I'm all fucked up - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Fob_Magi · 03-09-2006, 08:08 PM

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ratbastid · 03-09-2006, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fob_Magi

I know I should be talking about this with her and not you guys…

That's 90% of what I have to say, right there.

Look: It would be a mistake to think that one conversation will clear this all up, or that it will be an easy conversation. But the issues that you've expressed are only going to get worked out in communication with her.

It could go a LOT of different ways. But I promise: you get in communication, and eventually things will work out. They may get worse first, but eventually, they'll work out.

Borla · 03-09-2006, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratbastid

That's 90% of what I have to say, right there.

Look: It would be a mistake to think that one conversation will clear this all up, or that it will be an easy conversation. But the issues that you've expressed are only going to get worked out in communication with her.

It could go a LOT of different ways. But I promise: you get in communication, and eventually things will work out. They may get worse first, but eventually, they'll work out.

No kidding.

It's a case for counseling if I've ever heard one.

I guess I'm old fashioned, but I always believed the "till death do us part" thing wasn't to be taken lightly. The divorce rate today says differently.

FWIW, I was married young too. I will be 28 in a couple months. In less than two weeks we have our 8th wedding anniversary. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Willravel · 03-09-2006, 08:41 PM

Well this esplains the pill thing a bit more.

Fob, you need to explore your options. Make a hypothetical decision in your mind and follow it reasonably to it's end. Divorce? Well, you two seperate, she has problems with work, you deal with several years of iffy relationships, you could find someone new, you could be happy. You could not find anyone and end up being a happy bachelor. You could be a sad bachelor. On the other hand, you could stick with it and continue to try new things to reinvigorate your marriage. You could explore each other's interests further. You could both go on a diet and exercise program together. Learn music together. Write a novel together. Rediscover your common ground and use it as a foundation on which to rebuild your relationship.

Either way, I do suggest that you talk to a marriage/family therapist. The good people on TFP will help you as much as we can, but there are limits.

SAM821 · 03-09-2006, 08:42 PM

Well, you need to get an understanding of what you want man. I admire that you are admirable in the fact that you will remain loyal no matter what. But here is the deal. You have two options.

Option A: You must make things better. Find a midpoint where both of you can accept each others interests. Combine them, like you know go out to a movie where its loud for example... Show interest in her things and maybe she will be encouraged to enjoy yours... perhaps find New interests together. Things like this can improve a relationship. Also encourage yourselves to go to the gym. Its good quality time you will spend with each other every day and you will reap from the benefits in more ways than one. And finally find a way to spice up your love life. Maybe when you decide to have sex (on that once a week occasion) do something different, get freaky, go down on her, do it multiple times, things like that... try to make it fun. Perhaps this will make it become more of a frequent occasion again. You must ressurrect the love life you have. Thats 50% of the relationship right there.

After you accomplish this then maybe you will become happy again. And you will enjoy your spouses company and the fact that you are married once again.

Option B: Divorce. Move on and understand that there is no such thing as only ONE person in the world for you... There will always be others... sometimes people make mistakes, get drunk go to vegas and get married in a chapel. Only to wake up the next morning and discover what is lying in bed next to them... (metaphorically speaking). What im trying to say is dont shoot yourself down and think that she is the only person in the world that would date you. Once you have that though out of your mind. Get back in shape, work out. Dress nice, Go out and enjoy the "single life" and do the things that you were never able to do while dating/married to this girl.

Biggest thing is Hopefully you dont have kids yet. This will make your decisions much easier. Use your judgment. But understand that if you arent happy now, and you arent willing to make it better, then your mind is already made up and you need to move on... BUT if you really love her than stick to option A.

Hope this helps!

SAM821 · 03-09-2006, 08:44 PM

wow... Willravel and I were on the same page there!

Willravel · 03-09-2006, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SAM821

wow... Willravel and I were on the same page there!

Yes! The similarities between the two posts is striking! It certianally makes me all the more sure of my advise to see it come from someoe else as well.

Fob_Magi · 03-09-2006, 09:11 PM

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Willravel · 03-09-2006, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fob_Magi

well I have thought about this and followed this to all of its possibilites (not just this moment, but before)... and the strange thing about that is, the worst possible conclusion I can think of is that SHE ends up alone, without a mate, without children, without a job worthy of her education, without money. I've gone thru alot of shit in my life and I always seem to get by for the better... this is the one place I feel I might have seriously made a wrong turn at...

That is EXTREMLY telling. You obviously care and have a great deal of sympathy for your wife. That could be the beginnings of discovering a foundation for rebuilding your marriage, or it could be a great foundation for friendship after a seperation. Again, you really shold talk to someone professionally about this with your wife.

We all want what's best for both of you. Best of luck.

scout · 03-10-2006, 04:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fob_Magi

well I have thought about this and followed this to all of its possibilites (not just this moment, but before)... and the strange thing about that is, the worst possible conclusion I can think of is that SHE ends up alone, without a mate, without children, without a job worthy of her education, without money. I've gone thru alot of shit in my life and I always seem to get by for the better... this is the one place I feel I might have seriously made a wrong turn at...

I have an uncle who is once divoriced 50 and single...
She has a aunt who is once divoriced 50 and single...

......

I might just be biased, but my uncle seems much happier and much more well off than her aunt.. what if I ruin HER life?

If you wait until your both 50 to divorce then yes you will have ruined her life. AT 50 she will most certainly be lonely[ which there is a good possibility she is lonely now] and without a mate or children. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but you seem to be one of the most self-absorbed people I've ever had the pleasure of reading one of their post on a message board. You have issues that go far beyond the marriage. It seems everything is about you and what you want with little consideration of the wants and needs of the person you chose [out of fear of being alone or in another word selfishness ] to spend the rest of your life with. No small wonder your both depressed and living in mental squalor. If you was any sort of a man you would try counseling for yourself first and marraige counseling second. Then if you still feel the way you do at the moment you would let the little lady go to find happiness while she is still young. It's bad enough to ruin your own life. Don't drag someone else down with you just because your scared of being alone.

tecoyah · 03-10-2006, 04:46 AM

Grow a set of Balls man.....talk to her, explain what you feel, compromise where needed, and FIX THE DAMN PROBLEMS. Your entire post is a plea for someone to Kick you in the ass , and MAKE you act....consider yourself Kicked. You can dwell in the depression you both have created for each other, or you can at least "Try" to repair what you have before it falls apart completely.

Give it a year of serious effort....if after that time you see no progress, its time to consider the relationship might be failed, but if you never get off your ass and try you are selling both of you short.

Poppinjay · 03-10-2006, 05:37 AM

Get up and excercise too. It makes you feel better.

Start the conversations.

It's unlikely you'll both end up alone. But if you do, so what? Is that some new kind of torture - being able to come and go when you want, enjoy your life on your own terms?

If you break up and you each want to meet people, you'll meet people.

Fob_Magi · 03-10-2006, 06:37 AM

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Fob_Magi · 03-10-2006, 06:44 AM

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Jackebear · 03-10-2006, 06:47 AM

Wow, I just read your story and saw another part of my life that might have been.

That was my life...almost. In love with the first girl, fear of never getting anyone else, lots of sex, nothing in common, given the ultimatum, proposed, already to get married and finally, after being sick to my stomach everyday for 6 months, called it off one month before the wedding. Yeah, I lost the ring, and the trip money and deposit for the hotel BUT my life changed for ever...for the best.

Basically, I'm just saying wow, a parallel universe does exist.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck with your marriage.

Fob_Magi · 03-10-2006, 06:50 AM

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Poppinjay · 03-10-2006, 07:41 AM

Who said anything about her going to the gym with you? If the random hotties you see around your hood or at the gym are too much to bear, then I would suggest it’s time to get out. You’re obviously being kept from doing the things you’ve dreamed of doing. Once you start working on yourself, you'll realize that denying yourself happiness makes the relationship cheap and flimsy for all involved.

Until you do something about the situation you’re in, it won’t get better. Tomorrow will not be better than today. So either start talking seriously about this with your wife, or just get out. If she has a fit and you can’t communicate with her, then that will be it. Let a lawyer help you come to an equitable closure on this relationship and go do what you want to do.

maleficent · 03-10-2006, 07:50 AM

Just remember the grass isn't always greener...

you take yourself with you in any relationship...

The problem doesn't sound like it's with your wife, as a couple,, but within yourselves, as individuals... and that's what you need to fix first... before you can fix your relationship, if indeed you want to fix it. Have the two of you sat down and had a real talk - -no holds barred about how each of you feels - not accusing each other of things - not blaming - but an honest to god discussion of feelings...

You need to figure out what you want... and what you are willing to do to get it and she has to do the same thing.

Jinn · 03-10-2006, 09:38 AM

What's very telling about this post is that you almost never make reference to how your wife feels about ANY of these issues. This means you've either never talked about them in proper detail or you've omitted them from your post. So.. you need to lay out the "Path of Communication";

It's really something that I just made up by thinking about how I would (and others should) solve problems like this. What do you two need to talk about?

List these things.

To get you started:
You wanting to try new things
Her depression
Your respective attraction levels
Your interest in other women
Your previous dreams (especially those which are woefully unmet)
Your fear of leaving her
Your fear of hurting her
Your goals for the future
Your feeling that you don't share enough common interests

With those listed, it's pretty apparent that there's a LOT to talk about. Obviously you can't talk about ALL of this in one conversation, as you'd have a clusterfuck of crying and very little mutual progress. So think about it; if ONE of these things could change now, which would have the most positive effect on your outlook for this relationship (and life)? If it's your desire to fuck other women, than that is the one. If its your fear of leaving her alone, then that is the one. Once you talk about one and resolve it, your path will be on the Path of Communication. You'll feel better about the relationship since you chose THIS as the one to have the most positive effect.

Move down the list until you've gone down everything there is to talk about. About half way through, you'll start to know which way it's going. Either she's unable to help you resolve these issues and its time to move on, or you've just improved your relationship tenfold. Since you're only half way done, there's room for ANOTHER tenfold improvement. Isn't that exciting? If you don't even have the motivation to TRY to improve the relationship, then this is a sign of its own.

The most important part of this process is HOW you approach each of these topics. It's something that I'd say the vast majority of people are bad at; approaching sensitive issues. You need a combination of blunt honesty and compassionate concern. On the issue of being attracted to other women, this is completely natural. However, are you still attracted to HER as well? Make sure that this is clear in your discussion. If you elaborate for hours about how other women are attractive without reminding her that she still is, then its going to be taken the wrong way. Likewise, if you're approaching it, even mentally, as "something you want" rather than "something that will help us," she's going to be less susceptive.

To be honest, I'd ask her tonight if she "feels any difference in your relationship lately." If she has, ask her what it is. If she asks you why, tell her why.

That's just my 2cents.

highthief · 03-10-2006, 10:00 AM

I think I can only echo what some others have said. Seek counselling, preferably as a couple but as in individual if she cannot or will not go. I think you both have issues that run deeper than the marriage, that relate to who you are as your own selves, and counselling can help you resolve that.

This is a great place to vent, but no place to find answers to a very important question such as this.

analog · 03-10-2006, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fob_Magi

2) I have low self esteem, I’m scared that if I left her I would be alone forever… she even used this against me once when I was unsure if I wanted to get married or leave. “Do you want to end up old and alone like your uncle? Nothing but your money and work to keep you company?” There are a couple key points I require of mate… basic fundamental ideology, that I am not likely to change ever. These requirements seriously destroy my ‘mate pool’.

To be honest, holding something over your head like this is a very uncool thing to do to someone.

You've only been married a few years, you don't have kids, divorce won't hurt that badly. Have some talks with her before 2 years turns into 10 years, or 15 years, and you're utterly miserable but by then have kids in the deal. Don't do that. Fix it now, either by firming up your feelings, or letting the marriage come to an end. Go talk to her.

Sweetpea · 03-10-2006, 11:23 AM

I think you need to really sit down and think about what you want.

Being alone is better than being miserable with someone, in my opinion.

That being said ... Communicate these things to her. talking about something goes a long way.

If you do decide to stay... really put yourself into giving yourself 100% to the relationship.

Also, i think some couples couseling would be a good idea if you're comfortable with it.

sweetpea

Daniel_ · 03-10-2006, 12:51 PM

If you don't talk to her abut it, eventually the decision is going to be taken from you, and maybe in a way that hurts you both.

Be honest, be gentle, and be loving.

If you express yourself with honesty and love, you cannot help but make things better in the long run.

Even if her reaction is to say "in that case I'm leaving", you'll have saved yourself wasted years.

I just married the best woman I ever met, but I wish I could have done it years earlier - but I couldn't, because I originally married the first woman that came along; your story sounds so much like mine it almost made me cry - for lost hopes, for you, for me, for all sorts of painful reasons.

If I'd had the honesty to realise that the person I was at 25 (when I married my ex-wife) was nothing like the person I was at 17 (when we started dating), I wouldn't have had to divorce at 33.

If you love her you have to fulfil her dreams - if they don't include watching a guy she used to fancy bloat up and start to bore her in bed then you need to go for a run.

If they don't include bloating up herself and losing her libido then SHE needs to go for a run.

Step one: Eat less, move about more.
Step two: switch the TV off, the PC off, the Stereo off and talk to her - write her letters - chalk it on the outside of the house, but SOMEHOW make her realise your hopes dreams and fears.

If all else fails, walk away while you both still have time.

Whatever else you do, please, PLEASE leave her before you sleep with a new woman - casual extra-marital sex is not the solution, but it's a great way to make lawyers rich.

Toaster126 · 03-10-2006, 03:25 PM

Communication is key in all aspects here.

Ironically, I just had a very similar thing happen to me. Me and the GF broke up because I needed to do some more exploring. Since I didn't become interested in sex until I was 18 (and I'm freshly 22 now), I still have more exploring I need to do so I don't end up in a situation like this one. It took a while to admit this to myself, but I realized that just because some people don't need to explore, doesn't mean that me needing to is bad or wrong.

Bryndian_Dhai · 03-10-2006, 11:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

Just remember the grass isn't always greener...

you take yourself with you in any relationship...

The problem doesn't sound like it's with your wife, as a couple,, but within yourselves, as individuals... and that's what you need to fix first... before you can fix your relationship, if indeed you want to fix it. Have the two of you sat down and had a real talk - -no holds barred about how each of you feels - not accusing each other of things - not blaming - but an honest to god discussion of feelings...

You need to figure out what you want... and what you are willing to do to get it and she has to do the same thing.

You beat me to it!

To put it my own way... It doesn't matter what you do or don't do about your marriage. You will always have these issues until you deal with what lies at the root of the problems you are facing: Your lack of self-esteem.

There is nothing... and I mean nothing... that you can not handle in your marriage if you deal with the issues inside yourself that are making you miserable. Your craving for other women has nothing to do with resentment toward your wife for "making" you get married... She didn't make you, you chose to give in to her ultimatum and get married. If she played on one of your issues to get you to do so, and you allowed yourself to be manipulated because you were afraid, it was still your choice to get married.

Get counselling. For yourself and for your marriage, but for yourself first of all. You won't ever know if your marriage is right for you if you don't know who YOU are. Only she can decide that for herself, but whatever her decision is, you'll never regret getting your own issues taken care of.

savvypup · 03-11-2006, 02:27 AM

Hey Fob Magi. Although this is of no help to your situation, it's reassuring to me (who's going through a real shitty part of life as well) to hear of others in a similar boat. Counselling, which seems to be the consensus here, is the way to go (been there, done that) but I personally think it's best to have it one-on-one with the counsellor first. You obviously have some HUGE issues with yourself that need resolution and I found that a counsellor helped immensely even if just for the fact of prodding me to really dig to the heart of where my issues where stemming from. Does your wife see that there's a problem? Have you mentioned to her you're not happy or has she? Because you both need to acknowledge that there's problem before trying counselling.

Selfish? That's harsh I think. You did talk about certain BIG future paths before getting married didn't you ie babies etc. I think most people do, and if you said to the contrary, then back then, then fair enough. Having kids is THE BIGGEST issue that will ever be raised in a normal relationship. I have a 2.5yr old and my husband and I (seperated for 14 mths now) get on really well, but it's hard. We will always have that bond and I want her to know her dad and vice versa. Do Not Cave Into Having Kids If Your Relationship Is Shakey Or To Keep Her Happy - this is one decision you cannot step back from.

I have so much more to add, but .....

Good Luck!!

Nimetic · 03-11-2006, 03:36 AM

You know... it seems to me that every woman that I've been out with has had quite different interests to me.

So. Ur. I guess what I'm saying is that I think men and women do have different tendencies there. Ok - there are some chicks that like war movies and board games, and some guys that really get off on drama flicks + handcrafts. But I don't think that this is the norm.

Nimetic · 03-11-2006, 03:45 AM

On exercise... I wouldn't give up on that. If she won't do it, could you perhaps try it unilaterally? Give her something to think about eh. Perhaps she'll eventually come on board if she sees you getting results (?)

I'm thinking that perhaps you could find a "low glamour coefficient" gym.

I'm not sure about your area - but I know that in AU, each gym has a different vibe. For example, there are new gyms (chicks, lycra, makeup, ipods, fashion,flesh), older gyms (tracksuits, less TVs), and weights oriented gyms with mainly guys. Generally I prefer the latter types.

For what it's worth though - when I go to the gym, I do weights while my partner does a class with the girls.

Hope this helps some..

Nimetic · 03-11-2006, 04:07 AM

That sounds overly harsh Scout. If you don't mind me saying so...

My interpretation is that this has been posted because Fob is not happy with the direction his thoughts are going - he is examing his conscience and moral choices and doing so in public. We don't have to read them if we don't want to.

I'm assuming that on a day-to-day basis, the poster does lots of other things besides lusting after women (which I'm sure all guys do anyways) and worrying about his life.

... or her life. He seems more bothered by that if you ask me.

Aurakles · 03-11-2006, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fob_Magi

the worst possible conclusion I can think of is that SHE ends up alone, without a mate, without children, without a job worthy of her education, without money...what if I ruin HER life?

I hate to sound macabre, but if that is the basis for maintaining the relationship, then perhaps you two should seek counseling. I mean, it's a rather arrogant and/or selfish notion. Loneliness or the possibility of it and/or the idea that you could ruin a person's life by ending a relationship sounds fatalistic and one-dimensional. I don't think either you or your wife is so pathetic that without each other your lives will result in disaster. It might sound romantic to you, but it sounds hopeless to me. Besides, you are not your uncle and she is not her aunt; it is not as if their lives are vicariously manifested through yours. Anyway, I do not wish to sound like a hallmark card, but marriage (especially) should be based on compromise, communication, trust, and love, not loneliness or the thought that you can ruin someone's life. Talk to your wife and make sure you're as brutally honest with her as you are with us…and please stop with the "I will never do this or never do that." Like Muhammad Ali once said, "If you arrive at 50 with the same thoughts you had at 25, then you have wasted half of your life." Moreover, remember that we are the author's of our lives; our future is not pre-determined by the mistakes of others, but rather by the choices we make. Surely, no one consciously wants to make a mistake, but only people who do nothing makes no mistakes. You have to live and make mistakes; mistakes are messages, and the biggest mistake that you can make is to constantly fear that you will make one.

absorbentishe · 03-11-2006, 05:53 PM

Dude, sorry that you are going through this, but.. you sound fairly young. If you didn't want to be married, why did you go through with it in the first place??? IMO, I think you need to do some self examination first, then start communicating better with your wife, period. If you can open up to us, you should be able to open up with her, you are married to her for pete's sake. Every marriage has an ebb and flow so just think about that. You say you're not religious and that's fine, but is she, I think I missed that? Once you open the communication door with her, suggest a marriage counselor, or therapist or something. If she knows how you truely feel, she can begin to accept this, and vice versa. Don't waste 10 or 15 years in a place you don't want to be, but you did say "till death do you part", that's a huge contract to fullfil. I hope you can accept her for what she is, and she you and work from their. Divorce is never pretty, no matter who you are, and I hope you can avoid it. Good luck, and remember you can vent and ask for advice, but if you ask, you better be aware of what you'll get.

Fob_Magi · 03-12-2006, 10:30 AM

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Sage · 03-12-2006, 06:48 PM

Getting married doesn't "fix" a damned thing. Getting married requires committment, understanding, and complete communication from both people in order for the marriage to work.

You want to not be married. She's unhappy, you're unhappy, where is the problem in getting a divorce? Talk to your wife- show her some respect by being a man and communicating with her. Don't just bottle it all in- if you care for her you'll tell her how you REALLY feel. She'll be fine without you, she made it the first what, twenty years of her life just fine, right? She'll survive. Meanwhile, if you stay married, your sanity and your penis will wither away into nothingness and you'll end up hating each other. Not a good way to spend the rest of your life, eh?

Step back from your situation for a moment- imagine if your best friend in the whole world was going through teh same thing... what would you tell him? Follow that advice. Go with what your gut tells you will be best for YOU. Get yourself straight and stop worrying about anyone else, they'll sort themselves out in their own time.

TotalMILF · 03-12-2006, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fob_Magi

I love blue m&m's but after eating nothing but blue m&m's for 5 years I really really want to taste a green m&m.. all my friends say they taste just the same.. but I just can't believe it... however if I eat enough blue m&m's I'll be too full to even want a green one... The problem is there is a blue m&m shortage lately and I'm starving and want any m&m I can get my hands on..

Please don't take this as a personal attack - I'm just stating what I'm getting out of your posts.

You sound far too selfish and immature to be married. No matter what you say about loving your wife, you give off the impression that you care only about YOU, and you can't possibly have a marriage with that mentality. It seems, from the comments you've made, that you also have little respect for your wife. If you did have respect for her you'd be talking to HER, instead of letting a bunch of anonymous people on a message board know that you want to fuck other women because you're unsatisfied with your marriage and sex life. IMO, you have a lot of growing up to do before you can share your life with someone else. At the moment, however, you NEED to talk to your wife about your concerns, not us.

Sage · 03-12-2006, 11:10 PM

Seconding what MILF said

wolf · 03-13-2006, 06:01 AM

Ok, there are so many things to work through here.

1. There is a definite issue with childhood.

"When I was a kid I spent at least once a week hiding in the closet while my parents fought (nothing physical just screaming and yelling), I had virtually no friends until late in highschool, I got a job when I was 16, my dad died when I was 17"

You need to deal with this. There was some obvious neglect here and even if your parents paid all sorts of attention to you, there is still a need for therapy here as your theory of positve relationships is probably out of whack. This would be why you want to get out of your marriage.

2. Getting out of your marriage:

"I really feel I have missed something, I see other women and it literally physically hurts me to think of what it might be like to touch them, to be close to them. I can’t cheat on my wife. I just couldn’t do it, but I think about it every day."

Do you really think that is what it will be like to be single? All of the women of the world will hear that you are newly divorced and will allow you to touch them, ummm not likely. This is a selfish feeling. Every married guy out there looks at other women and wonders what it would be like to touch them or have sex with them. "What would she do that my wife won't do?" Probably nothing, but that is the fantasy. Go and ask someone who is single how great it is. OK, wait, go and ask someone who is single, and doesn't want to be how they like being single, or how easy it is to find the right girl. It's not easy. There isn't going to be this huge pool of women waiting for you. True, you're 24, you're young, you've got youth on your side, but when you get lonely, when you want someone next to you, who will that be? Also don't you think if after you find this "Ms. Right" you will have the same feelings about wanting to touch every woman you see?

Staying single for the rest of your life isn't any picnic either. You need emotional companionship. You need someone to celebrate your ups and be there to help you get through the downs.

Get some couples therapy, as well as getting some 1:1 therapy for your issues.

3. Differences

"She likes romantic comedies and mystery-drama movies. I like Stupid comedy and war movies."

Congratulations! You've just described about 80% of the male/female movie likes in America. It's called compromise kiddo, check it out. So you go to a romantic comedy that she enjoys and then make her go to a stupid comedy movie. Thats how it works. My wife and I are the same way. Did I want to see Pride and Prejudice, no, but she didn't want to see Saw II, we saw both.

4. I don't even know what to call this as there are so many issues:

"I am not Christian, I do not believe in god, I will not believe in a god. If she believes in god that is fine. If her beliefs require her to openly worship that god.. or for me to do this, it is unnacceptable.
*She cannot want children, I never want children. Ever. I am too selfish to have children. I don’t like children. This world is self-destructing due to over-population and I want to do everything I can to reduce this trend, it would be completely irresponsible to have a child."

OK first off religion can help. It is a good thing to believe in something. I am not saying that you have to pick one of the Christian religions. Pick something and try it. You might just learn that the world does not revolve around you. Seriously, it doesn't. The world is not here to satisfy your needs and desires.
To say that you wouldn't be able to deal with someone openly worshiping god is a pretty ridiculous statement.

Children: this is a really immature attitude. First off, you're 24, you don't have to have kids right now. On the otherhand, kids can be amazing. Don't knock them yet.

So in your perfect world you would be a single person who is totally self absorbed who can walk around touching any woman you want without committing to them. Will have sex with women to try different ones. Perhaps when your older you will meet a Drinking, Athiest, self-loathing woman who will dote on you and your every want, allow you to look at, touch, and screw other women and who likes to have lots and lots of sex.

Good luck, call us when you meet her.

Ustwo · 03-13-2006, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tecoyah

Grow a set of Balls man.....talk to her, explain what you feel, compromise where needed, and FIX THE DAMN PROBLEMS. Your entire post is a plea for someone to Kick you in the ass , and MAKE you act....consider yourself Kicked. You can dwell in the depression you both have created for each other, or you can at least "Try" to repair what you have before it falls apart completely.

Give it a year of serious effort....if after that time you see no progress, its time to consider the relationship might be failed, but if you never get off your ass and try you are selling both of you short.

QFT (thats quoted for truth for those that don't know)

Ok so you REALLY want to have sex with other woman, here are your choices.

#1. Keep it inside like many men do, until finally old age purges those hormones from your system.
#2. Have an affair like many many men do, perhaps feel guilty and parinoid about it the rest of your life.
#3. Have sex with hookers which is like #2 only they don't follow you home.
#4. Explore alternative relationships with her, be it an open marriage or swinging, but be aware that means you have to deal with her having sex with other guys.
#5. Get a divorce (you are only 24 and no kids) and get back into the game.

Whatever the hell ya do, work it out BEFORE you have kids.

Fob_Magi · 03-13-2006, 01:13 PM

-gone-

I have removed this post.

SecretMethod70 · 03-13-2006, 01:33 PM

I suspect that if you had another female you knew would be available after a divorce, you'd have the courage to speak with your wife. Be respectful: don't wait until it's the most convenient situation for you, talk to your wife now and don't lead her on.

If you really want to put effort into it, get counselling. Saying you need to work up the courage to speak with your wife *before* counselling is a cop-out. What do you think the one-on-one counselling will help you do? It will also help you better realize what you want and need. And to top it all off, it'll do those things *FAAAAR* better than you're going to get here.

Ustwo · 03-13-2006, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fob_Magi

Also I know that most women don't like games and action movies, its not just that, its a whole combination of things where we differ, the only things we mutually enjoy are a few TV shows and food (not even same kind of foods).. the 2 things which have made us fat and taken away the 3rd thing we used to mutually enjoy, our sex life.

Well my wife and I like completely different things, and do not share tastes in foods (I like everything shes more limited) yet we think we are very lucky to have found each other, and I could not ask for a better marriage, (hell if she played games I'd be stuck grouping with her and I don't have the patients for newbies

).
I think I found the root of your problem. You are both fat, you hate it (can't speak for her) and you are not attracted to her being fat.

Now we are all told to love shouldn't be skin deep, and its not, but sex sure as hell is for me. Some people will tell you its wrong to think that way, they always do, but who cares. I love my wife but if she decided to become 300 lbs and refused to try to loose weight, I'd still love her but I wouldn't be having sex with her.

First off don't give me the bullshit that you can't loose the weight. Thats crap. No one violates the laws of physics. Eat less food and you will lose weight. I lost 30 lbs since last May so I have no sympathy in that department. Same goes for her. Every time I hear someone whine they can't loose weight or whatever, its bullshit.

So that is where you first need to focus. In my case focusing on myself first is what got my wife to loose weight too, and shes officially back to hottie status. Also if you are out of shape, no confidence, and no self esteem you are going to need to be using my option #3 and thats not a good place to be if you decide a divorce is needed.

03-09-2006, 08:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-delete please- -gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:02 AM..

03-09-2006, 09:11 PM	#8 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:03 AM..

03-10-2006, 04:46 AM	#11 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Grow a set of Balls man.....talk to her, explain what you feel, compromise where needed, and FIX THE DAMN PROBLEMS. Your entire post is a plea for someone to Kick you in the ass , and MAKE you act....consider yourself Kicked. You can dwell in the depression you both have created for each other, or you can at least "Try" to repair what you have before it falls apart completely. Give it a year of serious effort....if after that time you see no progress, its time to consider the relationship might be failed, but if you never get off your ass and try you are selling both of you short. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha Last edited by tecoyah; 03-10-2006 at 04:48 AM..

03-10-2006, 05:37 AM	#12 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	Get up and excercise too. It makes you feel better. Start the conversations. It's unlikely you'll both end up alone. But if you do, so what? Is that some new kind of torture - being able to come and go when you want, enjoy your life on your own terms? If you break up and you each want to meet people, you'll meet people. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

03-10-2006, 06:37 AM	#13 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:03 AM..

03-09-2006, 08:41 PM	#4 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Well this esplains the pill thing a bit more. Fob, you need to explore your options. Make a hypothetical decision in your mind and follow it reasonably to it's end. Divorce? Well, you two seperate, she has problems with work, you deal with several years of iffy relationships, you could find someone new, you could be happy. You could not find anyone and end up being a happy bachelor. You could be a sad bachelor. On the other hand, you could stick with it and continue to try new things to reinvigorate your marriage. You could explore each other's interests further. You could both go on a diet and exercise program together. Learn music together. Write a novel together. Rediscover your common ground and use it as a foundation on which to rebuild your relationship. Either way, I do suggest that you talk to a marriage/family therapist. The good people on TFP will help you as much as we can, but there are limits.

03-09-2006, 08:42 PM	#5 (permalink)
SAM821 Surviving Hurricanes Location: Miami, Florida	Well, you need to get an understanding of what you want man. I admire that you are admirable in the fact that you will remain loyal no matter what. But here is the deal. You have two options. Option A: You must make things better. Find a midpoint where both of you can accept each others interests. Combine them, like you know go out to a movie where its loud for example... Show interest in her things and maybe she will be encouraged to enjoy yours... perhaps find New interests together. Things like this can improve a relationship. Also encourage yourselves to go to the gym. Its good quality time you will spend with each other every day and you will reap from the benefits in more ways than one. And finally find a way to spice up your love life. Maybe when you decide to have sex (on that once a week occasion) do something different, get freaky, go down on her, do it multiple times, things like that... try to make it fun. Perhaps this will make it become more of a frequent occasion again. You must ressurrect the love life you have. Thats 50% of the relationship right there. After you accomplish this then maybe you will become happy again. And you will enjoy your spouses company and the fact that you are married once again. Option B: Divorce. Move on and understand that there is no such thing as only ONE person in the world for you... There will always be others... sometimes people make mistakes, get drunk go to vegas and get married in a chapel. Only to wake up the next morning and discover what is lying in bed next to them... (metaphorically speaking). What im trying to say is dont shoot yourself down and think that she is the only person in the world that would date you. Once you have that though out of your mind. Get back in shape, work out. Dress nice, Go out and enjoy the "single life" and do the things that you were never able to do while dating/married to this girl. Biggest thing is Hopefully you dont have kids yet. This will make your decisions much easier. Use your judgment. But understand that if you arent happy now, and you arent willing to make it better, then your mind is already made up and you need to move on... BUT if you really love her than stick to option A. Hope this helps!

03-09-2006, 08:44 PM	#6 (permalink)
SAM821 Surviving Hurricanes Location: Miami, Florida	wow... Willravel and I were on the same page there!

03-10-2006, 06:44 AM	#14 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:03 AM..

03-10-2006, 06:47 AM	#15 (permalink)
Jackebear Insane	Wow, I just read your story and saw another part of my life that might have been. That was my life...almost. In love with the first girl, fear of never getting anyone else, lots of sex, nothing in common, given the ultimatum, proposed, already to get married and finally, after being sick to my stomach everyday for 6 months, called it off one month before the wedding. Yeah, I lost the ring, and the trip money and deposit for the hotel BUT my life changed for ever...for the best. Basically, I'm just saying wow, a parallel universe does exist. I wish you nothing but the best of luck with your marriage. __________________ Life's jounney is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out shouting, "Holy sh*t! What a ride!" - unknown

03-10-2006, 06:50 AM	#16 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:03 AM..

03-10-2006, 07:41 AM	#17 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	Who said anything about her going to the gym with you? If the random hotties you see around your hood or at the gym are too much to bear, then I would suggest it’s time to get out. You’re obviously being kept from doing the things you’ve dreamed of doing. Once you start working on yourself, you'll realize that denying yourself happiness makes the relationship cheap and flimsy for all involved. Until you do something about the situation you’re in, it won’t get better. Tomorrow will not be better than today. So either start talking seriously about this with your wife, or just get out. If she has a fit and you can’t communicate with her, then that will be it. Let a lawyer help you come to an equitable closure on this relationship and go do what you want to do. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

03-10-2006, 07:50 AM	#18 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Just remember the grass isn't always greener... you take yourself with you in any relationship... The problem doesn't sound like it's with your wife, as a couple,, but within yourselves, as individuals... and that's what you need to fix first... before you can fix your relationship, if indeed you want to fix it. Have the two of you sat down and had a real talk - -no holds barred about how each of you feels - not accusing each other of things - not blaming - but an honest to god discussion of feelings... You need to figure out what you want... and what you are willing to do to get it and she has to do the same thing. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

03-10-2006, 09:38 AM	#19 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	What's very telling about this post is that you almost never make reference to how your wife feels about ANY of these issues. This means you've either never talked about them in proper detail or you've omitted them from your post. So.. you need to lay out the "Path of Communication"; It's really something that I just made up by thinking about how I would (and others should) solve problems like this. What do you two need to talk about? List these things. To get you started: You wanting to try new things Her depression Your respective attraction levels Your interest in other women Your previous dreams (especially those which are woefully unmet) Your fear of leaving her Your fear of hurting her Your goals for the future Your feeling that you don't share enough common interests With those listed, it's pretty apparent that there's a LOT to talk about. Obviously you can't talk about ALL of this in one conversation, as you'd have a clusterfuck of crying and very little mutual progress. So think about it; if ONE of these things could change now, which would have the most positive effect on your outlook for this relationship (and life)? If it's your desire to fuck other women, than that is the one. If its your fear of leaving her alone, then that is the one. Once you talk about one and resolve it, your path will be on the Path of Communication. You'll feel better about the relationship since you chose THIS as the one to have the most positive effect. Move down the list until you've gone down everything there is to talk about. About half way through, you'll start to know which way it's going. Either she's unable to help you resolve these issues and its time to move on, or you've just improved your relationship tenfold. Since you're only half way done, there's room for ANOTHER tenfold improvement. Isn't that exciting? If you don't even have the motivation to TRY to improve the relationship, then this is a sign of its own. The most important part of this process is HOW you approach each of these topics. It's something that I'd say the vast majority of people are bad at; approaching sensitive issues. You need a combination of blunt honesty and compassionate concern. On the issue of being attracted to other women, this is completely natural. However, are you still attracted to HER as well? Make sure that this is clear in your discussion. If you elaborate for hours about how other women are attractive without reminding her that she still is, then its going to be taken the wrong way. Likewise, if you're approaching it, even mentally, as "something you want" rather than "something that will help us," she's going to be less susceptive. To be honest, I'd ask her tonight if she "feels any difference in your relationship lately." If she has, ask her what it is. If she asks you why, tell her why. That's just my 2cents. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

03-10-2006, 10:00 AM	#20 (permalink)
highthief Junkie Location: Ontario, Canada	I think I can only echo what some others have said. Seek counselling, preferably as a couple but as in individual if she cannot or will not go. I think you both have issues that run deeper than the marriage, that relate to who you are as your own selves, and counselling can help you resolve that. This is a great place to vent, but no place to find answers to a very important question such as this. __________________ Si vis pacem parabellum.

03-10-2006, 11:23 AM	#22 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	I think you need to really sit down and think about what you want. Being alone is better than being miserable with someone, in my opinion. That being said ... Communicate these things to her. talking about something goes a long way. If you do decide to stay... really put yourself into giving yourself 100% to the relationship. Also, i think some couples couseling would be a good idea if you're comfortable with it. sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

03-10-2006, 12:51 PM	#23 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	If you don't talk to her abut it, eventually the decision is going to be taken from you, and maybe in a way that hurts you both. Be honest, be gentle, and be loving. If you express yourself with honesty and love, you cannot help but make things better in the long run. Even if her reaction is to say "in that case I'm leaving", you'll have saved yourself wasted years. I just married the best woman I ever met, but I wish I could have done it years earlier - but I couldn't, because I originally married the first woman that came along; your story sounds so much like mine it almost made me cry - for lost hopes, for you, for me, for all sorts of painful reasons. If I'd had the honesty to realise that the person I was at 25 (when I married my ex-wife) was nothing like the person I was at 17 (when we started dating), I wouldn't have had to divorce at 33. If you love her you have to fulfil her dreams - if they don't include watching a guy she used to fancy bloat up and start to bore her in bed then you need to go for a run. If they don't include bloating up herself and losing her libido then SHE needs to go for a run. Step one: Eat less, move about more. Step two: switch the TV off, the PC off, the Stereo off and talk to her - write her letters - chalk it on the outside of the house, but SOMEHOW make her realise your hopes dreams and fears. If all else fails, walk away while you both still have time. Whatever else you do, please, PLEASE leave her before you sleep with a new woman - casual extra-marital sex is not the solution, but it's a great way to make lawyers rich. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

03-10-2006, 03:25 PM	#24 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	Communication is key in all aspects here. Ironically, I just had a very similar thing happen to me. Me and the GF broke up because I needed to do some more exploring. Since I didn't become interested in sex until I was 18 (and I'm freshly 22 now), I still have more exploring I need to do so I don't end up in a situation like this one. It took a while to admit this to myself, but I realized that just because some people don't need to explore, doesn't mean that me needing to is bad or wrong. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

03-11-2006, 02:27 AM	#26 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	Hey Fob Magi. Although this is of no help to your situation, it's reassuring to me (who's going through a real shitty part of life as well) to hear of others in a similar boat. Counselling, which seems to be the consensus here, is the way to go (been there, done that) but I personally think it's best to have it one-on-one with the counsellor first. You obviously have some HUGE issues with yourself that need resolution and I found that a counsellor helped immensely even if just for the fact of prodding me to really dig to the heart of where my issues where stemming from. Does your wife see that there's a problem? Have you mentioned to her you're not happy or has she? Because you both need to acknowledge that there's problem before trying counselling. Selfish? That's harsh I think. You did talk about certain BIG future paths before getting married didn't you ie babies etc. I think most people do, and if you said to the contrary, then back then, then fair enough. Having kids is THE BIGGEST issue that will ever be raised in a normal relationship. I have a 2.5yr old and my husband and I (seperated for 14 mths now) get on really well, but it's hard. We will always have that bond and I want her to know her dad and vice versa. Do Not Cave Into Having Kids If Your Relationship Is Shakey Or To Keep Her Happy - this is one decision you cannot step back from. I have so much more to add, but ..... Good Luck!!

03-11-2006, 03:36 AM	#27 (permalink)
Nimetic Junkie Location: Melbourne, Australia	You know... it seems to me that every woman that I've been out with has had quite different interests to me. So. Ur. I guess what I'm saying is that I think men and women do have different tendencies there. Ok - there are some chicks that like war movies and board games, and some guys that really get off on drama flicks + handcrafts. But I don't think that this is the norm.

03-11-2006, 03:45 AM	#28 (permalink)
Nimetic Junkie Location: Melbourne, Australia	On exercise... I wouldn't give up on that. If she won't do it, could you perhaps try it unilaterally? Give her something to think about eh. Perhaps she'll eventually come on board if she sees you getting results (?) I'm thinking that perhaps you could find a "low glamour coefficient" gym. I'm not sure about your area - but I know that in AU, each gym has a different vibe. For example, there are new gyms (chicks, lycra, makeup, ipods, fashion,flesh), older gyms (tracksuits, less TVs), and weights oriented gyms with mainly guys. Generally I prefer the latter types. For what it's worth though - when I go to the gym, I do weights while my partner does a class with the girls. Hope this helps some..

03-11-2006, 04:07 AM	#29 (permalink)
Nimetic Junkie Location: Melbourne, Australia	That sounds overly harsh Scout. If you don't mind me saying so... My interpretation is that this has been posted because Fob is not happy with the direction his thoughts are going - he is examing his conscience and moral choices and doing so in public. We don't have to read them if we don't want to. I'm assuming that on a day-to-day basis, the poster does lots of other things besides lusting after women (which I'm sure all guys do anyways) and worrying about his life. ... or her life. He seems more bothered by that if you ask me. Last edited by Nimetic; 03-11-2006 at 04:23 AM.. Reason: Poor grammar again. I shoulda proof read it..

03-11-2006, 05:53 PM	#31 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	Dude, sorry that you are going through this, but.. you sound fairly young. If you didn't want to be married, why did you go through with it in the first place??? IMO, I think you need to do some self examination first, then start communicating better with your wife, period. If you can open up to us, you should be able to open up with her, you are married to her for pete's sake. Every marriage has an ebb and flow so just think about that. You say you're not religious and that's fine, but is she, I think I missed that? Once you open the communication door with her, suggest a marriage counselor, or therapist or something. If she knows how you truely feel, she can begin to accept this, and vice versa. Don't waste 10 or 15 years in a place you don't want to be, but you did say "till death do you part", that's a huge contract to fullfil. I hope you can accept her for what she is, and she you and work from their. Divorce is never pretty, no matter who you are, and I hope you can avoid it. Good luck, and remember you can vent and ask for advice, but if you ask, you better be aware of what you'll get.

03-12-2006, 10:30 AM	#32 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:04 AM..

03-12-2006, 06:48 PM	#33 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Getting married doesn't "fix" a damned thing. Getting married requires committment, understanding, and complete communication from both people in order for the marriage to work. You want to not be married. She's unhappy, you're unhappy, where is the problem in getting a divorce? Talk to your wife- show her some respect by being a man and communicating with her. Don't just bottle it all in- if you care for her you'll tell her how you REALLY feel. She'll be fine without you, she made it the first what, twenty years of her life just fine, right? She'll survive. Meanwhile, if you stay married, your sanity and your penis will wither away into nothingness and you'll end up hating each other. Not a good way to spend the rest of your life, eh? Step back from your situation for a moment- imagine if your best friend in the whole world was going through teh same thing... what would you tell him? Follow that advice. Go with what your gut tells you will be best for YOU. Get yourself straight and stop worrying about anyone else, they'll sort themselves out in their own time. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

03-12-2006, 11:10 PM	#35 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Seconding what MILF said __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

03-13-2006, 06:01 AM	#36 (permalink)
wolf Ravenous Location: Right Behind You	Ok, there are so many things to work through here. 1. There is a definite issue with childhood. "When I was a kid I spent at least once a week hiding in the closet while my parents fought (nothing physical just screaming and yelling), I had virtually no friends until late in highschool, I got a job when I was 16, my dad died when I was 17" You need to deal with this. There was some obvious neglect here and even if your parents paid all sorts of attention to you, there is still a need for therapy here as your theory of positve relationships is probably out of whack. This would be why you want to get out of your marriage. 2. Getting out of your marriage: "I really feel I have missed something, I see other women and it literally physically hurts me to think of what it might be like to touch them, to be close to them. I can’t cheat on my wife. I just couldn’t do it, but I think about it every day." Do you really think that is what it will be like to be single? All of the women of the world will hear that you are newly divorced and will allow you to touch them, ummm not likely. This is a selfish feeling. Every married guy out there looks at other women and wonders what it would be like to touch them or have sex with them. "What would she do that my wife won't do?" Probably nothing, but that is the fantasy. Go and ask someone who is single how great it is. OK, wait, go and ask someone who is single, and doesn't want to be how they like being single, or how easy it is to find the right girl. It's not easy. There isn't going to be this huge pool of women waiting for you. True, you're 24, you're young, you've got youth on your side, but when you get lonely, when you want someone next to you, who will that be? Also don't you think if after you find this "Ms. Right" you will have the same feelings about wanting to touch every woman you see? Staying single for the rest of your life isn't any picnic either. You need emotional companionship. You need someone to celebrate your ups and be there to help you get through the downs. Get some couples therapy, as well as getting some 1:1 therapy for your issues. 3. Differences "She likes romantic comedies and mystery-drama movies. I like Stupid comedy and war movies." Congratulations! You've just described about 80% of the male/female movie likes in America. It's called compromise kiddo, check it out. So you go to a romantic comedy that she enjoys and then make her go to a stupid comedy movie. Thats how it works. My wife and I are the same way. Did I want to see Pride and Prejudice, no, but she didn't want to see Saw II, we saw both. 4. I don't even know what to call this as there are so many issues: "I am not Christian, I do not believe in god, I will not believe in a god. If she believes in god that is fine. If her beliefs require her to openly worship that god.. or for me to do this, it is unnacceptable. *She cannot want children, I never want children. Ever. I am too selfish to have children. I don’t like children. This world is self-destructing due to over-population and I want to do everything I can to reduce this trend, it would be completely irresponsible to have a child." OK first off religion can help. It is a good thing to believe in something. I am not saying that you have to pick one of the Christian religions. Pick something and try it. You might just learn that the world does not revolve around you. Seriously, it doesn't. The world is not here to satisfy your needs and desires. To say that you wouldn't be able to deal with someone openly worshiping god is a pretty ridiculous statement. Children: this is a really immature attitude. First off, you're 24, you don't have to have kids right now. On the otherhand, kids can be amazing. Don't knock them yet. So in your perfect world you would be a single person who is totally self absorbed who can walk around touching any woman you want without committing to them. Will have sex with women to try different ones. Perhaps when your older you will meet a Drinking, Athiest, self-loathing woman who will dote on you and your every want, allow you to look at, touch, and screw other women and who likes to have lots and lots of sex. Good luck, call us when you meet her. __________________ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

03-13-2006, 01:13 PM	#38 (permalink)
Fob_Magi Psycho Location: Texas	-gone- I have removed this post. __________________ Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor. Last edited by Fob_Magi; 07-09-2006 at 12:04 AM..

03-13-2006, 01:33 PM	#39 (permalink)
SecretMethod70 Human Administrator Location: Chicago	I suspect that if you had another female you knew would be available after a divorce, you'd have the courage to speak with your wife. Be respectful: don't wait until it's the most convenient situation for you, talk to your wife now and don't lead her on. If you really want to put effort into it, get counselling. Saying you need to work up the courage to speak with your wife before counselling is a cop-out. What do you think the one-on-one counselling will help you do? It will also help you better realize what you want and need. And to top it all off, it'll do those things FAAAAR better than you're going to get here. __________________ Le temps détruit tout "Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling Last edited by SecretMethod70; 03-13-2006 at 01:38 PM..