Originally Posted by mixedmedia

I did not mean to imply that you are not intelligent. So you can just toss that one out right now. What I am talking about has nothing to do with intelligence - it is about ego. Not to be confused with conceit or arrogance. More an irrational preoccupation with yourself - even if it's not in a self-admiring way.

But maybe I'm getting in a little over my head here. I certainly don't want to launch into a parade of my own philosophical gobbledy-gook when I don't even really know you enough to fully understand your problem. My influences are many, but what changed my head and opened up the world to a more peaceful, confident existence for me personally is reading about Buddhism. I've never committed to a Buddhist practice and I don't call myself a Buddhist (so I am not trying to "convert" you, lol), but from reading the things you are writing about here, I can say that acquiring even a little bit of a Buddhist perspective on your situation would benefit you. Thus is why I suggested meditation in my first post.

I sympathize with your situation and the difficulties you have experienced. But it certainly isn't the worst growing up story I've ever heard and it will be far from impossible for you to overcome. You may have to relegate yourself to the possibility that no one will come along to support you when you need it most. Life is just like that sometimes. Which means you will have to gather the strength to get through it on your own. And I can tell you from experience, there are no more satisfying and life-affirming experiences than meeting what seem to be insurmountable challenges on your own and finding to your surprise that you really can meet them and succeed. If you are unhappy with the circumstances of your life, then make strides to change them. GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS if you can at all manage it. (I'm not saying you should abandon them, they obviously could your love and support, but you would probably be of more help to them when you're not actually having to live with them.) Take up reading. Exercise. Volunteer. Find an outlet for some sort of creative expression. Find things that you can do to better yourself without the companionship of others. Another thing that I have found to be true about life, and this is a shred of a Buddhist concept as well, is that soon after I give up yearning, searching, wanting, needing something...it walks into my life unbidden.

I tend to go on and on, so forgive me, it's late and I can't tell if I'm making any sense. I don't expect anything I say to make any real difference. Heck, I don't even know if I'm addressing any of your concerns. I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is relax, be true to yourself (even if your self is "weird"), be good to others (very important!) and the life you want will come to you eventually. Just be patient with yourself and with the world. Or something like that.