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I think I can only echo what some others have said. Seek counselling, preferably as a couple but as in individual if she cannot or will not go. I think you both have issues that run deeper than the marriage, that relate to who you are as your own selves, and counselling can help you resolve that.
This is a great place to vent, but no place to find answers to a very important question such as this.
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Si vis pacem parabellum.
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