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Originally Posted by abaya
These are mutually exclusive statements. If someone is truly worth pursuing, and I mean in every sense of the word, then you should be ready to risk everything to pursue her.
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I don't quite feel that way. I wouldn't say I'm selfish, but my life does not revovle around other people, it revolves around me. The point I'm trying to make is that while she might be the first girl I've been more than physically attracted to in quite some time, I'm not batshit crazy in love with her. If I don't get her affection, I'll have no trouble getting over it. While I can't explain precisely why I'm attracted to her more than other girls I've met recently, I'm not the type of person who believes in one person for everyone and soulmates. There are types of compatible personalities, and attraction preferences, and that's that.
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Maybe I'm giving advice again, but advice is based on prior experience. And I can tell you from prior experience that I have never had much respect for men who were my friends for a long time, but then 'fessed up later that they "didn't want to ruin the friendship" and that's why they never put their balls on the line to tell me about it. I eventually disrespected them to the point of no longer being friends with them. In men, courage and the ability to take risks are near the top of my list. Anyone else just drops straight into friend zone.
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Fair enough, and I agree with you. Like I keep trying to say, and people keep trying to tell me otherwise, I'm not the type of guy who is afraid to tell her. I could give a shit if that is how I'm coming off. There is one reason I wouldn't tell her, and that is because if OUR roles were reversed, and she told me, I wouldn't be impressed. She knows I know how much she's crazy over my buddy. If a girl I knew, who knew how much I liked someone else, told me that she was attracted to me, I'd would basically say why tell me this now, obviously you know what is going on in my life and all this does is complicate shit. I'm not gonna take a pity date, so why should she?
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If you're asking me personally, I don't need anyone to do "favors" for me by taking care of what is MY responsibility. My responsibility = my feelings, my reactions, and my responses to whatever anyone else around me says or does, including confessing their feelings for me. It is not someone else's job to run interference for my emotions. And if someone thinks they're doing me a "favor" by buffering me from "complications," then there's no way in hell I could possibly trust or respect them once the truth came out. That is my own personal view, and that's what you asked for. I can't make any assumptions for this other chick in your situation.
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A good point, I'll have to reflect on that a bit more.
A counter point is that I feel timing is important when I do tell her. It's not so much that I'm trying to buffer her complications, I'll admit that is part of it, but only because a complicated emotional moment is not a time to drop a bomb on someone. Some people get defensive when they are vurnerable, some people get receptive. Either way I don't want to put her on the defensive, and I definitely don't want to take advantage of emotional vurnerability.
No offense though, but I'm of the opinion if you choose to not respect someone for trying to do you a favor, they probably aren't after your respect anymore. Favors and the giving and receiving of them are one of the best thing about human relationships if you ask me. For example if I tell this girl much later that I used to like her, and she loses respect for me, that won't bother me in the least bit. The instant she does that, I'll know what type of person she is and consequently I'll instantly lose respect for her. I have to respect someone myself before I even care about earning or losing their respect. What good is respect from people who aren't deserving of yours? None, that's what. People who try to be, or try convince themsevles that they are, emotionally independent and "don't need nobody" are missing out. It's not that we all need someone, but it does make life a lot better. Being alone doesn't bother me much, but given the choice, obviously I'm going to seek friendship, company, respect and love from my fellow humans. And that choice is an easy one. But that's just my opinion and I only have my experiences to base that on.
Thanks for your opinions and advice. (this is not directed at one person) I'm still rather shocked at how some of you are taking my disagreement with your opinions. Disagreement and offering counter points is not disrespectful to your opinion. Don't take any offense by it. I offer counter points in hope that it will shed light on how I think and so someone else can make additional arguements based on that. Eventually I'll learn something either way.