Apache

Well my hubby and I have talked about it. And talked about. And talked about it, for awhile now actually. Several years ago we started talking about it but I never would have thought of actually doing it, it was all fantasy for me I guess. Then we took another step forward and registered on swinger sites to meet people. Just to see. A way to kind of talk to people already in the lifestyle. It helped. Some of the couples we met said that they talked about it for a year some even more before actually doing it. There are no jealousy issues for me or my hubby. I want to see him with another woman, and he is dying to see me with another man it seems like, lol. But the problem I have is the whole thing of seperating making love to just having sex. Until I can get over that issue, it won't be happening with us.

Ustwo

Catch 22, until you try it, you won't know if you are over it.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Deltona Couple

This is true to a very close point. there are different ways to feel like you are able to do this separation, but until you actually DO the deed, so-to-speak, you won't know for sure.

As a suggestion to those interested in honestly trying it, find a local house that hosts parties, and just attend one evening. EVERY place we have ever attended has a simple policy that NOBODY is required to participate, and each couple decides their own level of participation. Apache, maybe you and you husband could go to a party and just watch. See how you two feel, and then if you are ready, consider what is called "soft-swap" which is where the only swapping you do is together, in the same room, but only oral is allowed. Make your own rules, but STICK TO THEM the first night. No matter HOW much fun you are having. Then the next day you can sit down together and talk about it. If you are comfortable, then you can make the next step, if not, then you haven't really gone so far that you would feel very uncomfortable. This is not for everyone. I have seen couples coming in to the party house ready to go, and wind up fighting later that night. You MUST come to a common understanding of the limits BEFORE you arrive. Good luck to you, and everyone interested.

Also, on a side note, those that have done the swinging before, maybe you might be willing to post how your first experience went? Not asking for details (unless you want to PM them to me! ) but more on how you got started, what you allowed to happen, etc!

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"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

BlackIce

Now I see alot of people into this and such and you all seem older *not trying to be disrespectful* But I'm 22 and my gf is 20 and we're interested in doing this. We've been togther for 5 years now and we both are very sexual people and we have a strong monogomaus relationship. We're interested in having a 3some with another woman and also with another couple and possibly involved in some of those sex parties. However, we're completely new to this and not sure even where to begin looking up information about this type of thing. We just signed up for some swinging site but havent gone through all of it yet. Honestly, I'm not sure if im completely comfortable with her having sex with another man. On one hand, the thought of it turns me on alot but I'm not sure if I would be able to deal with the jealousness of it but I'm willing to at least try it once and see how it goes. We have only had sex with each other and no one else.

So we're wondering is there a swinging crowd for people our ages? We want to deal with people around our age group 20-25. Also, how did everyone get into the swinging thing? What was the first expirence like for you? And do you have any advice for us since we have no clue...oh and we live in NJ if that helps any lol

fyrehair

My first time swinging was with my current bf 4 yrs ago. It was actually after a good friend's wedding (I was the maid of honor). My bf and I started flirting with another couple, and things progressed from there. We eventually found ourselves at the bride & groom's house. She got involved for a lil while, but her husband asked her to come to bed. My bf and I and the other couple had an awesome time.

Of course, he & I discussed everything afterwards. There was some jealousy on my part, but we worked through it and discovered that this was something we wanted to continue doing. We're now a host couple for a swing club in Western NY. (If anyone has any questions, PM me. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.)

And yes, a majority of swingers (at least that I've seen) are in their mid 40's-early 50's. Many say that they're just getting to a point in their relationship that they are comfortable enough to even bring up the subject of swinging, much less try it. Another reason is that many are parents and their kids are out of the house or at least old enough to look after themselves for a night.

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I do not envy you the headache that you will have in the morning. Until then, sleep well and dream of large women.

Ustwo

Danger Will Robenson danger! (hope you weren't to young for that )

Even though you have been together for 5 years, you are just 'grown up'. Jealousy is a lot stronger for most people at your ages, and while an FMF may be fine for you (as almost any man), you need to be in control of your emotions if you are going to let her have sex with another guy. Jealousy is not something you can turn on and off, and it would be a shame to have it hurt your relationship just for a sexual thrill.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

agoodbadhabit

Hmmm, that hasn't been our experience out here (San Francisco area) at all. The parties and clubs we attend are full of mid-20s to mid-40s people, and lots and lots of them are regulars.

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"The only real blasphemy is the refusal of joy."

SugahBritches

Wow. I've only heard stories about this. Actually when I first started hearing things it was about the "car keys" thingy. Boy, now I AM tellin' my age and where I live and was raised! LOL!

But, until recently.....I've never really explored it. As someone else mentioned it was only like a fantasy type of thing really. Some folks here might think me a little backroads, but it's just not done that much around here (if any! LOL!) or because it's just a well hidden secret. I don't know.

Personally, I think I could go for it and still be happy. If the boss wanted to, heck......I'm for it. At least try it. **shrugs her shoulders** However, I much doubt the boss will ever even consider it. I've often wondered because of things he as said. Like, "Sometimes I wonder if you will just be satisfied with just me." I personally think we have a great sex life. I mean for folks our age......I think 3 to 4 times a week is pretty darn good! Especially if you ADD over 26 yrs being married with one person. I'm creative, I take the initiative and I ain't goin' without! Heh.

If he would "go for it", I'd be a willing partner. But, as it stands, I don't see it happening.

DEI37

The first time out was fun, really. We had talked about it, and she was nervous about it, and a little anxious. That is understandable. I was just happy to see what it was like to have sex with another woman. I was 24, my wife was 27. The couple we went to meet was late 40's. Off topic real quick, we have noticed that we are in the young end of things...I don't mind! We talked casual for an hour or so. Then he asked if we wanted to get in the hot tub. He gave the option of swim suits or not. We opted for not. Took about 20 minutes, and his wife and I headed back inside to "cool off," and my wife and he followed close behind.

We talked about it on the ride home that night, and decided to keep at it. We hit a bump in the road about four months later, lasted about six months. We got things all cleared up, and we are back at it having a good ol' fuckin' time!

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Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

Apache

[ Apache, maybe you and you husband could go to a party and just watch. See how you two feel, and then if you are ready, consider what is called "soft-swap" which is where the only swapping you do is together, in the same room, but only oral is allowed. .
[/QUOTE]

Well a couple that we met through a swinger site and the couple that I have become comfortable enough to be with when and if the time comes has invited us to come to their house to just watch. I could deal with that, and I have decided that I am comfortable with same room oral. Now I just have to get over other issues I'm dealing with. example, being so shy, having low self esteem about my body (even though the other man has seen me on web cam many times and in pictures and is still intrested, lol) The other couple has also suggested that for the first time there is no swapping involved at all, me and my hubby are together and they are, just to get me more comfortable with everything. That might work, but who knows with me. lol

SugahBritches

Deltona:

You say you have been doing this most of your life. Yet, you say you have been doing it most of your relationship with your wife. Uh, how was BEFORE your relationship with your wife????? Okay! But, I just got confused with those statements. Please explain.

Deltona Couple

OK. Here it goes, I'll try to keep it short. I am 38, and my wife is 28. We have only been together for 9 years. Off and on we have done things together, but nothing really "mainstream". Before we got together, I was in several relationships that were directly involved in swinging, i.e. hard core, every weekend, etc. Prior to that, and in between relationships, I was a frequent member of a then local swinghouse, where I felt priviledged to be the only single male that not only didn't have to pay a "donation", but was told that any time I wanted to come down, they would bump one of the single males that was on the reservation list, so that I could attend. (there was a limit of only 4 single males allowed in the house, for OBVIOUS reasons)
So for most all of my life I have been involved in the lifestyle for one reason or another. It is just that my wife is a little shy about it, and I love her more than I love the lifestyle, so it has taken a backburner, because even though I loved every second of it, I love my wife more. Let me know if I missed anything, or need to clarify anything else? I hope I gave enough information.

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"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Ustwo

Well

The rest is details

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Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Deltona Couple

Well I guess I should have been more specific huh? lol
Glad to see things went well tho!

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

SugahBritches

No, that cleared it up pretty much, thank you.

Gosh, you guys must work underground or something or either I'm too far up north and rural. I've never, and I'm older than you! LOL! But, I have never heard of this swinging business or one that is near here.

Oh (grinning at your signature), my mamma and daddy never warned me because I don't think they knew it either!

The boss talks big about having some "strange" but the man won't even sit long enough to look at porn or care to! But, now I'm getting off track and I don't want to do that.

Thank you for your enlightenment on this topic. But, since I kinda know about it from doing an interview on another couple of swingers, I've really no more questions to ask......................................at the moment.

Deltona Couple

Anytime Sugah...anytime. If you don't mind me asking, what part of Florida are you from? We live in Deltona, which is in the middle between Orlando and Daytona Beach, and let me tell you, this area is FULL of swingers. You just gotta know where to look. There is a coutry wide website that helps ALOT, without all the 3rd party advertizing. If anyone is interested, and it is allowed, I will post the link.

BTW Sugah, you say you are much older than me...Age is a number. Even when I was in my late teens(18-20) I enjoyed several encounters with ladies that were in their 50s. I don't base it on age, or looks....Mostly on personality and FUN!

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

SugahBritches

**tongue in cheek**

Well, Deltona.......I'm a little bit north of there. I live north of Gainesville. You know, the Home of the Mighty Gators. I know, I know, but college football is my best time of year.

Full of swingers, eh? I guess that is a bigger area.

So, they tell me Deltona. I mean about this "age" thingy. I guess it is me that has a hang up with it.

(I had a long post here and I deleted it---getting off topic and I should save that for another post/thread-----which I am SURE it's been hashed over before here. But, I'm too lazy to try and find it. THAT, and I truly stink at using the "search" option! LOL! )

Okay, so how do you know you find some couples with this..........."personality and fun" stuff? Do you email back and forth----talk on the phone----meet in person, to find out?

So, do you and your wife have a few of these couples you hang out with on a regular basis, or are you always trying to find new blood? Did that sound brash? I didn't mean it to be. I'm only curious.

For the record, and anyone that cares or is curious, I'm ONLY 46.

opus123

Some poly and swing people have a rule that their extra partners cannot be from the same city that they are in and that rule keeps your main primary relationship special. Other people also have rules that you won't use the same labels on all your partners. "Sweetie, honey, weasle, muffinbaby, etc...". Some people even have a rule against having extra partners even in the same state. Rhode Island and Connecticut are small states and to restrict things in a good way, that is the rule people can use. Another swing couple I know have a sci-fi convention rule, where they only swing with other sci-fi friends that they have met and so they only have sex outside their marriage once or twice a year. (^:

Jonathan

__________________
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ourselves. It is a civil war, and in all such
contentions, triumphs are defeats." Mr Colton
==================================

Ustwo

I think when you have a bunch of rules, odds are you are not really 'ready' for that kind of activity.

While I can understand people in sensative jobs afraid of being 'outed' and going out of state etc, if you need to do it with total strangers you will never see again for fear of it changing the feelings you have for your spouse, odds are you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

ratbastid

Agreed. Rules designed to "route around" discomfort do nothing but solidify the discomfort, and so weaken the relationship.

It's like, one day my refrigerator dies. One thing I can do is to deal with that; get it repaired, get it replaced, whatever. The other thing I can do is make a bunch of rules to compensate for my fridge being broken. That is, I can just decide I can't keep cold food in my house anymore. So any cold food has to be eaten immediately. No gallon jugs of milk--only buy one half-pint at a time. Kinda silly, hunh?

Deltona Couple

In all honesty, I think you are getting the wrong idea about rules and boundaries. They are not made to step around fears or insecurities. They are a baseline to help set an allowable standard. Just like your typical marriage has its "boundaries" in the social aspect, people who "swing" with other couples also set their own limits to what is acceptable. I wouldn't consider it insecurity if two people agree that say, they will only go only as far as soft-swapping with others, because that is their choice.
Its a conscious decision that is made between two couples.

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

ratbastid

Yeah, I can see that too. But in my experience there's a fine line between a comfort-level rule and an insecurity-coddling rule.

Deltona Couple

Thank you. My point was summed up right there. In all honesty, in MY experience, I have rarely ran into couples that have set boundaries because of insecurities or concerns. Not that it doesn't happen, I will admit, just that it isn't as common as some people believe. It's all personal preferences for each couple.

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Ustwo

Yes and no. Sure some may well be personal preferences but others just scream out insecurity, unwilling partner, etc. In OUR experiance we have seen this time and time again, couples will have a list of rules a mile long, you can touch here but not there and I can do this and she can do this, blah blah, and its almost always an unwilling partner being dragged along or just general insecurity. The swinging community isn't that large and these people rarely stick around long.

Some rules and boundaries are fine, but there are limits. If I get to later, I'll post a good, real example.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

ratbastid

Yeah, I'm not saying all rules are bad. But there's a way people sometimes use rules that doesn't lead anywhere productive.

Ustwo

Ah found it...

This was a want to be husband, unwilling wife, who have given up the LS. I wish I had their first list, but this was their last one before quitting, they modified it apparently after each encounter.

The big red flag is the 3/4th swap. Your wife can have sex with my husband but I won't have sex with you, nor will I let you touch me 'down there'. Sure these rules made them 'comfortable' or more precisely made the wife less uncomfortable with meeting couples, but they were still based on issues we would rather not be in the middle of. Drama bombs are bad

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

The_Jazz

Ustwo, when exactly did you meet Jack and Jerri Ryan and how long did you know them?

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"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Ustwo

He made the cardinal mistake of trying to save his marriage by doing something like this.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Deltona Couple

I am not sure where you get the idea that it isnt that large. I know of atleast a hundred websites in the US alone that have thousands of members. I know a VERY large number of them. Most of course dont want this thing toget out about them, which is understandable, not many couples are as open about it as others. I am not saying that everyone is secure, or that you wont find a large number of couples hopeing that swinging will bring their relationship back together....I have seen it as well. I just am saying that I know of many more couples that suceed, even with limitations put on what can be done. On of my best friends back in Texas that we didn't swing with, but were good friends with, they are a "soft-swap" couple. They have always been that way, and continue to be that way. It is what works for them. They just seek out other couples that are looking for the same thing. No, swinging isn't for everyone, but it does NOT mean that if you are swinging, but put limits on what can and can't be done, that your relationship is in trouble. That is just not true. As I said before...it HAS to be looked at on a couple by couple basis.

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SugahBritches

I checked about 3 times and my questions weren't answered, but maybe they actually were anyway.

Well, it just seems to me if you were to go with swinging, you would just go all the way. If not, it's like foreplayin' with a virgin that isn't going to give it up.

Deltona Couple

OK. let me know what I missed in your questions. maybe I wasn't reading them right. I hate leaving people wondering.

As far as how far people go, its a matter of personal preference. "Swinging" as a term used, does not specify that you are swapping full sex partners. It is a "tag" if you will, for people that allow people outside of the relationship to enter into a sexual encounter, without the emotional attachment that is involved in a relationship. some couples like the one that I knew in Texas, were only into soft-swapping, for those that don't understand what soft-swap is, it's where there is no intercourse involved, and typically is considered oral-sex only. This couple had a fetish where the woman was turned on by watching another woman perform on her husband orally, while she did the same to another man. They had no desire to go any furthur, not that it was a "limit" set where they agreed that nothing else was to happen, but simply a desire that went no further.

Think of this example in a BDSM environment:
Couple "A" likes to go all out, they enjoy the control issues, as well as whips, handcuffs, evil-sticks, leather goods, etc.
Couple "B" likes to spank each other, but not wanting to use whips and chains, etc...
This doesn't mean that Couple "B" is having issues with their relationship, and can't go all out, for fear of hurting their S.O. It simply means that that is what the two of them like to do, nothing furthur.

Does that help any?

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Ustwo

There are general rules and specific rules.

Soft swap is a general rule, and a common one. Its how most people start and some people are happy just with that for multiple reasons.

Rules about what you and your spouse can do which are in great detail or worse, different for both spouses (and almost always the wife is the one 'limited') are potential drama bombs and should be avoided.

As for the swing community being small, it is small at a local level. Its not like this is a union where having members across the country matter. Even in chicago the number of local swingers is limited. There may be 1000's on the websites but when the posers, fakes, no longer interested, just looking, etc are sifted out you will find the same core group of people. Then add the people you are interested in for whatever reason and its in fact a small group. This is something we have dabbled in for a number of years, and you see the same people.

Oddly the multi-rule people don't seem to last a year, or they really are not interested in swinging. I'd guess about 70% of the adds are posers, people wanting to wing but to afraid to meet, or people whos standards to not match their own looks. This is just an observation of mine and a few of our long term friends.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Deltona Couple

I guess we will have to agree that we disagree. I have been in the lifestyle for MANY years, and have run into a larger number of swingers I guess than you. I don't see as much of the problems that you have. Maybe it has to do with where I have been living, or something else, but where I have been, the swinging community is actually quite large in number, and have very few short term swingers where the female is the limited one. I actually find that in almost all the couples that we have met that have limitations, it is the MALE who tends to have the greater limits, yet still I see these same couples come back again and again and again to the weekly get-togethers, without incidents.

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"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

SugahBritches

No, that is a good example Deltona. Not that I know much about BDSM, but I am familiar with this techinque.

It seems that those that stay in the "program", if you will, is because they might be more active or those that are more active in swinging (and are comfortable with it) are going to reap the profits. Maybe there are more couples in Deltona's area that might be more acceptable or comfortable in swinging than in other cities. Who knows? But, it's like politics.......there are always going to be two sides that may disagree.

Not that I know anything, I don't. However, it's probably like any other preferences, no one person can guarentee their opinions are right..... IMO.

Deltona Couple

By no means should you say you don't know anything. Everyone in this world has the potential to learn new things. I always entertain new ideas and thought processes, even if they don't agree with mine, as in UsTwo. I respect everyones opinion. And yes, you are right, nobody can guarantee their opinions are right, that is why we call them opinions: A person's personal thoughts, not a case in facts. So there really is no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to opinions. As far as our location? I know of about 2 hundered couples in our town alone that are active in the swinging community. Not personally, but by proxy. is that large? maybe not, but this is a bit of a conservative town. Maybe my idea of what a large number of swingers is is different, who knows? I just know that I can find just as many people that are swingers around this area as their are gay and lesbian couples, and I keep hearing how large the gay/lesbian groups are in our community, so i figure the swingers are a large group as well.

It is true that some couples come into our circle so-to-speak looking for a solution to an existing problem, and they will eventually fail. Maybe nottoday, tomorrow, or next week, but yes, they will fail. But I feel like it is being said here that the majority of swingers are like that, and it just ain't so. I would put the percentage at less than 5% in my life experience. Maybe I hang out with a different group of swingers?...lol.

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

SugahBritches

I find that anything that goes against the grain of what some folks perceive as "traditional", you might not have many that will raise their hands and be seen.......so's to speak.

Fearknot

Okay, I'm new to the site as of today, and I realize this thread went comatose a few months back, but question for those that have partaken in both the BDSM world [at any level] and the swinging world. Which came first for you?

For us it was the BDSM world. And as we grew into our personas, and the trust level in the relationship grew exponentially, we were able to take the physical nature of our relationship 'outside.' We rarely partook in the BDSM activities outside, but often I would 'push the edge of the envelope' with my sub, and she responded confidently, practically glowing in her new explorations.

Would love to hear your experiences!

BlackIce

wow I completely forgot about this topic. Well my gf and I really want to find another female for a threesome* believe it or not, more so her than me* How in the world did you find another person/couple to get involved at all.

CaliLivChick

BDSM came first for me, but that may just have been because that's what presented itself first. The same person that introduced me to BDSM took me to my first orgy, so I've been pretty open sexually since I was 16.

BlackIce, there are three sites that I've found (although there are MANY more out there). LoveVooDoo, Playful Swingers, and Swing LifeStyle (or SLS) are good sites. I've met the most people on SLS. When my bf and I were together, we were looking for a single female, and couldn't find one in our area, so when we broke up, I decided to become the single bi-female. Sometimes, you just luck out and find people. I've been with at least 15 couples in the last 3-4 months, and most of those I've been with more than once, just because we have a good time together.

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Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

foolfoolz

to the original poster, i think i love my girlfriend way too much to want anyone else touching her.