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I think when you have a bunch of rules, odds are you are not really 'ready' for that kind of activity.
While I can understand people in sensative jobs afraid of being 'outed' and going out of state etc, if you need to do it with total strangers you will never see again for fear of it changing the feelings you have for your spouse, odds are you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
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Agreed. Rules designed to "route around" discomfort do nothing but solidify the discomfort, and so weaken the relationship.
It's like, one day my refrigerator dies. One thing I can do is to deal with that; get it repaired, get it replaced, whatever. The other thing I can do is make a bunch of rules to compensate for my fridge being broken. That is, I can just decide I can't keep cold food in my house anymore. So any cold food has to be eaten immediately. No gallon jugs of milk--only buy one half-pint at a time. Kinda silly, hunh?
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In all honesty, I think you are getting the wrong idea about rules and boundaries. They are not made to step around fears or insecurities. They are a baseline to help set an allowable standard. Just like your typical marriage has its "boundaries" in the social aspect, people who "swing" with other couples also set their own limits to what is acceptable. I wouldn't consider it insecurity if two people agree that say, they will only go only as far as soft-swapping with others, because that is their choice.
Its a conscious decision that is made between two couples.