ametc, I'm sorry for your troubles. Though there is a selfish side to what you have done, there is also an incredible amount of suffering and inability to cope.
Though I understand the position of your relatives and family, I also think that you are quite ill and that you do need help and support.
I have no idea how you can get out of this cycle of self-abuse. Clearly you don't value yourself or your life enough to want to stick around.
Sure, it is terrible to hurt those people that care about you. But I can see how, when you're in the depths of despair and feel like your life isn't worth it, that all blurs into the background and all you can see is the relief of simply not being there anymore.
I also think that, this being your 3rd attempt, that by now you are doing it not only because of pain or distress, but to get attention. That is what is making your loved ones angry. They want to help, but by now they think you have little chance of ever stopping this downward spiral. And they probably think that you want to be miserable. Maybe you do.
Maybe you need to talk to people and tell them what you need and hope for. Sharing is incredibly relieving, and it can also make you see things differently. Taking your own life will only rob you of the chance of experiencing this amazing condition that is life, with all the physical and emotional sensations it can offer, and leave those who love you feeling they were unable to reach you and show you they care. Life is amazing. Find a way to live it that makes the most of what it has to offer. Everyone has something to give to the world.
Good luck fighting this.
