Think my wife is cheating... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

LutherMac · 03-01-2004, 12:55 AM

Ughie... I really hate this situation... saw my wife looking at some e-mail tonight, and just happened to catch that one was sent from someone (a male) that I'd never heard of before.

Well... me being nosy, I did a little digging and found a sent message that seems pretty suspicious to me.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I should proceed?

I don't want to destroy her trust and say "I was being nosy... now explain yourself"... I would like to gather more evidence...

I dunno... this happened before (found VERY suspicious e-mails) and confronted her immediately. I think she's just starting to trust that I don't have my eyes on her e-mail anymore.

Help!

aphex140 · 03-01-2004, 01:32 AM

in my exp they turn round and get stuck into you for being nosey.

My advice would be monitior the situation, as suspicion alone can cause probs as you outlined.I know it is a headf**k but , there is no easy way of dealing with unconfirmed suspisions.

Men and women flirt esp via mail forums etc. If you trust her ease your mind inf iot is eating you up then you might need to confront her to save your sainity.

Was the mail that suspicous.

LutherMac · 03-01-2004, 01:54 AM

The thing that caught me most off guard was the fact that she ended it in ILY.

Also, in one of his e-mails he mentions that he has to be "careful about the content if you know what I mean." after my wife asked if it was okay to e-mail...

SiN · 03-01-2004, 02:23 AM

hm, tough situation.

A couple things come to mind...

1. If you have children with her, please please take utmost care with the situation.

2. If she is cheating, there's got to be some reason *why*. perhaps your approach should be more of opening a dialog about the state of your marriage, what's not working, etc. Worry less about direct confrontation, but go down the road where cheating would live, if it is happening. And perhaps you both will learn things in the process.

And good luck. We are here for you.

jvwgtr · 03-01-2004, 04:21 AM

You know what so often they say about these situations...if you think your spouse is cheating, they probabably are.
There has to be some indication in your marriage that things are a little strained to begin with...

I dated a girl for years who had suspected her (now ex) husband of cheating. She didn't have any evidence, just a girl's name that she was pretty sure was his mistress.
Rather than collect hard evidence, she confronted him one day by bluffing, "And I know about [girl's name]".
The look on his face told her all she needed to know.

I'm not sure that's the way to go, though. But if you ask her honestly, maybe you'll get an honest answer and can work from there.

mr sticky · 03-01-2004, 06:04 AM

Two words...keystroke interceptor!!!

Marriage is a contract between two people. It involves love and trust freely given by both parties. You can't stay married for the both of you...find out where she stands by spying...then confront the situation in yourself (decide if you want to try to save the relationship). Then confront her with the proof as well as your decisions.

This tact provides both the evidence and the outcome.

lurkette · 03-01-2004, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SiN
2. If she is cheating, there's got to be some reason *why*. perhaps your approach should be more of opening a dialog about the state of your marriage, what's not working, etc. Worry less about direct confrontation, but go down the road where cheating would live, if it is happening. And perhaps you both will learn things in the process.

dingdingdingdingding!

Give the girl a prize!

This is probably the best way to go about things - she doesn't feel like she's under surveilance, and you address the root causes of any possible infidelity. Treat the disease, not the symptoms.

sexymama · 03-01-2004, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette

This is probably the best way to go about things - she doesn't feel like she's under surveilance, and you address the root causes of any possible infidelity. Treat the disease, not the symptoms.

Spying is not healthy for you or her. An e-mail -- even several -- does not mean she is "physically" cheating on you. What it does mean is that she needs someone to talk with. That means that something is missing in your communication (both ways, you to her, her to you.) Phil McGraw's book, "Relationship Rescue" is awesome at helping you figure out what you can do to help heal.

Her actions are a red flag that say, "I need change." That doesn't mean she doesn't want or love you -- just that there is an injury that needs to be healed. Good luck!

(BTW -- when this happened with my ex, I gave it my all. But he didn't want to give back so we did end. There is a point to call it quits. I hope for you this isn't the time; but if I read your post correctly, this is not the first time she has "cheated." If that is true, maybe this is her problem and not yours. You don't deserve to be cheated on.)

jbrooks544 · 03-01-2004, 07:02 AM

What mr sticky said...

If you have a reasonable suspicion then it sounds like you could probably be correct that she is cheating on you. It sounds like you have just cause for spying to confirm. I would install one of those keystroke programs (at the very least) - it can email you invisibly everything she types. If this were me, she wouldn't "feel like she's under surveilance" because she wouldn't know.

To me, there would be no excuse for ever being cheated on. While it might be "possible" that I could forgive, it isn't likely. If my S.O. or spouse wants to cheat, then leave first and do what you like. I can imagine no greater breach of trust or disrespect for me as a man. This isn't theoretical, I've been married 17 years.

If she is cheating, then she has broken trust. If not, then move on.

What you do about broken trust is up to you. I can't imagine going on and trusting her again.

It isn't fair for you to be expected to just go on living and not know for sure. If she is cheating then you need to confront it directly, not live a lie or dance around it like it doesn't exist. That is no way to live - it isn't honest and avoids meaningful relationship and meaningful communication. If she is cheating on you, the "why" is secondary, made irrelevant by the fact that she has broken trust (if that is what has happened).

You need to find out for sure. Then do what you will... Only you know what is best in your relationship. Obviously, things can't go on the same - whether she is cheating or not.

Mephex · 03-01-2004, 07:18 AM

First off, I'd like to tell you that I am sorry to hear that you are in such a situation. It is one of the most painful, the most trying things you can experience.

However, if you are able to try to step outside of the problem, and look at it from an oustiders perspective, you'll see that you do have other options here.

I won't get into my ordeal, but I was in a very similiar situation, it all started on the computer.

However, I didn't stop myself to think clearly, I took what I had and confronted her, and left no room for her to go. I was so angry, I destroyed everything.

If this relationship means anything to you, you'll spend some time thinking of a better way to handle things then by simply gathering evidence. Try to talk first, and if that doesn't work. Maybe it's just best you pack up now, before you go where you cannot come back from. Is the pain of knowing really worth it ?

Ustwo · 03-01-2004, 09:53 AM

I'm with the spying group.

Gather evidence because if this ends in a divorce you want the upper hand. At the very least you will know whats going on to save your marriage but don't be foolish. You arn't at fault directly, she is. If your marriage is having issues thats not an excuse for cheating.

Get the proof, then confront her.

LutherMac · 03-01-2004, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SiN

A couple things come to mind...

1. If you have children with her, please please take utmost care with the situation.

She had a child from a previous marriage, whom I adore of course, but there are no children between us.

Quote:

Originally posted by SiN

2. If she is cheating, there's got to be some reason *why*. perhaps your approach should be more of opening a dialog about the state of your marriage, what's not working, etc. Worry less about direct confrontation, but go down the road where cheating would live, if it is happening. And perhaps you both will learn things in the process.

I've actually tried this. We've been shaky the last few weeks, due to problems with my job, she's been stressing pretty badly. She doesn't like the fact that I'm pretty much a homebody, and I don't like the fact that she's always going out. In the last two weeks, she hasn't come straight home from work once. Its one of the things that originally fed my suspicion. Most of the time she just comes home and goes straight to bed. We've actually even discussed a seperation, but we decided to stick it out. That was only about a week ago...

Quote:

Originally posted by SiN

And good luck. We are here for you.

Thank you all...

LutherMac · 03-01-2004, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by jvwgtr
You know what so often they say about these situations...if you think your spouse is cheating, they probabably are.
There has to be some indication in your marriage that things are a little strained to begin with...

I dated a girl for years who had suspected her (now ex) husband of cheating. She didn't have any evidence, just a girl's name that she was pretty sure was his mistress.
Rather than collect hard evidence, she confronted him one day by bluffing, "And I know about [girl's name]".
The look on his face told her all she needed to know.

I'm not sure that's the way to go, though. But if you ask her honestly, maybe you'll get an honest answer and can work from there.

I actually tried this last night. However, the story that she gave me did not fit at all with the E-mails that I've seen.

Supposedly he's an older guy who's a "fill in" bowler for the league she's in. Supposedly she's been giving advice about what he should do about his 25 year old (her age) son.

The last time I caught her going behind my back, she gave me an excuse for that one too, but I didn't accept it until she cracked and told the whole story. But that time I confronted her with the evidence I found. This time, I really want to get more evidence, build a rock solid case.

LutherMac · 03-01-2004, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by mr sticky
Two words...keystroke interceptor!!!

Marriage is a contract between two people. It involves love and trust freely given by both parties. You can't stay married for the both of you...find out where she stands by spying...then confront the situation in yourself (decide if you want to try to save the relationship). Then confront her with the proof as well as your decisions.

This tact provides both the evidence and the outcome.

I've actually been looking for a decent interceptor. The problem on that is I don't think its coming from our house, but rather her work. Her work provides her with the means to do what she does.... Internet and a Cell Phone. I know for a fact that the e-mails I found in her Yahoo account were sent from work, due to the time and date they were sent.

So the only way to guard against that it to watch all her e-mails (check Yahoo often)

LutherMac · 03-01-2004, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jbrooks544

To me, there would be no excuse for ever being cheated on. While it might be "possible" that I could forgive, it isn't likely. If my S.O. or spouse wants to cheat, then leave first and do what you like. I can imagine no greater breach of trust or disrespect for me as a man. This isn't theoretical, I've been married 17 years.

I agree completely... and I've told her this many times. If she's ever too unhappy that she wants to move on, at least tell me thats what she's doing, so I don't have to second guess everything that's going on. I'd much rather be broken hearted for lack of love than to find out that she's been seeing other guys for the last X number of years, and finally found a worthy replacement for me.

Quote:

Originally posted by jbrooks544

If she is cheating, then she has broken trust. If not, then move on.

What you do about broken trust is up to you. I can't imagine going on and trusting her again.

It isn't fair for you to be expected to just go on living and not know for sure. If she is cheating then you need to confront it directly, not live a lie or dance around it like it doesn't exist. That is no way to live - it isn't honest and avoids meaningful relationship and meaningful communication. If she is cheating on you, the "why" is secondary, made irrelevant by the fact that she has broken trust (if that is what has happened).

This will be the 3rd time in our lives that she's broken my trust. IF something is going on, and I found out about it... its definately over. I just want to have a paper trail for why its over when her family starts hating my guts for leaving.

I really don't want to have to live this way... can't stand the idea that I really don't know what or who to believe. I just wish I'd listened to my gut when it happened the first time... and just broke it off entirely... I feel like I've been too forgiving.

Tomservo · 03-01-2004, 12:18 PM

LutherMac, I have just the program, however it will only capture HER keystrokes, not those typed to her. However, it can also record a screenshot at whatever intervals you like, and if set up properly is nearly completely undetectable. (If she's not a super compu-nerd, you're 100% safe).

Anyhow, it's called perfect keylogger. I've tested it on my system here, works like a charm. It can even e-mail you updates as to what it's found, and the output is encrypted to only be read in the perfect keylogger program.

I WOULD USE THIS. I haven't, thank God, but I would. Toss me an e-mail if you want the program, or you want to know where to find it.

joshibahn · 03-01-2004, 12:50 PM

same thing happened here with my "EX-WIFE", found out she was banging my best friend/co-worker......

Keylogger was what helped me get out....she was sloppy.....

03-01-2004, 01:06 PM

From personal experience, I know what the root of the problem is. Lack of communication. You may not want to hear this, but you can't blame her fully, as you both contribute to the problem. Even if she is not cheating, this suspicion and fear is showing a sign of distrust and lack of communication. It's up to you whether or not you want to make things better in your relationship by changing yourself and talking with her about it, as well as everything else- being 100% open and honest.
When you don't communicate, you don't have a relationship. Simple as that.
I encourage you to step up and do what feels good to you- either talk to her and work on things in the relationship or go your seperate ways. But it is always worth trying to grow closer and make the relationship work. But make sure you look at yourself and what you could be doing to cause this feeling/possible actual event. Look at what you can do to change it. Only you can change you, you can't change her. That's up to her.
If you've got love, you will want to work this out.

StephenSa · 03-01-2004, 01:41 PM

Man oh man do I feel for you. Its a tough situation you're facing. I agree with what some others are saying. If you confront her about it you'll have to admit to snooping and she is going to turn that one around on you real quick. You will be in the doghouse immediatelyand it might be for nothing. It could have just been an innocent e-mail. Also, if she is cheating you'll have tipped your hand without any real evidence and she'll just be more careful in the future. I would just keep close tabs on her (without being overbearing or clingy) and see if any more suspicious activities happen. You should also talk to her about your relationship in a calm, mature manner. Don't initiate this conversation when you are in "freaked out suspicious mode." This will just lead to shouting and heartbreak. As hard as I know it will be, try to be calm and rational and see how she feels about your relationship. Hopefully you'll come away relieved and satisfied. At any rate you'll get a better idea where you stand and perhaps uncover some needs she has. Good Luck.

moonstrucksoul · 03-01-2004, 03:42 PM

Quote:

by :::OshnSoul:::When you don't communicate, you don't have a relationship. Simple as that.

yes, I hope that this works out for you, just make sure you get it all figured out for yourself and make sure that what you do now is what is best for you, and you don't have to wait 6 months for another bomb to drop on your head. because this will not just end tommorow it will haunt and eat away at you.

irateplatypus · 03-01-2004, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by SiN

2. If she is cheating, there's got to be some reason *why*. perhaps your approach should be more of opening a dialog about the state of your marriage, what's not working, etc. Worry less about direct confrontation, but go down the road where cheating would live, if it is happening. And perhaps you both will learn things in the process.

just don't rule out the possibility that the reason she is cheating on you is that she is selfish and dishonest. honestly, it really does sound like she is. figure out whether the relationship is worth saving before any big confrontations. if you aren't sure what to do, remember that a feeling of security and a need to fend off loneliness aren't good reasons to try to work it out. it will only truly be healed if both of you are pulling in the same direction from now on.

Astrocloud · 03-01-2004, 05:48 PM

You could easily install spyware on your own computer and record her every keystroke. Just a thought.

I've known married women to cheat more often than men. But maybe that's just me.

ladyadmin · 03-01-2004, 06:10 PM

I don't think it's appropriate to spy on anyone. If there is no trust in your marriage you are heading down a road to destruction. Would you want her to spy on you if you were having a secret affair or were just friends with someone but she was suspicious of it?

Communicate with her instead of sneaking behind her back. Not only are you going to break her trust in you if you wrongly accuse her but you may harm your marriage in a bad way.

If she's done this before, you have a right to be a little wary of things she's been doing. If it bothers you this much, speak to her. Maybe she's not hiding as well as she should because she's trying to communicate with you in a round about way that she's unhappy?

03-01-2004, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Astrocloud
You could easily install spyware on your own computer and record her every keystroke. Just a thought.

I've known married women to cheat more often than men. But maybe that's just me.

That's showing distrust. You're entitled to do so, but if you love your SO, you wouldn't keep spying, but talk.

LutherMac · 03-01-2004, 11:42 PM

Well.. I tried the talking route... she denies there's anything going on.. but I can see clearly that something is. Even if she would ADMIT something was going on, and that maybe we could work through it... I'd be more open to working things out. But to continue to flat out deny it.... it really hurts.
After doing what little talking we did tonight, I think we're just going to get seperated. I just can't go on living always wondering what's going on... having to look over her shoulder. On the same note, she feels she can't go on with me "always looking over her shoulder" .. I just feel I can't help it, as she acts like we're dating, more than married. Staying out till the wee hours of the morning several nights a week...

Maybe things could change... but I just don't really think I can take it anymore... and feel there's no reason why I should torture myself over the situation. I was blinded by love, but as I saw that love disappearing, so did the shroud.

*sigh*

isis · 03-02-2004, 12:16 AM

Sorry to hear .. =(

Best of luck to you - maybe, things can still be worked out. If not, there is lots of good things out there for you.

Zander · 03-02-2004, 02:05 AM

Private investigat0r

PDOUBLEOP · 03-02-2004, 05:22 AM

Been there....I'll be blunt. Save yourself! She's a repeat offender. She obviously wants out but doesn't want to be the blame for ending the marriage. How did you meet? Was she already married/dating when you hooked up? It's a runaway train, get off while you can. If she wanted to be married, she would do anything to solve the problem and build your trust. She wants out and theres no stopping her.

/bitter from experience

AlCap0wn · 03-02-2004, 06:27 AM

Some of you guys really are gluttons for punishment.

1) Collect evidence.
2) Divorce slut.
3) Profit.

Blackthorn · 03-02-2004, 08:32 AM

I don't know that I can add much to what the previous replies have provided you. I agree with SiN. Open dialogue is the way to address things.

I went through this with my now ex-wife and if I knew then what I know now we might perhaps still be married. There is a line of thinking that says that there are usually five or six most important emotional needs in a relationship that when met will prevent infidelity and promote a healthy relationship. Following the official end of the marriage I've done a lot of reading and thinking about what I might have done differently to create a better resolution. I won't go way off topic here with that story but I do want to share one site that is very helpful in providing advice on how to approach this situation.

The site is called MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

I hope this helps and as the saying goes ... trust but verify.

Best wishes.

sigma1042 · 03-02-2004, 08:47 AM

two words,
jayson williams

start a new hobby like shotgun spinning

it also makes me think of a stephen lynch song called superhero, look into it
be justice guy

Yakk · 03-02-2004, 09:03 AM

If a woman isn't having regular sex with their husband, it is perfectly understandable that they go out and find sexual intimacy with other people.

I mean, it is the woman's fault for not keeping up the sexual relationship.

If a man isn't communicating with their wife, it is perfectly understandable that they go out and find emotional intimacy with other people.

I mean, it is the man's fault for not keeping up communication in the relationship.

Same shit, different pile... Both are partially true, and mostly false.

It is quite possible that your wife is cheating on you because she doesn't feel emotionally/sexually fullfilled by you. This is a failing in you.

It would be justified for your wife to get seperated or divorced or talking with you and trying to improve things. Your wife cheating on you is not justified.

If there is something going on, your wife is treating you like a doormat, and spying is a justified option. If there is nothing going on, you are being paranoid, and spying is not a justified option. At this point, spying would simply be an act you do before leaving the relationship, in order to justify your actions to 3rd parties or yourself. It isn't an easy choice.

<-- feeling cynical today.

moonstrucksoul · 03-02-2004, 01:06 PM

Quote:

By LutherMac: Staying out till the wee hours of the morning several nights a week...

that is not a standard of marriage.
I am really sorry you have to go throught this.

Prince · 03-02-2004, 02:29 PM

I'd use the keylogger, if I were you. People will tell you that spying is wrong, and while I'll admit it is, so is cheating. Since you've already tried to talk to her about it, repeatedly, it's time to take matters into your own hands. This is the point where it ceases to be about what's right for her, it's about what's right for you. The fact that you've caught her from this bullshit before only emphasizes that. You have the right to know, and the slu...uhh, woman doesn't seem co-operative.

One thing though...always remember that just because she isn't admitting something doesn't mean she's lying. Sometimes it IS just as innocent as they say, and other times it is not. Trust your instinct above all else.

doncalypso · 03-02-2004, 07:03 PM

Confront your wife about this.... if she is cheating then dump her ASAP and go get tested for STDs.

motdakasha · 03-02-2004, 07:29 PM

1) stop invading your wife's privacy
2) if you have an issue with her supposed loyalty, discuss it with her in a mature matter. i wouldn't go for a direct approach, but ask her if she's happy and what things need to be worked on (as a couple) to improve the relationship.
3) there are other ways to look for signs that don't involve illegal invasion of privacy. statistics have shown that when a partner is cheating, they buy themselves gifts (or receive gifts) more often.
4) if you are really intent on going behind her back and spying, hire a professional who knows how to do it legally so that if you need to go to court to prove it, you won't get in trouble.
5) if you are still sexually involved with her, use protection.

irateplatypus · 03-02-2004, 07:52 PM

i can't tell you how much i disagree with motdakasha. your wife has certainly demonstrated that she cannot be trusted, or at least is not above suspicion. she is your wife, you owe each other your complete allegience and transparency. if you are still sexually involved with her, don't be. not until you are certain about what is going on.

in these situations, i don't believe there is such a thing as invading a spouse's privacy. with regards to relationships, there is nothing that is healthy to keep private. the only thing that should be hidden should be anniversary celebration plans and christmas gifts.

motdakasha · 03-02-2004, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by irateplatypus
with regards to relationships, there is nothing that is healthy to keep private.

Tell that to the judge. It is illegal to read anyone's mail without their consent and knowledge, electronic or no, spouse or not. The only legal exception is if you're the parent or legal guardian of a minor.

Boo · 03-02-2004, 08:25 PM

Plan for the worst, work toward the best.

Save money in a safe place. Separation/divorce is not cheap. Pocket the beer money. Pay off as many bills as you can, don't make any new ones.

Work hard to help it work, then work harder. Avoid fast women and whiskey.

If you can't make it work, depart with honor. Be nice, split fairly. Don't talk shit and ignore anyone that says your SO is talking crap about you.

Don't be my friend R__, he kept trying year after year. Finally after a divorce, he says he is happier than ever.

Remember sometimes, with every effort made, its just not a viable living relationship. So punt.

maximus · 03-02-2004, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by motdakasha
1) stop invading your wife's privacy
2) if you have an issue with her supposed loyalty, discuss it with her in a mature matter. i wouldn't go for a direct approach, but ask her if she's happy and what things need to be worked on (as a couple) to improve the relationship.
3) there are other ways to look for signs that don't involve illegal invasion of privacy. statistics have shown that when a partner is cheating, they buy themselves gifts (or receive gifts) more often.
4) if you are really intent on going behind her back and spying, hire a professional who knows how to do it legally so that if you need to go to court to prove it, you won't get in trouble.
5) if you are still sexually involved with her, use protection.

i can not disagree more, she has shown that she cheated twice before. having a "relationship" with another person while married is against the rules of maraige. the disreguard of the rules of maraige is much worse than the breaking a rule of privacy. she is breaking the rule of having a "private" relationship with you while married. she is denying to be cheating, what else does he have to do but sit back and watch his entire life emploe on itself. if you have to go behind her back to prove that she is denying the most important oath she ever took, then thats shows that she doesn't care enough to let you know it is over and only thinking of herself. there is no excuse in the world to cheat, bad communication, job, wealth issues, sickness, or just boredom, there is no excuse. cheating is like rape, molestation, abuse, and total disreguard of human feelings all rolled up into one big ball of "i have lost all respect for you as a person and thats it".

03-01-2004, 12:55 AM	#1 (permalink)
LutherMac Crazy Location: St. Louis, MO	Think my wife is cheating... Ughie... I really hate this situation... saw my wife looking at some e-mail tonight, and just happened to catch that one was sent from someone (a male) that I'd never heard of before. Well... me being nosy, I did a little digging and found a sent message that seems pretty suspicious to me. Does anyone have any ideas on how I should proceed? I don't want to destroy her trust and say "I was being nosy... now explain yourself"... I would like to gather more evidence... I dunno... this happened before (found VERY suspicious e-mails) and confronted her immediately. I think she's just starting to trust that I don't have my eyes on her e-mail anymore. Help! __________________ Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else!

03-01-2004, 01:32 AM	#2 (permalink)
aphex140 Psycho Location: northamptonshire	in my exp they turn round and get stuck into you for being nosey. My advice would be monitior the situation, as suspicion alone can cause probs as you outlined.I know it is a headf**k but , there is no easy way of dealing with unconfirmed suspisions. Men and women flirt esp via mail forums etc. If you trust her ease your mind inf iot is eating you up then you might need to confront her to save your sainity. Was the mail that suspicous. __________________ Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila. [/QUOTE=BAMF]Do they role a die, with a 1/3 chance of being flacid?[/QUOTE]

03-01-2004, 01:54 AM	#3 (permalink)
LutherMac Crazy Location: St. Louis, MO	The thing that caught me most off guard was the fact that she ended it in ILY. Also, in one of his e-mails he mentions that he has to be "careful about the content if you know what I mean." after my wife asked if it was okay to e-mail... __________________ Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else!

03-01-2004, 02:23 AM	#4 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	hm, tough situation. A couple things come to mind... 1. If you have children with her, please please take utmost care with the situation. 2. If she is cheating, there's got to be some reason why. perhaps your approach should be more of opening a dialog about the state of your marriage, what's not working, etc. Worry less about direct confrontation, but go down the road where cheating would live, if it is happening. And perhaps you both will learn things in the process. And good luck. We are here for you. __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

03-01-2004, 06:04 AM	#6 (permalink)
mr sticky Psycho Location: NC	Two words...keystroke interceptor!!! Marriage is a contract between two people. It involves love and trust freely given by both parties. You can't stay married for the both of you...find out where she stands by spying...then confront the situation in yourself (decide if you want to try to save the relationship). Then confront her with the proof as well as your decisions. This tact provides both the evidence and the outcome. __________________ The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

03-01-2004, 04:21 AM	#5 (permalink)
jvwgtr Completely bananas Location: Florida	You know what so often they say about these situations...if you think your spouse is cheating, they probabably are. There has to be some indication in your marriage that things are a little strained to begin with... I dated a girl for years who had suspected her (now ex) husband of cheating. She didn't have any evidence, just a girl's name that she was pretty sure was his mistress. Rather than collect hard evidence, she confronted him one day by bluffing, "And I know about [girl's name]". The look on his face told her all she needed to know. I'm not sure that's the way to go, though. But if you ask her honestly, maybe you'll get an honest answer and can work from there.

03-01-2004, 07:02 AM	#9 (permalink)
jbrooks544 Addict	What mr sticky said... If you have a reasonable suspicion then it sounds like you could probably be correct that she is cheating on you. It sounds like you have just cause for spying to confirm. I would install one of those keystroke programs (at the very least) - it can email you invisibly everything she types. If this were me, she wouldn't "feel like she's under surveilance" because she wouldn't know. To me, there would be no excuse for ever being cheated on. While it might be "possible" that I could forgive, it isn't likely. If my S.O. or spouse wants to cheat, then leave first and do what you like. I can imagine no greater breach of trust or disrespect for me as a man. This isn't theoretical, I've been married 17 years. If she is cheating, then she has broken trust. If not, then move on. What you do about broken trust is up to you. I can't imagine going on and trusting her again. It isn't fair for you to be expected to just go on living and not know for sure. If she is cheating then you need to confront it directly, not live a lie or dance around it like it doesn't exist. That is no way to live - it isn't honest and avoids meaningful relationship and meaningful communication. If she is cheating on you, the "why" is secondary, made irrelevant by the fact that she has broken trust (if that is what has happened). You need to find out for sure. Then do what you will... Only you know what is best in your relationship. Obviously, things can't go on the same - whether she is cheating or not.

03-01-2004, 07:18 AM	#10 (permalink)
Mephex Psycho	First off, I'd like to tell you that I am sorry to hear that you are in such a situation. It is one of the most painful, the most trying things you can experience. However, if you are able to try to step outside of the problem, and look at it from an oustiders perspective, you'll see that you do have other options here. I won't get into my ordeal, but I was in a very similiar situation, it all started on the computer. However, I didn't stop myself to think clearly, I took what I had and confronted her, and left no room for her to go. I was so angry, I destroyed everything. If this relationship means anything to you, you'll spend some time thinking of a better way to handle things then by simply gathering evidence. Try to talk first, and if that doesn't work. Maybe it's just best you pack up now, before you go where you cannot come back from. Is the pain of knowing really worth it ?

03-01-2004, 09:53 AM	#11 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	I'm with the spying group. Gather evidence because if this ends in a divorce you want the upper hand. At the very least you will know whats going on to save your marriage but don't be foolish. You arn't at fault directly, she is. If your marriage is having issues thats not an excuse for cheating. Get the proof, then confront her. __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

03-01-2004, 12:18 PM	#16 (permalink)
Tomservo Crazy Location: Los Angeles, CA	LutherMac, I have just the program, however it will only capture HER keystrokes, not those typed to her. However, it can also record a screenshot at whatever intervals you like, and if set up properly is nearly completely undetectable. (If she's not a super compu-nerd, you're 100% safe). Anyhow, it's called perfect keylogger. I've tested it on my system here, works like a charm. It can even e-mail you updates as to what it's found, and the output is encrypted to only be read in the perfect keylogger program. I WOULD USE THIS. I haven't, thank God, but I would. Toss me an e-mail if you want the program, or you want to know where to find it.

03-01-2004, 12:50 PM	#17 (permalink)
joshibahn Psycho Location: portland, or	same thing happened here with my "EX-WIFE", found out she was banging my best friend/co-worker...... Keylogger was what helped me get out....she was sloppy..... __________________ TFP=heaven Heaven, n 1: the abode of God and the angels and the souls of those who have gained salvation 2: any place of complete bliss and delight and peace [syn: eden, paradise, nirvana, promised land, Shangri-la]

03-01-2004, 01:06 PM	#18 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul::: Guest	From personal experience, I know what the root of the problem is. Lack of communication. You may not want to hear this, but you can't blame her fully, as you both contribute to the problem. Even if she is not cheating, this suspicion and fear is showing a sign of distrust and lack of communication. It's up to you whether or not you want to make things better in your relationship by changing yourself and talking with her about it, as well as everything else- being 100% open and honest. When you don't communicate, you don't have a relationship. Simple as that. I encourage you to step up and do what feels good to you- either talk to her and work on things in the relationship or go your seperate ways. But it is always worth trying to grow closer and make the relationship work. But make sure you look at yourself and what you could be doing to cause this feeling/possible actual event. Look at what you can do to change it. Only you can change you, you can't change her. That's up to her. If you've got love, you will want to work this out.

03-01-2004, 01:41 PM	#19 (permalink)
StephenSa Psycho Location: Dallas, Texas	Man oh man do I feel for you. Its a tough situation you're facing. I agree with what some others are saying. If you confront her about it you'll have to admit to snooping and she is going to turn that one around on you real quick. You will be in the doghouse immediatelyand it might be for nothing. It could have just been an innocent e-mail. Also, if she is cheating you'll have tipped your hand without any real evidence and she'll just be more careful in the future. I would just keep close tabs on her (without being overbearing or clingy) and see if any more suspicious activities happen. You should also talk to her about your relationship in a calm, mature manner. Don't initiate this conversation when you are in "freaked out suspicious mode." This will just lead to shouting and heartbreak. As hard as I know it will be, try to be calm and rational and see how she feels about your relationship. Hopefully you'll come away relieved and satisfied. At any rate you'll get a better idea where you stand and perhaps uncover some needs she has. Good Luck. __________________ Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

03-01-2004, 05:48 PM	#22 (permalink)
Astrocloud Apocalypse Nerd	You could easily install spyware on your own computer and record her every keystroke. Just a thought. I've known married women to cheat more often than men. But maybe that's just me.

03-01-2004, 06:10 PM	#23 (permalink)
ladyadmin Insane	I don't think it's appropriate to spy on anyone. If there is no trust in your marriage you are heading down a road to destruction. Would you want her to spy on you if you were having a secret affair or were just friends with someone but she was suspicious of it? Communicate with her instead of sneaking behind her back. Not only are you going to break her trust in you if you wrongly accuse her but you may harm your marriage in a bad way. If she's done this before, you have a right to be a little wary of things she's been doing. If it bothers you this much, speak to her. Maybe she's not hiding as well as she should because she's trying to communicate with you in a round about way that she's unhappy? __________________ The Programmers' Cheer Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

03-01-2004, 11:42 PM	#25 (permalink)
LutherMac Crazy Location: St. Louis, MO	Well.. I tried the talking route... she denies there's anything going on.. but I can see clearly that something is. Even if she would ADMIT something was going on, and that maybe we could work through it... I'd be more open to working things out. But to continue to flat out deny it.... it really hurts. After doing what little talking we did tonight, I think we're just going to get seperated. I just can't go on living always wondering what's going on... having to look over her shoulder. On the same note, she feels she can't go on with me "always looking over her shoulder" .. I just feel I can't help it, as she acts like we're dating, more than married. Staying out till the wee hours of the morning several nights a week... Maybe things could change... but I just don't really think I can take it anymore... and feel there's no reason why I should torture myself over the situation. I was blinded by love, but as I saw that love disappearing, so did the shroud. sigh __________________ Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else!

03-02-2004, 12:16 AM	#26 (permalink)
isis Insane Location: In the Woods.	Sorry to hear .. =( Best of luck to you - maybe, things can still be worked out. If not, there is lots of good things out there for you.

03-02-2004, 02:05 AM	#27 (permalink)
Zander Banned Location: Vegas/So. Cal	Private investigat0r

03-02-2004, 05:22 AM	#28 (permalink)
PDOUBLEOP Insane	Been there....I'll be blunt. Save yourself! She's a repeat offender. She obviously wants out but doesn't want to be the blame for ending the marriage. How did you meet? Was she already married/dating when you hooked up? It's a runaway train, get off while you can. If she wanted to be married, she would do anything to solve the problem and build your trust. She wants out and theres no stopping her. /bitter from experience __________________ ef you-you effing ef Last edited by PDOUBLEOP; 03-02-2004 at 05:25 AM..

03-02-2004, 08:32 AM	#30 (permalink)
Blackthorn Beware the Mad Irish Location: Wish I was on the N17...	I don't know that I can add much to what the previous replies have provided you. I agree with SiN. Open dialogue is the way to address things. I went through this with my now ex-wife and if I knew then what I know now we might perhaps still be married. There is a line of thinking that says that there are usually five or six most important emotional needs in a relationship that when met will prevent infidelity and promote a healthy relationship. Following the official end of the marriage I've done a lot of reading and thinking about what I might have done differently to create a better resolution. I won't go way off topic here with that story but I do want to share one site that is very helpful in providing advice on how to approach this situation. The site is called MARRIAGE BUILDERS. I hope this helps and as the saying goes ... trust but verify. Best wishes. __________________ What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

03-02-2004, 08:47 AM	#31 (permalink)
sigma1042 Crazy	two words, jayson williams start a new hobby like shotgun spinning it also makes me think of a stephen lynch song called superhero, look into it be justice guy __________________ [Arthur] HA HA HA HA, It's a little joke![/Arthur]

03-02-2004, 09:03 AM	#32 (permalink)
Yakk Wehret Den Anfängen! Location: Ontario, Canada	If a woman isn't having regular sex with their husband, it is perfectly understandable that they go out and find sexual intimacy with other people. I mean, it is the woman's fault for not keeping up the sexual relationship. If a man isn't communicating with their wife, it is perfectly understandable that they go out and find emotional intimacy with other people. I mean, it is the man's fault for not keeping up communication in the relationship. Same shit, different pile... Both are partially true, and mostly false. It is quite possible that your wife is cheating on you because she doesn't feel emotionally/sexually fullfilled by you. This is a failing in you. It would be justified for your wife to get seperated or divorced or talking with you and trying to improve things. Your wife cheating on you is not justified. If there is something going on, your wife is treating you like a doormat, and spying is a justified option. If there is nothing going on, you are being paranoid, and spying is not a justified option. At this point, spying would simply be an act you do before leaving the relationship, in order to justify your actions to 3rd parties or yourself. It isn't an easy choice. <-- feeling cynical today. __________________ Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

03-02-2004, 02:29 PM	#34 (permalink)
Prince /nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/ Location: LV-426	I'd use the keylogger, if I were you. People will tell you that spying is wrong, and while I'll admit it is, so is cheating. Since you've already tried to talk to her about it, repeatedly, it's time to take matters into your own hands. This is the point where it ceases to be about what's right for her, it's about what's right for you. The fact that you've caught her from this bullshit before only emphasizes that. You have the right to know, and the slu...uhh, woman doesn't seem co-operative. One thing though...always remember that just because she isn't admitting something doesn't mean she's lying. Sometimes it IS just as innocent as they say, and other times it is not. Trust your instinct above all else. __________________ Who is John Galt?

03-02-2004, 07:03 PM	#35 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	Confront your wife about this.... if she is cheating then dump her ASAP and go get tested for STDs. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

03-02-2004, 07:29 PM	#36 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	1) stop invading your wife's privacy 2) if you have an issue with her supposed loyalty, discuss it with her in a mature matter. i wouldn't go for a direct approach, but ask her if she's happy and what things need to be worked on (as a couple) to improve the relationship. 3) there are other ways to look for signs that don't involve illegal invasion of privacy. statistics have shown that when a partner is cheating, they buy themselves gifts (or receive gifts) more often. 4) if you are really intent on going behind her back and spying, hire a professional who knows how to do it legally so that if you need to go to court to prove it, you won't get in trouble. 5) if you are still sexually involved with her, use protection. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

03-02-2004, 07:52 PM	#37 (permalink)
irateplatypus can't help but laugh Location: dar al-harb	i can't tell you how much i disagree with motdakasha. your wife has certainly demonstrated that she cannot be trusted, or at least is not above suspicion. she is your wife, you owe each other your complete allegience and transparency. if you are still sexually involved with her, don't be. not until you are certain about what is going on. in these situations, i don't believe there is such a thing as invading a spouse's privacy. with regards to relationships, there is nothing that is healthy to keep private. the only thing that should be hidden should be anniversary celebration plans and christmas gifts. __________________ If you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance for survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves. ~ Winston Churchill

03-02-2004, 08:25 PM	#39 (permalink)
Boo Leave me alone! Location: Alaska, USA	Plan for the worst, work toward the best. Save money in a safe place. Separation/divorce is not cheap. Pocket the beer money. Pay off as many bills as you can, don't make any new ones. Work hard to help it work, then work harder. Avoid fast women and whiskey. If you can't make it work, depart with honor. Be nice, split fairly. Don't talk shit and ignore anyone that says your SO is talking crap about you. Don't be my friend R__, he kept trying year after year. Finally after a divorce, he says he is happier than ever. Remember sometimes, with every effort made, its just not a viable living relationship. So punt. __________________ Back button again, I must be getting old.