abaya

Yeah, I don't know about that ultimatum stuff. I was all psyched about the idea of marriage when I was gone from my bf for 2.5 months (we've been together 1.5 years), with the priority being that we'd never have go through that kind of separation again. I have to spend a year abroad in the next 1-2 years, and he can't go with me, basically, unless we are married (or unless he jumps through a lot of hoops for foreigners)... the idea of being there without him frightens me.

Unfortunately, the idea of being there in a new country, period, even if he is with me, also frightens him. So when I told him about my feelings regarding marriage, he freaked out and backed away emotionally. It wasn't an ultimatum, but I did tell him that if I had to go to the field for a year without him, I'd almost just rather not be with him at all because it would be too painful to go through again. The whole discussion hurt a lot for both of us. I felt rejected for a while, since he expressed a lot of reservations about us just when I had finally gotten over all of mine. I finally knew that I didn't want to live without him, and here he was saying that he would be fine with another few years without me.

But that was 2 months ago and we are doing okay for now. I am trying to adjust to the idea of a long-distance relationship with no end in sight and nothing being sure, which is really hard for me. He did say that by next fall, he will know if we "should" be engaged... which leaves me in a kind of limbo, and I guess as a result I started doubting us again, since he wasn't sure of us either. I am trying to lean on his semi-promise... but I have a hard time ignoring that little voice that zkara seems to have, too: ... I just have to remind myself that not everyone feels this way, and that a lot of this HUGE expectation comes from my romanticized Hollywood exposure. I think real life marriage decisions are a lot more complicated, and while I can't imagine waiting 8 years, or even 4, I do think that some people (especially guys) are just plain SCARED of committing to someone without having all their ducks in a row first. Hell, a lot of times *I* am scared of committing! (yes, it's true...)

So, I don't recommend the ultimatum unless you WILL follow it through, either positive or negative. For me, I don't know if I could stand behind an ultimatum right now, since I wouldn't want to lose my boyfriend just because he didn't want to get married right now (1.5 years isn't that long together, esp. when it's his first relationship). I do know that each individual case is different, and I have to say that yes, if a man loves you, he WILL marry you... within a reasonable time period.

But what is reasonable is different for every person, and for every couple (that's 3 different schedules trying to merge). I don't know how helpful it is to assume that if he doesn't marry you on YOUR TIME, then he doesn't love you. That is just something you have to figure out for yourself. I know that my bf loves me, even if we aren't getting married anytime soon... and for the present year, that's okay. Check back with me in a year or two, I guess...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran