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Originally Posted by ametc
Thx for all your guyses' input.. and ~plz don't argue~ :P but I spoke with my boyfriend about it and how he felt because he seems to not have cared.. but it turned out that he really did care. to the point where he wanted to break up with me.. because it felt like I didn't care about him. but.. of course I cared about him... I just didn't realize that what I was doing would hurt him or anybody else.
Also, yesterday at group therapy we learned that most of the suffering we go through is caused by ourselves and that we have the power to change this.. and I don't know if I already knew this or not.. but the way the lecturer made it no-BS and forced ourselves to find out that within ourselves we were stubborn to let things go. It's hard to explain, but it opened my eyes and made me think, "Wow.. Suicide was so stupid.. SO stupid... there was so much more I could've done..."
I also realize that while what I did was selfish... what they're doing to me is also selfish. My family and I have spoken and I understand now that they do care and the friends that continue talking with me are my true friends.. and he ones that don't talkto me are of no worth to me.
I suppose I've lost some trust in everybody I know... but in session I was told by EVERYBODY that it's not about me making others happy.. it's about me making myself happy. And that concept is still a little hard because I want to please EVERYBODY AND me. At the same time. Apparently, from what I'm told, that's impossible and just helping others will leave me uncared for.
This third attempt has been more eye opening that the other two.. and I hope I never become blind and stupid ever again.
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I promise you that the greatest gift you will ever receive is something you give yourself; it's the ability to listen without prejudging or being defensive. I'm very, very, very proud that you listened and I feel you started a very healthy new lifestyle for yourself. AS LONG AS THIS IS PERSISTENT and you don't lose that consistency. It will be hard; persevere because everyone must.
And you're right again, that there has to be compromise. I work shitty day jobs because I choose to be an artist. My life would be "simpler" if I didn't choose that lifestyle, but it can't work both ways; I can't get the simpler life and the lifestyle. The thing is, young people in general put a lot of their life and time into personal truths, opinions, and "succeeding". When really it would be much healthier to recognize what you can't change, and focus on making yourself happy within that. You probably won't change THE world dear, but you can certainly control yours and that's powerful.
I'm glad you see that you were being selfish and realized that they too are acting out of confusion and hurt (not unlike your attempt itself). Just know that if this had been realized the first time around, there would be less precedent for their anger or indifference. That's fair, trust me. You did it three times and now you'll face the consequences of that; if you find it fair or not won't change it. You kind of have to live with it, no matter what you find to do so.
I'm also glad you are taking responsibility in recognizing that you are making decisions, the most POWERFUL decision, without really knowing anything about it. Of course he loves you. Of course you matter. But making rash decisions that will end your life is better fixed by saying to your boyfriend "I feel sad" or going to a therapist and saying "I feel suicidal because..." and here's why (this helped me through that phase of "I have to take care of myself" 20ish time).
Think of life like a car that you are driving. Of course you are driving and no one will ever take that wheel from you. You have the power to drive where you want, at what speed, what music to listen to, and who to let into your car. But outside of that car are things you cannot affect aside from your actions (ie: let's say, for example, crashing your car would be killing someone, stopping and letting a pedestrian go means giving someone a chance, whatever, it doesn't really matter). You need to recognize that sometimes shit happens on the road of life that you can't control: accidents, car failure, etc.
The best thing you can do is this: put passengers in your car. People who are sitting in a different part of the car and therefore have a different perspective. They can see blind spots you can't see. They can tell you a car is coming when you can't quite see around that obstruction yet. Yeah, you have self reflection and analytical thought (ie: the mirrors in your car) but that doesn't cover EVERYTHING. Life needs passengers. So sometimes you need to suck it up and say "I can't see if there's anything there. Is there something there?" And that's funny because that doesn't seem like a big, shameful act in driving a car. BUT IN LIFE! Oh jesus, don't you dare show that you're human! Don't let anyone know you might not see something. God knows you'll be rapped and stabbed and taken advantage of.
There is nothing shameful in failing because failing means you have a greater understanding of it. There is nothing wrong in not knowing and asking someone for some advice. That doesn't mean ASSUME that advice is infallible, but apply it and see if it works. But you mustn't get out of the car. You are part of the whole, and when you're gone we are missing what you have to contribute.
Hope that helps.