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Thanks. I'm a very intelligent person, such that I know that people usually don't notice the things I think they notice. I'm fully aware of when I'm assuming something that doesn't make sense, so that is not my problem.
The main problem is that I don't feel like I have any immediate support in my life. All my old friends either dislike me, or we have nothing in common anymore. I have to keep my mouth shut around my parents, or they will kick me out of the house. I have a very eccentric way of thinking out and doing things. My parents, who have never had a social life throughout my lifetime, let me sit in my room half my life playing by myself. We lived far away from school, so it wasn't easy to hang out with anyone much. My parents also have nothing in common with each other (I was a "surprise"). So, I had to deal with my dad angry all the time and my mom telling me how she wishes she never met my dad. Which, in turn, made me feel like a mistake. I was suicidal growing up, and I attached myself to girls who were nice to me. I had no reason to really get up every morning except to keep my parents happy.
As I went into college, I still shared these feelings. The only reason I attended college is because everyone else did - I didn't have dreams or goals. My athletic goals ended with high school, and the only thing I enjoyed doing was vandalizing my best friend's house, among others'. So, I was a very screwed up kid. Not to mention, my first girlfriend, who I met the 1st week of college, made me buy certain clothes, act a certain way, and she would make fun of my friends. She was a very mean, troubled person herself, so imagine my first girlfriend telling me if I didn't dress a certain way, she would not like me. This continued on with the friends I made in college. They would knock me constantly for doing things differently, and ultimately, they befriended me because of who I was. This sparked the change in me to be a different person.
It's hard to explain why I am so insecure through this truncated explanation. However, the problem is not that I am in the dark on reality. The problem is I'm scared of my current reality - nobody appreciates me for who I am. When I do what I want, people react negatively, and I have to deal with the pain. The ultimate fear is that I will not find somebody who will help me go where I want to go. There are things that I want to accomplish, and I can't do all of it by myself my entire life.
I've been very good at fending for myself the past year and a half with absolutely 0 support. Hearing my mom say she hates her life, how she wishes she never met my dad, and how I've never been fair to her my entire life does not help either. I have so much fear and prejudice ingrained in me that I turn down a lot of peoples' invitations to hang out. But, why would I want to hang out with people who don't have the same interests as I do? It's just hard - I could decide to simply not care what anybody thinks, but it's hard.
Even if I did see a girl in class, I see no reason to say anything to her. Why would a girl want to be friends with someone who has no friends? Forget being in a relationship with me, I see no reason why they would like me. The reality of today's 20 somethings is it doesn't matter how nice I am, if I don't provide opportunities or resources, girls will flock to the ones who do. No matter how much a tool bag the other guys are. You could say I'm over generalizing, and I know I am. But, it's hard for me to break out of the reality that most single girls are like this... at least where I go to school.
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