Rubyee

Sorry, the title was a little vague.

I have been dating Ryan for over three years now, and we have lived together for the majority of that time. I am ready to be engaged, and he tells me that he is ready for marriage, too.

The problem is, he hasn't asked. I honestly think he is just too comfortable to ask. It is sort of like the buying the cow theory. We already live together and have sex and everything, and neither of us are ready for kids, so what would the difference be?

Well, it matters to me. In this society, married couples are treated differently than non-married couples. I could get him on my health insurance so that we could afford to get him new contact lenses. I could tell people that I am married and not tell them that I am living with my boyfriend so that they take me more seriously. And more importantly, I just want to be married.

I could wait. Sure, nothing big will change. But the fact is, if he isn't going to ever be ready to marry me, then I would like to find someone who will be. I love him with all my heart, and it would be hard to be with someone new, but this is a big issue for me. Sort of a dealbreaker. I don't want to stay with him for another ten years if we are never going to get married.

I have brought it up in the past. Like he said- he wants to get married. But nothing ever comes of these discussions.

Meanwhile, everyone around us is tying the knot. Even his little sister has plans of getting married after she graduates college- which is another issue. Everyone in his family treats our relationship as if it is unimportant because we have not exchanged rings. I am getting sick of that as well.

This may sound contradictory, but I also don't want to force him into anything. Ten years from now, I don't want him to be able to say "I only married you so that you wouldn't leave me" or something similar. I also don't want to tell my future children that daddy didn't propose, but that mommy drug him to the courthouse.

So what are your thoughts, women?

Ultimatum?
Wait?
Get over it?
Propose to him (this sounds really unappealing to me)?

Let me know what you think. I am getting impatient.

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maleficent

You really have two choices -- if this is something you want badly enough (and ask yourself if it's because you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with him and he improves the person that you are, or is it because 'everyone else is doing it; and uyou want to as well -- or other people expect it. (if it's the former - then ask him -- who gives a rats ass 10 years down the road who did the asking -- if it's the latter -- well then you want to get married for the wrong reaasons and you will be in divorce court in 5 years or so.)

If you want to get married - ask -- tell him, and be prepared for his answer... either positive or negative... what will you do if he says he doesn't want to actually be married and go thru the whole marriage process?

Some guys need a push -- some guys are just not the marrying kind... and are content to live together and not change things from how they are...

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ngdawg

I was exactly where you are now. We were living together, everyone around us was getting married, yet we were still boyfriend and girlfriend, yet sharing our home, bills, etc. Sharing a life, but nothing else made it seem something big was missing.
After the third wedding in less than a year we attended, I started pouting a lot, he asked what's wrong and i whined, "I'm TIRED of being the girlfriend when we've been living together! I wanna get married and have a huge party!" We were married in less than 8 weeks (long-range planning isn't necessary, btw).
But, no engagement ring or anything, which sometimes I wonder if I should have held out for. There are reasons for an 'engagement'. It's a promise, a period of preparation. The ring seals this promise. If the woman breaks the promise, she gives the ring back and if the man breaks it, he lets her keep it or decide whether or not to give it back to him.
I'm not sure the way I handled it was best. Let your feelings and concerns be known and if possible, express that you expect an answer at such a time.
Don't give an ultimatum unless you are totally prepared for a reply in the negative. But don't hang on forever if you feel this strongly. The old addage, why pay for the milk when the cow is free holds true here. And you are not being contradictory.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

zkara

I was in the same situation. We were living together for 8 years. Yes, we talked about marriage 'sometime' in the future.. since our 2nd year together. Towards the 4th year, I was getting really impatient. I ignored the fact that I was not completely satisfied with the situation for the next 4 years. I finally just decided to leave him. He took it as an ultimatum and came back at me with discussions of a marriage.. I had to tell him, sorry, too late.

I broke his heart. We were great together. Nothing wrong with us. We had lived together for so long, we knew how to synchronize with each other so well. We were 1 unit. Our families had already accepted us as family. Our friends.. referred to us as 1.. we never went anywhere without each other. We shared everything. We were just not married. He couldn't understand why I left. Until today.. he's still struggling to move on. It's been 6 months now.

I struggled for months trying to make up my mind if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life leaving him. He's perfect. He's such a decent guy, he's fun, he's good-looking, he's successful, he's responsible, he's hard-working, he's good to his family, he's good to everyone, he's kind, he's trustworthy, he's a perfect A+++.. if there's such a thing. I know I can never find another guy like him.

But.. all I kept telling myself was, if he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed since the very beginning. I don't believe in 'let's make sure our lives are settled first' or 'let's make sure we have our careers taken care of first'.
A proposal is a promise. The marriage can come later... lets say..after we take care of our careers..blah blah blah...all that jazz.

I do believe that a promise is quite important. I'm 29. I've been with him through all of my twenties. I really shouldn't have given up on him or not given him a chance at all. But, I'm not turning back. Let it be a lesson learned. I'm moving on. I'm seeing someone. And, I'm not letting myself get into that situation again. I think he took it for granted that we lived together and I won't be leaving him for such a 'silly' reason. Well, I did. And I'm not moving in with anyone anymore. I am not letting anyone take me for granted ever again.

So, it really depends on what kinda guy he is. Mine, I could have given him a push and all would have been fine. But I really didn't want that hanging over my head when we do get married...'Oh..ya..I had to push him into it..' and I didn't want to be the one who proposed.. I'm still a little old-fashioned in the sense that I would prefer the guy asking me...I prefer to think that the guy is so crazy head-over-heels in love with me that he can't think of anything but to ask me to marry him. That was my parting line to him too... and all he could say was.. 'But..but..I AM crazy about you.. '

Blah..this turned out too long. Not much help, but I guess comparing stories might give you some different perspectives.

*Nikki*

My thoughts on this are as follows:

Next time you talk about marriage say "I would like to be married by _____, what do you think about something like that?"

That is how the marriage talk started with my husband. We eventually kept getting closer and closer to a date we both agreed on and the only thing he had to do was ask me. Which he did, after 1.5 years of dating, and when he felt ready.

The BIGGEST thing is that no matter how much a man says he is ready, he has to be the one to come forward and decide that. It might mean you have to wait longer.....that is why this is such a diffulcult topic.

Rubyee

Nikki, I agree. He has to decide upon it. Why is that with men? Is it because it is a harder decision for them to make?

And zkara, that is a very sad story, but I am glad it is working out for you. It seems that you felt exactly what I feel- I don't want to push him into anything.

I made sort of a comprimise- I told him that I wanted a ring for Christmas, and that this weekend we are going to go to the mall and get my finger sized. If, on January 1st of 2006 I do not have an engagement ring on my finger, I am going to take Nikki's advice and say "I want to be engaged to be married by June 1st, with a date set within a year of that." If he can't give me that, then I suppose I need to think about moving on.

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You don't know from fun.

genuinegirly

Rubyee, that sounds like a completely reasonable way of approaching the matter.
Sometimes an ultimatum is the only way to get them moving. It got me moving.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

ann

i had a very simular situation i was with my boyfriend for a year and i fell pregnant we were only young but we decided to keep the baby my mum said we HAD to get married and we got engaged. well 2 more kids a house and 7 years later and no marriage in sight! i was also feeling a bit like the girlfriend who had his kids and i was feeling used basicly.
so i chucked the bigest tantrum and said if we dont get married i am going to leave, and i ment it, so to keep me there we got married. nothing special just at the registry office. and it was the biggest mistake i made , and when we seperated after being together for 15 years all i got from his family was u made him get married and all i got from him was u have to pay for the divorce because i never wanted to get married i only said yes to keep u happy.
i know he telling the truth about that, which is sad because i would have rather not spent the last 7 years with some one who didnt love me enough to want to really spend the rest of our lives together.
that dosnt mean every guy who is asked to get married by his girlfriend dosnt want to and only does so because she wants to, some times guys are a bit dumb when it comes to knowing what there partner really wants, and is maybe a bit scared as well, because after all its ment to be forever isnt it

Nancy

Let me get this straight: you're going to leave a good man whom you're perfectly comfortable with in any way unless he's willing to marry you? Are you.. mad? Why do you have this urge, need, obsession if you will, about getting married?

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I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

eMOTIONal20

Yeah... I was thinking the same as Nancy.
Unless he's *not* wanting to get married because it some sort of bigger comittment or he thinks getting married will change your relationship.
Then it's a little more understandable...
But if not, why is it so important?

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"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

*Nikki*

I don't think it matters so much why it is importent to her, it just is. She should not have to compromise something she really wants in life.

The fact of the matter is that a man who loves you enough will marry you, and one who doesn't won't.

That is of couse unless neither party is interested in marriage then that would be a complete different convo.

Sultana

Hmmm, I think that "Why is it important" is a vital part of the evaluation process, actually. Not in, "Why, are you nuts?!?", but for others (and oneself) to be able to understand more deeply, and give better input.

Sometimes articulating the Why helps to resolve issues, too. Or at least identify them more clearly and specifically.

I would be interested in why the gent in question *doesn't* want to--I know he says he does, but no action indicates to me that he's not all that keen on it. It doesn't have to be a heartbreaking reason, could just be comfortable or whatever. But the poster has told the guy she wants it, he doesn't dissent openly, but no action.

Have you considered the line, "I'd like to be married in 2 years. It'd be great if it was to you..." ;P

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

abaya

Yeah, I don't know about that ultimatum stuff. I was all psyched about the idea of marriage when I was gone from my bf for 2.5 months (we've been together 1.5 years), with the priority being that we'd never have go through that kind of separation again. I have to spend a year abroad in the next 1-2 years, and he can't go with me, basically, unless we are married (or unless he jumps through a lot of hoops for foreigners)... the idea of being there without him frightens me.

Unfortunately, the idea of being there in a new country, period, even if he is with me, also frightens him. So when I told him about my feelings regarding marriage, he freaked out and backed away emotionally. It wasn't an ultimatum, but I did tell him that if I had to go to the field for a year without him, I'd almost just rather not be with him at all because it would be too painful to go through again. The whole discussion hurt a lot for both of us. I felt rejected for a while, since he expressed a lot of reservations about us just when I had finally gotten over all of mine. I finally knew that I didn't want to live without him, and here he was saying that he would be fine with another few years without me.

But that was 2 months ago and we are doing okay for now. I am trying to adjust to the idea of a long-distance relationship with no end in sight and nothing being sure, which is really hard for me. He did say that by next fall, he will know if we "should" be engaged... which leaves me in a kind of limbo, and I guess as a result I started doubting us again, since he wasn't sure of us either. I am trying to lean on his semi-promise... but I have a hard time ignoring that little voice that zkara seems to have, too: ... I just have to remind myself that not everyone feels this way, and that a lot of this HUGE expectation comes from my romanticized Hollywood exposure. I think real life marriage decisions are a lot more complicated, and while I can't imagine waiting 8 years, or even 4, I do think that some people (especially guys) are just plain SCARED of committing to someone without having all their ducks in a row first. Hell, a lot of times *I* am scared of committing! (yes, it's true...)

So, I don't recommend the ultimatum unless you WILL follow it through, either positive or negative. For me, I don't know if I could stand behind an ultimatum right now, since I wouldn't want to lose my boyfriend just because he didn't want to get married right now (1.5 years isn't that long together, esp. when it's his first relationship). I do know that each individual case is different, and I have to say that yes, if a man loves you, he WILL marry you... within a reasonable time period.

But what is reasonable is different for every person, and for every couple (that's 3 different schedules trying to merge). I don't know how helpful it is to assume that if he doesn't marry you on YOUR TIME, then he doesn't love you. That is just something you have to figure out for yourself. I know that my bf loves me, even if we aren't getting married anytime soon... and for the present year, that's okay. Check back with me in a year or two, I guess...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ShaniFaye

I just dont get it sometimes....I knew without a doubt within a month of meeting dave I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.....I guess Im a hopeless romantic

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

sarita

I don't recommend ultimatums ever. They rarely turn out well.

Figure out what's stopping him from marriage if he says he wants to do it some day. Is it just that he doesn't want to until he's older/wiser/richer?

Rubyee

I really don't know what is stopping him. I think that he doesn't know how serious I am on the subject, and I am going to change that.

And Nancy, I understand where you are coming from with this. I know it is hard to find a good man. But being married some day is important to me. I need that kind of committment. If he isn't willing to provide it, I need to find it somewhere else. I don't want to have to leave him, and lord knows when it comes down to it I won't have to. But this is a dealbreaker for me. Some people would leave people because of drugs or smoking or a porn obsession. I am fine with smoking, and I am fine with a slight porn obsession. But for me, my deal breaker is marriage. Drugs, too. But that isn't the topic right now.

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Shadefire

I don't know how you are doing money wise, but Anxst, Sorceress and I have known that we are permanent for at least three years now. We just never had the money to buy me a ring. This year on my birthday they took some of our tax return and bought me a great amithyst solitare. He may just be one of those guys who is worried about money and figures that if things are fine as they are, why blow a huge wad of money on a wedding. Anxst is like that, but he knows how important a wedding is to me and Sorceress, so when we have the money he is willing to put up with having a wedding. He was that way for His and Sorceress' first wedding. He didn't want to spend the money, but he knew how important it was to her, so they got married.

I guess that what I am saying, is that if he loves you, he will get married because it is important to you.

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Atropos4

Is he the typed of guy that when you push an issue he puts it off for awhile on purpose? For example if you asked him to move his dirty socks and he didn't do it. Then you ask him again in a week. And he won't do it. Finally you forget about the socks and one day you notice he took care of them? Could it be that maybe he is feeling pushed and he wants to surprise you but when you ask all the time he feels it won't be a surprise if he asks right away? If it doesn't bother you, maybe you should let him know you don't mind. I don't know if I'm making myself clear...sorry.. Like he wants to ask but doesn't want you to think you forced him.

I only say this because that is how Alphaphi can be. He won't always do something if he feels like he is being forced or is expected to do it.

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amonkie

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who feels proposals are given a little too much weight. Honestly, it shouldn't be a surprise that you have reached a point in your relationship that marriage is a considered option for you. The honest communication of feelings, motive, and intent should be voiced at each stage. To me engagement is a formality that precludes the wedding date. I don't need to be asked if I would marry someone - if we don't already know where the other stands, something is wrong, in my opinion. If the guy wants to give me a ring that is part of a wedding band set, I would take it, but it is honestly not a requirement.

I have a personal rule that I will not live with any SO unless we have agreed that living together is the equivalent to our relationship being permanent. To make the decision to move in together would voice to me the mutual consent that we are both ready ... and if we are ready, then get married then. Along that line, I honestly don't see the point in blowing thousands of dollars on something that is as simple as I Do. My timeline could be as simple as move in together in the morning, go to courthouse in the afternoon. If I'm going to blow money, I'd at least like to do it to make for a great honeymoon.

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ShaniFaye

Having done the courthouse thing with my first marriage....and my wedding saturday to dave coming in under 5k(including the honeymoon)....I can honestly say.....I would not do the courthouse thing again. There is something to be said for having the support of all your friends and family there to witness it. A ring was in no way a requirement, Dave and I were engaged over a year and a half without one and the one we got was 90 bucks and matches our wedding rings.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

little_tippler

I kind of agree with Nancy...what difference really, and practically, does being married make? I don't think it's fair to force him to do it, or give him an ultimatum. It's a case of what's more important to you - him, or the ring. If you want it to confirm some sort of status, then I think you want it for the wrong reasons. A much better approach if you really feel that strongly about him, is to propose to him yourself. You can always exchange "rings" later. I have a friend who did that with her SO. They went out and got each other plain silver rings, with an inscription along the lines of "I love you, I don't want to live without you" and the date. Much more romantic - demanding it is just aggressive.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

raeanna74

Is he afraid of a big wedding? If that's the case just ask him to pick two of his best friends and you'll pick two of yours and do it in on a beach, in a small church, in the forest, and don't bother with a crowd. You could just ask him, since he's said that he wants to get married, what kind of wedding is he picturing and what kind he'd prefer. If he gives you anything on that route then just tell him you'll do all the planning and have the kind he wants. I know hubby was freaked about all the planning he was envisioning. He also waiting till the last week before I went back to my last semester of college to propose. I have had several friends who's husbands took their good time to finally make the move. I think just asking is a big commitment and scary. Ask him specific questions and try to understand where he's coming from. Ask him if getting married would make him feel trapped, or other kinds of questions. Don't mention the word commitment, I think some guys' freak-out-meter explodes when they here that.

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abaya

Nice one, Raeanna. Yep, guys have a freak-out meter just like we do... don't ever believe them when they say they are more stable. They just hide it better.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

snowy

In the United States, it can make a lot of difference. It can mean the difference between being able to visit your spouse in the hospital if they're sick or injured and not. It can cut down on your taxes. It makes you eligible for health benefits on your spouse's (or vice-versa) health insurance. If they die, a legal marriage makes sorting things out a lot clearer for the courts. Marriage also makes you eligible for more Social Security benefits.

So yes, it makes a huge difference, practically.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Sultana

I thought that was the very definition of stability!

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

maleficent

Next of kin takes care of that pretty easily

Not always... most married people i know find it cheaper to file seperately.

My company, insurance for one person is cheaper by more than half for a married couple, and if a married person DOESN'T want the insurance, tehy have to jump thjru major hoops to say they are ok without coverage and will be covered by their spouses insurance[/quote]
It's called a will - and anyone who doesn't have one -- gets what they deserve.

Oh yeah that 2.98 cents a month is soooo helpful

Two people don't necessarily live cheaper than one.

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Lead543

I don't think I can offer any advice only that I understand. And that I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to get married. Just tell him how you feel, figure out why he keeps putting it off and try to fix that problem. Good luck.

Supple Cow

Any kind of partnership between two people is always going to involve two different sets of expectations. I think the key here is understanding what those expectations are, why you both have them, and whether or not they really conflict.

If they do conflict, then it comes down to making a decision--and that is a decision that both of you will have to make. Is it more important to me to continue to have this expectation and everything that comes with it (possibly including the end of the relationship) or is it more important to me to have this person in my life and everything that comes with it (including certain expectations not being met)?

I hope you two reach a higher level of understanding with one another soon.

__________________
"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)

Rubyee

This isn't about a ring, or a big wedding. I would be happy without one and being married at the courthouse with a reception at Wendy's. I just want to be married. It is important to me because I want to start a family while I am still young so that I can start my older life with him sooner. I do want the joy of kids, and once that happens, I will look forward to the joy of kids moving out. I also think that marriage is important. I don't want to be just a girlfriend at the age of 30 and tell people that we are celebrating our 12th anneversary of "dating."

I think marriage is a beautiful bond, and that it is a statement that says "I love this person and want to be with them for the rest of my life." I don't take it lightly, either. I am not one of those people who think divorce is an option for anything. I know that things happen in people's lives and divorce is a very feasible option for them, but I hope it never happens to me. I don't look down on people that have a divorce, but I do look down on people who say "What the hell? I might as well get married. I can always divorce until I find the right one."

On a side note, things are going better in this department, I think. I will be able to give you more of an update after Xmas.

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You don't know from fun.

katie_ann1031

My boyfriend is always being pressured into marriage by certain members of his family. I love him and he loves me but I don't know if I'd be comfortable knowing his choice to ask me to marry him was influenced by his mother.

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Ananas

I noticed that the reasons you gave for wanting to get married are:

1. you could get him on your health insurance so he can get contact lenses
2. you would be able to be taken seriously when asked about your marital status
3. you just want to be married
4. his little sister is getting married and you feel that his family treats your relationship as unimportant because y'all haven't tied the knot

My questions/concerns would be:

1. Why hasn't he made the effort to get health insurance (student, part-time job?). Will he help you pay for your health insurance if you do get married?

2. How do you know you are not being taken seriously? What does your marital status have to do with your ability to do your job or conduct your life?

3. Why do you want to be married? I feel that you should have stated that when the relationship started to get serious, so you could have gotten a read on his feelings about marriage then.

4. What does your family think about your relationship? You seem to put more emphasis on what he thinks, or what his family thinks, or what others think about you. Does he feel this way, too?

I feel that women today have lost the sense of what they are worth; how to value themselves. If you feel that you are worth something, then a man should be doing everything possible and then some to prove that he is worthy of you, or that he thinks you are someone he would turn himself inside-out to have in his life.

From my standpoint, you are selling yourself short. He's getting top-quality at bargain basement prices, and he isn't treating you with the care and concern one would normally use with anything of value. And neither are you.

(from one who learned the hard way)

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it's gritty

veruca

I feel for you. I have walked away from a wonderful man, because he wasn't ready for marriage, and into the arms of a man who was even better, and was EXCITED to spend his life with me.

I feel that you "KNOW" very quickly, if the person you are with is the one or just for now. And, I do not feel that we have one single soul mate, there are a lot of men out there who would fit my bill. But, on with the story. I have only been in 3 serious relationships, 1 being my husband. And I made it very clear at about 6 months to each of the men, that I would want a proposal by our one year anniversary.

The first, I was 18, and he was in the Navy and he got shipped away..we tried to make it work..but as usually happens we drifted apart, though we loved each other dearly..and besides, I was 18...that would have been a huge mistake, and Fate was kind to me.

I met man #2...everything was shmoopy and ideal and amazing...he professed his undying love for me all the time..and he talked of a wedding all the time...even so far as to start planning...yet, at one year, no ring, he in fact(knowing my rule) kneeled at me feet crying and begging me to stay with him and wait a little longer. I waited 6 months, and realized he would not be ready to marry, and that is most likely me....which I was fine with...Not everyone is the other persons "the one"(which surely is a heartbreaking lesson to learn). And after much soul searching and crying. I met the man who was to be my husband.

He knew I was "the one" 2 days after meeting me. It took me 3 days to realize the same..lol. He wanted to propose in the first month, but I refused. I am a rational person, and being older and wiser knew that 1 month was not enough time to know someone. He waited as long as he could..so 364 days after meeting he proposed(knowing my rule, he didn't want to risk it )

I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting marriage. It is one of your dreams and is important to you, as it was to me.I think you deserve a man who desires to be with you as much as you desire to be with him. Making him aware of how much it hurts you that he doens't want to get married, is a good idea. Setting a limit, is a good idea...more for you than him. It will give you a destination. I know how much resentment can build up, with him not proposing, and he knows that is what you want. That is what probably made it so easy to walk away the second time for me. I was so fed up, that I was just over it. Either way...you have to make a decision. You will end up hating him for not proposing, and yourself for staying.

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How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one

BlueBongo

Ya know.. I was in the same boat... and I know that I forced the issue when I really shouldn't have. It has to be a mutual decision and you should not have second thoughts... if there is any shread of doubt, I'd move on.

It really is working together and communication as well as a bit of compromise.

You need to do what is best for yourself.

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"Things can only get so bad before they have no choice but to get better.."

Rubyee

I feel that some of you are too quick to criticize and maybe have not read all of the posts.

I want to get married for more reasons than just to get him on my health insurance. It is important to me.

We have talked about it and he is all for it. It just isn't happening.

Please don't make me out to sound like I am just jealous of his little sister; it was only an example. I understand that I shouldn't ask for advice and only expect support, but at least read everything before telling me that my reasons for wanting this are stupid.

And thanks for all the advice, both good and bad, and for the support.

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You don't know from fun.

lazygirl

I think that the suggestion to say I'd like to be married by such and such a date is a good one. You have been together a long time, why is it important for him to ask? I always wonder about this when couples are living together and she expect HIM to ask. I've been married almost 20 years and I still don't have a ring. I bring it up every once in a while but nothing happens.

He has shown his committement to you already, he's still there.

JustJess

I can understand what you mean, m'dear. When it seems like the whole world is getting to do what you are wanting and wishing for, it makes it harder.

Talk to Quadro, if you haven't already. He was in a similar situation - I was ready, and I let him know it, and I was getting impatient. Meanwhile, he was getting everything set. He didn't want to just say "hey wanna get married?", he wanted to make a thing of it, when he was ready to. Perhaps your SO just needs time to prepare his thoughts, his actions - it's amazingly a big adjustment to the way you think about things... takes some getting used to.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.