of the other, but I'd be damned if my wife was going to leave me at home with the kids to go stay with a guy "friend" she met when we were split up. My wife says the same thing if it was me in that situation. This is real life, not a book or a TV show. These are real people and not imaginary characters or hypothetical situations. Love is very strong, overpowering emotion. Being protective is part of that, be it of your spouse, your relationship, or your own feelings. This guy's wife shouldn't be putting him in this situation of "damned if you, damned if you don't". If she loved him enough, she wouldn't.

I don't live in a fantasy world, but I too, am a real person, and I do have a very trusting marriage and neither of us would have a problem with the other seeing a friend of the other sex. In fact, my ex-boyfriend is coming to stay with us for a while next month. *shrug* Different relationships have different boundaries.

And I have to disagree that "If she loved him enough, she wouldn't." She might just be clueless. It doesn't sound like he's communicated just how upset he is...until that happens and she's had a chance to respond, I don't think it's fair to judge her as "unloving".

Quote:

This entire situation looks bogus from the get-go. Take a closer look at the situation and get a clue.

*mod hat* Watch your tone, young man! No need to get snippy just because you disagree with me. /mod hat

I'd say that, in the absence of more details about the situation, both of us are letting our own experiences color our advice. You had a bad experience that makes you see deceit in the situation; I have an open marriage that makes me more neutral and circumspect about her intentions. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.

I note that you didn't reply to the rest of my message that said "talk to her about it" and gave him the option of requesting that she not go.

Goat Boy · 09-28-2004, 06:56 AM

Hey hellasnow, you should really take off those panties.

Seriously, I'd tell her, "You are free to do whatever you like, but if you think leaving town, and spending OUR money, to go "be inspired" by some other guy is an adult way to act, don't bother coming back. Because you know the situation makes me uncomfortable, and yet you insist on not compromising. I'm not anybody's fool."

If you're wrong you're wrong, but at least you still have a backbone.

legolas · 09-28-2004, 07:48 AM

um i skimmed through most of this and i think most people got the wrong idea. he trusts her, he doesn't trust the other guy. i can relate very much.
in a relationship there has to be 100% trust or not. i understand if you don't trust the guy. talk to her about it though.

moonstrucksoul · 09-28-2004, 08:23 AM

what a hot thread.

this whole situation stinks to high hell.

sorry, I am jaded. I sooooo feel your anxiety over this.

don't be a fool. it feels worse than a direct hit.
trust your instincts, If it doesn't feel right, it's probably not right.

maybe more men need to have a female "friend" in there lives. then maybe women would understand this.

Redgirl · 09-28-2004, 09:15 AM

Hmmm... in my personal relationship this would be a no go- for either one of us. I think you need to really express your feelings to her and if she won't figure out a compromise then you need to start asking yourself why she's so adament? I liked the previous poster's suggestion: why not have him come stay with you?

Also, the way you made it sound was they haven't really kept in contact that much until they just saw each other recently. To me that seems a little less like an 'old friend' and more like trying to renew something they had.

legolas · 09-28-2004, 02:31 PM

either you trust her or you don't. that's the bottom line. if you don't trust her then the relationship is lost anyways.

adam · 09-28-2004, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by legolas

either you trust her or you don't. that's the bottom line. if you don't trust her then the relationship is lost anyways.

The world isn't black and white. You can partially trust, or believe she means what she says but that something doesn't add up -- but she may not be consciously aware herself. There are lots of shades of gray.

Something smells funny about this to me. Lurkette is obviously right that you should explain your fears to her. But in the end, if she wants to go, you have to hope for the best. Trust yourself -- if something happens, you will figure it out.

The reality is that the best you can do is communicate your fears and see what happens. There are no guarantees.

avhg1 · 09-29-2004, 12:52 PM

A relationship is about respecting each other's feelings. Telling her she can't go will only make you look like a jerk and probably intensify her feeling that she should go. Explain your feelings, but make sure that she understands that you are not telling her what to do.

As for it being a trust issue, I think it is and you are only trying to convince yourself otherwise. I've done it in my relationship. I made up all kinds of what if's, but it always boiled down to a trust issue. I think it is close to impossible to truly trust someone if you really love them. They hold too much of your feelings and there is always a self preservation instinct. In my case I just think that everyone makes bad choices at times and some situations, such as yours, just seem to be hedging the odds on those choices being made.

ratbastid · 09-29-2004, 01:12 PM

I don't have much to say about her and the friend. I will say this: I don't buy your claim of 120% trust. You protest too much, my friend. I know it doesn't look very good to be distrustful of your partner, but denying your jealousy (actually I see you copped to it in a later post; good for you!) won't serve any valuable purpose here. Part of you is worried something might happen! And that's a natural worry! You've concocted a rape scenerio out of thin air to rationalize your very normal worry.

Now: "Marriage is all about trust", right? So, if you don't trust her completely, is your marriage in trouble? Of course not! Don't be silly. You've just got something to work out, is all. EVERY marriage has stuff to work out at all times. There's totally nothing wrong here.

gar1976 · 09-29-2004, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by avhg1

A relationship is about respecting each other's feelings. Telling her she can't go will only make you look like a jerk and probably intensify her feeling that she should go. Explain your feelings, but make sure that she understands that you are not telling her what to do.

As for it being a trust issue, I think it is and you are only trying to convince yourself otherwise. I've done it in my relationship. I made up all kinds of what if's, but it always boiled down to a trust issue. I think it is close to impossible to truly trust someone if you really love them. They hold too much of your feelings and there is always a self preservation instinct. In my case I just think that everyone makes bad choices at times and some situations, such as yours, just seem to be hedging the odds on those choices being made.

There is nothing better in a relationship than 100% unconditional trust. However, that trust needs to be built on good decisions made by the other party.

Heading out of state to visit an old fling alone is NOT a good decision, no matter how you want to spruce it up. My wife would not be going on a trip like that, and I understand that I would not be either if the roles were reversed, no matter how good my intentions were. A marriage is give and take, and it sounds like our boy here is about to be taken for a ride.

CrossEyedLover · 09-29-2004, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Actually she wants to visit him and stay with a female friend.

Quote:

she wants to go for the weekend to visit him and stay with a girlfriend of his

Not quite the same thing, especially when the hubby is not going to be anywhere near the situation. 3-some anyone?

Quote:

I don't live in a fantasy world, but I too, am a real person, and I do have a very trusting marriage and neither of us would have a problem with the other seeing a friend of the other sex. In fact, my ex-boyfriend is coming to stay with us for a while next month. *shrug* Different relationships have different boundaries.

Quote:

my wife wants to visit a friend of her's, who's male in another state.

Again, not the same thing. Apples and oranges.

Quote:

*mod hat* Watch your tone, young man! No need to get snippy just because you disagree with me. /mod hat

Zzzzzz.....

Quote:

I note that you didn't reply to the rest of my message that said "talk to her about it" and gave him the option of requesting that she not go.

Actually, I told him, many posts ago, that he should talk about it. Thanks for being original.

While they're talking about it, maybe he'll "lay down the law" and she'll get a clue.

440sixpack · 09-29-2004, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adam

The world isn't black and white. You can partially trust, or believe she means what she says but that something doesn't add up -- but she may not be consciously aware herself. There are lots of shades of gray.

God knows I know this is true. If there's one thing I've learned in my 33 years on this fine world, is that "trust" is chock full of shades of gray.

combatmedicjen · 09-29-2004, 08:03 PM

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I would never go to visit a male friend of mine if my husband couldn't come. Likewise, he would never visit a female friend without me. It's just a respect thing. I am committed to xepherys, and I would be disrespecting him by running off to be with another man, even if my relationship with that man wasn't sexual in any way. Xeph and I are completely monogamous and trust each other completely, but there are just some things you don't do when you're married.

CityOfAngels · 09-30-2004, 03:13 AM

I say open up completely and have your wife look at this thread. Be open about your doubts, and maybe she can see into your inner-self and realize that whether or not you trust her, she's hurting you by leaving with this guy.

09-26-2004, 09:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
hellasnow Insane	thoughts on wife visiting friend of opposite sex my wife wants to visit a friend of her's, who's male in another state. she met the guy while we were broke up 4-5 years ago. he just came through town a few weeks ago and they went to dinner (which i was and still am fine with) now she wants to go for the weekend to visit him and stay with a girlfriend of his so not staying with him. she says he inspires her writing. i'm not one with words and can't wow her in a way that i'm affraid he might be doing. i've never met him nor talked to him. i trust my wife 120% or i wouldn't have ever married her. i mean seriously i love her dearly and know she feels the same to me, we have a child and trust one another 120%. but i'm worried and don't want her to go, reason being i don't trust him so i fear for her saftey, say he were to try something with her and she not want to then get forceful or something. she says he's a good friend and would never do such a thing, and never has tried anything with her, even back when they met while we wern't together. this has been a huge argument latley and we've talked extensive about it. she thinks i now don't trust her and that that is the issue, when infact it is not. she says if he were a she i'd be fine with it. which is correct. i just feel i know how men are and think "even as friends" always have that "what if" or "i could have a shot at her sooner or later" thought in the back of their minds. she just doesn't seem to understand why i don't want her to go and has reversed it all into a i now don't trust her issue, which is way untrue. i trust her very much. thoughts.....? thanks __________________ "when life looks like easy street..... theres danger at your door." (JG)

09-26-2004, 09:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
Grondar Junkie Location: Pa, USA	Is it possible for you to go with her and get a room at a hotel where you would both stay nights? Maybe you could take your child along, and while she's spending time with him, you could take your child around the new state, and show him/her around.. Do something fun, etc.? Turning it into a family trip could be fun, unless your son/daughter started asking akward questions about where mom is, etc. __________________ "Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that." -Stewie

09-26-2004, 09:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
hellasnow Insane	that is a good idea that we have ponder'd on slightly. our child is to young to ask and or know what was going on (little over a year). maybe we need to talk about this more and make things better rather than worse (which seems like this is only going in the bad direction so far.) i think it has just been a $$ thing for me and the little one to go. good idea tho and thanks for sparking that into my brain again. thanks! __________________ "when life looks like easy street..... theres danger at your door." (JG)

09-27-2004, 01:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	May I preface this with the fact that I am fiercly independant and always have been - even in my relationships and I know that isn't everyone's cup of tea... As I read your post, I kept thinking "He doesn't trust her" not once, but like 3 times! Granted, it is a hard situation for you and I think it is perfectly natural for you to have a bit of unrest. My SO of 7 years had a ton of male friends, some that she would vacation with when I was tied up with work. I came to terms early on that I always wanted to be the guy who was confident enough to let her live her life, and in turn she did the same for me. The prize was that you share a life with someone that is a true partner instead of someone tied to you through insecurity and codependancy. You are human and you will have feelings - but this may be a great opportunity for you to show her that the two of you have a love that you can trust her to have a friendship with a man and still be your wife. (Part of that trust involves respecting that she can weed out jerks and rapists from the good people.) And if none of that means much - rest assured that if your wife was inclined to fool around on you or leave you, I'm afraid latching onto her arm with your child in tow would not help. I think if you give her this space you will surely earn her love, and respect. Like I said - not everyone's cup of tea, eh? __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

09-27-2004, 07:13 AM	#8 (permalink)
hellasnow Insane	thanks all. i think your all correct i need to just suck it up and let her go. and show her that yes i infact trust her. i just think this senerio has made me alittle less trusting towards her but my gut knows better and that infact i can trust her. and very true, if she is going to cheat trying to stop her from seeing people or visiting this guy will only make her want to do it more (if infact that were her intentions). so i guess i'll swallow some pride let her go and just trust her and atleast think about her and make her happy by letting her go. guess when it comes down to it i'm a tad bit jealous of this guy. but i do have her not him. thanks all!! __________________ "when life looks like easy street..... theres danger at your door." (JG)

09-27-2004, 12:34 AM	#4 (permalink)
CaneBay Upright Location: Near Sacramento, CA	She's manipulating you. The "old friend" thing is a ruse. SHe might not even see it yet, but the entire situation sounds like corruption to me, or at least it is if the both of you have committed to a monogamous relationship.

09-27-2004, 03:12 AM	#6 (permalink)
Phage Insane	Things that seem clear to me: 1) No, you do not trust her. Aww, I know it sounds bad, but it really is hard to trust your SO completely. It is also something that you need to aim for in your relationship. 2) If she is going to fool around on you, trying to keep her from going on this trip will not keep her from being unfaithful. What to do is a harder question. I would trust her because what has really changed? Sure it might be easier for her, but if she was so willing she could be doing anything that is warm while your back is turned. As for her safety, she should know who she is safe with. An old friend is reasonable to trust because if you cannot trust a friend you have known for 4-5 years you should probably be watching your back.

09-27-2004, 07:53 AM	#9 (permalink)
tooth Addict	My 2 cents... You pretty much have to let her go, unless you don't mind looking insecure and jealous. It sucks, but you have to take the high road. But shame on her for even putting you in this situation. If she loves and respects you, she should never willingly put herself into a postion where you have to decide to trust her or not. I ran into an old friend this past weekend. A very attractive member of the opposite sex. She is someone with whom I have never had sparks of any kind. My wife knows her too, and likes her. Just a nice sweet girl. We chatted for quite a while, and I found out that she works only about 5 minutes away from me. So we talked about having lunch together sometime. Innocent enough. Just an old friend, no old romantic feelings or anything like that. But after thinking about things for about two seconds, I quickly decided that the only way I would have lunch with her, would be if my wife could join us. Why? Because I respect my wife enough to continually prove to her that she means that most to me. Even if it means passing up an innocent visit with an old friend. Why would I willingly want to put her in a position to experience the pain of deciding whether she trusts me or not?

09-27-2004, 08:40 AM	#10 (permalink)
CrossEyedLover Upright Location: NorthCoast, USA	NO FREAKING WAY! If you truly trusted her, the you wouldn't have asked the question here looking for some kind of confirmation. If she met him when you were split up, then I would take it as a relationship with him, no matter how short it may have been. I was in a very long-term relationship when I was in my early 20s that lasted for 6+ years. We had one big break-up over very serious differences of opinion on how things should and would be. We broke up for 3 months. I met someone else. She was gorgeous, funny, and "inspiring", but she was 8 years younger than me. I thought maybe I needed more stability and really wasn't sure about letting 6 years go. I broke it off with the younger woman and went back to the old girlfriend. Things stayed the same and I found myself thinking of the other one all the time. I'd talk to her and see her all the time. I'd try to explain to the old girlfriend that the new girl was someone I saw when we broke up and she was now just a "friend", but that went over like a lead balloon. The two never met each other over the course of two years, yet I maintained relationships with both. I ended up marrying the younger woman and have been married, very happily, for 4 years and have 3 awesome little boys. I was your wife. Granted I wasn't married like you are, but the premiss is the same. I know what it's like to think about the other person. She is unhappy with something in your relationship or thinks something is missing and feels she can find it with the other guy. I think it is ultimately more selfish of her to expect you to think it is okay for her to go than it is for you to expect her to think it's not okay to go. I WOULD NOT LET HER GO unless you want the strain on the relationship when she gets back. You can't tell me that you won't be thinking about EXACTLY what she supposedly doing when she is with him. It will eat you up just thinking about it. Trust me on this one. If she goes off on you for not wanting her to go, then you guys need to sit down and talk about what the REAL problem is and she needs to be honest about it. I'm sure she won't come out and tell you her feelings for the other guy, but it will at least be a step in the right direction. I hope things work out well for you guys, but letting her go is a HUGE mistake. __________________ Did you hear about the CrossEyedLover? He missed her kisser and kissed her pisser.

09-27-2004, 09:11 AM	#11 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	CrossEyedLover, I appreciate your first-hand experience, but I think you're assuming an awful lot about the situation, like that "she is unhappy with something in your relationship..." etc. And as for "I WOULD NOT LET HER GO," last I'd checked she's an adult who doesn't need permission from her husband to go anywhere or do anything. There's a difference between expressing discomfort (healthy) and laying down the law (controlling). Hellasnow, I think the key here is communication, communication, communication. You are the only person who can know the state of your relationship, and all of us can sit here and analyze and assume until the cows come home. The way I see it, there are several options: 1. Have her go and keep quiet about your discomfort and let it eat you up. Bad idea. 2. Express your discomfort and have her not go till you have worked out whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable, whether it's actual problems in your relationship or just your own insecurities. Do you really think there's some risk of infidelity, or are you jealous because he has some perceived connection with her that you find threatening? If you really can't get comfy with it, she should be willing to forego the trip till you've worked things out. (Although don't expect her to do it 100% cheerfully.) 3. Express your discomfort, have her go, and deal with your insecurities later. If you think it's really all in your head, you should just suck it up, give her some freedom and trust, and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Any way you slice it, there are two things to take care of: real issues in your relationship together, and your own issues that don't stem from any real problems but from your own imagination and fears. Good luck! __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

09-27-2004, 12:03 PM	#13 (permalink)
gar1976 Custom User Title Location: Lurking. Under the desk.	"He inspires her writing?" WTF dude? Translation: "I'm horny for him, and will mount him at the first chance." Another hint for you - guy and his girlfriend are looking for a threesome, and your wife volunteered. Sorry, I wouldn't buy it. Why can't she be inspired by him from another state? Not to be a dick, I know it's your wife and all, but this crap should not go on in a marriage. __________________ Blistex, in regards to crappy games - They made pong look like a story driven RPG with a dynamic campaign.

09-27-2004, 12:15 PM	#15 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	I understand 120%. I have been put into this situation before. I would be willing to bet my number one dime that this friend still has feelings for your wife. I can appreciate that you do trust your wife. She is the mother of your child for goodness sake. This guy, however, is not the mother of your child. He is not married to you and you do not know him. He is a stranger to you, so it is perfectly natural, based on the information you have, to be really worrried about this. All you know about this guy is that he dated you wife and he 'inspires' her. Ther is a difference between trusting someones actions and intentions (as you do), and trusting somones thoughts on other people. Has your wife admitted to the possibility that this guy still likes her? That in and of itself is enough to take a step back from the scenereo. She is going to stay with one of HIS girlfriends. Not someone you know, either. She is going to be spending time doing (writing?) stuff with this guy. This guy that she used to date. This guy that she once had feelings for and who once had (if not has) feelings for her. Put that way, her case begins to crumble. I know how the conversation goes. If you were to say to her what I just wrote in the last paragraph, she'd say you don't trust her. That's dodging the central issue. If I were in your shoes: talk to the guy. I know this will apear to be your not trusting your wife on the surface, but you honestly love and care for your wife. Of course, I'm a guy. You might do well talking to women.

09-27-2004, 02:53 PM	#20 (permalink)
nottwood Tilted	Quit getting in touch with your feminine side, and grow some. Either be really pissed, super jealous, and freak out on her, Or, let her go and get a life. I don't think there is any 'grey' area here, its black or white)

09-27-2004, 03:03 PM	#21 (permalink)
guardian Upright	I have to agree with these guys, My wife likes to say she stays friends with all her ex's but I finally had to help relize that they were only friends because they still want to be with her. Out of all of them only one of them still talks with her. They only talk on the phone but it still bugs me a bit. He has came out and told her that he is still very interested in her. I trust her but I agree with CrossEyedLove, There is only so far you can let this go without it turning into a really bad thing. Talking on the phone or seeing him in public while he is in town is fine. Going out of town to visit him without any way of you knowing one way or the other is wrong of her to ask of you as her husband. My wife knows this and will not see him, only talk on the phone. She also knows that I will reverse the roles to prove a point so she stays out of situations she does not want me in.

09-27-2004, 03:47 PM	#22 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	I don't think anybody's mentioned the possinility that the wife might be going there with honorable intentions, staying with her female friend, really not intending to cheat at all. But maybe the guy has intentions to make a move on your wife and she doesn't realize it. I'm not saying this will happen, but while reading this thread this was going through my mind: How is she going to feel when (if) she goes there trusting him, after you've asked her not to, and he then makes a move on her? She's not going to trust him anymore, she's going to be totally dismayed and it'll be a huge shock to her to think that she trusted him to be an honorable man, but he's just a sleaze. She's going to have to come back to you and she'll be so ashamed and humiliated to think that you were right and that she should never have gone. It'll turn many things around. If she comes back upset she might not tell you why, because she'll be too ashamed that he tried to move in on her.

09-27-2004, 05:12 PM	#23 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	A very smart man (Ben Franklin) once said before marriage, keep both eyes open, after, close one... Don't be stupid or blind to the situation, but then don't look for crap that isn't there. Personally the only thing there that I find icky is the "inspiration" bit. That indicates an intimacy that I personally would prefer to know about more before I simply accepted that my wife was going to go. Physical relationships are not nearly so damaging to a marriage as an emotional attachment that is out of bounds. Now, as to her being a grown woman and doing as she pleases, this is technically true. However, a person of integrity upholds the contracts to which they commit. To that end, you have every right and responsibility to express discomfort or displeasure, should you have any... Always be prepared for the possible responses, just as she should be prepared of the consequences. I'd tell her that I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation, but that I love her and if she wants to go, then I am prepared to try to deal with my insecurity. Hope that helps. __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

09-27-2004, 05:31 PM	#24 (permalink)
Howdee Upright Location: Heaven........ Nope. Iowa!!	Can't her friend "Inspire" her over the phone or via e-mail? What does he 'physicaly' have to do to inspire her?

09-27-2004, 07:36 PM	#26 (permalink)
Sargeman Insane Location: Texas	Here's another idea. Couldn't he come and stay with you guys for the weekend? Just because she may be staying with a girlfriend doesn't mean anything. They may be into the threesome or group thing. She may be a girl that is a friend. He may be living with that girlfriend. __________________ ...because there are no facts, there is no truth, just data to be manipulated. I can get you any results you like, what's it worth to you.....

09-28-2004, 06:56 AM	#28 (permalink)
Goat Boy Upright	Hey hellasnow, you should really take off those panties. Seriously, I'd tell her, "You are free to do whatever you like, but if you think leaving town, and spending OUR money, to go "be inspired" by some other guy is an adult way to act, don't bother coming back. Because you know the situation makes me uncomfortable, and yet you insist on not compromising. I'm not anybody's fool." If you're wrong you're wrong, but at least you still have a backbone.

09-28-2004, 07:48 AM	#29 (permalink)
legolas shit faced cockmaster Location: CT	um i skimmed through most of this and i think most people got the wrong idea. he trusts her, he doesn't trust the other guy. i can relate very much. in a relationship there has to be 100% trust or not. i understand if you don't trust the guy. talk to her about it though. __________________ "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

09-28-2004, 08:23 AM	#30 (permalink)
moonstrucksoul hovering in the distance Location: the land of milk and honey	what a hot thread. this whole situation stinks to high hell. sorry, I am jaded. I sooooo feel your anxiety over this. don't be a fool. it feels worse than a direct hit. trust your instincts, If it doesn't feel right, it's probably not right. maybe more men need to have a female "friend" in there lives. then maybe women would understand this. __________________ no signature required Last edited by moonstrucksoul; 09-28-2004 at 08:28 AM..

09-28-2004, 09:15 AM	#31 (permalink)
Redgirl Addict Location: Native America	Hmmm... in my personal relationship this would be a no go- for either one of us. I think you need to really express your feelings to her and if she won't figure out a compromise then you need to start asking yourself why she's so adament? I liked the previous poster's suggestion: why not have him come stay with you? Also, the way you made it sound was they haven't really kept in contact that much until they just saw each other recently. To me that seems a little less like an 'old friend' and more like trying to renew something they had. __________________ Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

09-28-2004, 02:31 PM	#32 (permalink)
legolas shit faced cockmaster Location: CT	either you trust her or you don't. that's the bottom line. if you don't trust her then the relationship is lost anyways. __________________ "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

09-29-2004, 12:52 PM	#34 (permalink)
avhg1 Insane Location: MD	A relationship is about respecting each other's feelings. Telling her she can't go will only make you look like a jerk and probably intensify her feeling that she should go. Explain your feelings, but make sure that she understands that you are not telling her what to do. As for it being a trust issue, I think it is and you are only trying to convince yourself otherwise. I've done it in my relationship. I made up all kinds of what if's, but it always boiled down to a trust issue. I think it is close to impossible to truly trust someone if you really love them. They hold too much of your feelings and there is always a self preservation instinct. In my case I just think that everyone makes bad choices at times and some situations, such as yours, just seem to be hedging the odds on those choices being made.

09-29-2004, 01:12 PM	#35 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	I don't have much to say about her and the friend. I will say this: I don't buy your claim of 120% trust. You protest too much, my friend. I know it doesn't look very good to be distrustful of your partner, but denying your jealousy (actually I see you copped to it in a later post; good for you!) won't serve any valuable purpose here. Part of you is worried something might happen! And that's a natural worry! You've concocted a rape scenerio out of thin air to rationalize your very normal worry. Now: "Marriage is all about trust", right? So, if you don't trust her completely, is your marriage in trouble? Of course not! Don't be silly. You've just got something to work out, is all. EVERY marriage has stuff to work out at all times. There's totally nothing wrong here. Last edited by ratbastid; 09-29-2004 at 01:17 PM..

09-29-2004, 08:03 PM	#39 (permalink)
combatmedicjen Banned	Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I would never go to visit a male friend of mine if my husband couldn't come. Likewise, he would never visit a female friend without me. It's just a respect thing. I am committed to xepherys, and I would be disrespecting him by running off to be with another man, even if my relationship with that man wasn't sexual in any way. Xeph and I are completely monogamous and trust each other completely, but there are just some things you don't do when you're married.

09-30-2004, 03:13 AM	#40 (permalink)
CityOfAngels Oh shit it's Wayne Brady! Location: Passenger seat of Wayne Brady's car.	I say open up completely and have your wife look at this thread. Be open about your doubts, and maybe she can see into your inner-self and realize that whether or not you trust her, she's hurting you by leaving with this guy.