Amtec, I can only hope that your friends and family do love you and care about you the way you deserve. But what you're doing to them is cruel. You probably don't mean it that way, or even necessarily think of it that way. But it is.
Believe me, I sympathize with you. When I was young, I had a couple of evenings of looking myself in the mirror and trying to find reasons to keep living. And I know how hard that can be, and I am not belittling your experience.
But ultimately, you have to make a choice. If you'll forgive a quote from "The Shawshank Redemption," you've got to 'get busy living or get busy dying.' If you really, really wanted to die, I think you'd probably have done it by now. That means that deep down, you really want to live. So you've got to embrace that. You have to claim it, and go with it.
I don't know what will break your cycle, but you will have to be the one to break it, one way or the other. Maybe it will be as simple as taking better anti-depressants and going to counseling. But maybe you should think about life changes. Move someplace else. Do something else. Go back to school. Get religion. Or join the Peace Corps. But you need change. You need to energize your commitment to live by shaking up your life.
And more than that, you need to believe in yourself. Death will stop looking attractive as soon as you believe you can successfully live this life.
You are a living human being, which means you are full of ideas, of thoughts, of passions, of free will, of limitless possibilities. The downside is that the world can be a hard place to live in, if you allow it to be; and life can be harsh, sometimes will you or nill you. But no one is put into this world without the ability to live through it. This is your one chance to live a complete human lifetime as you. Don't give it up, and don't let it slip away.
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Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.
(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)
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