stevie667

Well, something i've been tinkering on for a while, it may not make sense to all, since i do hail from rainy england, but hopefully some of it people will find amusing.
Sort of a spoof, sort of an actual guide, comments are welcome, as are new and interesting words i havn't thought of.

WARNING: This text contains references including, but not limited to swearing, drug consumption, interesting sexual practices, and several elephants. If these offend you, please don't read.



The modern day guide to Teen Pack Animal communication and practices, as documented first hand by 9 Ants, 3 Giraffes, 14 Llamas, a small Sea Turtle named Frank and his wife Betty.


Introduction

Welcome to the worlds best resource for understand today’s teen pack animal. Within these pages you will find works produced through extensive research by the hands of highly trained teenimal specialists.
Without their painstaking work and sacrifices in the aim of correct understand of not only their language, but their social structure, and the experiences produced by the various items common to their consumption with the packs amongst extensive pride lands.
It is their wish that you can communicate your wishes, whether a simple hello or an angry gesture to fuck the hell off before you impale them on a small vibrating thingy, in a way that can help bring our two worlds closer together.

Enjoy.



Allow [Synonyms: None, unique usage]
[Pronunciation guide: Al-laow]

Allow is an interesting word, which despite what you'd think, means completely the opposite of what it should. This is a mathematician’s worst nightmare, and all reference to this word should be avoided around them.
The word allow, in a rough translation, means 'fuck it/that'. For instance “allow walking to the shops to buy ‘snouts’” would read as “I cannot be fucked, I’d rather stay here and smoke a ‘bub’ (see below)”.

Of course, allow can also be used so signify other emotions. If, for instance, you wish to dismiss someone/something, allow can be easily used: e.g. you've crashed your mothers car into an elephant, the phrase 'look mum, allow' can be used to signify your indifference, and your desire for her not to be pissed off at you, along with hoping she will just accept it and move on. Of course this is rarely the case, but who really gives a shit, it’s not your car, and it certainly wasn’t your elephant.

The origins of allow stem most likely from the ecstasy ridden minds of several people trying to have a conversation. The word probably started off as 'disallow' or a similar derivative, but through due course of people forgetting the basics of English, or just not being arsed to finish a proper word, it was shortened to 'allow'.

It must be noted however that the word allow can only be used among those who are fully understand the correct usage of the word. If it is uttered among those who are unfamiliar, one may very well find oneself in a situation which one really didn't intend to get into, such as having to describe the usage of the world allow.
This is not a situation one would wish to find themselves in, as it usually ends with the user of allow looking like a ‘gimp’.

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Booze [Synonyms: Beer, Amber Nectar, Pintage]
[Pronunciation guide: Booo-z]

An alcoholic beverage created from brewing barely, hops, sugar and yeast, then sprinkled with pixie dust, as this is the magic ingredient pack members miss out when home brewing.

Booze has been brewed for thousands of years, and early Egyptian pissheads are recorded on cartouches through the lower Nile area. It is understood that the inept inability of early drunkards is what spawned hieroglyphics, as your average ‘twated’ person is generally unable to write legibly for any length of time, let alone understand and portray correct spelling, grammar and swearing in a proper context. Pictures are nice and easy, and therefore used more often.

In today’s modern pride lands, booze can be obtained in all kinds of shapes and sizes, and textures. Wet and dripping all over the place are common choices.
Upon ingestion, booze sets about affecting pack animals in several ways, some common to both booze and ‘vodka’.

Mentally, the drinker suffers increased confidence, self belief and conversational skills. This is offset by a loss in coherent speech and cognitive ability. Generally a person ‘twated’ on beer is a bit of a ‘gimp’.
Due to booze’s ability to severely hamper normal mental abilities, and increase stupidity levels exponentially, driving, flying planes and DIY are all prohibited by law after drinking.

Feeding your elephant booze is not recommended, as they often will react badly, suffering from gastrointestinal, nervous disposition and homicidal tendencies inherent from a lack of ability to digest the alcohol.

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Bub [Synonyms: Spliff, Zeut, Joint]
[Pronunciation guide: B-ub - as in the 'bu' from 'buh']

A bub is similar to a 'snout' in that it is smoked, and that cravings for it may occur after very short amounts of time. A normal bub is created with the use of a plant known as 'wacky tobaccy'.

A bub is constructed from 'skins', which wrap the mixture of ‘wacky tobaccy’ and ‘snout’ to provide a suitable structure for later combustion and inhalation.
Once constructed using copious amounts of 'wacky tobaccy', the bub is lit with a small or large naked flame, depending on which ‘gimp’ had the lighter last.
The smoke produced by the bub is inhaled, producing an effect on the user known as 'fucked'.

Small to medium (1-4 ton) elephants can be bought elephant size rizla for their bubs, but larger animals (5+) must make do with two-sheeters

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Disco Biscuits [Synonyms: Pills, Little Ones, E]
[Pronunciation guide: Diss-ko Biz-kits]

Discos biscuits are a recent development, comprising roughly of 30% MDMA (the active ingredient), 50% inert shite and 20% Mr.Muscle Lemony Fresh Bathroom.
Usually purchased in tablet form, disco biscuits can be taken orally, rectally and smushed into a drink. The last two are only recommended for those willing to get truly ‘twated’ and don’t mind interesting looks when they start attempting to climb the walls without leaving the comfort of their chair.
Disco biscuits, like ‘wacky tobaccy’, are a highly potent psychotropic, known to cause severe hallucinations and a false sense of well being. After all, any pack willing to endure severe tissue damage and possible insanity of the foot has to have something fundamentally wrong with their social structure. Observers should check to see if a ‘gimp’ is present in the alpha or beta male positions.
Packs members who have taken disco biscuits will experience euphoria, love and increased sensitivity to music. They can often be observed hugging everyone they meet, much to the chagrin of other, less hugged, prides.
Both sexes can and do suffer an increase in libido, which is highly beneficial for the lower caste males, as normally inaccessible females will be fawning over them without prior provocation. Care must be taken at this point that either the male or female do not become distracted by duvets and other soft upholstery.
Music, especially trance, is highly enjoyed by ‘twisted’ people, who will happily dance the night away until they pass out, or have to led away due to poor co-ordination skills.
Disco biscuits cause more physical harm to the body than ‘booze’, ‘vodka’ and ‘wacky tobaccy’ combined, although if pack members combine all these no wonder they’re feeling shit. Severe dehydration and tissue loss occur, as the body burns through energy stores and sweats out water.
Pack members who inhabit pack animal and elephant bodies from other pride lands while ‘twisted’ tend to notice increased problems.

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Fucked [Synonyms: Bollocksed, Lean, Kaned, Lean-kaned,Schpanked]
[Pronunciation guide: Fuk-d]

Fucked is used to describe the state in which one gets after inhaling the smoke of 'wacky tobaccy'. Pack members in this state are known to be lazy, incapable of proper speech, and highly susceptible to humour.

It is widely speculated that after becoming fucked, pack members would take other narcotics which would lead them to a state of 'gibbering inanely at a pot plant'. In this state pack members have been known to create all sorts of new terms and phrases (see ‘allow’), as well as creating life long friendships with small inanimate objects and several elephants.
It is advised that the fucked person not drink, drive, operate heavy machinery or engage in any kind of worthwhile activity whilst in this state.
Elephants get very lazy when fucked, so extra time planning is advised with those who have taken their elephants to ‘parties’ so as to return to their pride lands at arranged times, and still be able to catch a bite to eat.

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Gimp [Synonyms: Twat, Asshole, Cunt]
[Pronunciation guide: Gihm-PP – double p used to stress the p sound during speech]

A Gimp is someone who practices S&M sexual techniques and favours wearing a full head mask (often PVC or similar) known as a ‘gimp mask’ so as to hide their face whilst getting loving from a large fat woman called Gertrude. A gimp in this context is submissive to a master, and generally gets pushed around and made to do things involving large pointy vibrating thingies.

This meaning has been borrowed and applied to members of the pack that more dominant members (not-necessarily the alpha or betas, but anyone of a higher social stature) for people they deem as a bit of a prick.
Gimp can be called in many situations, and will often be repeated around the pack if uttered by alpha or beta members. It is highly insulting, and can often result in beatings if used out of context and social stature.

It is wise to note than in some social situations, male members of the pack have been known to call other male members gimps (amongst other unmentionables, as this is, after all, a family guide to the modern teenage pack animal) in jest. Onlookers are warned that this behaviour can only be undertaken by established pack members, and calling someone a gimp outside of your own pack, even in jest, is often taken badly (see large pointy vibrating thingies).

Guard elephants can be trained to sniff out ‘gimps’, but their effectiveness at normal ‘munchie’ duties does suffer. Recommendations usually state for gimps to be found, then the elephants used in a supporting role to squish them afterwards.

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Long [Synonyms: Long-ass, Long-tings, Long Boy/Girl]
[Pronunciation guide: Loh-ng]

A word on par to ‘allow’ in its ability to confuse and anger those outside of teen pack animal pride lands, long is actually surprisingly simple to understand, as unlike ‘allow’, it means exactly what it should.
The poor grammar and sentence structure it is usually employed with by the various prides is what causes problems. This is usually down to them being ‘fucked’, but can be caused just from plain stupidity (see ‘twatted’).

Usage would normally occur when a pack member deems something/someone to be taking a very long time in the activity in question. This needn’t be long by normal temporal standards, indeed it can be a very short amount of time if the person is ‘twisted’, but is long enough where hindrance has occurred.
Local friendly neighbourhood dealers, whilst inherently very useful, are long ‘gimps’ most of the time.

‘Women’ take long to an entire new level, with most sensible pack leaders having to integrate this longosity into their plans when visiting other pack/pride lands. Of course, the ‘women’ always tend to take longer than planned for, and this behaviour does not end with the females leaving the pride lands to have their young.
When owned money, debtee’s tend to be long ‘gimps’, as does ‘fucked’ conversation.

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Long Factor [Synonyms: Long-ness]
[Pronunciation guide: Loh-ng Fak-tor]

A scale of 1 to 10, the longest things being ten, to describe the long-ness of pack animals/items. Each step up the scale is ten times ‘longer’ than the one before.

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Lighter [Synonyms: (Bottled) Fire, Shite-er, Flamey]
[Pronunciation guide: Liy-ter]

Usually a small plastic tube containing flammable liquids to facilitate the lighting of ‘snouts’, ‘bubs’ and facial hair. Lighters are highly prized commodities, with pack members guarding their lighters zealously. Stealing other pack members lighter is tantamount to treason. Lighters are also easy to lose, especially when ‘fucked’.
Colours such as blue and red should be avoided as they attract ‘gimps’ to steal them. Pink has been proven to ward off potential thieves, and therefore extend the life of your lighter when ‘fucked’.
Elephants like the taste of interesting colours, so remember to keep lighters away from them as they may be eaten.

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Matches [Synonyms: (Raw) Fire, Chatches, Fire-sticks]
[Pronunciation guide: Mat-chiz]

An older version of the ‘lighter’, with a small piece of wood dipped in a heat flammable phosphorous compound. When struck against a match box, rough surface or lit with a ‘lighter’, the match will combust furiously producing fire, with which one can light ‘snouts’, ‘bubs’ or fingers.
Two types of matches are available for general sale the safety match and the strike anywhere match. Military users can purchase nitro-glycerine enhanced matches for use on hard to light Columbian ‘bubs’.
The safety match will light only on the striking part of a match box, or when lit by a lighter. The significantly more dangerous strike anywhere match will do exactly what it says in the box, and due care must be taken to stop spontaneous combustion of trouser pockets if carried loosely with coins.
Strike anywhere matches can also be used to show off neat party tricks such as lighting a match on ones tooth. It is advised not to swallow the match once lighted, however strong ‘munchies’ may be.
Matches are single use and bought in packets. Care must be taken when ‘fucked’ that one does not accidentally put a lighted match in or near a box of matches, as this would cause large amounts of fire unsuitable for lighting smokables. This type of fire is known to rapidly burn important things down and renders ‘munchies’ inedible. The destruction of ‘munchies’ should be avoided whenever possible.
Matches are generally considered second rate to ‘lighters’, though should be kept close to hand, as lighters usually congregate in the next room, which is too far for the average ‘fucked’ pack member to travel.
Lighted matches should be kept out of eyesight of elephants, as they tend to use internal fire suppression to put out the match. Fire suppressions elephants are not common in households, and as such, normal elephants will do a poor job.

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Munchies [Synonyms: Too many to list]
[Pronunciation guide: Mun-cheez]

Munchies can be used to both describe a state of being “I have the munchies” and as a description of (though not always depending on how ‘fucked’ a pack member is) food items “Where are the munchies?”.

As a state of being: Usually munchies is used in this context when the pack member has been smoking ‘wacky tobaccy’ and is relatively ‘fucked’. In this state food is sought after as the smoke inhaled is a powerful appetite increaser. Pride lands have been known to have been completely ravaged, and all munchies stripped from their lands after packs have engaged in heavy smoking sessions.
It is also highly recommended that any special food product put aside for later consumption with family/friends be electrified against munchies. Specially trained guard elephants can also be used in bigger fridges.

As a description of items: Munchies can be taken to mean anything that is edible, sort of edible, or completely inedible, depending, as mentioned before, on how ‘fucked’ pack members are.
Under normal ‘fucked’ circumstances, munchies is usually ascribed to only the tastiest foods, such as pizza, KFC and that thing at the back of the fridge that was stapled there to stop it escaping again.

Letting your elephant get munchies is very, very bad. Keep them well fed on a varied diet, with plenty of vitamins and minerals to stop them viewing your garden as fast food. Fast food is bad enough for humans; imagine what it would do to your elephant.

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Mating [Synonyms: Fucking, Shagging, Ram-shank]
[Pronunciation guide: Maye-tiyng]

This is a family guide, not a smut publication. Go ask your parents. For elephant related queries, see The Discovery Channel.

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Nehoos [Synonyms: Anyhoo, Anyway, Anyhow]
[Pronunciation guide: Eny-hooz]

This conundrum is a product of being 'fucked' and using something known as 'the internet’. Technically a phonetical abbreviation of anyhoo, which is in turn an alteration of anyway.
Confusion arises when pack members who are 'fucked' try to communicate with adjoining prides that are not 'fucked'. More often than not, the word nehoos is read as spelt, producing confusion similar to losing one shoe but not the other, as the non-'fucked' person pronounces it as nee-hoos. This, of course, means absolute bollocks. Therefore a lengthy explanation making candid references to 'gibbering inanely at a pot plant' and 'bubs', while not actually giving a direct meaning of the word nehoos must be given.
Elephants have a similar usage of this in their language, as signalled by “hoof, hoof, trumpet, hoof, crap, trumpet”.

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Party [Synonyms: Gig, Bash, Gathering, Shin-dig]
[Pronunciation guide: Parr-tey]

A party is a gathering of pack members into one location to engage in activities that will results in getting ‘fucked’. Pack members are known to do this so as to lower their inhibitions and have fun. The reason why is not really known, as they will inevitably suffer mental and physical degradation of varying degrees the following sunrise. Many scienticians have speculated about this, but no definitive theory has yet been found.
At large parties, pack members from different pride lands may attend, along with their females. This is so as to ensure ‘mating’ takes place between pack members of differing gene pools and social stature and thus ensuring that no unwanted inbreeding occurs. Inbreeding is the fastest way to destroy a pack known to science, and is to be avoided at all costs.
Once adequate ‘mating’ has taken place, caused by being ‘fucked’ then directions as to reach adjoining pride lands are taken by the males (and sometimes alpha and beta females) then the united prides retreat to the safety of their dens to sleep and recover their strength.

It is noted that a party can and does cause significant destruction to both property and pack social structure if not carefully maintained, as different prides often have very little regard for the local packs habitat. Males, when sufficiently ‘fucked’ have also known to be violent, challenging the existing hierarchy, and attempting to take over leadership of the pack. Alpha and beta males are also known to re-affirm their pack leadership by fighting lower caste members who they deem as ‘gimps’.
During these feuds, observers are advised not to interfere, but instead make a safe distance between them and the fight, and ‘mate’ with a lower caste female.
Elephants can be spooked by lots of unknown people, remember to keep them safely locked away indoors away from loud noise and bright lights.

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Safe [Synonyms: Scene, Safety, Safe-tings]
[Pronunciation guide: Say-fe]

Being a direct discombobulation of safety, one can usually take safe to describe not being ill-favoured, or in a bad situation. It can also be used to describe thanks, satisfaction or other similarly related emotions and phrases common to the pack.
For example: if the alpha male of a pack was able to acquire a 'snout' from the beta male, he would often be heard uttering safe as he relieved the beta male of the burden of ownership. This indicates his pleasure, and his respect for the passing of the 'snout'.
In situations that are not as pleasing, the word 'safe may be replaced with the word 'scene'. Some packs have been noted to operate with 'scene' as the primary pleasure indicator, and some have been known to have no difference in pleasure indication. This should be paid special attention to when interacting with pack members so as not to sound like a 'gimp'.
The word safe is usually only in direct reference to something affecting the pack member uttering the word, where as the word 'scene' can be used to describe a situation of a grander scale.
In circumstances where mating is occurring, males will often discard the words safe and 'scene' for more colourful expressions such as 'fuck/blow me', or if the mating is occurring with a sub-dominant male and dominant female, not much noise followed immediately after by plenty of running away from an enraged alpha male

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Skins [Synonyms: Rizla, Papers, Potato Skins]
[Pronunciation guide: Skih-nz]

A lightweight material derived normally from hemp (a similar genus to 'wacky tobaccy' except with less mind altering properties) or rice paper, and is not in this current day and age the skin of a small to medium sized rodent/hippopotamus (depending on the size of ‘bub’ being created).

The term skin is most likely derived from the way in which early stoner-gatherers used the skins of captured prey to create ‘bubs’, or the way in which the skin covers the ‘bub’; we will never really be sure.

For purchase of elephant size skins, pack members are often seen using ‘elephante’ or ‘bigzla’, as these are made from a synthetic hippo skin, as elephants are very enviromental conscious.

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Snout [Synonyms: Fag, cigarette, snigarette]
[Pronunciation guide: Sch-nowt - as if from up north]

The word snout is used in replacement of cigarette, but also may be interchanged for fag.

The word snout is most commonly used in the immediate waking hours after a party, where the alpha male of the group will often be heard bellowing snout at the top of his lungs. This bellow will also be joined in by the beta male, and quickly thereafter by the rest of the pack.
After several minutes of shouting during which the entire group will be woken, the leading members of the pack will spend roughly half an hour in the vain search for the afore mentioned snout.

It is wise to take note that very rarely do the alpha and beta females (and at times the rest of the sub-dominant females) take part in this activity, instead preferring to use their guile and wait until the male members have gone foraging for 'snout money' and purchased a 'deck of snouts' and returning. They then will often be seen using their sexuality and the general hung-over-ness of the males to obtain the precious snout.

After the smoking of this treasured article, pack members undertake the arduous task of cleaning up the carnage of the previous night and seeing visiting members of other packs return to their own pride lands minus any ‘wacky tobaccy’ in their possession.

Snouts can also be used to create ‘bubs’; part of the snout will be removed, creating a 'twisty' (see below).

Elephants should never be allowed to smoke snouts; it makes their skin de-wrinkle over time without proper ageing skin treatments and pore blockers.

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Taxed [Synonyms: Jacked]
[Pronunciation guide: Tax-d]

Taxed is used to describe where a pack member has taken someone from another (not nessecarily from their pride) and has no intention of giving it back. The word makes direct reference to the dreaded ‘tax man’ and how any money given to him will never come back.

Taxed is used in an informal way, such as between gathered pride members, and will often be used in a blatantly obvious way. For instance, ‘munchies’ are spread out on a table belonging to an alpha or beta male. When the alpha/beta leaves the local habitat, lower caste males will quickly take some of the ‘munchies’, utter taxed to the gathered pack, and quickly eat before the return of the owner.
As all the ‘fucked’ members have ‘munchies’, they understand what has just transpired, and will promptly follow suit.
If the owner returns during this, taxed no longer applies, and ‘teethed’ comes into play.
It is therefore vitally important taxed be used in proper context, and inside a pack where the outside user has gained enough trust not to be ratted out, and promptly violated in a way unfit for description in this guide.
Smaller guard elephants are useful for guarding food against other pack members taxing it in your absence.

Distinction should be made between taxed, ‘teethed’ and ‘jacked’, as all carry slightly different meaning depending on context, surroundings and presence of ‘munchies’.

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Teethed [Synonyms: stealing]
[Pronunciation guide: Teey-fd]

Similar to taxed, in that an item has been taken, but in this usage implies a more malicious intent.
Teethed would be used where someone else has stolen something of value, and this is against current traditions and practices amongst the pride lands and local packs.

Teething does not need to occur merely in-pack, but rather can be used in a whole range of situations amongst the varying pride lands.
For instance, a piece of musical noise production equipment (a ‘boomski boxski’) has been stolen from a vehicular transport system (‘wheels’), the offender would have been said to have teethed the hardware. No-one of importance likes people who teeth, and they are known pride land wide as ‘gimps’.
Guard elephants should be given photo-identity training and big pointy sticks to use against roaming mongrel teenamals, in case they try to teeth your ‘munchies’.

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Twisted [Synonyms: Pilled, Buzzing, Shit Faced]
[Pronunciation guide: Twiss-tid]

To be twisted, a pack member must first enter the realms of highly potent narcotics, not normally available inside pride lands, or from your friendly neighbourhood dealer.
Being twisted requires adequate consumption of ‘disco biscuits’, after which the pack member will slowly fade into a realm of bunnies, happy little elves and complete lack of jaw muscle/thought/coherent speech control.

A twisted pack member will become very jittery, with their entire body moving constantly (if at a ‘party’ to the sound of music, if somewhere else, the sound of chattering teeth) along side an increase heart rate and dilation of the pupils. Looking into the sun should be avoided despite however pretty it may be. The attraction to bright lights and pupil dilation is what has been attributed to the rise of third eye cataracts in recent years.

As said in ‘disco biscuits’, severe hallucinations are common to twisted users. Usually this is limited to open eye hallucinations, but closed eye and auditory hallucinations can and do happen at higher doses. Therefore it is wise to note that anyone twisted who chases after an imaginary object in the path of oncoming vehicles as if by command should be immediately restrained, given a reassuring hug, and sent off into a secluded garden to look for pixie dust.

When twisted a pack member will have a raised body temperature, and therefore use more water than they normally would during the course of a ‘party’. It is important that they keep drinking water to replace lost fluids, and that this not be alcoholic.
The latter part is vitally important as:
A- Alcohol serves to dehydrate the body even more
B- No-one likes a ‘twated’ person trying to give you hugs and telling you everything’s ok every 7 minutes.

Elephants who have taken disco biscuits tend to show similar symptoms as pack animals, in that they suffer vastly increased feelings of affections. It is important to realise that an elephant is considerably bigger than you, and as such it isn’t sensible to be on the receiving end of a hug.

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Twisties [Synonyms: Chips]
[Pronunciation guide: Twih-stees]

Twisties are the remains of a ‘snout’ that has been used to create a ‘bub’. Roughly 1-2cm of the ‘snout’ is removed, therefore creating a shortened version unfit for general smoking. This mutilation is then often relegated to the back of a 'snout deck' unless a situation is reached where the pack/pack member no longer has any 'snouts' left, and is relegated to smoking a twisty.
Pockets are not normally utilised in elephant clothing, so do not rely on them to store twisties. Be safe, Use Pockets.

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Twatted [Synonyms: Pissed, Drunk, Armsed]
[Pronunciation guide: Twa-tid]

Twated is a similar experience to being ‘fucked’, except caused by alcohol (as found in ‘booze’ and ‘vodka’). After copious consumption of alcohol, affecting individual will tend to act much like a ‘gimp’, with delusions that they are the alpha male of their pride lands, and that all females belong to them. Any non-twatted person will realise this is complete bull-shit, and try to avoid them at all costs.

Physiologically, being twatted differs from being ‘fucked’ in that a severe loss of motor control occurs, along with a general decrease in inhibitions. This is good for sub-dominant males when a female is extremely twatted, as chances of ‘mating’ increase dramatically. Clever males are known to pair two twatted females together, and record the consequences. These males should be bought more ‘booze’ or ‘vodka’ (or perhaps a combination of the two, depending on budgetary constraints) so as to obtain the video tapes while they try to ‘mate’ with the afore mentioned females.
When a male is twatted, his chances of ‘mating’ are dramatically reduced, along with blood flow to brain and genetalia. No-one is particularly sure where all this blood goes, but it is speculated that it pops out for a cup of tea with the blood of other similarly bollocksed pack members.

Munchies are highly prevalent when twatted, as they are when ‘fucked’, but the food choices are generally much poorer, such as kebabs, and can be fought over by males. Fortunately for ‘fucked’ people, the intelligence quote of twated people drops dramatically after drinking, and as such their foods can be kept safe by merely throwing a small spherical object into the path of an approaching car and saying “fetch” in a loud clear voice. If this fails, the guard elephants should be a nice surprise.

For more information on particular effects of alcohol, see ‘booze’ and ‘vodka’.

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Vodka [Synonyms: Death Juice, Moon-shine, Super-shit]
[Pronunciation guide: Vod-kah]

Vodka is an alcoholic beverage brewed traditionally from potatoes in eastern European countries. It has a high alcohol percentage and will consumption results in a severe case of being ‘twated’.
Being ‘twated’ on vodka entails slightly different symptoms than being ‘twated’ on ‘booze’, with the consumer often displaying significantly reduced hand-eye, mind-mouth and cock-woman co-ordination. Stupidity levels are also raised to dangerous levels, and as such driving, the operation of heavy machinery and karaoke singing are all prohibited by law.
Generally the ‘fucked’ pack member will make a ‘gimp’ of themselves, and pass out over the toilet, where their body’s natural poison response attempts to stop severe liver necrosis and death. ‘Booze’ drinkers do not suffer this, as they have long since expelled the contents of their stomachs over paving slabs and nearby pack members.
Vodka is also not recommended, they also tend to end up sleeping in gutters, which is very bad for roofing.

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Wacky Tobaccy [Synonyms: too many to list]
[Pronunciation guide: Wah-key Tow-bak-ee]

Although being referred to as tobaccy the plant is not related to tobacco (as found in 'snouts'), but rather a member of the genus ‘cannabiniae stonatus’. Sub-species include, but are not limited to: ‘cannabiniae stonatus terriblus’, ‘cannabiniae stonatus munchiesalotus’ and ‘cannabiniae stonatus yourprettyfuckedifyouvereadalloflthisius’.
A highly potent psychotropic, it is also one of the most ‘munchie’ inducing substances known to man.

Wacky tobaccy can be absorbed into the bloodstream in several ways. The main routes are via smoking and oral ingestion. Experiments with a rectal suppository and intravenous injection have been met with mixed success, as has nasal insufflations.
If it is to be smoked, then the wacky tobaccy is mixed with tobacco to form a ‘bub’. If eaten it can either be mixed into food, such as hash cookies, or eaten raw.
Effects can be noticed as quickly as it takes to say “weiser” if smoked, or within 20-30 minutes if eaten. Smoking produces a much quicker, more intense effect, known as ‘fucked’, whilst eating usually results in a less pronounced version, with more giggling, general galvanising and poor alliteration skills.

Elephants having very big noses so can be used to sniff out other teenimals wacky tobaccy. They have been known to pick up a good taste for wacky tobaccy, so they can be used when visiting unknown dealers to ensure the quality of their product line.
Be careful they do not start smoking, as they use expensive ‘skins’.

See ‘fucked’ or your local friendly neighbourhood dealer for more information on the mental and physically effects.

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stevie667

Women [Synonyms: Bitch, Beanie, Pink]
[Pronunciation guide: Wih-men]

Allow.

For further information see “The guide to women; It isn’t nice, It isn’t PC, but I’ll be damned if I’m doing it any other way”.

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stevie667

Yard [Synonyms: Habitat, Cotch, Base]
[Pronunciation guide: Yarh-d]

Amongst the pride lands various pack members having different territories to which they can claim ownership to.
Usually a pride land with contain one or two packs, depending on lineage and social structure. Individuals in this pack will usually live in different dens and lairs, with some particularly stupid members living, at least partly, with their mates. Long factors pushing 7.3 on the Long Scale can show themselves regularly in these situations.
As we all know, an English mans home is his Castle, so it can sometimes be helpful in relation to the teen pack animals to use this analogy when understand the attachment of a teenimal to it’s den/lair.
Yards will usually have an older, more dominant pairing to control the local lands and resources. When this couple leave for significant lengths of time (1 lunar orbit to 14 big ass light-thing movements) the current pack will converge on new feeding grounds. Often these results end in a ‘party’ in can involve packs from other packs and pride lands.
Some yards aren’t big enough for elephants or elephant size fridges, so there are often pride lands containing elephant centres, where pack members can keep their elephants until they can find their own territories.

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stevie667

It is hoped that with this modern day guide to pack communications, budding anthropologists may be able to fully communicate with today’s youth, and bring around a whole new understanding of their unique and somewhat scary culture.





Please be aware, this is not a forthright guide, and the author and publisher accept no responsibility for any loss of face, property damage, maiming and/or death that may occur from use of this guide.
Glaring spelling and grammatical mistakes, along with any phrases/word orders that make no sense are purely down to your poor grasp of English.

Reading this text legally constitutes a purchase. You will be billed to your home address.



©2004/5 – Funk Educational Publishing™

Funk Educational Publishing™ is a division of Funk Publications™, a wholly owned subsidiary of Funk Corp™.

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stevie667

Right, thats the complete totality of it, there are other words under-construction, but i won't post them until completion.
If you do spot any spelling mistakes/continuity errors/things that make absoloutly no sense please tell me. Some will probably be in there for a reason, like because i was pretty fucked when i wrote it, but others will be mistakes, and as such need to be hunted down and destroyed.

I'll probably add nice interesting italic and bold bits as time goes by, but it's 2.21 am, this thing has taken half an hour to post, so i'm going to bed. Nitey Nite.

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Sweetpea

wow! you certainly have spent some time on this!

funny! I like it.

sweetpea

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maleficent

/me feels very old and out of touch....

thanks for the education

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vonstalhein

The scary thing is just how often i am affronted with those stupid slang terms and just have absolutely no idea what they mean! Now i have been enlightened! Rainy Old England will never be the same again... CYA Latah Nex'man.

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