thed00t

Ok so I know there is a big sticky post at the top of this forum with some great advice on this topic. I've read it, and I agree with it, and I've used it. But it doesn't apply to complicated shit like this. At least I don't think so.

More than advice I'm really looking for you guys to share your similar experiences with me and how it worked out.

For those who don't feel like reading my entire situation, here is the topic I'd like to tap into the TFP experience pool to learn more about. Please feel free to answer about your situation and elaborate on your experience.

I am a male and I have told a girl who was invovled with someone else how I felt and it worked out in my favor.
I am a male and I have told a girl who was invovled with someone else how I felt and it did not work out in my favor.
I am a female and I was invovled with someone else and a male told me how they felt about me and it worked out in their favor.
I am a female and I was invovled with someone else and a male told me how they felt about me and it did not work out in their favor.

--edit--
Adding another optional question. I'm not so much looking for advice (but it is welcome!) as looking for shared experiences to give me something to contemplate.

Ladies -- Let's say you were very attracted to someone and wanted to pursue a relationship with that person and knew it wouldn't work. Then you found out one of your guy friends (to both you and the person you were attracted to) was attracted to you in much the same way. How you would react? How have you reacted if it happened to you?
--edit--


--

Now, on to the specific situation. First a little bit about me to qualify the scenario. I'm a male in my mid twenties. I'd say I'm a pretty fun loving nice guy. But not in a nice guy finishes last kind of sense. I have a good job and a close group of friends. I don't have much of a problem attracting women. I'm active and I work out and I seem to be able to make them laugh.

I've had 2 long term relationships over the past 7 years, one that lasted over 2 years and we lived together. I have no regrets about either relationship. The rest of the time I've spent dating a lot ect or just enjoying being single. For the past two years, I figure I've probably been on at least 2 dates a month, if not more. Sometimes they last for few months, but most of the time not really. I'd say one in five end up being phsyical. I'm not one to rush to the sack. Been there done that and my goals have changed. I'm looking for my girl, not a cheap romp.

I don't have a hard time meeting women, but lately I do have a hard time connecting with the ones I have been meeting. Lately, most of the attraction has been physical only. As I get to know them, I'm not attracted to their personality for various reasons and usually that's that. I've almost started to think that maybe I just don't feel that way anymore and I just need to give it more effort when I meet someone new. Well I met a girl that reaffirmed that I can be attracted to someone completely and not just physically. She's worth chasing and normally I would have no problem telling her how I feel, and I have almost twice, but there are some complications which are preventing me from doing so.

On to how I know this girl. I have a real good friend who I hang out with all the time. We've known eachother for over a decade, we share a lot of the same hobbies ect... your classic case of best friends I guess. He's moving to another city in winter. He picked up the girl in question and they hit it off at first. When they first started, he told her that he was moving to another city in several months, so he didn't want anything serious. As time went on, he mentioned to me that he wasn't really attracted to her physically that much. His type of girl is the real petite athletic type. He likes what he likes and he can't help that. This girl is more of the feminine curvy type. Not fat or even pudgy by any sense of the word. She's very attractive, sexy and cute, but just not his type I guess. So shortly after mentioning this to me, he started to "ween her off" for lack of a better term, but I guess it was too late. She already had a crazy crush on him. After she didn't really get the idea, he did the right thing and sat her down and told her basically that he was moving and didn't want a relationship ect. She understood and they continued to hang out, as friends. It was cool. We all hung out, as friends, for about a month and I always thought she was cute ect, but I didn't really feel the way about her then as I do now. To further complicate things, we (the girl and I) have discussed moving in together (as friends obviously) because we both need new roomates and our leases end around the same time. We did this before I realized I was attracted to her, obviously.

Well somewhere along the way that we've been hanging out for the past month I've started to become really attracted to her. Attracted to her in a way I haven't felt about a girl in years.

Now if this was the current situation and that was that, I would have no problem sitting her down and telling her that I like her a lot. That I was attracted to her both phsyically and personally and that I want to get to know her better and pursue a relationship. But it's not all there is to it.

As I mentioned we all hang out a lot. We party, go out, drink, ect together. It seems everytime we all get drunk, my buddy and her forget all about the conversations they've had before and make out. I know she still likes my buddy a lot. So she of course doesn't mind this even though she's torturing herself. I doubt she has the slightest idea how I feel. In fact, I know she doesn't because at one point she asked if I thought she was just hanging around us because she was lonely and pathetic. I told her I didn't, and I don't.

On one hand, I'm kind of disapointed in my buddy because if a girl was doing that to him, he'd drop her like a rock. He's basically leading her on, but not really since he's already told her what is up. Plus I can't be too mad at him because he only does it when they are drunk.

So if you are familar with the ladder theory, I'm square in the friend zone. She talks to me about her predicament with him, and like a sucker, I always give her advice and make her feel better. I've usually don't do that with girls, especially ones I like, because I know how that can kill your chances of having any sort of relationship with them. Girls, you can tell us how much you like to be friends first ect, but lets face it, it doesn't work that way (often) in practice. But with this girl, I just can't stand to see her upset, so I honestly want to help her. I'm not playing the friend to be close to her, I am her friend and I want her to be happy ect. I didn't mean to become attracted to this girl, I can't help it. She's got everything all the girls I've dated over the past few years didn't have.

At first when I realized I felt this way, I said screw it and decided to tell her. Then I realized that wouldn't be very fair to her because while she's not really invovled with my buddy, she really wants to be, so as far as I'm concerned, I might as well treat the situation like it is.

So I figured I'd just ignore it, especially since we're supposed to move in together. I tried to go out and date and meet a bunch of new girls. I went out, got some numbers, had a couple dinners, and that only reminded me how much I like this girl.

So to sum everything up: A girl I really want to pursue a relationship with, really wants to pursue a relationship with my best friend. A best friend who is going to move away in a few months. And to top it all off, me and the girl are supposed to find an apartment, as roomates, in a few months.

Honestly at this point, I'm ready to do one of two things:

1. Try my best to get over it, move in with her, and just be her friend. I know if I try hard enough I can do this, but it's been two years since I felt this way about someone and I'm starting to see how rare special girls like this are.
2. Tell her how I feel and deal with the results as they come. My instincts tell me that she'll feel like I've violated our friendship because she knows that I know how
much she likes my buddy.

--edit--
I don't really consider it to be a problem with my buddy if I talk to him about this. He's told me on a few occasions that he doesn't want a relationship with her, and he has told her this as well. However they do remain good friends who tend to make out when drunk, so obviously I'd talk to him first. But being the type of guy he is, I doubt he'd have a problem with it.

The girl on the other hand, likes him a lot and wants a relationship with him, but kids herself if she thinks anything but friendship will happen, since for one thing he's moving and secondly she's not his type (which I don't understand).
--edit--

Either way I'm ready to act because I'm definitely not the type of guy to sit around and mope about this shit. And I definitely don't want to sit here a year from now and have regrets about this situation. But I also don't want to lose her as a friend. I'd rather deal with a few months of something I can't have, than lose her as a friend. My friends are the most important thing to me.

Now I know most of you will chime in on this thread and tell me to tell her how I feel. Ok, well, qualify that please. Tell me about a time where you have been in a similar situation and how it worked out. I have no problems telling strangers how I feel, so this situation is different for me.

So.... TFP.... While I want your advice, more than that I call on you to share your experiences with me.

Tell me about the times where you've told someone how you feel where it has been a complicated situation and how it worked out.

Crack

It all depends on your relationship with your guy friend, are you ready to lose him as a friend, if so, then go for it.

If you really wanted to do the right thing, talk to HIM, not her first, there is a right way and a wrong way about doing things like this, and taking a friends girlfriend is (for me) out of the question.

Worse case, you lose him as a friend, and keep her as only a distant friend, because if she does not like you romanticaly and she will become very distant and begin to move herself from your sphear of infulance, can you deal with that?

Best case, you keep your buddy, because you told him first, and you did the right thing, and you get a awesome relationship started with a girl you know you like from the start.

The only real advice I can give you is be a man, talk to your friend, and don't ruin any relationship, reguardless of if it's gonna end on it's own or not.

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

splck

I was in a similar situation years ago. I talked to my buddy about my desire to date her and he gave me the go-ahead to ask her out. Well, we went out, hit it off, and started dating. He was a bit miffed at first but got over it eventually.
If I was you, I'd talk to your freind before you make any moves....Good luck.

__________________
nice line eh?

thed00t

That's good advice. I guess I really didn't clarify enough in my post, but I don't think our friendship is threatened by this at all. We're good enough friends and the type of friends that wouldn't be compromised for something like this. If it was his serious girlfriend, then yes, I wouldn't tell her and I would move the fuck on. The only reason I am entertaining the prospect at all is because they are only friends where she is the one attracted to him. He only likes her as a friend and has told her he doesn't want to have a relationship.

While I'd still talk to him first, I don't really consider it an issue because of that fact. I'm not too worried about ruining their relationship because the girl in question is kidding herself if their relationship will ever get past two friends who make out when drunk.

Andy_

If your friend actually is moving away then that would make it 100% easier, though I cant say for certain from the post.

If not, then I'd talk about it with the guy first. Chances are he'll back off happily leaving the two of you in the clear. After a wee while of her not getting attention from the guy she'll probably have a little greater perspective on things and be more open to accepting you as more than a friend, or a friend-with-benefits. Even if, in the end, she does have some unconquerable crush on the guy at least you can move on.

I think you're probably going to get the girl, but good luck either way.

Sultana

I think I would have a talk with your guy friend and ask him to back off from her more, even while drunk, so other things can progress naturally with the gal. Come on, he can still control himself while drunk, right? Plus, if you're all friends, he is leading her on, taking advantage of the situation, and you don't do that to friends. From what you've written, he likely would be amenable.

How soon is he moving, anyways?

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Cynthetiq

We always tend to think that our situation is slightly different and that it's not quite the same as everyone else's. We're all so terminally unique that no one, no thing can ever be the same...

Yet it is.

It still boils down to communication with your friend and the girl. That's it, black and white, plain and simple.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

thed00t

You're right. I don't have a problem with the how or what when it comes to the communication. For me it boils down to I need to decide wether or not I even should. It is one of those cases where I don't feel like losing her as a friend just to risk having a relationship. I can move on if I have to. I'm not going to put my life on hold for this, but I still think she is worth chasing but not at the cost of our friendship. Which is why what I really want to see from you guys is past personal experiences where you told someone in a similar situation and how it worked out for you. Or if you've been told by someone and how you reacted. The latter would probably be more valuable for me because my main concern is how she feels about my buddy.

No offense to anyone offering advice, because I will still gladly read and process it. But if you haven't been in a similar situation, then your advice, while much appreciated and still asked for, is only circumstantial.

So maybe I'm asking the wrong question and should ask another one here:

Ladies -- Let's say you were very attracted to someone and wanted to pursue a relationship with that person and knew it wouldn't work. Then you found out one of your guy friends (to both you and the person you were attracted to) was attracted to you in much the same way. How you would react? How have you reacted if it happened to you?

Sultana

I'd be flattered, and open-minded. But that probably because I am already open-minded. Only *the girl* is going to know how *she* will respond.

I feel compelled to share one of my favorite movie quotes with you:
"A life half-lived isn't worth living."

It was either that, or:
"Show me your Passo Double!"

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Cynthetiq

But that's the rub, in order to advance you have to take a risk. It doesn't matter which side of the equation the risk falls, either you risk the friendship or you risk the fact you "could have" or "should have" yet will never know.

You want someone else to express their experiences so that you'll assuage your own feelings as to which side you'll actually pick, but ultimately you'll never know until you take an action. As Sultana states, only the girl will know. No one else.

I can't vote in the above poll because I've had it work out and not work out.

For me, I've tried to make the change only to find it unrequited love. We no longer were friends.

Another time, it was simple as taking the risk and the plunge. After several years of friendship, now she's my wife.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

thed00t

True, and that's how I live my life to be honest. Like I said, the big thing holding ME back isn't me. It's my respect for her. Let me explain:

Put yourself in her shoes for a second. She's very attracted to someone she isn't going to get. She's planning on becomming roomates with me. Suddenly I tell her she's the bee's knees and now she has a bunch of complicated drama in her life she didn't ask for. Is that fair to her?

When I put myself in her position, I'm not sure I'd want someone else dropping a bomb like that. But then again, I wouldn't know unless it happened and who it was. These are the issues I really have, not the balls to tell her. Which is why I'm soliciting experiences from this forum. I don't need a cheer leading squad to get me pumped up to go tell her. I'd like to hear from people who have been in the same situation so I can learn from what happened to them.

Yes it is true that only she will know how she'll react. And that everyone is different and each situation is going to be unique. And what happened to someone else may not reflect what is going to happen in my situation. Ok, I get the point. But I still think I have to learn from other people's experiences.

Martel

It would be a lot less fair to wait and have it come out that you are really into her AFTER you've both signed a lease on an apartment together.

I think living with her while you secretly have the hots for her and she's pining away for some other dude would be a really bad idea, so my advice is to get it all worked out sooner rather than later, no matter how it ends up.

__________________
Anamnesis

Cynthetiq

How noble. It is you. It's all about you. See if you disrespect what you think is her, then you'll feel bad.

So to hold your dick in your hand, that's fair to you? To possibly miss out on a good relationship? You'll never know until you try. If you are in the friend zone, then accept it and stop holding a candle for her which ultimately most people cannot and will not do that. Most just accept the friendship as is without risking it because it's better to be close to her in some fashion then to not be at all.

Sorry, I still see it as you don't have the balls to tell her and the respect thing is just another excuse that you can project onto her as a reason to not act.

Sure, but you can easily already distill down the answers into postive and negative experiences. You're looking for nuances that may help you "soften the blow" so to speak, since you're ultimately hoping for a positive answer. If you are hoping for a negative answer, then again the balls come into question and you are again, projecting onto her as an excuse.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

thed00t

Cynthetiq -- Thanks for your opinion. I don't share it. If you don't believe me, then your advice is misplaced.

Cynthetiq

It's not that I don't believe you; I believe you are in denial.

read my first paragraph again:

See if you disrespect what you think is her, then you'll feel bad.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Sultana

But *you* are the one living your life. Go live it, man.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

abaya

Well, I'm a woman and I'd have to agree with the no-balls argument. I've been on the other side.

You're hemming and hawing and making excuses for her, on the premise of being "respectful." The only respectful thing to do is own up, tell her how you feel, and take whatever consequences come your way. She might slap you and never speak to you again. She might embrace you and you'll end up happily ever after. Or she'll be confused, and you'll end up somewhere in the middle. Any of those outcomes are better than your current position. And they are a HELL of a lot better than moving in with her under the pretense that you'll "get over it" and move on. If I were her, I would end up hating you if you did that... if I found out later that you liked me (and believe me, she's a woman; she'll find out. Never doubt that fact.)

You cannot be responsible for her, including her feelings and reactions, in this situation. You can only be responsible for yourself and what you want. So either do it, or walk away. But do NOT move in with her without telling her how you feel.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

shesus

I was in a somewhat similar situation as the girl. While the guys weren't friends, I did confide in the other guy and I guess he thought he was definitely in the 'friend-zone'.
As Abaya wisely said...
I found out that this guy had a crush on me. We had been friends for 2 years and I had been going on and on about my disfunctional engagement for that period of time asking him for advice and whatnot.
However, I didn't hate him for not telling me. In fact we've now been married for 5 years. But this was my situation and I voted in the poll but as Cynthetiq pointed out situations are different and, as in his cases, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
You can't sit around and dwell on it, that's a waste of time and life is short. Either take the chance or let it be, but yea she'll find out eventually I'm sure. So you might as well deal with it now.

I agree with Abaya, don't move in with her without telling her the circumstances. That could turn really ugly and be a miserable experience for both of you.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

thed00t

I guess I don't think like you and Cynthetiq do. I'm not in denial and I'm not making excuses under any guises. I'm not on here to prove anything. I'm here to form new opinions based on other experiences. Stop trying to project how you THINK I feel onto me and just take my word as to how I feel and plan on acting.

Again, I thank for for your contribution, but you are giving advice based on how someone else might act.

Which is why I asked for experiences rather than advice in the first place. I'd rather read someone's experience and interpret that on my own than hear any more advice that doesn't even apply to me because you are giving advice based on someone elses personality instead of me.

Either trust what I say, or your advice is useless to me since it's formulated for someone else. Square peg, round hole people.

I think maybe asking an internet forum for experiences was a bad idea. You guys seem to only want to make assumptions and interpret my statements incorrectly in order to find some kind of "root cause". I thank you for your attempts, but it is next to useless to me because it just flat out doesn'tt apply. I mean no offense by that, I know you guys want to help.

I tend to disagree that any of those outcomes are better than my current position. It's not like this is keeping my up at night and I'm not desperately in love with this girl. Worth pursuing? Yes. Worth destroying a good friendship over? Not really. There are always fish in the sea.

I place a little bit more value on my friends than that.

Your first statement is a good point. I usually think like that. For example I am a pretty blunt guy. Sometimes being that blunt will offend or insult people I work with, over sensitive people, or just in general anyone who is not used to that. I'm not rude, but I am honest. If someone thinks I am rude or is insulted by something I say, I think it is their problem not mine. All I did was say how I think, and how I think is based on how I see the facts.

In this situation, I see it slightly different. Yes if I tell her and she reacts negavitely that isn't really fair because I can't help being attracted to her. But it also puts her in a place where she has to deal with more than she asked for. Especially given the circumstances.

Why would you two, as females, think negatively of a guy who liked you but didn't tell you if they truly thought they were doing you a favor by not complicating your life when you didn't need it. Personally, if the roles were reversed, I'd appreciate a girl just dealing with her emotions rather than complicate my shit at the time. I'd prefer that she wait it out, really see if the attraction is geniune with time, and then choose the right time to tell me. I'd think that action shows more respect than giving into your emotions and providing unwanted drama into someone's life.

I don't understand that emotion and would like to know more about it. It sounds like my thinking is completely off in that respect, which I wouldn't doubt, since I don't think like a female.

Martel

The problem here, d00t, is that what you're saying is exactly the same as every other guy who comes on the forums and moans about wanting to let some girl know how he feels but not wanting to jeopardize their friendship.

I think you think your situation is somehow different, but it doesn't really sound like it to me.

Either way, moving in with her while you have a secret crush = bad idea, so you need to get some resolution one way or another.

__________________
Anamnesis

thed00t

Yea I can understand that. I think my situation is different because I'm not asking you guys if I should or shouldn't . That's my dillema. I'm not asking you what to say, I'm comfortable enough to do that. Done it before in all types of situations, just not one this complicated. I'm not on here because I like to waste time. I'm on here to make sure I have my situation thought through.

Which is why I mainly asked for people to share similar experiences.

None of the advice I'm going to get is going to affect my decision. A bunch of arm chair relationship experts we are not. But we are people who have had experiences. Experience everyone can learn from. If I read about some similar situations others were in it might give me some insight on what manner I approach the situation in. But no one here is going to affect my decision to approach her. Really the only thing I'm shaky on is timing. But that's nothing you guys can help me with because that's by feel, not by rules.

So let's just stick with situations from now on.

Similar Situations. You got em? Post em.

Cynthetiq

yet each time someone does post with or without an experience you engage it as such there is something for you to examine. when the experience positive and negative has been laid out you have not commented on it. when someone has commented on the situation with what they think the situation may or may not turn out based on their experience you have engaged it in discussion. Odd that you do not want to discuss it in claim, but here your actions speak louder than words. See you want to discuss it, you want to "figure this issue out" yet seem to be in denial of that fact. Even the ladies that have commented without situation but of their own reaction to spur discussion, you´ve dismissed as "that´s not the answer I´m looking for so I don´t think your situation applies to me."

I stated that I have had both situations and it worked out once, it did not work out another time. I didn´t give any details, yet you´re don´t seem interested in the, you only seem interested in discussing the fact that the experiences laid out here do not apply to you and you don´t think it´s that way, again, thinking you are terminally unique.

Finally, your thread title wasn´t, "Please share your experiences about someone telling a friend they want to be more than friends." No, it´s "Tell her how you feel?"

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Jinn

d00t, don't concern yourself with some of these comments. Certain people love to tell you who you are, what your motivations are, and what you really meant -- even after you've made it plainly clear that you (a) don't care who they thinks you are and (b) that they're wrong in his belief about you.

That said, I think your post is different from the typical ones. You're hiding behind "respect" a little bit too much, but that doesn't mean its an excuse. Personally, I think you need to look at which is more disrespectful -- not telling her, or telling her. You'd be surprised to find its the former. Weigh respect for her versus need to tell.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

thed00t

I disagree completely, with exception to the title. You're right that it's different than the goal of my post, but I think you are drawing way too many conclusions from text. When the ladies shared experiences, I asked for more information. When they gave advice, I disagreed, or offered a counter point. Did you ever stop and think that no one, not one single person, could read the text on any one of these threads in this forum and fully understand what is going on? For fucks sake, I can't believe the arrogance of some of you who think you are so right based on some printed text on a forum. Advice is one thing, but it's still just an opinion and not law. You are so arrogant in your thinking that you have me pegged, that you don't even stop for a moment to consider how wrong you might actually be. You keep trying to tell me that my situation is not unique (with an overused adjective modifier to make you sound smarter), but that everyone is different. Different and unique are what we refer to as mutually exclusive. Face it buddy, you don't have me pegged. I never expected, wanted, or asked you to either. I asked for advice, which clearly was a huge mistake, and for people to post their scenarios. That IS what this place is about right? Sharing? So stop trying so hard and follow the guidelines of the thread or get the fuck out.

You should probably read the posts more carefully. On second thought, don't. That'll just incent you to respond again.

You didn't post your situation. You posted two vague outcomes of your situation. If you want to contribute, post the scenario and details around the situation. Maybe something was different (besides the people) in each of your situations that is useful. Maybe not.

Please feel free to stop responding to this thread. Your urge to be right and make me look wrong is making every single one of your posts completely useless. I don't have time for some internet forum guy who thinks he's got everyone all figured out from text. Either you trust that I don't have something to prove, or you've got your own set of problems. I couldn't care less either way and would prefer you step out of the conversation all together.

I can't believe a moderator is crapping threads... thought this place was more mature than that.

Cynthetiq

I don´t have anyone "pegged", never have and never will. I can however make good guesses in certain situations. Your situation isn´t unique, there may be some small items that show it´s dissimilar to the world at large, but the underlying concept is still unrequited love for a friend. Movies, books, songs, sonnets, paintings, all have been created for this same very reason. It is a topic been written about by Dante, Cervantes, Shakespeare. This is the reason that there is a sticky about this very topic because it is as old as the hills.

I posted in this thread to find out just how "different" your situation is. So far, you have shown little difference from any other original poster in any other thread similar to this one.

No one can ever know 100% all the things that surround and issue, not even in real life can your best friend know everything. People only know what you reveal, and even then that is measured and weighted by motive. Sometimes, like a child to a parent, we only tell what we want people to know so that they will support our arugments and positions. Sometimes we do it knowingly others we do it subcousiously.


I do read posts carefully, from title to OP. Which is why I commented stating that if you wanted people to share experiences, you should have made that clear in the OP, stating "Tell her how you feel?" predisposes the readers to post their opinion and advice on your situation, not on what their expeirences are.

I did not post my situation initially because I do not like to revisit since it is not a pleasant memory.

1st Time
In High School, I made friends with a girl in my Bio class. We became close friends quickly and at the time had never had a girlfriend, but had many lady friends. Her best friend and I became good friends too. I did not know or realize that I was firmly entrenched in the "friend zone" because I was a nice guy and doing all the nice guy behaviors.

She was pining over her own situation of some upper classman that knew she existed but didn´t really care if he dated her or not. He came and went as he pleased constantly.

I finally put all the cards on the table in a letter and handed it to her. She finally realized that I had a crush on her all this time and ceased taking any of my phone calls. In one fell swoop I lost a set of friends and one of my best friends.

2nd Time
A girl I used to like to visit at one of the buildings I serviced moved away. She was a nice girl. We just talked when I visited the office. I had girlfriend at the time I met her. She moved to Iceland for a few months, she´d send out emails to keep in contact with friends, basically like a newsletter sharing her experiences in Iceland with different customs and lifestyles.

When she came back to the US, I invited her to call me to hang out. I had a different girlfriend at that time. She did not have a lot of money and I enjoyed hanging out with her. I would always offer to pay for her share since I just liked hanging out with her even though at the time I was dating someone else. I had no interest in her romantically, physically, or anything. She and I had just become good friends and we enjoyed spending time together.

We talked about relationships, how complex they are, how difficult it is to express that one likes another. We discussed the convenience of holding up a sign saying "I like you." and letting that be the beginning of letting the other person know how you feel.

I would talk about how I could not meet any girls that I gave me any real satisfaction. One night her best friend´s sister was visiting and kept grabbing my head and turning it towards this girl. I realized than that I needed to think about how I felt about her.

A few days of sorting out my feelings, I took her out to dinner like normal. In the middle of the conversation I told her I was holding up a sign. She didn´t get it initially so I explained our previous conversation.

We dated, eventually moved in together, and got married.

As I thought about the first situation, I can probably find a few others along the same lines because I realized that there were a few other times in my life where I had the same if not similar end result.

I don´t have anything to prove, in fact, many times my inquiring proves my own position wrong, something that helps me learn and understand more about people.

If you truly believe that, please feel free to PM Halx.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Jinn

Is it just me, or am I seeing double?

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

NoSoup

To be fair, I don't believe that simply because Cynthetiq is a moderator he isn't entitled to post his opinion...

As far as my experience is concerned, I met my fiance through a mutual friend when I was very young. After a few years of not seeing each other (I moved away to a different town, then moved back) we ran into each other again.

She was dating someone at the time - actually, come to think of it, so was I. We hung out a couple times as friends, but then I think we both quickly realized that it could be much more than that. After discussing it one evening, we both broke it off with our boyfriend/girlfriend, and started dating each other.

It worked out well, obviously, as we are now engaged and have been dating for well over five years...

__________________
I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

Just in case you were wondering...

abaya

I feel like my last post was quite misunderstood, so I don't feel encouraged to post again. But for what it's worth, I'll throw in one more post in the hopes it won't offend you or be the wrong "kind" of post or message or experience or whatever you are looking for.
These are mutually exclusive statements. If someone is truly worth pursuing, and I mean in every sense of the word, then you should be ready to risk everything to pursue her. THAT's evidence of someone being "worth" pursuing. They are actually worth the chance of losing a friendship over... because that's what someone in that situation really wants, anyway. Not a friendship. A relationship. And anyone worth his balls (or her balls, figuratively) who wants a relationship will not be satisfied with a nice little "friendship" instead, just to be nice and respectful, all the while settling for feverishly rubbing one out every night. Not saying you would do that, but that's what I think of guys who don't 'fess up about their feelings.

Maybe I'm giving advice again, but advice is based on prior experience. And I can tell you from prior experience that I have never had much respect for men who were my friends for a long time, but then 'fessed up later that they "didn't want to ruin the friendship" and that's why they never put their balls on the line to tell me about it. I eventually disrespected them to the point of no longer being friends with them. In men, courage and the ability to take risks are near the top of my list. Anyone else just drops straight into friend zone.

If you're asking me personally, I don't need anyone to do "favors" for me by taking care of what is MY responsibility. My responsibility = my feelings, my reactions, and my responses to whatever anyone else around me says or does, including confessing their feelings for me. It is not someone else's job to run interference for my emotions. And if someone thinks they're doing me a "favor" by buffering me from "complications," then there's no way in hell I could possibly trust or respect them once the truth came out. That is my own personal view, and that's what you asked for. I can't make any assumptions for this other chick in your situation.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

thed00t

I don't quite feel that way. I wouldn't say I'm selfish, but my life does not revovle around other people, it revolves around me. The point I'm trying to make is that while she might be the first girl I've been more than physically attracted to in quite some time, I'm not batshit crazy in love with her. If I don't get her affection, I'll have no trouble getting over it. While I can't explain precisely why I'm attracted to her more than other girls I've met recently, I'm not the type of person who believes in one person for everyone and soulmates. There are types of compatible personalities, and attraction preferences, and that's that.

Fair enough, and I agree with you. Like I keep trying to say, and people keep trying to tell me otherwise, I'm not the type of guy who is afraid to tell her. I could give a shit if that is how I'm coming off. There is one reason I wouldn't tell her, and that is because if OUR roles were reversed, and she told me, I wouldn't be impressed. She knows I know how much she's crazy over my buddy. If a girl I knew, who knew how much I liked someone else, told me that she was attracted to me, I'd would basically say why tell me this now, obviously you know what is going on in my life and all this does is complicate shit. I'm not gonna take a pity date, so why should she?

A good point, I'll have to reflect on that a bit more.

A counter point is that I feel timing is important when I do tell her. It's not so much that I'm trying to buffer her complications, I'll admit that is part of it, but only because a complicated emotional moment is not a time to drop a bomb on someone. Some people get defensive when they are vurnerable, some people get receptive. Either way I don't want to put her on the defensive, and I definitely don't want to take advantage of emotional vurnerability.

No offense though, but I'm of the opinion if you choose to not respect someone for trying to do you a favor, they probably aren't after your respect anymore. Favors and the giving and receiving of them are one of the best thing about human relationships if you ask me. For example if I tell this girl much later that I used to like her, and she loses respect for me, that won't bother me in the least bit. The instant she does that, I'll know what type of person she is and consequently I'll instantly lose respect for her. I have to respect someone myself before I even care about earning or losing their respect. What good is respect from people who aren't deserving of yours? None, that's what. People who try to be, or try convince themsevles that they are, emotionally independent and "don't need nobody" are missing out. It's not that we all need someone, but it does make life a lot better. Being alone doesn't bother me much, but given the choice, obviously I'm going to seek friendship, company, respect and love from my fellow humans. And that choice is an easy one. But that's just my opinion and I only have my experiences to base that on.

Thanks for your opinions and advice. (this is not directed at one person) I'm still rather shocked at how some of you are taking my disagreement with your opinions. Disagreement and offering counter points is not disrespectful to your opinion. Don't take any offense by it. I offer counter points in hope that it will shed light on how I think and so someone else can make additional arguements based on that. Eventually I'll learn something either way.