dalnet22

Hey, this is a long story, and the reasons are complex and mysterious. However, wherever I go, I am constantly worrying about what others think. Part of it is because I recently changed my beliefs and way of thinking for the better. I used to be a very angry, prejudice kid, but I broke out of that last year. I am almost 21, and I don't have many friends anymore because the old ones dislike the new me.

So now, I'm a junior in college with few friends across the country. I feel like wherever I go, I'm scared that everyone is judging me, and if I don't like perfect or say things right, they're going to dislike me. But, it goes as far as worrying about the cashier at a store, or the neighbors driving by while I'm running outside. it really affects how I act in public.

This is a loaded subject that requires a lot of explanation and discussion. So, I'm just wondering if anyone else has this problem, and how do you get through it. Or, does anyone have any advice (outside of joining a club because I am in a few already).

Part of the problem is I don't know a single person who believes the things I do, and I've experienced many people cutting me off because of who I am. So, I'm scared it will happen with everyone... that I will say what I think in a class, and someone will call me out for it; and then I will react badly and regret it.

mixedmedia

I used to be this way when I was younger. And I still feel somewhat "different" from everyone else. I've rarely felt like I truly fit into the various groupings of people I've shuffled in and out of throughout my lifetime (ie, work environments and other social groups). I've always been a little off, out of step, the oddball, the weirdo. With the exception of my family who've always accepted and respected who I am. As a result, I've always been somewhat of a loner with very few close friends.

I can't really explain what happens, but eventually you just come into your own and it doesn't matter so much what other people think. If you feel strongly that you have had a personal renaissance that has brought your head and heart into a better place, then stick by it. Reflect on it. Learn more about it. And learn to love yourself for growing and wanting to be a better person.

Now, from your explanation, I would say that you are experiencing an abnormal amount of anxiety related to the stress of having these new feelings and realizations. RELATED TO - not caused by. I'm not one to advise people to run off and see a doctor about these things, but that is an option for you. Or, you could try to take up meditation or yoga or some other stress-relieving activity that also gives you an opportunity to examine your own self and put things back into perspective.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

dalnet22

Thanks. I feel much more anxiety when I try to look like my new self. It's like I'm scared to act like the new person because it's unfamiliar, and I'm worried someone will call me out on it.

I do go to group therapy, and that helps to some extent.

shesus

I think that you are going through a growing pain. You are 21 and that is a huge transition in life. You are grown up, but still maybe relying on people because of college and such. You are becoming more of an adult and the resistance against family and childhood friends wanting you to stay the same is tough.

It is tough to make new friends once outside the high school world. Many people float around feeling isolated like they don't fit in or relate to others. I have felt this way most of my life. Then I find people who I think I can relate to and another change takes place and I'm back at square 1. For the first time since college, I can say that I have friends who relate to me and I can trust. But this is after over 6 years of having only aquaintances.

However, I think huge thing for me was that I finally accepted myself. How could I expect anyone else to be friends with me if I didn't know myself? I feel bad for people who tried to be my friends during my exploration years. I was a mess and floating from belief to belief trying to find myself. Once I was stable and knew exactly who I was, then others were comfortable around me and friendships were born

You can get on medication for anxiety, but that starts all new problems. I would try to deal with it sans meds first.

I wish you luck!

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

dalnet22

Yeah, I definitely need to solidify my beliefs and appreciation for self. A half hour ago, I struggled to get myself out of the house to run errands because I was worried my hair looked weird. When I am comfortable with myself, I am more confident than when I am not.

I mean, if I don't look the way I want to look, how can I walk around confidently? Should I train myself to not care about my looks, or should I try and look the way I want? I almost feel like I can't approach someone happily or confidently if I know I don't look the way I want.

But, then I see a friend from across the country who can walk around with beat up clothes and hair like one of those cavemen on the Geico commercials. Seriously, he looks just like them, yet he is fine with himself. It bothers me that he can live normally looking like that, and I can't live normally looking even half that odd.

shesus

Yea, I would say you need to calm down a bit...and invest in a hat.

But seriously, people don't notice all that you think they do. I used to have to have everything perfect before I left the house. What a waste of energy that was. The other day, I went out without brushing my hair and with no make-up. No one even noticed...in fact one of my friends asked what I do to make my hair look so good.

You need to realize that what might look huge to you is small to others. Think about teenage years and pimples. My step-daughter thinks that her pimples are the size of quarters and she walks around with her hand covering it. We notice her hand, but not the pimple. The pimple is nearly non-existant.

I'm not sure if you are a victim of the media, but those people aren't real. You can never be them no matter how much you try unless you invent an air-brush for real people. Or maybe you're comparing yourself to others on the street. I guarantee you they don't think they look as great as you think they do. The only difference is that they don't really care so they look that much better.

So stop stressing, relax, and embrace yourself. Beauty comes from the inside and from the confidence you exude.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

Manorfire

There's an irony here: you've turned your back on your prejudiced ways, but now you worry about others prejudging you! You feel a 'better' person, and so you should, but you need to give credit to other people too. Sure, some people are very superficial, but many more won't simply dismiss you over such trivial things. If they do, that's shallow and unjust of them and they are not worth the worry. They are more examples of what you left behind. Still, be careful you aren't actually misunderstanding them and give them a decent chance - they might simply be having a 'bad' day.

Instead, try to have faith that most people will not be viewing you so quickly and passively or it could become your greatest barrier. Be your accepting, non-judgemental, unperfect self and RELAX - you are bound to attract the attention of like-minded individuals.

If you can be bold and share your feelings with a few, that's even better. You will not be alone in your developing - many others will be 'blossoming' in their own way. You will discover a better level of confidence as you grow, but don't preoccupy yourself with feeling different to everybody else. This diversity makes the world go around. If you're becoming a truly respecting and tolerant person yourself, then it won't matter to you if your friends sometimes feel differently.

analog

It's good that you've seen that it's bad, but you can't always just switch something like that off like a light.

You worry about what others think about you because you were always the one to be thinking things about them. Now that you've gotten rid of the bad ways, you're feeling the fear of exactly what you used to be guilty of- judging. I think that with time, and with the more you settle into the new "you", you'll have no trouble building up a network of friends again and you'll realize that, yes, people judge other people- but that doesn't mean any of us should care, or that we have any control over it.

We all judge, in some form or another. The thing you have to find peace with is that, much like the way you used to judge others, other people's judgments on you are as pointless as they are superficial. Keep your self-confidence in check, and make sure you don't ever lay down on your opinions just to satisfy someone else- so when those old friends give you shit because you're not an angry bigot anymore, tell them where to shove it and stand your ground. Insight does not always come easy- and doing a 180 turnabout like you are pretty much never comes easy.

dalnet22

Thanks, people. Today was a nightmare for me - lately I've been so worried about how my hair looks. The first 19 years of my life I never cared. Then, as soon as people pointed it out, I became acutely aware of it.

That, and I really struggle in situations where people are looking at me. I'm afraid of looking nice because I'm worried I'll do something wrong, and those people who're looking will be like "damn, he's not as good as he could have been." I can't laugh at myself because I'm so worried about looking the way I want. I find it so hard to accept less than what I want. It's like I'm giving in when I could put a little more effort in to look ok.

But, when I'm out with people I feel comfortable with, I can laugh and not worry if I don't look perfect. I'm just extremely insecure because I have nobody on my side.

Also... if I had a girlfriend who appreciated me the way I am, I wouldn't care at all how I looked. In fact, I would be secure in all facets. That's really the big concern, I think. I'm so worried I won't find a girl who likes me unless I look the way I want. If I'm walking around looking like a joke, why would any girl (that is my type) be attracted to me?

shesus

Whoa! Stop right there.

Ok, you cannot put that pressure on someone else. There is no one out there that is responsible for you. A good relationship is focused on enhancing each other's lives and enjoying each other's company. Not putting the pressure on someone to fix your problems. That spells disaster in a relationship. Resentment and dependency will build and is that something you really want?

Second, if you are walking around like the way your posts make you sound, you probably won't find a girl. I'm saying this to be completely honest. I may be wrong, but this is my intuitive guess. You probably walk around hunched, don't make eye contact, and are unsure of yourself when you speak which could come off as speaking too quietly, stuttering, or cutting off words. I was that way until about my 2nd year of college. After I became a bit more sure of myself I started being more aware of how I was presenting myself and the change in attention was amazing. I am not talking about physical appearance. People are not always aware of the signals they are sending out with their mannerisms. You could have a perfect physical appearance, but your mannerism will negate them everytime if they lack confidence. This also goes the other way. Which is why you will see girls with the Goth/heroin look with nasty unwashed hair and guys with the tousled/rumpled look seeming so incredibly sexy. You put someone in that look that has unsure mannerisms and blech.

Insecurity is a huge turn-off. I feel like a broken record, but you have to become more secure in yourself and get some confidence or you will be miserable for a long time.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

dalnet22

Thanks. I am aware of what dependency does to a relationship, but I was just saying that if I had a solid girlfriend, I wouldn't be scared to walk around or to be perfect. Is it so bad to want someone else in the world to accept you for what you think? You make it seem like you must never put dependence on other people in any shape or form.

Unfortunately, school starts on Monday, so I will either have to pretend I'm secure or accept that I am not. I hate pretending to everybody, but I guess I have no choice.

shesus

I'm not saying you can't depend on people. I depend on a lot of people in my life to bounce ideas off of and listen. However, I also know that I can make it on my own and that is am important thing. If you can't make it on your own it puts too much pressure on the other person. I had to learn this the hard way by losing a few friends in the past because I depended on them too much. Then I was alone and back to square one. I vowed that that would never happen again.

If I lost everyone in my life, I would be extremely sad, but I would still be able to function and support myself. I would not lose any confidence or think of myself poorly because I was alone.

Pretending is not a good thing and it will break you down quicker than anything. You should not have to pretend you are something that you are not. While you are getting used to your new believes, you may feel like you are in an unfamiliar area and are pretending. However, if it is truly what you believe then it should be temporary.

It seems that you are putting a huge emphasis on your hair which puzzles me. Are you concerned about your hair or do you think that your thoughts are 'wrong' or in the minority? You've never really said what your thoughts and beliefs are except that it has something to do with prejudices. Were they racial, socio-economic, gender? Just seems odd that you are having such a hard time. As for your hair, what is wrong with it and is it fixable with a haircut or styling gel? There are always solutions, you just need to find them.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

dalnet22

One of my issues is that I'm too independent. I don't like others helping me because I don't want the responsibility of owing them something in return. Part of that is my upbringing - whenever I received something, my father would get very upset because he would think about how spoiled I am and how I have no respect. In fact, most of my problems derive from my dad.

On the other note, the hair thing is part of me trying to look a certain way. I don't like paying for haircuts or styling gel because I am very cheap. So, I try to do it myself, but when it doesn't look right, I get nervous. The anxiety comes, again, from being afraid I don't look ok. I'm worried someone won't take me seriously if my hair looks like someone with no experience in haircutting (me) did it. I just paid for a haircut, which is way too expensive, but whatever. It upsets me because if I had a large group of friends, I wouldn't care how my hair looks. But, because I'm trying to impress others nonstop, I have to look perfect. I'm too scared someone will say "dude you look stupid," and I will agree because I don't like how I look.

I'm so nervous all the time, and I know it's my fault. I'm paying the price for being a mean, prejudiced kid for 19 years. Sometimes I wonder if I I'll ever dig out of the whole I've dug. And by the time I have, my dreams will have past me by, and I will die.

Sometimes I say to myself, "Just do what you want and be happy with yourself." But then I worry that I will regret what I did, later. I'm worried at the end of the day I'll be like "oh my god I made myself look like a fool. Those people probably think I'm an idiot." Or, I'm worried I will "be myself" and say something I will regret. I constantly say things that upset other people, and I'm scared I will do it to someone important, like say a boss or potential friend / girlfriend. Then, I'll be left with nothing but more people who think I'm an asshole.

mixedmedia

One thing I remember from being young, which I'm assuming you are, I was always under the assumption that what was going on in my head was sooooo important and that other people were thinking the same things and seeing the same things and living an existence largely identical to mine except through different eyeballs. I thought everyone noticed me and formed an opinion about me (probably negative). I was too naive and self-conscious and inexperienced to think otherwise. But the truth is - most people aren't paying particular attention to you, nobody else really cares about how uncomfortable you are, they don't care if you used to be an asshole and now you're not, they don't care how your hair looks, they don't notice all of these myriad little details that are causing you to cart around all these anxieties with you everywhere you go. Even if someone says something in passing that offends your sensitivity, they're not thinking about that remark even 5 minutes later and they probably have no idea how much what they said affected you.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you've got way too much invested in an inflated SENSE OF SELF. YOU are consuming YOUR thoughts. It would benefit you greatly to pursue things that might take your mind off of this stuff for a while. And, quite frankly, I don't think you're in any position to start looking for a girlfriend. Like shesus said (who has given you very good advice) you need to work on your self-confidence and comfort level. You need to rid yourself of this SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS before you can be a truly present and confident enough person to fulfill someone else's needs.

The more I read, the more alarmed I am at your situation. You need to chill out, baby.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

dalnet22

Thanks. I'm a very intelligent person, such that I know that people usually don't notice the things I think they notice. I'm fully aware of when I'm assuming something that doesn't make sense, so that is not my problem.

The main problem is that I don't feel like I have any immediate support in my life. All my old friends either dislike me, or we have nothing in common anymore. I have to keep my mouth shut around my parents, or they will kick me out of the house. I have a very eccentric way of thinking out and doing things. My parents, who have never had a social life throughout my lifetime, let me sit in my room half my life playing by myself. We lived far away from school, so it wasn't easy to hang out with anyone much. My parents also have nothing in common with each other (I was a "surprise"). So, I had to deal with my dad angry all the time and my mom telling me how she wishes she never met my dad. Which, in turn, made me feel like a mistake. I was suicidal growing up, and I attached myself to girls who were nice to me. I had no reason to really get up every morning except to keep my parents happy.

As I went into college, I still shared these feelings. The only reason I attended college is because everyone else did - I didn't have dreams or goals. My athletic goals ended with high school, and the only thing I enjoyed doing was vandalizing my best friend's house, among others'. So, I was a very screwed up kid. Not to mention, my first girlfriend, who I met the 1st week of college, made me buy certain clothes, act a certain way, and she would make fun of my friends. She was a very mean, troubled person herself, so imagine my first girlfriend telling me if I didn't dress a certain way, she would not like me. This continued on with the friends I made in college. They would knock me constantly for doing things differently, and ultimately, they befriended me because of who I was. This sparked the change in me to be a different person.

It's hard to explain why I am so insecure through this truncated explanation. However, the problem is not that I am in the dark on reality. The problem is I'm scared of my current reality - nobody appreciates me for who I am. When I do what I want, people react negatively, and I have to deal with the pain. The ultimate fear is that I will not find somebody who will help me go where I want to go. There are things that I want to accomplish, and I can't do all of it by myself my entire life.

I've been very good at fending for myself the past year and a half with absolutely 0 support. Hearing my mom say she hates her life, how she wishes she never met my dad, and how I've never been fair to her my entire life does not help either. I have so much fear and prejudice ingrained in me that I turn down a lot of peoples' invitations to hang out. But, why would I want to hang out with people who don't have the same interests as I do? It's just hard - I could decide to simply not care what anybody thinks, but it's hard.

Even if I did see a girl in class, I see no reason to say anything to her. Why would a girl want to be friends with someone who has no friends? Forget being in a relationship with me, I see no reason why they would like me. The reality of today's 20 somethings is it doesn't matter how nice I am, if I don't provide opportunities or resources, girls will flock to the ones who do. No matter how much a tool bag the other guys are. You could say I'm over generalizing, and I know I am. But, it's hard for me to break out of the reality that most single girls are like this... at least where I go to school.

mixedmedia

I did not mean to imply that you are not intelligent. So you can just toss that one out right now. What I am talking about has nothing to do with intelligence - it is about ego. Not to be confused with conceit or arrogance. More an irrational preoccupation with yourself - even if it's not in a self-admiring way.

But maybe I'm getting in a little over my head here. I certainly don't want to launch into a parade of my own philosophical gobbledy-gook when I don't even really know you enough to fully understand your problem. My influences are many, but what changed my head and opened up the world to a more peaceful, confident existence for me personally is reading about Buddhism. I've never committed to a Buddhist practice and I don't call myself a Buddhist (so I am not trying to "convert" you, lol), but from reading the things you are writing about here, I can say that acquiring even a little bit of a Buddhist perspective on your situation would benefit you. Thus is why I suggested meditation in my first post.

I sympathize with your situation and the difficulties you have experienced. But it certainly isn't the worst growing up story I've ever heard and it will be far from impossible for you to overcome. You may have to relegate yourself to the possibility that no one will come along to support you when you need it most. Life is just like that sometimes. Which means you will have to gather the strength to get through it on your own. And I can tell you from experience, there are no more satisfying and life-affirming experiences than meeting what seem to be insurmountable challenges on your own and finding to your surprise that you really can meet them and succeed. If you are unhappy with the circumstances of your life, then make strides to change them. GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS if you can at all manage it. (I'm not saying you should abandon them, they obviously could your love and support, but you would probably be of more help to them when you're not actually having to live with them.) Take up reading. Exercise. Volunteer. Find an outlet for some sort of creative expression. Find things that you can do to better yourself without the companionship of others. Another thing that I have found to be true about life, and this is a shred of a Buddhist concept as well, is that soon after I give up yearning, searching, wanting, needing something...it walks into my life unbidden.

I tend to go on and on, so forgive me, it's late and I can't tell if I'm making any sense. I don't expect anything I say to make any real difference. Heck, I don't even know if I'm addressing any of your concerns. I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is relax, be true to yourself (even if your self is "weird"), be good to others (very important!) and the life you want will come to you eventually. Just be patient with yourself and with the world. Or something like that.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

dalnet22

Thank you, I understood all of it. I also have considered reading up on Buddhism, so it's funny you mention that.

A big problem I have is focusing on negatives. For example, I used to wear this jean jacket, and I was really happy. Girls would comment on it, and I enjoyed it. Then, my friends all made fun of me constantly to the point where I stopped liking it. Whenever I put it on, I felt the concern that other people think I look stupid. So, ignoring all those positive comments from girls, I stopped wearing it. So, one of my problems is focusing on negatives.

Another problem is I went into high school and college very excited to meet new people and get involved, but it was for the wrong reason. It wasn't that I was self confident, it was due to me being very nieve. I did not thinking people could dislike me for what I wore... that was so foreign. Once I knew, I was afraid. What I need to do is build up the strength to tolerate the words of others and deal with it. These are the moments where immense rage hits me, and I say things and act in ways I regret. So, I am afraid of confrontation or conflict because of how I usually react. I guess that takes practice, but I dunno.

Anyways, on Monday, I'll take your guys' word and not worry about other people. If anything bad happens, I'll let you know. Thanks.

bobdave

In my experience when a person makes remarks about your appearance (clothing, hair, ect) it shows that they may be feeling as uncomfortable as you are. Appearance is the first thing people notice so any comments about a jean jacket or an unkempt head of hair shouldn't be taken too seriously. It's probably just a weak attempt at some small talk.

This is all coming from someone with little or no sense of style btw... so feel free to disregard this.

Im going back to school soon myself, so a haircut may be in order. I wonder where i left my weedwhacker.

shesus

Mixedmedia has given you some great ideas. I second the Buddhist reading. Thacht Nhat Hanh is a great author. When I first started reading him I started with Peace is in Every Step. I made fun of this book with every page turn. But in the end, I appreciated it and it helped me put things in perspective and live a happier life. I used it to get out of my depression, but I'm sure it would help with other things.

Another things, I feel like I'm attacking you, but I feel that maybe that might help and if not tell me to shut up, it won't hurt my feelings any.
I read your life background and it's very similar to mine. Except, I never felt like I was mistake. I was an only child and spent a lot of time alone because both of my parents worked long hours. I dated a guy who mentally abused me by constantly telling me I was lucky to have him because I was so ugly no one else ever would and other crazy things just to keep me. I was never very social and thought very lowly of myself because of these things. But...

You have to get to a point where you dismiss all the people that treated you like shit in the past. You have to realize that you are using them as excuses to feel the way you do. Everyone blames people for their problems...parents are the main targets. However, once you reach a certain point you have to take responsibility for yourself. You made the choices to act the way you are acting.

Everyone does bad things. That was in the past and you are in the present working towards the future. Do you want to continue carrying all that baggage? I left my best friend stranded on a street corner after blowing smoke in her face because she said something about my smoking so I kicked her out of my car. That is just an example of things in my past. Everyone does mean things in their teen years I think, even if it was unintentional. But you need to forgive yourself and forgive others for their stupidity.

Good luck tomorrow back at college. Just remember you have the power to be whoever you want. You made the choice to be hard on youself, you can make the choice not to be. It'll take time...you won't wake up in the morning and be in love with yourself. You've taken the first step by admitting that you are unhappy with the way your life is going. Now you need to take steps to fix it, whether it be taking our 2 cents or seeking counseling through a professional.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

glooper23

Yeah, at school now, and I have a problem. Whenever I'm walking down the dorm hall, I'm nervous I will bump into somebody or pass someone, and I won't know how to respond. I mean, I feel like saying hi to everybody... I don't know, I feel weird just not saying anything.

Ahhhh, why does this bother me so much. Maybe I should just say hi and get over it?

ratbastid

I'm not a medical professional, but... Read the following and see if it isn't a freaking bulls-eye.

Please go to http://www.socialphobia.org .

This is a medical condition you're dealing with here--the third largest psychological problem in the world today, according to this article, and there are proven treatments for it.

I'm pretty sure lurkette wouldn't mind my sharing this, because in the end it's a total triumph for her. When we bought our first house, lurkette couldn't walk across the living room with the front curtains open. She was terrified that the people in the apartments across the street would see her and hate her. She literally crawled across the living room floor.

She did about a year of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, combined with some other therapies, and she now has her fear of social situations completely conquered. She's totally the life of parties now, has no problem at all introducing herself to new people. Her life is totally turned around.

Please look into this. Your school might have resources you can use. This is nothing to be ashamed of; it's a medical condition. Getting treatment for this is like getting penicillin if you had strep throat.

glooper23

Thanks for the information, ratbastid. I woke up this morning around 3:00 AM because I couldn't stop thinking about that. It bothers me that it could be a medical condition because I know the causes. I know what causes me to be so afraid, so it's a matter of me stopping those.

One thing that I've been thinking about, over the past hour, is that I take myself way too seriously. When I used to have decent friends in middle school, I was a very happy go-lucky kid. Then, as the tension in my house got worse, I became very angry and sad. Those feelings were then quelled through needing to feel accepted at school. That feeling of being accepted came via the girl I fixated on and athletics. Whenever someone put me down in high school, I took it very seriously.

So, I think what I need to do is not take a lot of things so seriously.

Ourcrazymodern?

What is social anxiety?
redlemon speaks the truth.
Schmeriously.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Seer666

I'll admit I have a bit of hard time relating. When I was young, I was the guy always trying to fit in, and never quite managing it. Then around 12, I had an epiphany. Why do I want these people to like me? I hate them. Ever sense then, I've been doing my own thing, and I really don't give a good God damn what people think of me, other then my close friends. What they think matters greatly. All I can say is, being able to evaluate yourself, and then deciding to change the things that you don't like takes a great deal of inner strength. Most people are to afraid to look at themselves honestly to make a change. Before you go worrying about what other people think, remember that little fact, and remember that that alone probably makes you a better person then 99% of them.
If I may be so bold, I think the problem lies not with what other people see. It's that you took a good hard look at yourself, and found things you didn't like. Now, they are all that you see, and because of that, you are afraid that other people see them to. Simple truth is though, by acknowledging they are there and taking steps to fix them, you are a better person then you last saw. Keep that in mind, and keep striving to better yourself. That is really all you can do in life, and the best thing anyone can over hope to do. Kudos for trying to become a better man. I wish more people would follow your example.

__________________
Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

Ourcrazymodern?

Dalnet! Stop obsessing! Everything the ladies said was sensible;
take it, be it, do it. Worrying about (whatever) produces nothing if not more worry: Emote all you want in a safe place like this...

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

glooper23

Thanks, people. Earlier this week I was doing a very good job of staying positive - for the first time in years I was relaxed.

But, as the days pass with nobody to talk to but myself, suicide becomes the most immediate option. I will probably not do it - I will continue to get straight A's and graduate college as scheduled. Once I'm out, then I will get a job and wait for my parents to die so I can kill myself without guilt.

Chimera

Worry serves no purpose after a few minutes. The initial act of worry MUST lead to solution, or it becomes a counter-productive personality flaw. If indeed you find yourself Suicidal, there is no one to blame but yourself, as only you are capable of changing the mindset....and YES, you are fully capable of doing so.
Every single individual on this planet goes through periods of what is now called "depression", just as we all get euphoria occasionally. The secret is simply to accept reality, and make your own situation better mentally, rather than dwell in self pity. Five years from now, you will not be the same person you are right now. One year from now you will also, be someone different, in a new mindset, struggling through a new set of circumstance. Welcome to the Real World Neo....No One deserves an easy life, unless they decide to make it one.

The above is opinion, and experice talking. The poster is not a professional therapist or liscenced Psyciatrist.

Ourcrazymodern?

Suicide ends things,
when they might continue, right?
What else will you have?

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

hrandani

I laughed at this with the deliciously bitter black humor attainable only by someone who's been in your position before. However I'm not preaching, I'm just a broken survivor coping and trying to tell you how I have made it this far. Look at the other side of the coin - if you're about to kill yourself, why be so uptight about everything. Stop caring about what other people think, and do shit you think you might enjoy. Sit down and think about all the stuff you ever wanted to do when you were little, and start pursuing it. Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it isn't. Most importantly, weigh the consequences, plan things deliberately, and force yourself out of a rut of self pity.

I'd advise you to start talking to people - total strangers. Don't try to do this in an area where people would feel threatened, and also don't overdo it and spill out your life story to some poor fucker you cornered on the subway, but just gut up and talk casually to someone who's in a like environment. Most importantly, listen. Churches and AA groups are best for this.

Therapy and medication don't work. People will pull you into depression, and people will pull you out. Humans are social animals. Odi et amo.

Seznec

I lived trough the same. My mother was never there and my father lived somewhere else, but mentally abused me. I never learnt to be social from my family and we didn't have any friends and family.

YOU where an angry guy! I was too
YOU saw its better not be! Me too
NOW YOU have to find the middle of both! I did

At that point where you ware I was totally fu up and always asking myself why people don't like me and why they will not even start a conversation with me. I was really scared and insecure. I thought my look would make me so infamous so I lost 57.2 (lbs) 28kg) and nearly killed myself by doing it so FAST. Did it help? Not really, because it wasn’t a problem.

So one time I was so angry with that guy that mobbed me now over years in school that I really hit him really hard and he went down in front of the whole school. Long story short - I lost the fight and was nearly blue everywhere, but that doesn't matter. It was a sacrifice I had to do for the better cause. You will not get fame, respect, or how you call it if you don't sacrifice anything. Through that I had achieved something - respect. After that people said it was good hat I had stood my ground and that I finally cared about my life.

YOU have to change your attitude to be happy

I nearly thanked that guy for pushing me so hard that I began to care about myself and defended myself

Most people don't relies that you have to be guided how to be social, strong, ignorant, but still be open minded. Yes, you need from everything the optimum. Like you need food and water. You can't live with only water you also need food. You get what I am saying?

Neither my mother nor my father where social. They live now over 20 years in the same city and barley know people and you need to know people to get friends. That’s the way it runs. If nobody tells you how to handle complete strangers than how do you want to get mates and in the long term find friends with your interests?

Anyway what does it tell yourself if you can't even talk properly with strangers? You can't talk to strangers. How do you want to talk to friends, if you can’t talk to complete strangers?
How confident does that make you? If the cashier in a shop totally blows you away by saying something and they other costumer look at you weird than does that make you a good feeling? No? Than stand your ground and make a counter. Say anything just don't crush him totally. Just give him a notice that he isn't to judge you. Remember? Water - Food? Be protective, but be kind

I found out that the most things you think are totally not interesting for others people. Like the most common thing people don't understand in Europe is if someone asks "How are you?" than they actually don't ask. That’s for an American normal, but in Europe there are still people that answer honestly and telling people there problems although they are totally not interested in it. So how do you want to find mates if the first 10 words go totally wrong

Imagine you are hanging out with some people from your class room at lunch. Now normally people joke around make and say stupid stuff. You have to keep in mind for someone that never "learnt" this he will make many mistakes, because he doesn't know how to handle it.

As an intelligent human you would think what a load of crap they are saying/doing and that they are dumb. FALSE - That are kids/youngster, they say/do crap. "Do the role play" with them and you will see its fun. BUT, there is always a BUT.

Ill tell you something, how you look doesn't interest anyone, as long as you don't look or smell like a dustbin. It’s what your MENTAL impression you give the people. They will not respect you if you are curled up and insecure and no offense this is different if you are male or female. I am talking about male now. You always have to stand your ground. Most times they test you in the first few minute like saying like:
,,Why the hell don't you smoke, that’s uncool."
Most times these kind of people will say these things in front of some people to dismantle you properly, test you if you are weak and to make himself more confident.

My reaction would have been before more defense and I would have said quietly:
,, So, is that a problem?"

That’s totally wrong. You have to step forward and say in a louder tone:
,,So what? You have a fu problem with that!"

AT this moment you stood your ground and this person knows now you are no easy target and will probably talk to you normally if you don't mess it up after.
REMEMBER it doesn't matter if you could take that guy down. Just the gesture that he will have to battle you will probably turn him of and he will walk to someone else, which isn't your problem for the moment.
ALSO REMEMBER, don't crush him totally, don't be totally mean or it will BACKFIRE!

So the people know you are a normal human and they start to talking to you, you shouldn't mess it up by saying something stupid. You do that by being smart and using your brain. You have to go on the same, probably lower, level. We called that in school "not to disqualify yourself".

If you are with a group of people you barley know and you just hang out with them, because you have to (most likely in school), than don't say anything stupid. Like if they start asking each other what your favorite TV show and everyone says Star Trek and you say something else whats totally girlish like than you just disqualified yourself. In these situations you have to go mainstream. If someone tells a joke and everyone laughs than just laugh too. But don't try telling a joke if you are not 101% sure that the joke will NOT fail. You would make a fool out of yourself.

I know many people say don't be mainstream and use your brain, but it’s not SOCIAL you can use your brain and also go with the stream. I always had an other opinion and told everyone about them. But your opinion doesn't always fit in. You have to make the people feel that you have something in common with you.

I didn't know this what I just wrote just now and NO ONE every told me. I than started thinking why they don't like me.

People don't like other people that don't fit in. You have to fit in to feel good and if you feel good u will find mates and with them you will find friends with your interests

It took me over 3 hours to write this text, because I don't want you to give up your personality, but the hard fact of life is it doesn't count always

Oh and by the way, we will see if my image of life is correct. There will be probably people now writing that my opinion is totally wrong. I will counter and write back defending my opinion, with an open mind. My opinion could be false, but I am pretty sure at the moment that my "opinion" is quit good and I will try doing my best to defend my opinion although this is easier, because they actually can't see my Hair. You know what I mean?

Ourcrazymodern?

Seznec, that was amazingly hard to follow.
I hope that Dalnet not being around for awhile just means he's busy adjusting?

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Seznec

I know. The problem is that this "problem" is huge. I read books with hundreds of pages and documentries over duzend of hours. It is really hard to really understand this. Alltough the problem is so simple.

I have to admit I could of written it better, but I tend to get carried away and after rewriting everything it took 4 hours. The first version was even for me horrible. I am really not a good writer and english is unfortunately not my first language.

glooper23

It's alright, I understood most of your post. Thanks.

My biggest problem is I'm too afraid of everyone. Also, my voice breaks extremely easy for some reason, so that makes me feel like a fool. It makes it hard for me to say something off the top of my head to someone because I'm worried it will come out funny. If my voice worked better, I wouldn't be so scared. That, and I'm always worried I'm going to say something that annoys people. I have a tendency to say odd things, and friends who are now gone have bashed me in the past. So, I'm just scared everywhere I go. I'm scared to be myself because I don't like the person I am. It's very complicated, but when I am proud of myself, I can stand in front of anybody and be myself.

It's such a scary thought to be my self because I do things very strangely. I'm scared of what could happen.

Halx

I'm in the same boat, though its something I've been working on for years. It still affects me greatly to point where I just dont try some things. However, I've stuck myself in a place where you basicly have to speak up or you'll be ignored; New York City. Its been a crash course of social anxiety guerilla therapy, and many times it seems to be getting the better of me. Still, I set up social meetings and I seek out situations where I have the confidence of the people I am with and its helped me progress. I'd say I'm about 20% better than I was before.

That may not sound like a lot, but I have a goal... a very lofty goal... and 20% is a lot comparatively.

I said the same to myself.. about how a girlfriend would give me all the confidence in the world. Well, I'm engaged and it only helps a little. Really, the only thing that helps me is my own image of myself. When I know I look good, in and out of my clothes, I can get a lot accomplished that I previously have had trouble with. I know it sounds a little shallow, but so is our concern.

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glooper23

Well today has been very bad. Group therapy is only really helping me figure out why I am the bad person I have been for 21 years. Now, with no social support, and my increasing anger toward my parents, I almost see no reason to keep going. Suicide "attempts" in the past were just to get attention, but lately they're feeling very personal and real. If I do not accomplish my goals, it will partly be because of my parents stopping me from doing them for 15 years. I just don't know what I am going to do.

Sultana

Stop looking at your parents and start focusing on yourself.

Rewrite:
"If I do not accomplish my goals, it will COMPLETELY be because of ME stopping me from doing them..."

That's the truth of it.

Like hrandani said:
"...if you're about to kill yourself, why be so uptight about everything. Stop caring about what other people think, and do shit you think you might enjoy."

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

glooper23

I agree with hrandani, but my parents did things to me that have set me back 20 years. If I can't become an excellent musician until I'm the age of 40, then how am I supposed to support myself for the 20 years before that? How am I supposed to make friends any time soon if I have no social skills because of my parents? The things they did to me, I could not prevent because I wasn't intelligent enough growing up to see through them. I was not brought up to be an individual - I was brought up to be afraid of authority and to have no sense of my place in a community. I don't see how I can all of a sudden forgive my parents who I can not get away from and put the entire burden on myself to search for self esteem and self confidence. How can I live a productive life if I graduate college with no self respect?

Basically, I have a 1.5 year window to learn to love myself and to learn social skills. If I do not do it by the time I graduate, I will not make it in the real world. I also only have a 1.5 year window to become an avid musician, something that is said to take 10 years. I could have been doing all of this when I was 10 years old, but now I'm stuck starting at 21.

And I'm supposed to put this all on myself and not blame my parents?

Gilda

Here's an online version of a commonly used diagnostic test for Social Anxiety.

I scored 111. My wife and sister took it for comparison and scored less than 10 combined.

Two years ago I was practically agoraphobic, afraid to leave the house for anything but work, so this is an improvement of sorts.

As Ratbastid said, this is a treatable disorder, with cognitive-behavioral therapy being a proven effective clinical method, with or without accompanying medication depending on the severity of the condition.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

glooper23

Yeah but.. you have a wife and a sister. I have two parents who I do not love or respect because of who they are and what they did. If they died, I would have absolutely nothing. I have never had a real friend, and I don't know how to make them.

These cognitive therapy tapes start out very strange... they give me ways to be myself more in public. The problem starts with me being myself!!!! When I am myself in public, people get angry, and that is why I'm so scared! If I was confident that others wouldn't get upset at me for who I am, or if I had some sort of emotional support base to build from, I could see how these tapes will help. All I see them doing is exposing my crazy self to others who will put me in jail for who I am.

My score was only 90, though.

Gilda

I am indeed lucky to have those people in my life; it makes coping with my emotional difficulties much less difficult. I'm sorry that you don't seem to have much of a support network to help you get through this. It really does make things better.

There's nothing wrong with recognizing the influences in your life that led you to be in the place you are now, and if that includes bad or unloving parents, that's very sad. I'm no longer a part of my parents' lives, nor is my sister, which is at times very difficult for me. I can certainly sympathize with you there; parents can do some serious damage to you in a variety of ways.

You've assessed blame and laid it squarely on your parents. I don't know you well enough to dispute that, so let's assume it's true. Now what? You get to decide what to do about it. At 21 in college you're at a good age and in a good place to be able to do something about it. Check with guidance and see if the school provides counseling or other mental health services.

If you're lacking some of the social skills training that you were supposed to have gotten as a child and teen, go get some.

I know it's difficult, but it's better to do it now, when you're really just getting started in life than waste time worrying about who's to blame. Your parents screwed you up. That happens to a lot of us. You're the one who has to fix things. That sucks, that's unfair, I get that, but that is how it is.

I was practically a hermit for most of my 20's, disappearing into school and work as a defense against the world and against my fears and insecurities regarding the world. All that time not dealing with my problems only made them worse.

However, even starting when I was nearly 30, I've made slow, but steady progress. Focus on improving those things you're unhappy with, and don't look for artificial deadlines like the end of college as a time for completion. Nobody is completely who they want to be when they finish college.

I don't know what cognitive therapy tapes you're referring to, but you should keep in mind that that isn't going to be nearly as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy with a qualified therapist.

I can offer you one hint. I made the same mistake as you when it came to the "be yourself" type of advice, defending the status quo by saying that a shy, asocial loner was who I was. That's not what that means in this context. It means to let others see the person inside, whoever that might be, without fear of their judgment. Afraid of being judged is how you feel, not who you are.

Also, I talk a good game, but I've not always been that good at it.

I wish you luck. Put in the work and you'll see improvements.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert