match000

My gf of 1 month (21) is back home, and her ex from highschool (they were bf/gf in grade 9 only) messaged her that he is may be visiting where she is.. she told him something along the lines of: "OH OK! you HAVE to let me know if you come here.. i'll take you to ehrm.. lots of places!"

I'm thinking that for me, as her bf, having my gf hang out 1-1 with her ex is not an idea I like at all. Heck, I dont even like the way she responded.. sounds like she still likes the guy!

Is her hanging out with him 1-1 going too far, or am I just being too insecure?

ps. i know what she said not cuz she told me but cuz i have login access

I'm thinking that this is actually a perfect chance to test her faith in me.. if she goes out with him and tells me about it..

pig

something fishy here match. without more context, no one can really say if you have reason to worry about. in general, i wouldn't worry if my lady friend was hanging out with another guy, 1 on 1, regardless of whether he was an ex or not. i mean, do you trust her or not? and this issue with logging in to her email doesn't sound like a good idea at all. why are you snooping around on her?

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Supple Cow

Why do you have login access, dude?

match000

Ahh.. here is the reason I am snooping. I had a HUGE PROBLEMS with her from the get-go.. which I did not talk about on TFP:


Before our relationship started as bf/gf, I asked her if she had been seeing anyone else. Answer "Nope. No other guys."

2 days into relationship, caught her messaging some guy. Pressed her about it. Found out in Feb, she had been seeing him. He was 27. She wanted him to be bf. He said no. He still took advantage of her multiple times (sex) and used her. This was all 1 month before *our* relationship started..

So she lied to me once, that she had not been seeing another guy.

I got super mad. Lectured her. Told her he used her. Etc.

So I asked her if she had used protection. She said "yes".

Then later I coerced more details out of her. Found out he had UNPROTECTED sex with her. I got SUPER SUPER mad. Explained to her the health risk (STD's), since up till then she had only been worried about pregnancy.

So second time she lied to me.


Yes. I got super mad. Considered breakup, etc. I couldn't take the lost of trust or lack thereof. But I said I would try again, since she promised she would "never lie to me again" and would be "as best a gf for me as she could".

pig

well, i'd say you're up against trust issues that you simply have to confront. people will be people. if you can't trust her, due to her personality or your own, then i think you've got your answer. but i wouldn't keep seeing someone if i felt like i had to check their email all the time. i mean, frankly it wouldn't get to that point, because i wouldn't check someone else's email to keep tabs on them.

out of context, the first thing i can understand; perhaps she thought you meant "seeing someone at the time." as to your interpretation, in that the guy "used her," perhaps she wanted to be "used." no one likes to hear that, and very rarely will a girl admit if, particularly if you're clearly interested in "dating" her and the guy she was with before was interested only in fucking her. i've run into it before myself. the second one sounds like something she isn't/wasn't proud of, and maybe wanted to not admit to herself. regardless, something is sounding very not right in a relationship where y'all are hung up on previous relationships / encounters and you're feeling the need to interrogate her about things. its a setup for bad times. cold pricklies. no fun. i'd say either decide to go all in and support her, realizing she's human and may fuck up or not live up to whatever your expectations of her are, or bail now and find someone you're more compatible with.

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Sultana

Dude, she was this guys' boyfriend in NINTH GRADE, and you have issues with her being happy to see him what, 5 years later?

I think that's ridiculous.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

absorbentishe

You have trust issues for sure. But, it was 9 years ago. Just press for details, but if you are this insecure now, it will only get worse before it gets better.

Either trust her, or leave her.

FallenAvatar

^^ I concur.

I can tell you happen to have QUITE a few trust issues, seriously. If it bothers you then it is something you should speak to her about; however, realize you're a month into a relationship and your snooping around, you're insecure, and you're about to the point in which you're going to try and make demands, none of which are going to work. Cool off, talk to her and address your concern(s) if you wish to but take that step very carefully and slowly.

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Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

tooth

Normally I'd say the same thing, BUT given the text of her response to said 9th grade ex, AND considering her earlier deceits in this relationship, I'd say kick her to the curb and don't look back.

Bill O'Rights

Yeeeaaah...well, I'd agree with that...99% of the time.

However...
in this case I feel that it's a moot point.

It's already over. I see no real point in continuing...do you?

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Jinn

"Trust issues"? Bullshit. Did you not read the story? She lied about dating the other guy, she lied about having unprotected sex with him..

It would be a "trust issue" if it were unfounded. Right now, it's just that she's a liar!

I agree with you on this one match.. after the garbage at the beginning, I see no reason you should trust her in this instance..

And quite frankly, I'm not sure while you're still with her.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Sultana

Hello, that does not sound like she was seeing the first guy when he asked her if she was seeing anyone. Maybe he meant to ask if she was a virgin?

"Used her"? A) where do you get off telling her anything like that, and B) she needs someone else to tell her she was being "used"?

So I asked her if she had used protection. She said "yes".

Wow. Being super mad at your gf (although I can understand being mad if she said she didn't have unprotected sex, and then had sex with you, although you haven't stated if that was the case), explaining to her how she was being "used", you sneak and read her texts to others, talk about *testing* her...to me it sounds like you are more her dad than her boyfriend, and that doesn't sound like a good/satisfying situation for either of you.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

match000

Sorry I don't really understand what you mean. When I asked that, I meant, "are you dating someone now or recently?" To which she replied "No. " Which was a lie since it was mid-March and she saw that guy from Feb to mid-March.

Sure, I may be a bit presumptuous to do so, but her 4 close friends (2 girls 2 guys) got mad at her for going out with this guy. One of the four, her very best friend, got so mad at her (he's gay) that he spent about 30 hours arguing with her. Eventually they all gave up and just let her have her way (go out with him and yada yada).

When I appeared on the scene as a "suitor", her friends all liked me and gave her the go-ahead for me..

PS. They didnt' like the guy b/c he didnt meet my gf in person. He creepily sent a pick-up line facebook message and then they had a long message exchange after that. Her friends found the guy so creepy they hated him. They met him in person and he was extermely condescending.. her best friends' opinions were he just wanted to use her for sex. Which is true, since after he met a few other girls, he messaged them the same type of facebook pickup-line message..

Yes, I agree, I am kinda like a 'dad' aren't I. I care for her alot. Alot. I don't feel happy at all having to sneak read her messages. But I can't help it. I'm feeling a lack of trust.. Just when we were doing good, she had to send a reply to her Ex that sounds like she still has feelings for him (exact wording):
"REALY!!!! You HAVE to let me know if you come here okai???? I'll take you to...errhm....places in ______!!!"

What am I supposed to do? Hella annoyed/confused right now...

abaya

Break up with her. No, really. Don't waste any more time on this one.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Sultana

Ooops, I was confusing--I screwed up the quoting (getting too fancy, lol!). I meant the first part to be a response to another poster. In the end it doesn't really matter, heh.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

dirtyrascal7

First and foremost... learn from this experience. If you pay attention and don't get caught up in the drama, there are a few key lessons that will help you out in relationships tremendously later on.

1. While they are justified in this case, I agree with Sultana that you have some trust issues. When it comes to relationships, guys and girls might as well speak different languages because what you mean to say is rarely what she will hear (and visa versa). Misunderstandings happen ALL the time, and you have to give them the benefit of the doubt or else you'll drive yourself crazy trying to dig up the absolute truth. Always remember that there are two sides to every story, so don't assume anything.

2. Acting like a father figure in a relationship, especially one so new, is a sure way to push her away and end up single. Successful relationships are based on balance, and talking down to her and lecturing her (whether justified or not) disturbs that balance and will cause you both to get "hella annoyed/confused".

3. This girl is obviously deceptive and has no shame in hiding things to get what she wants. You do not want to date this type of girl. Period. End things gracefully then call her in about 3 or 4 years and see if she has matured... that is the best option you have if you want things to work out with her.

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match000

I'm still with her because she told me she told me she was falling in love with me and she constantly calls me to talk and tell me she loves me.. and when it comes down to it, all I want is a girl that I can love and that loves me (and me only) just as much back.. and I thought I was getting that.

The Ex thing, if she actually goes out with him (takes him places) 1-1, and she DOES NOT tell me... then I will know the truth, that she still likes (loves?) him..

If she *does* go out, and tells me, at least thats a start.. But I will tell her that I am not happy that she is hanging out with her ex.

Today I had a potluck dinner with some of our mutual friends (including single girls), and when I told my gf about it, she was like "uh huh" and sounded kind of jealous. I said: "What, I'm hanging out in a group, and I would never go out 1-1 with another girl." I waited for her to tell me about her plans to see her Ex if he went back home, and she paused for a second to think, but didn't tell me whatever was on her mind.. I asked "whats on your mind", and she said "oh nothing"..

I tested her, and she failed..

I'm thinking of a pre-emptive talk and telling her that while I am here alone, I do not go out 1-1 with girls, and that I think she should do the same..

pig

first match there is nothing wrong with going out with a member of the opposite sex 1-1. they're not only things with the differing genetalia than yourself, but they're also people. i don't think you're going to find much contentment worrying about that sort of thing. in fact, i think you'll go nuts.

i don't know that i'd necessarily ascribe her going out and not telling you as an indication of "cheating" or "lying" so to speak; she shouldn't technically have to tell you everyone she hangs out with. you'd think she would in a fully developed open relationship, but frankly i don't get the feeling you're really cultivating that kind of relationship. all these tests, all this sneakery...it doesn't look good from my point of view. all this concern for who she's going out with, when she's going out with them; that sort of concern is infectuous. you give off possessive jealous vibes that she picks up on. trust me. i'd almost guarrantee you do it. i've been there. i've seen it.

honestly, out of context, i see nothing wrong with her response to the message. she said she'd take him places in ...errrhh...wherever. does it have a lot of places for one to be taken? is it an exciting place where the decision should be obvious?

i agree with some others above that i think this relationship is probably sort of fucked in the short term; i disagree in putting it all on the girls side. i think its mutual. i think she's not being as honest and up front with you as she could/should be, and i think you're freaking out a bit too much about her and her boyfriend from the 9th grade.

do you have reason to believe that she might have particularly strong feelings for this guy? also, is this really about her hanging out with her ex from 9th grade, or about you feeling she misrepresented herself on the sex she had with the 27 year old playa from the himalayas?

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Impetuous1

Wow, I don't understand why you would put up with this at only one month of dating. How long was your longest relationship? It sounds to me like you both have some growing up to do. I went through some trust issues with my boyfriend after we had been together for over a year. But we worked on it because we knew we were in love with each other. However in my opinion, once the trust is that far eroded it takes a very long time to rebuild. Almost like an equation, you have to figure out how long you've been together versus how long it will take to rebuild. Also, there's always this tiny drop of doubt and the fact that it's so much easier to leave now because you've already gone through the worst feelings you can go through.

Not sure how much of that made sense but I say leave her and find someone who doesn't give you reason to doubt her. But you also need to control yourself and not look at hers or anyone elses email again. It'll drive you crazy at first but you'll soon realize you hate yourself if you keep looking after her like this. It just makes you look like an insanely controlling and jealous person. I know this because I went down the same road you are going down. I stopped (for the most part) being like that because I didn't want to see myself as that kind of person. Also, it just took too much energy to be on guard all the time. Not to mention it was depressing because you make a lot out of nothing sometimes. Much easier to just accept the love that you get from them and hope that if things aren't working out between you on their end, that they will be mature enough to tell you.

waltert

yeah, it sounds like you're a little too involved at one month, and the the girl is deceitful.

I'm one of those guys who likes things quiet, she sounds like a roller-coaster of emotion thats prone to have a mechanical failure.

analog

You can't seriously think that. There's no "taking advantage" here. She wanted a boyfriend, he wanted sex. She still gave it to him without the commitment. You're trying to make her out as an innocent, and she's clearly not. Consensual sex is consensual sex... she still had sex with him regardless of whether he committed. That's not using her, that's just sex.

Deltona Couple

Is it just me, or does it sound like they BOTH need some growing up to do? If yo uare in a relationship with someone, and care for them, you should trust them until they PROVE to be untrustworthy. If you give them a second, or third chance, then you STILL need to trust them until they prove you wrong. Snooping about in e-mails and "testing" the person is NOT conducive to a good, solid relationship. It will be doomed for failure. If you can't trust her, then end the relationship now, before someone does something REALLY stupid.

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Destrox

So she is a bit of a liar, and just wants guilty pleasures.

You are over-attached and quite short-sighted.

You're both guilty of things that simply will cause this relationship to not last, or stay peaceful.

Trust seems to be such a issue with you, and often as I've seen it before, those who essentially freak out over trust issues with their mate often don't realize what they them selves are doing to the relationship.

Also, getting "super mad" at her does not solve anything man. Anger is the last thing that will make this get better. Honestly it all seems beyond repair.

The fact that you spy on her emal/msgs just disgusts me really. I have a good friend whose boyfriend did this and constantly did not trust her because of his past relationships. All it does it make your self out to be the bad guy in the eyes of others.

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You bore me.... next.

match000

Lol, actually she is really possessive and super jealous by nature (needy); her best friend told me that (word for word) in her presence and the presence of her 2-3 closest friends..

And this is true.. she was the one who started off early on about suspecting me cheating with other girls (mutual friends), which were completely unfounded.. this gave off a possessive jealous vibe which I picked up on and I started doing the same back to her..


A large metropolitan city. Think something like San Francisco or New York.

I don't care who's to blame, really. I care alot for her, and I just want to know for sure that she won't do anything cheating behind my back - on her own free will (without me confronting her or forcing her to *not* cheat). . Heck, is it unreasonable to want her to think of noone other than me (romantically)..

Yes, he was her first love and after she moved away in grade 9, he broke up with her. She hates sports and exercise, but at her new high school she joined the swim team (b/c *he* was in the swim team back home).

Ultiimately, I just want to know that I am not a 'temporary' guy to 'fill in' for her college years (since she and the Ex are in different universities), and that she is also using me to make him jealous or want her again...

snowy

This relationship is doomed. You've doomed it by snooping on her and assuming things about her past that may or may not be true. You've doomed it by not trusting her, and not trusting her to trust you.

If you want to fix it, 1) come clean, and 2) no more snooping. Your girlfriend is entitled to a private life, whether you like it or not, and after a month, you really have no reason or place to presume.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

match000

To put the situation more precisely,

After the first time she lied to me, she cried and told me she "would never lie to me again"

Then she lied to me the 2nd time.

I had asked her "I thought you said you would never lie to me again." She had nothing to say, and I let her off easy b/c at that point I had really liked her alot..

I just spoke to a counselor and she told me that "once a person tells you they would never lie to you, and then lies to you, they are a liar and you cannot believe them again".

I thought it was pretty harsh, what the counselor said, but as much as I hate to admit it, I guess it is the truth.. however, the counselor also told me about young women and the stigma of premarital sex, so possibly a reason why my gf lied in the first place.. but the counselor said the 2nd lie has no reason.. she should not have lied the 2nd time considering her promise not to lie.

pig

oh, she definitely shouldn't have lied about the unprotected sex. about that, i would have lectured her ass too. have y'all been tested, per chance? might not be a bad idea. i didn't mean to sound harsh earlier, so here's my point, cut and dry. you're going to have make a choice; roll the dice on this little fila and maybe get fucked, or cut and bail now. furthermore, you're going to have to decide what kind of person you're going to be; the person who checks up on your so, your friends, your family by snoopery and the like, or someone who doesn't. either way, you're going to get fucked sometimes. in my opinion, at least if you're not doing the snoopery, at least you get some sleep. i've found that in the long run, the snoopery usually has very little influence on what happens. if they're shit, they're shit and you'll eventually find out.

if she goes out with the ex high school flame and doesn't tell you, it doesn't mean jack shit other than she went out with someone and didn't tell you. and particularly given that its only been a month; shit...after a month of seeing a girl its quite likely i do a lot of things she won't have any idea of. that's why intimacy and trust are earned, not given.

so it all amounts to either drive yourself nuts and hamstring the relationship now, or chill out and maybe it turns to shit later.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Rudel73

Dude chill out seriously. She is just excited to see someone from her past. I'd do the exact same thing if one of my old exes that i havent seen in forever told me they would be in town. Whatever happened before you were bf/gf doesnt matter man, she did nothing wrong, she was not your girlfriend. If you cared so much you'd stop snooping and let her live her life, what you are doing is only leading to a breakup. NOTHING absolutely NOTHING good is going to come out of what you are doing.

Let her live her life, if you dont, she's going to leave you. (You sound like you are creepin on her man from an outsiders POV)

FallenAvatar

It really does seem to me that you have no idea what is going on here. The lie about unprotected sex is valid. The having sex with some guy a month before you even existed to her in a relationship is thrown away completely; it doesn't matter, period.

You strike me as being very jelous, stubborn, and impatient. I'm not saying this to undermine your characteristics as a person, but more to try and help you understand some things. This relationship is over before it has even begun. You're taking steps to destroy it,yet you think you're doing the right thing. Walk away from her and move on to another fish. Sea full of them out there, all you have to do is find one. You don't seem like her type and she doesn't seem right for you. It's one thing to wonder if she's interested in this guy, it is a completely different situation when you start looking through her shit.

Just move on, save yourself the trouble; and don't do this in your next relationship. Trust is something that needs to be built and earned, it doesn't come for free.

__________________
Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

LoganSnake

Dude, that's too much drama for a one fucking month long relationship. Unless you were planning to marry her, move on.

__________________
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dirtyrascal7

If you want a stable relationship in which the girl makes you feel like you're the only man for her, then find a girl who is looking for the same... this girl is NOT going to ever make you feel the way you want, no matter how much you like her or no matter how much you want her to like you. It's that simple.

Seriously... it's nearly summer. You're at a university. I'm sure all you need to do is step outside on a nice day to realize that you have other options.

One day, you will look back on this and think, "Wow... I dated her way too long. I wish I would've listened to those nice people on TFP and dumped her like they suggested." Perhaps not, but either way... at least learn from this experience so you don't make the same mistakes twice.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

shesus

Way too much advice on this situation.

Should only take about 2 sentences.

Relationships without trust are unhealthy relationships. Drop the drama and the girl and try another one out.

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Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

xepherys

If you are snooping, the relationship will generally be unhealthy. If there are trust issues, you need to work to FIX those first and foremost. An untrusting relationship just won't work. I can't imagine snooping through my wifes texts. I'd feel tremendously guilty. Besides, I trust her 100% and have no reason to.

As for hanging out with ex's 1-1, I don't really see an issue with it. I like my ex's, for the most part, pretty well. My most recent ex is a good friend of mine. My wife's ex's talk to her fairly often and she still keeps in touch with the last guy's family now and then. I don't see what a previous relationship has to do with your current one. If she leaves you for him, would you really want to have hung on to her until she could ditch you for another guy later?

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FallenAvatar

Lets sum this entire page up.

GTFO.


That bluntly means, Get the fuck out.

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Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

match000

Hey all,

Thanks for all your advice. I understand that I am taking a risk if I continue on this.. like Pigglet said, roll the dice, might get fucked, might not. And about the snoopery, I agree: at least without the snoopery, I get more sleep and stop making something out of nothing!

I had a long discussion with my girlfriend yesterday, and we eventually got into a whole lot of talking about the healthiness of our relationship, and the trust issues that we had..

I asked her about her Ex, and she says that she waited 1 year after grade 9 (grade 10), when she had moved away, IM'ing him, calling, etc. to ask why he had broken up with her. He never replied, always signed off AIM when she messaged, and really hurt her.

She just saw him a few times this past December 2006, and although she told me she was happy to see him and they did some happy things together (he picked her up after work, they hung out, watched stars, etc), that she didn't like him as more than a friend. She said she took the chance to confront him about why he basically ignored her after she moved away.. She told me that he had changed alot from who she knew, and he thought the same of her; he wasn't "the guy" that she used to like. She also said that he had hurt her so much that she would not want to give him any chances again anyways..

My counselor said that her being happy with him when they re-met, doesn't mean that she likes him still.. just that some people need to get over their scars and problems by confronting them, and if she could show herself that she could be able to smile again even with him there, that she was truly over that part of her life.. and be able to see him as a friend again.

I've decided to continue, to take it slow and slowly rebuild our trust together. I told her that, and I said its only a start and it would take a lot of effort. But I really care for her and I want to try it..

I know you guys all think she's deceitful.. and if something bad happens again, you guys are probably right.. but for now, I am going to give her another chance, and really trust her... I am *not* going to snoop anymore. My word.

I asked her why she lied again the 2nd time after promising never to lie. She said she didn't like to talk about anything sexual, and even more so anything regarding the previous guy; she admits that he emotionally blackmailed her. He basicaly told her "there's no chance for a relationship without sex". She regrets that part of her life alot, and she lied about anything to do with it b/c she really didn't want to talk about it.. I believe her and will give her the benefit of the doubt..

She told me that she just wants to love someone with all her heart, without being hurt again.. she had told me this before and I believe her. And taht's how I want to love her as well.

Anyways, that's how it is now.. thanks everyone..

EDIT:

PS. Having taken this first step, I feel a much better inner peace. I slept so well yesterday compared to these last few days.. and I don't have that weird urge to spy on her anymore.. because I really believe her and what she told me...

Jinn

My only advice left, since you're clearly not seeing the atomic bomb this relationship is going to turn into;

KEEP OR START USING A CONDOM.

The last thing you want with this lady is a kid or an STD, so make sure you get neither.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

tooth

It's your life. But, did you ever think that someone who has a history of lying to you might lie to you some more when you catch them?

Good luck with this one. And +1 on wearing a rubber.

LazyBoy

If you actually felt a need to "snoop" then there are issues that need addressing anyways....

-Will

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Life is nothing, everything.....and something in between...

match000

I suppose the atomic bomb is that she's going to keep lying to me, as Tooth implies?

Willravel

You have two choices:
1) Trust
and
2)