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Originally Posted by shesus
I'm not saying you can't depend on people. I depend on a lot of people in my life to bounce ideas off of and listen. However, I also know that I can make it on my own and that is am important thing. If you can't make it on your own it puts too much pressure on the other person. I had to learn this the hard way by losing a few friends in the past because I depended on them too much. Then I was alone and back to square one. I vowed that that would never happen again.
If I lost everyone in my life, I would be extremely sad, but I would still be able to function and support myself. I would not lose any confidence or think of myself poorly because I was alone.
Pretending is not a good thing and it will break you down quicker than anything. You should not have to pretend you are something that you are not. While you are getting used to your new believes, you may feel like you are in an unfamiliar area and are pretending. However, if it is truly what you believe then it should be temporary.
It seems that you are putting a huge emphasis on your hair which puzzles me. Are you concerned about your hair or do you think that your thoughts are 'wrong' or in the minority? You've never really said what your thoughts and beliefs are except that it has something to do with prejudices. Were they racial, socio-economic, gender? Just seems odd that you are having such a hard time. As for your hair, what is wrong with it and is it fixable with a haircut or styling gel? There are always solutions, you just need to find them.
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One of my issues is that I'm too independent. I don't like others helping me because I don't want the responsibility of owing them something in return. Part of that is my upbringing - whenever I received something, my father would get very upset because he would think about how spoiled I am and how I have no respect. In fact, most of my problems derive from my dad.
On the other note, the hair thing is part of me trying to look a certain way. I don't like paying for haircuts or styling gel because I am very cheap. So, I try to do it myself, but when it doesn't look right, I get nervous. The anxiety comes, again, from being afraid I don't look ok. I'm worried someone won't take me seriously if my hair looks like someone with no experience in haircutting (me) did it. I just paid for a haircut, which is way too expensive, but whatever. It upsets me because if I had a large group of friends, I wouldn't care how my hair looks. But, because I'm trying to impress others nonstop, I have to look perfect. I'm too scared someone will say "dude you look stupid," and I will agree because I don't like how I look.
I'm so nervous all the time, and I know it's my fault. I'm paying the price for being a mean, prejudiced kid for 19 years. Sometimes I wonder if I I'll ever dig out of the whole I've dug. And by the time I have, my dreams will have past me by, and I will die.
Sometimes I say to myself, "Just do what you want and be happy with yourself." But then I worry that I will regret what I did, later. I'm worried at the end of the day I'll be like "oh my god I made myself look like a fool. Those people probably think I'm an idiot." Or, I'm worried I will "be myself" and say something I will regret. I constantly say things that upset other people, and I'm scared I will do it to someone important, like say a boss or potential friend / girlfriend. Then, I'll be left with nothing but more people who think I'm an asshole.