Think my wife is cheating... - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

motdakasha · 03-03-2004, 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by maximus
i can not disagree more

All I'm saying is that it's highly doubtful your argument would hold up in court because evidence was obtained in an illegal manner. The law is the law and she has a right to privacy, even if she's married, even if you think she's cheating.

Like I said earlier, there are other legal methods of obtaining evidence.

(On a side note: It was ruled legal for employer's to read their employee's email, but that is a separate issue.)

skier · 03-03-2004, 12:40 AM

So if I suspect my financial advisor is taking all my money, I should not investigate because that would breach his privacy? If I think that my talent agent is slandering my name, should I not ask around to see what she/he is saying? If I think my union is sacrificing my benefits for personal gain, shouldn't I see what's up?

She may have a right to privacy, but I have a right to know who I can trust. I would need to know if she is sleeping with other men, because I don't want AIDS. I'd like to think the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with would not lie to me, or break my trust. And if they did, would feel remorseful enough afterwards to tell me so we can work through it. Luthermac, find your evidence of whether or not she is cheating, and divorce. To me, a girl that doesn't love you enough to be faithful or honest is not worth the time. Pain should not be the most prominent feature in marriage.

motdakasha · 03-03-2004, 01:02 AM

There are other methods of obtaining convincing evidence that are legal.

(I'm talking to myself. This is my last post on this thread.)

Yakk · 03-03-2004, 07:07 AM

motdakasha's point is a good one.

If you just install a keyboard logger or start intercepting/reading her mail, what good does it do you other than "ooo, I was right?". That and 25 cents can get you a quarter.

If it doesn't stand up in court, you won't be able to prove that the divorce wasn't just you breaking up over nothing.

There are professional investigators who know what evidence is admissable in court. They will gather this evidence for you and provide you with all the proof you need, probably more successfully than you could.

Just like spying on her, doing this is unethical if she is innocent, but justified if she is guilty. Realize that by doing this you are taking an ethical risk. And avoid the logic-trap of "I hired a private investigator. I am an ethical person. I would only hire such an investigator if she was guilty. Thus, she is guilty."

Even using private spying to gather evidence that will salve your conscience and lead you to hire an investigator might taint the private investigator's findings (I Am Not A Lawyer).

If you hire a PI and the PI finds nothing, then you are in an interesting place.

water_boy1999 · 03-03-2004, 12:38 PM

LutherMac, first and foremost, let me say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through. I don't think there is anything more painful than having your heart pulled through the wringer. I do hope things work out for the best, but something tells me, it will be a tough road for you.

I have been in a very similar situation with the girl I thought I would eventually marry. I tried to communicate as best as I could but it didn't help. The best communicators in the world won't fix a marraige if one party is content on cheating and lying about it. If you are suspicious about something, usually your suspicions are true. I am sure you have done your best to confront her, but she seems to have a history of this type of activity.

The institution of marraige has been completely washed down the drain IMO. Yes, I do believe that one shoul dhave things they keep to themselves, like their past. When you get married, I truly feel that nothing is sacred any more. Communication is key, but withholding a secret lifestyle is only means to the ends.

Good luck my friend. I wish you well in this rough period.

03-03-2004, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by motdakasha
1) stop invading your wife's privacy
2) if you have an issue with her supposed loyalty, discuss it with her in a mature matter. i wouldn't go for a direct approach, but ask her if she's happy and what things need to be worked on (as a couple) to improve the relationship.
3) there are other ways to look for signs that don't involve illegal invasion of privacy. statistics have shown that when a partner is cheating, they buy themselves gifts (or receive gifts) more often.
4) if you are really intent on going behind her back and spying, hire a professional who knows how to do it legally so that if you need to go to court to prove it, you won't get in trouble.
5) if you are still sexually involved with her, use protection.

Very good points and suggestions.

I really think that talking to her even deeper- not with accusations, but more of 20 questions to dig deep into her thoughts. Suggest the 2 of you go see a marriage counselor because you feel that the marriage isn't what is used to be. Ask her if she's happy. Ask her how she feels about the marriage. Be open, kind, respectful, and hear her out. Those are my suggestions but you really must determine what you feel is right and good in your heart. Take your time, don't rush to conclusions or decisions until you know for sure. This is a delicate situation. Take care of it as much as possible, instead of damaging it even more. You could also even write a letter to her about how you feel- nothing more, nothing less.

james t kirk · 03-03-2004, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by SiN

2. If she is cheating, there's got to be some reason *why*.

Wrong, there doesn't have to be any reason.

If she's cheating, and I am not saying she is, it just could be the thrill of it all

Ustwo · 03-04-2004, 12:26 PM

I couldn't disagree more with those who say don't invade her privacy.

At best you find out she isn't cheating, at worst you find out she is.

If she is, she won't know that you know, and you can set up methods of having legal evidence should it come to divorce. Also I'm not so sure what she does on your home computer would be 'private'. I've heard of hidden cameras that catch cheating spouses being used in court, so I don't know why a keylogger would be any different.

Divorce is ugly, but getting screwed in a divorce by your cheating wife would be even uglier.

03-03-2004, 12:40 AM	#42 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	So if I suspect my financial advisor is taking all my money, I should not investigate because that would breach his privacy? If I think that my talent agent is slandering my name, should I not ask around to see what she/he is saying? If I think my union is sacrificing my benefits for personal gain, shouldn't I see what's up? She may have a right to privacy, but I have a right to know who I can trust. I would need to know if she is sleeping with other men, because I don't want AIDS. I'd like to think the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with would not lie to me, or break my trust. And if they did, would feel remorseful enough afterwards to tell me so we can work through it. Luthermac, find your evidence of whether or not she is cheating, and divorce. To me, a girl that doesn't love you enough to be faithful or honest is not worth the time. Pain should not be the most prominent feature in marriage. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

03-03-2004, 01:02 AM	#43 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	There are other methods of obtaining convincing evidence that are legal. (I'm talking to myself. This is my last post on this thread.) __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

03-03-2004, 07:07 AM	#44 (permalink)
Yakk Wehret Den Anfängen! Location: Ontario, Canada	motdakasha's point is a good one. If you just install a keyboard logger or start intercepting/reading her mail, what good does it do you other than "ooo, I was right?". That and 25 cents can get you a quarter. If it doesn't stand up in court, you won't be able to prove that the divorce wasn't just you breaking up over nothing. There are professional investigators who know what evidence is admissable in court. They will gather this evidence for you and provide you with all the proof you need, probably more successfully than you could. Just like spying on her, doing this is unethical if she is innocent, but justified if she is guilty. Realize that by doing this you are taking an ethical risk. And avoid the logic-trap of "I hired a private investigator. I am an ethical person. I would only hire such an investigator if she was guilty. Thus, she is guilty." Even using private spying to gather evidence that will salve your conscience and lead you to hire an investigator might taint the private investigator's findings (I Am Not A Lawyer). If you hire a PI and the PI finds nothing, then you are in an interesting place. __________________ Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

03-03-2004, 12:38 PM	#45 (permalink)
water_boy1999 Fly em straight! Location: Above and Beyond	LutherMac, first and foremost, let me say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through. I don't think there is anything more painful than having your heart pulled through the wringer. I do hope things work out for the best, but something tells me, it will be a tough road for you. I have been in a very similar situation with the girl I thought I would eventually marry. I tried to communicate as best as I could but it didn't help. The best communicators in the world won't fix a marraige if one party is content on cheating and lying about it. If you are suspicious about something, usually your suspicions are true. I am sure you have done your best to confront her, but she seems to have a history of this type of activity. The institution of marraige has been completely washed down the drain IMO. Yes, I do believe that one shoul dhave things they keep to themselves, like their past. When you get married, I truly feel that nothing is sacred any more. Communication is key, but withholding a secret lifestyle is only means to the ends. Good luck my friend. I wish you well in this rough period. __________________ Doh!!!! -Homer Simpson

03-04-2004, 12:26 PM	#48 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	I couldn't disagree more with those who say don't invade her privacy. At best you find out she isn't cheating, at worst you find out she is. If she is, she won't know that you know, and you can set up methods of having legal evidence should it come to divorce. Also I'm not so sure what she does on your home computer would be 'private'. I've heard of hidden cameras that catch cheating spouses being used in court, so I don't know why a keylogger would be any different. Divorce is ugly, but getting screwed in a divorce by your cheating wife would be even uglier. __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.