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Old 06-11-2009, 08:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Life after a suicide attempt

So.. long story short: I overdosed on Ambien about two weeks ago and went to the mental hospital and all that. this is my third time.

I'm going to outpatient group therapy everyday for six hours for addiction and mood management. I like it. but, that's not the problem I'm facing right now..

right now.. I feel like so many people are disappointed in me. A ton of my friends won't talk to me anymore. They won't hang out with me anymore. I also overheard my family having a discussion about me and they admitted to eachother that they're simply tired of me now.



I dunno what to do about this. How do I fix my relationship with people I've hurt through my suicide attempt?


Also.. I called the national suicide hotline and they put me on fucking HOLD.. for 15 minutes. Then, when they finally answered, they introduced themselves and put down the phone. WTF was that about?????? THX suicide hotline for making me feel even more unwanted! >:C
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You can't worry about the relationships until you fix the relationship with yourself. You've overstayed your welcome as far as friends and family is concerned. You may be abe to recover some of it over time, but it's not going to be simple or a wave of a magic wand.

You were selfish in your actions and most people don't like selfish people. It doesn't matter if it's selfish suicidal, or just selfish with toys, food, time, or attention.

You need to fix you before you fix any relationships with anyone else. Otherwise, the foundation of the fix is not real or honest to your true self.

re: the suicide hotline, that's fucked up but that's not surprising to me. if you aren't willing to there for someone else, why would anyone else? AA has a responsible mantra, "I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible." This puts responsibility squarely on your shoulders, even in weakness, because there is always someone who is feeling worse than or has it worse than your circumstances. You are not unique, you are not special, you are a human being that experiences and connects with other human beings.

I wish you luck, and thanks, you've reminded me of my responsibility to other people that I've forgotten these past few days as I sit frustrated in my own issues.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sounds like their problem... Come on, what kind of friend dumps you because you're a little crazy? (ok, after the third time, I don't know if I'd stick around either.) Hard times show you who your real friends are, but you need to return the favor. Besides, Ambien isn't particularly lethal. I knew a guy who abused ambien, he would snort 2 or 3 pills and go out to clubs and be half-passed out on the wall and/or floor. Which was all well and good until some guy punched him in the face (either for looking too gay or getting a little too physical, I wasn't there and can't remember exactly how the story went). The guy got bounced but it gave him short-term amnesia for about a day after, he didn't know where he was or what season it was and kept asking us over and over.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Awwww...

Fuck them and fuck people like Cyn. They have no clue what its like.

You can't do anything to fix it, they've got to come around and realise what d-bags they're being.

*I* want you around ametc.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I know what you WANT to hear is words of comfort but what you NEED to hear is the truth.

I'm bi-polar. I know all about feeling suicidal. But it wasn't/isn't about being unhappy or lonely, it's because i'm straight up mentally ill. And yet, after years of terrible downswings, I haven't attempted to take my own life before because whenever my body is fucking with me - and it does often - I do the responsible thing and get help.

Life is hard. Everyone is dealt and hand and works with it. And responsibility is, as Cynth says, solely on your shoulders. I don't know you. I don't know what kind of life you've had. But you make the choice to heal or to suffer. If your body makes them for you, then counter it with something you can control - medication, psychologists, group therapy, etc. Make that commitment to move forward, not just to "keep hanging on". Seriously.

If you make a lifestyle change that shows you are committed to healing, your family should hopefully recognize it and over time become less defensive.

Such is life dear. I wish I could tell you maneuvering it is simpler but you know it's not. Just help yourself out more by holding yourself accountable, being responsible regarding your mental health, and expand personally as a means of finding answers instead of just "waiting for the hammer to fall".

Good luck; we're here.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeraph View Post
Awwww...

Fuck them and fuck people like Cyn. They have no clue what its like.

You can't do anything to fix it, they've got to come around and realise what d-bags they're being.

*I* want you around ametc.
I do have a clue what it's like, from at least 3 different sides. I have my own demons to fight each and every day thank you very much.

but wait? you mean that ametc has no culpability or responsibility? her friends and family are just being douche bags because they just feel like it and they'll just magically come around???? No work or effort needed for ametc from your position I see. Just stick around on the planet because Zeraph wants her around...

sorry that's a load of crap you're selling and I'm not buying it.

This isn't her first attempt this is the THIRD.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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of course your family and friends are tired of you, you have pushed their emotions to the limits. that doesn't mean they don't love you or want you. if they didn't love you or value you, they wouldn't care that you tried to off yourself. do not take this the wrong way: i don't know you, you are a name on a screen, so i don't care that you tried to off yourself, i'm not tired of you. if you tried to kill yourself 75 times i still wouldn't care, so i still wouldn't be tired of you. i'd stop listening to you after try #3 though. see the difference and what i'm getting at? they love you and care for you, and seeing you like this is taking it's toll on them, and they are tired.

like it or not, Cynthetiq is right. you need to fix yourself, and once you do, you will understand what's going on, and eventually you will be able to mend relationships. you might not fix them all, but that is that. i've burned others, and i've been burned, and now there are relationships that will never be fixed. that's just natural.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Sorry, you guys don't have a clue. End of story.

Don't listen to em ametc.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Zeraph are you being sarcastic?

ametc, you should take a short walk and think of one reason and one reason only, why do others get to you? I remember your thread where you were fired because a nurse was giving you shit and the other thread about you feeling like a mooch.

First things first, invest time in yourself and STOP feeling like your doing something wrong without actually doing anything about it. Get yourself busy in something, anything at all to keep you active. Life is about living. The little frustrations of workplace stress, dog shitting on your lawn and spilling coffee on your dress must not get to you. It IS part of life.

Get out there and live your life to the fullest and I guarantee you that this will fix relationships that you want fixed. They will in turn forgive you because you lived and apparently can walk by yourself. If your independence means nothing to your family by then, well then, you DON'T want a relationship with them.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeraph View Post
Sorry, you guys don't have a clue. End of story.

Don't listen to em ametc.
I had to leave school my senior year because I was so sick. I have been to a therapist since I was twelve. I've been on a combination of anti-anxiety and heavy psychotics for as long as I can remember. I wake up everyday feeling lost, alone, empty, and then all of a sudden I feel invincible four weeks later. Sometimes I wake up and wish I hadn't; I'll stay in bed for a week watching movies I've seen over and over again. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the day and have no idea what is happening or how I got there but I'm in the middle of a conversation, or driving, or whatever. I imagine things that aren't there. I ruin relationships because I'm obsessive and clingy, then all of a sudden I'm detached and apathetic. I've spent most of my life in this state of constant flailing; like I'm drowning.

I get it. And a lack of accountability is the problem. Everyone has a choice.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Xerxys Fuck no. And you guys and your two bit pop psych bullshit advice need to step the fuck out.

thespian86 your problem is not ametc's
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Zeraph View Post
Xerxys Fuck no. And you guys and your two bit pop psych bullshit advice need to step the fuck out.

thespian86 your problem is not ametc's
No. I'm simply proving I know what I'm talking about.

Suicide is preventable. You are responsible for your own decisions. We could sit here and say "it'll all be better, just hang on" but that's bullshit. This person's life is at risk and I'm telling her that it doesn't have to be. She needs professional help, not sympathy. But most of all, she needs to help herself; and that begins with accountability.

I've been here before. I've done the blame game. I've lived in my head. But no one cares about my head, they care about my actions. My mental illness is not a license to live willy-nilly. No matter what Ametc's going through, NO MATTER WHAT, it is fixable.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If one of my friends or family members tried to kill themselves over and over, I'd be pretty frustrated and ready to give up too. You're selfishly fucking with others' emotions and that shit's hard to deal with.

It sounds to me like you're not trying to off yourself, you're crying out for help and then denying said help when it comes.

It really can't be said better than cyn said it: Fix yourself and then work on your relationships with others.

I don't mean to be a dick, but you need to stop this for your own, and those around you's sake. Either finish the deed and let the people you care about be hurt, but eventually move on, or get a helmet, deal with life, and stop trying to bring those you care about down.

******************************************

For the record, I have been through very similar situations in my life. It took very blunt, honest advice like I just gave to open my eyes. That's why I offer the same to you.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:08 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I'm trying to look at this from Zeraph's point of view and I do realize that ametc problem now is the unanimous feeling of discord from her immediate peers, but still, this is the third time.

I agree that she needs support. But I have to ask the OP, have you showed any signs of not following or participating in the regimen laid out for you by your doctors?If not then I agree with Zeraph, your friends and family are being total douches and you need to have a sit down with the people that matter and tell them you need support at this time.

Not to trivialize what your going through but people do get jaded, whether it be SAT tests, chemotherapy and even suicide attempts.

Not only is your family jaded but your friends are scared too. They don't know if they caused it, they don't know what caused it, they have no idea what will happen if they are around you or not. You need to have a sit down with them too.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:10 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm tired. You guys see this situation about as well as a mule's ass.

I hope you stick around ametc.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:26 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeraph View Post
I'm tired. You guys see this situation about as well as a mule's ass.

I hope you stick around ametc.
I'd be terribly offended that you just called my whole life experience short sighted but whats the point.

Ametc, I'm sorry this became an argument of ideologies but it always does here; get some help. Get some help and commit to it. That's all you can do.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:34 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Zeraph, you've discounted the other posters and called ametc's family/friends d-bags for their actions.
I'm curious what you think she should do.

I deal with a lot of suicide attempts and suicidal people at my work. Some of them are such regulars I almost have their SS# memorized. Repeated attempts are very draining for people with no emotional attachments so I can only imagine it is even more so for family/friends. Repeated attempts start to feel like "Hey look at me! Pay attention to me!" attempts than an actual desire to kill ones self. Very few repeaters do/take anything that would be fatal. Most take enough to get a couple rounds of activated charcoal/a few sutures and a few days in a psych facility. The ones that are truly suicidal never make it to see me.

amtec, I don't pretend to know you or what your problems are but there has been some good advice passed in this thread based on my experiences and observations.
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:23 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Amtec, I can only hope that your friends and family do love you and care about you the way you deserve. But what you're doing to them is cruel. You probably don't mean it that way, or even necessarily think of it that way. But it is.

Believe me, I sympathize with you. When I was young, I had a couple of evenings of looking myself in the mirror and trying to find reasons to keep living. And I know how hard that can be, and I am not belittling your experience.

But ultimately, you have to make a choice. If you'll forgive a quote from "The Shawshank Redemption," you've got to 'get busy living or get busy dying.' If you really, really wanted to die, I think you'd probably have done it by now. That means that deep down, you really want to live. So you've got to embrace that. You have to claim it, and go with it.

I don't know what will break your cycle, but you will have to be the one to break it, one way or the other. Maybe it will be as simple as taking better anti-depressants and going to counseling. But maybe you should think about life changes. Move someplace else. Do something else. Go back to school. Get religion. Or join the Peace Corps. But you need change. You need to energize your commitment to live by shaking up your life.

And more than that, you need to believe in yourself. Death will stop looking attractive as soon as you believe you can successfully live this life.

You are a living human being, which means you are full of ideas, of thoughts, of passions, of free will, of limitless possibilities. The downside is that the world can be a hard place to live in, if you allow it to be; and life can be harsh, sometimes will you or nill you. But no one is put into this world without the ability to live through it. This is your one chance to live a complete human lifetime as you. Don't give it up, and don't let it slip away.
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:50 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Zeraph it seems there is a definite disconnect between what everyone else is saying and you. I'd like to say, there is a disconnect between what they are saying what you are saying, but you are not offering anything here other than, "they are wrong", "they don't know shit", etc.

How about letting ametc (and by extension the rest of us) in on what you think of all ametc's post? Rather than just shitting all over everyone's honest appraisal of the situation, why not offer up your opposing view?

It's rather difficult to have a discussion with someone who isn't discussing anything.
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Old 06-12-2009, 02:06 AM   #20 (permalink)
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ametc, I'm sorry for your troubles. Though there is a selfish side to what you have done, there is also an incredible amount of suffering and inability to cope.

Though I understand the position of your relatives and family, I also think that you are quite ill and that you do need help and support.

I have no idea how you can get out of this cycle of self-abuse. Clearly you don't value yourself or your life enough to want to stick around.

Sure, it is terrible to hurt those people that care about you. But I can see how, when you're in the depths of despair and feel like your life isn't worth it, that all blurs into the background and all you can see is the relief of simply not being there anymore.

I also think that, this being your 3rd attempt, that by now you are doing it not only because of pain or distress, but to get attention. That is what is making your loved ones angry. They want to help, but by now they think you have little chance of ever stopping this downward spiral. And they probably think that you want to be miserable. Maybe you do.

Maybe you need to talk to people and tell them what you need and hope for. Sharing is incredibly relieving, and it can also make you see things differently. Taking your own life will only rob you of the chance of experiencing this amazing condition that is life, with all the physical and emotional sensations it can offer, and leave those who love you feeling they were unable to reach you and show you they care. Life is amazing. Find a way to live it that makes the most of what it has to offer. Everyone has something to give to the world.

Good luck fighting this.
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Old 06-12-2009, 03:50 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ametc View Post
So.. long story short: I overdosed on Ambien about two weeks ago and went to the mental hospital and all that. this is my third time.

I'm going to outpatient group therapy everyday for six hours for addiction and mood management. I like it. but, that's not the problem I'm facing right now..

right now.. I feel like so many people are disappointed in me. A ton of my friends won't talk to me anymore. They won't hang out with me anymore. I also overheard my family having a discussion about me and they admitted to eachother that they're simply tired of me now.



I dunno what to do about this. How do I fix my relationship with people I've hurt through my suicide attempt?


Also.. I called the national suicide hotline and they put me on fucking HOLD.. for 15 minutes. Then, when they finally answered, they introduced themselves and put down the phone. WTF was that about?????? THX suicide hotline for making me feel even more unwanted! >:C
On October 5th, 2001, I flat lined from an intentional overdose. I've been in rehab for addiction and head issues 7 times since 1993. And I was finally diagnosed as bipolar 3-4 years ago. I know exactly what you're going through regarding your family and friends being fed up with your shit.

I envy you that you're able to start treatment. I'm in a rough patch right now and I'd kill to enroll in something. However it's just not an option for me atm. Treatment was wonderful, starting out as pure hell the first week or so but ending with me being discharged feeling refreshed. It's the only word I can think of to use. I had a positive outlook on life. I had goals. I actually felt happy to be alive. Focus on your treatment right now. No one else. Just you. Dedicate yourself to learning all you can. Be a sponge. If the program you'll be in is anything like the ones I've experienced, they'll include your family later on in family sessions and such. Only then should you veer your attention to their feelings about you.

After you're discharged, it's extremely important you keep connected with the program by hitting 12-Step programs. Even if you don't agree with them or don't want to follow them, go anyways. You need to be surrounded by others in your situation or worse in order for you to feel human.

I hope I helped some. Take care.
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Old 06-12-2009, 04:01 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Your friends and family just want your life to be great. And they're pretty resigned about that at this point. And, you know, if you can get their point of view about it, it makes good sense to be resigned about it at this point.

If you're going to turn yourself around, then do that. Focus on you first. Once you've got yourself operating with power, you can start to mend fence with others. Until then, let it just be background noise.
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Old 06-12-2009, 05:46 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Xerxys Fuck no. And you guys and your two bit pop psych bullshit advice need to step the fuck out.

thespian86 your problem is not ametc's
You need to check yourself and your emotions for a second. You are quite close to an infraction. You cannot simply tell people they are full of shit and don't know what they are talking about when they are trying to help. What advice have you offered other than don't listen to anyone?

Everyone handles things in a different manner, and sometimes it's nice to hear different perspectives especially when a subject matter like this comes up. It is quite possible to fix feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts. The truth is more important than blowing rainbows up someone's ass because they are in a vulnerable position. Anyone who has tried to commit suicide is more than culpable in the handling of their problems. If I have to point to another member, then I can point to La Petite Moi. She had personal demons for years and finally found something that worked for her and helped her get over her medical problems as well as her psychological problems.

So please, if you're going to do nothing in this thread except tell people to step the fuck out or to shut the fuck up, then YOU need to not enter this thread again.

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Old 06-13-2009, 02:40 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Thx for all your guyses' input.. and ~plz don't argue~ :P but I spoke with my boyfriend about it and how he felt because he seems to not have cared.. but it turned out that he really did care. to the point where he wanted to break up with me.. because it felt like I didn't care about him. but.. of course I cared about him... I just didn't realize that what I was doing would hurt him or anybody else.

Also, yesterday at group therapy we learned that most of the suffering we go through is caused by ourselves and that we have the power to change this.. and I don't know if I already knew this or not.. but the way the lecturer made it no-BS and forced ourselves to find out that within ourselves we were stubborn to let things go. It's hard to explain, but it opened my eyes and made me think, "Wow.. Suicide was so stupid.. SO stupid... there was so much more I could've done..."



I also realize that while what I did was selfish... what they're doing to me is also selfish. My family and I have spoken and I understand now that they do care and the friends that continue talking with me are my true friends.. and he ones that don't talkto me are of no worth to me.

I suppose I've lost some trust in everybody I know... but in session I was told by EVERYBODY that it's not about me making others happy.. it's about me making myself happy. And that concept is still a little hard because I want to please EVERYBODY AND me. At the same time. Apparently, from what I'm told, that's impossible and just helping others will leave me uncared for.


This third attempt has been more eye opening that the other two.. and I hope I never become blind and stupid ever again.
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Old 06-13-2009, 03:01 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Thx for all your guyses' input.. and ~plz don't argue~ :P but I spoke with my boyfriend about it and how he felt because he seems to not have cared.. but it turned out that he really did care. to the point where he wanted to break up with me.. because it felt like I didn't care about him. but.. of course I cared about him... I just didn't realize that what I was doing would hurt him or anybody else.

Also, yesterday at group therapy we learned that most of the suffering we go through is caused by ourselves and that we have the power to change this.. and I don't know if I already knew this or not.. but the way the lecturer made it no-BS and forced ourselves to find out that within ourselves we were stubborn to let things go. It's hard to explain, but it opened my eyes and made me think, "Wow.. Suicide was so stupid.. SO stupid... there was so much more I could've done..."



I also realize that while what I did was selfish... what they're doing to me is also selfish. My family and I have spoken and I understand now that they do care and the friends that continue talking with me are my true friends.. and he ones that don't talkto me are of no worth to me.

I suppose I've lost some trust in everybody I know... but in session I was told by EVERYBODY that it's not about me making others happy.. it's about me making myself happy. And that concept is still a little hard because I want to please EVERYBODY AND me. At the same time. Apparently, from what I'm told, that's impossible and just helping others will leave me uncared for.


This third attempt has been more eye opening that the other two.. and I hope I never become blind and stupid ever again.
I promise you that the greatest gift you will ever receive is something you give yourself; it's the ability to listen without prejudging or being defensive. I'm very, very, very proud that you listened and I feel you started a very healthy new lifestyle for yourself. AS LONG AS THIS IS PERSISTENT and you don't lose that consistency. It will be hard; persevere because everyone must.

And you're right again, that there has to be compromise. I work shitty day jobs because I choose to be an artist. My life would be "simpler" if I didn't choose that lifestyle, but it can't work both ways; I can't get the simpler life and the lifestyle. The thing is, young people in general put a lot of their life and time into personal truths, opinions, and "succeeding". When really it would be much healthier to recognize what you can't change, and focus on making yourself happy within that. You probably won't change THE world dear, but you can certainly control yours and that's powerful.

I'm glad you see that you were being selfish and realized that they too are acting out of confusion and hurt (not unlike your attempt itself). Just know that if this had been realized the first time around, there would be less precedent for their anger or indifference. That's fair, trust me. You did it three times and now you'll face the consequences of that; if you find it fair or not won't change it. You kind of have to live with it, no matter what you find to do so.

I'm also glad you are taking responsibility in recognizing that you are making decisions, the most POWERFUL decision, without really knowing anything about it. Of course he loves you. Of course you matter. But making rash decisions that will end your life is better fixed by saying to your boyfriend "I feel sad" or going to a therapist and saying "I feel suicidal because..." and here's why (this helped me through that phase of "I have to take care of myself" 20ish time).

Think of life like a car that you are driving. Of course you are driving and no one will ever take that wheel from you. You have the power to drive where you want, at what speed, what music to listen to, and who to let into your car. But outside of that car are things you cannot affect aside from your actions (ie: let's say, for example, crashing your car would be killing someone, stopping and letting a pedestrian go means giving someone a chance, whatever, it doesn't really matter). You need to recognize that sometimes shit happens on the road of life that you can't control: accidents, car failure, etc.

The best thing you can do is this: put passengers in your car. People who are sitting in a different part of the car and therefore have a different perspective. They can see blind spots you can't see. They can tell you a car is coming when you can't quite see around that obstruction yet. Yeah, you have self reflection and analytical thought (ie: the mirrors in your car) but that doesn't cover EVERYTHING. Life needs passengers. So sometimes you need to suck it up and say "I can't see if there's anything there. Is there something there?" And that's funny because that doesn't seem like a big, shameful act in driving a car. BUT IN LIFE! Oh jesus, don't you dare show that you're human! Don't let anyone know you might not see something. God knows you'll be rapped and stabbed and taken advantage of.

There is nothing shameful in failing because failing means you have a greater understanding of it. There is nothing wrong in not knowing and asking someone for some advice. That doesn't mean ASSUME that advice is infallible, but apply it and see if it works. But you mustn't get out of the car. You are part of the whole, and when you're gone we are missing what you have to contribute.

Hope that helps.
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Old 06-13-2009, 03:41 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ametc View Post
right now.. I feel like so many people are disappointed in me. A ton of my friends won't talk to me anymore. They won't hang out with me anymore. I also overheard my family having a discussion about me and they admitted to eachother that they're simply tired of me now.

I dunno what to do about this. How do I fix my relationship with people I've hurt through my suicide attempt?
Well, true to my form, I have a lot to say. Beware!

You can't worry about fixing relationships. You can't expend mental and emotional energy trying to fix things that are not YOU, yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit.

There are persons that are unfortunately surrounded by people, whether by blood or legally, that are not who they need in their life. I would be suspect if you said this is the first incidence of negativity from your family. It is possible that your family is playing a role in your depression and suicidal thoughts and you are not even aware of it. There is no shame or anything wrong with ceasing communication with those who cause you further pain.

Uncconditional love is something we read about, watch in movies and hope for. Many experience this from their parents. But there are many who don't. There is no law that says you are provided with unconditional love from a parent, sibling or other loved one. Some people have to make or create their own family, surrounding themselves with those who love them, unconditionally.

If you have a ton of friends that won't talk to you anymore, than they were not true friends to begin with. I know that is hard to hear, and hard to accept, but if that is what is happening, then it's true.

We are the company that we keep.

Surround yourself with those who love you. They may be someone you met yesterday, or tomorrow. But they are not necessarily related to you by blood or legally.

Look into who you are as a person. You DO have a special quality, maybe more than one. You ARE important, you just haven't found where your niche is.

We look for unconditional love around us, but it begins with every person loving themselves unconditionally. Until you can do that, you can't expect anyone else to.
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Old 06-13-2009, 08:45 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Forgive me for being a parrot...take care of yourself first, get a grip on your life before worrying about your family and friends. Of course it's easier said than done, but it's worth doing.
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:10 PM   #28 (permalink)
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It's kind of ironic when you're told to "take care of yourself first" when attempting suicide is also a very selfish act. But they are different sides of the same coin.
We become so immersed in whatever inner hell we're going thru that the only thing we see and feel and experience is our own pain. We obssess with the thought that no one cares, emotions become numb, but we do nothing else but dwell on the numbness. Insert vicious spiral.

Your family and friends are at a loss as to what to do to make you come out of the self-enveloping cave you created. That is where "take care of yourself first" comes from. It also might be their way of protecting themselves from the pain they may get from losing you, some misguided thought that if they act like they don't care, it won't hurt so bad. In other words, resigned acceptance.

We do create ripples that affect everyone around us, even if you feel like you aren't.
In order to "heal yourself" you have to break down walls. Your therapist sounds like a keeper.
No one has the power to control our lives but ourselves. Our choices must be made for the betterment of ourselves, but they affect everyone within your "pond".

I think you had 3 attempts not because you're unskilled at ending your life, but because you wanted to change it. A few years ago, my sister deliberately drove her car into a ditch. Her explanation: She wasn't attempting suicide, she just wanted a "time out" from where she was at that point in time. I'm glad she didn't hit the ditch too hard. Now she's a very successful costume designer and award winning doll maker and watched her two children graduate college.
Good luck. Things have a way of working out if we just open ourselves up to the possibilites. And leave the cave dwelling to bats.
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:45 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Location: I'm up they see me I'm down.
Look ametc, I don't know what your problems are, but whatever they are, I can guarantee you this: someone somewhere always has it better, and someone somewhere always has it worse. Such is life. Seeing as how you've "tried" three times to kill yourself, I've come to the conclusion that you don't want to die. If you wanted to die, you'd put a twelve gauge in your mouth and take of business the old fashioned way. So stop wasting the time of your friends and family and follow through with a decision. I'm not advocating suicide here, I just want you to think long and hard about what you want before you make make a decision that effects not only yourself, but those around you. If I was in your family, I wouldn't talk about you behind your back; I'd tell you to shape the fuck up or ship the fuck out.

Like Cynth said, you are not special. You are a human fucking being on a planet of trillions of human fucking beings, many of whom have the exact same thoughts. What you need is self-discipline and self-control, not copious amounts of sleeping pills.

Good luck mate; I hope you figure yourself out.
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Last edited by FelixP; 06-13-2009 at 10:56 PM..
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Old 06-14-2009, 07:28 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Location: Back in Ohio
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anormalguy View Post
Forgive me for being a parrot...take care of yourself first, get a grip on your life before worrying about your family and friends. Of course it's easier said than done, but it's worth doing.
This is the correct answer. Your boyfriend sounds like a good person, so he is cool. But you can make new friends in a few years. Don't worry about their issues, they should be trying to figure out how to make you feel better if they were nice friends.

Come up with a 1 year plan and 5 year plan of where you want to be in life and what you want to change. But, you never know what is going to happen in your life tomorrow or in the future..
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Old 06-15-2009, 09:39 AM   #31 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: venice beach, ca
i don't think this has been brought up in so many words, but the reason your friends aren't talking to you is because it hurts too much to do it. if you've tried to do this 3 times now, they have to be at a point where they're feeling helpless in being in any position to get you, their friend through some tough stuff, and that hurts... and on top of that, you're the one hurting them by trying to leave them. at this point, they're saying "it's only a matter of time", and it's up to you to prove them wrong and even more importantly, make sure you recover for your friends, to help them. put them before you, and don't be selfish enough to leave them in this world missing you and the stories you could have shared with them.
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Old 06-15-2009, 09:58 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by high_jinx View Post
...at this point, they're saying "it's only a matter of time", and it's up to you to prove them wrong and even more importantly, make sure you recover for your friends, to help them...
I love your words here, high_jinx.

Amtec, you're a great person. You need to work through these demons. Everyone who has commented here knows you can do it.
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Old 06-15-2009, 10:35 AM   #33 (permalink)
Sitting in a tree
 
Location: Atlanta
Quote:
Originally Posted by high_jinx View Post
...more importantly, make sure you recover for your friends, to help them. put them before you, and don't be selfish enough to leave them in this world missing you and the stories you could have shared with them.
Although it's very important to take others' feelings into consideration when it involves such selfish and drastic acts as suicide, it's pretty much too late for that. Right now, the op and her issues need to come first in her life. Making amends should come later when she's more stabilized. Not only my opinion, but it's just been my experience that this is how it's done while under professional care in treatment.
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Old 06-16-2009, 09:36 AM   #34 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: venice beach, ca
Quote:
Although it's very important to take others' feelings into consideration when it involves such selfish and drastic acts as suicide, it's pretty much too late for that. Right now, the op and her issues need to come first in her life. Making amends should come later when she's more stabilized. Not only my opinion, but it's just been my experience that this is how it's done while under professional care in treatment.
i understand what you're saying, but the entire op is about a yearning to re-connect with the friends that have backed off. although i'm only given a limited amount of info to go on, my guess is that there's been ample treatment up to and through these 3 calls for help when it comes to baggage and stabilization. if the op wants to re-connect with friends and doing so can possibly inspire them to stop jerking them around by trying to leave them in this life, i'm all for it. optimally a person finds enough reason to finish out their run on this planet within themselves, but if you have to find it in the fact that you'd be seriously hurting people that you care about and who care about you, that'll still get the job done.

i know if i were all alone i'd be much more likely to quit in a rough patch than if i had to think about what that would do to my friends and family, and not breaking their hearts would be more motivating than anything i could come up with my self in a lot of cases.
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Old 06-16-2009, 10:15 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Location: Spokane, WA
I know people are quick to walk on eggshells around the topic of suicide, but i've had friends and family members of said friends commit suicide and honestly, it just pisses me off to know why they did it. I don't care if your gf left you, and you lost your job, if life kicks you in the balls, you just get up and brush yourself off and deal with it.

I'd be tired of you too if you tried to commit suicide several times. What do you expect? you're basically saying "fuck you, none of you mean enough to me to want to live anyway" so why should they trouble themselves with you? you've committed the biggest slap to the face imaginable.

If you want them to be your friend, if you want them to care about you, you need to become a worthwhile person without them there babying each step and holding your hand for it. Once you've established that baseline, move on with your life, make new friends, start over.

if they want to be your friend, they will be.
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Old 06-17-2009, 08:08 PM   #36 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Suicide doesn't stem from only one thing. It's not that simple. I'm taking an addictions course and everybody in it agreed with me that it stems from numerous issues and instant gratification is what I guess I wanted when I tried to commit suicide.

I had a breakdown today at therapy when I felt unable to do an exercise (we had to hold our breath and I couldn't do it). I was the first to breath and though I KNEW it was because my asthma makes me unable to hold my breath for very long, my mind teased me and put me down. My mind is not my friend.. it is a separate person who likes to point out my faults every chance it gets.

I'm realy liking the therapy.. it's probably one of the best programs I've been to. I'm going to continue to tell you guys how it's going just in case you ever want to know how to or how people like me can cope through tough times, depression, and life after a suicide attempt.

I really like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and how they preach about acceptance (acknowledgement without judgment), commitment (with consistency), and mindfulness (living in the moment) and I love a saying they mentioned the other day: "The past belongs to God, the future belongs to the Universe, and the present belongs to you." It's something I like to remember when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
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Old 06-18-2009, 12:57 AM   #37 (permalink)
Confused Adult
 
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Location: Spokane, WA
we're all the best at making ourselves feel like shit because no one else is nearly as honest.

anytime I put myself down, I treat it like a challenge to improve, if my mind complains that I'm fat, I have 3 choices.
be like
"hell no, i'll show you" and work it off
or i can sit there and get depressed and emo and hurt about my hurtful yet true observation, or.... I can just not care, and not do anything about it.

of course, that's all altered by the reality of your perspective. if you have some sort of bulimic / anorexic outlook on yourself, then both option 1 and 2 are probably equally as bad for you.
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