|
Thx for all your guyses' input.. and ~plz don't argue~ :P but I spoke with my boyfriend about it and how he felt because he seems to not have cared.. but it turned out that he really did care. to the point where he wanted to break up with me.. because it felt like I didn't care about him. but.. of course I cared about him... I just didn't realize that what I was doing would hurt him or anybody else.
Also, yesterday at group therapy we learned that most of the suffering we go through is caused by ourselves and that we have the power to change this.. and I don't know if I already knew this or not.. but the way the lecturer made it no-BS and forced ourselves to find out that within ourselves we were stubborn to let things go. It's hard to explain, but it opened my eyes and made me think, "Wow.. Suicide was so stupid.. SO stupid... there was so much more I could've done..."
I also realize that while what I did was selfish... what they're doing to me is also selfish. My family and I have spoken and I understand now that they do care and the friends that continue talking with me are my true friends.. and he ones that don't talkto me are of no worth to me.
I suppose I've lost some trust in everybody I know... but in session I was told by EVERYBODY that it's not about me making others happy.. it's about me making myself happy. And that concept is still a little hard because I want to please EVERYBODY AND me. At the same time. Apparently, from what I'm told, that's impossible and just helping others will leave me uncared for.
This third attempt has been more eye opening that the other two.. and I hope I never become blind and stupid ever again.
|