danny_boy

Hey,

Before I met my girlfriend I did some things I regret. I paid for sex, and I am not happy about that. I did it about 15 times, all with different women. I was safe, so that is not my concern.

The sex with my girlfriend is amazing. It's kinky, we roleplay, and its amazing. But, every so often, all I can think of is calling that mysterious woman, and going over and having sex with this stranger. I have talked to my girlfriend about this, and we do not know what to do. She knows of my past, and it does not bother her.

I, nor she is willing to add someone else into our relationship (3some, etc) So, now from time to time I kind of miss my earlier escapades. Now, I know its a tradeoff, instant gratification from sex, or a lifetime with my soultate, and its a no brainer...love conquers all...but wanting the things I had in my past is mentally killing me.

Any suggestions ?

cowudders14

Was there anything in particular that you got from the prostitute that you aren't getting from your wife? Maybe it was the instant - 'Walk into room, take clothes off, be having sex within 3 minutes (I'm guessing that's what happens - I've never visited one myself)' Maybe you miss the speed of it - possibly you and your wife should try a bit of 'walk through the door and get on the floor' sex?

__________________
Moo! I'm mooey!

Starlight4

Hrmm... could you wanting the things in your past possibly have to do with the fact that you and your gf are getting more serious? Sometimes when we "grow up" or get into a more serious phase in our lives with career, relationships, etc., we tend to want what we had in the past because it's hard for us to let go of that past. Are you at all afraid of commitment?

If I'm totally wrong about that, then I would suggest using role play with the gf. Maybe you can pay her and have her act out what you want.

tres

Since she seems to be into role playing, try playing that role.. call her up..ask her how much her "time" costs.... etc..... see how that works out for you.. see if she will dress a little skanky.... maybe you can even arrange to pick her up on the side of the road.. but for that.. I would suggeset having some proof that you are a couple.. since... you never know if cops are watching.. good luck...

doncalypso

Been there, done that... I know what you mean and how you feel.

I made the mistake of telling my girlfriend about my dark past when we started dating... worst thing I could've done in my life. The woman almost dumped me on the spot for stuff that had happened befoer I went to college and before she ever knew I even existed.
Consider yourself lucky that you girlfriend isn't threatened by your past... I think some things about one's past are better left unsaid because some people don't know how to handle the truth.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

danny_boy

Hey everyone,

actually, we are engaged, to be married in 5 months, which Im ecstatic about. What do I miss ?Before if I got an urge to find an asian woman with DD breasts, I could, and I could call her and have sex with her. If I wanted a MILF type, I could have that too.

In my younger days I watched a lot of porn, and I was able to alleviate that from going to prostitutes. I could literally place myself in that porn by seeinga prostitute.

Yes, now we can roleplay, and do all of that, but it isn't the same.

I just want to clarify, that my problem is ourely sex related. I love her more than anything in the world, and we are getting married.

There are so many prostitutes, yound old, black, chinese, big tits, small...etc. It was all about variety. What fantasy I had that day...now, yes I can have sex whenever I want without paying, but it's just different.

WE talk about this all of the time, and she is supportive, she feels bad for me, because of what I have done in the past. She knows how guilty I feel, and wants that to end. This all makes me feel guilty because she feels that she cannot satisfy me. She can satisfy me, but my past is just making me want more.

jhkayakr

doesn't sound like your ready to settle down and be monogamous. that could be a problem in the future. Are you getting married out of fear of being alone?

__________________
........gotta need for speed....

danny_boy

Not at all...

I am getting married because I love this person more then anything in the world. and I could never imagine my life without her.

we have been dating for 4 years, andthe idea of waking up next to her everyday puts a smile on my face.

No, I am not ready to be monogamous, but I do not have a choice now. Like I said earlier, the choice is obvious her...I just need a way to stop wanting my past, and enjoy the present.

tres

I'm gonna agree with jhkayakr. I don't think your ready to settle down.. However... this protitute thing is an addiction, and you should try seeking help for it. If you truly are ready to be with your fiance then look into getting some help..

__________________
"Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant

"Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

danny_boy

Hi,

I agree with you, I should get help....but are you guys suggesting I break it off with my soulmate, because I am not ready to be monogamous...

I'm at the point of no return...I could never lose her..

tres

I don't think that breaking it off is a decision we can make.. If you arent ready to be monogamous then discuss that with your SO. If she can deal with that..then great..if not.. you have to decide whats more important to you. You can break it off, and live the live you had, or stay with her, and risk cheating on her and losing her, possibly giving her an STD, breaking her heart, and wasting her time. If you don't want to leave her, and don't want to cheat on her.. change yourself.... make yourself the person you want to be for her.. IF that is what you TRULY want and if that will make you HAPPY

__________________
"Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant

"Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

danny_boy

Hey,

I aree with you...I would NEVER cheat....never in a million years.

I know the solution is working on myself, and usually it works...for a certain period of time..then it comes back.

I have spoken to many of my friends...they all agree that the grass is not greener on theother side. No matter who u have sex with, no matter how great it is, most people always want something else...and all who have been there and done that say that finding that special person is better than anything.

So, again, I've made my choice, and now I must try to put my past behind me.

Actaully , images of my past arise when I look at porn alone, and masturbate. I was thinking, only to watch porn with her...when I do that, I rarely think of my past, rather I think of the hot woman next to me...

I find myself looking at escort ads online, and fantasizing..perhaps if I get the willpower to stop that I will ease my problem.

greeneyes

You absolutely do have a choice. If you are not ready to be monogamous, don't get married. I'm not saying you should leave her all together, but don't make a lifelong committment of monogamy if you aren't ready. Have you thought about counseling? It is obvious you cannot put this behind you by yourself so perhaps professional help is the way to go.

__________________
Put the blame on me
So you don't feel a thing

Go on and save yourself
Take it out on me

danny_boy

Yes, I have thought about counselling.

How do I rationalize this problem....well, 90% of men watch porn, and fantasize. Now, many have great sex lives...fully satisfied. Many watch porn with their SO's. However, many men still fantasize about other women, it is human nature.

Men go to strip clubs..even at the damn beach...seeing major eye candy always makes the head turn, and the fantasies start pouring out.

I have spoken to some close older friends about it...who are happily married. They tell me stories.." I once dated this girl, and she was obsessed with anal...she loved it!." They admitted they had great experiences, and fantasize all the time, but they have moved on from that.

How is my situation theoretically different. It is human nature to fantasize...to watch porn...etc...true my situation is complicated, because they were with prostitutes..but is it really that abnormal...

I once heard on the sunday nite sex show, a girl complaining how her bf always looked at other women, and masturbated to porn a lot. Sue Johanssen explained that men will always do that..it is natural. Call it a double standard, but many women are not like that.

This is how I have been rationalizing this to myself.

greeneyes

So women are just supposed to accept that type of disrespect because men are just like that? That's bullshit.

__________________
Put the blame on me
So you don't feel a thing

Go on and save yourself
Take it out on me

tecoyah

After reading this thread I have a little advice....but I ask that you take it in the way it is meant, constructive.

You need to decide to become a man, and toss the boy aside.

I mean no offense by this as we have all had to make this transition to become who we are. The Idea that the selfish and needy Boy deserves and requires outside stimulation is as old as the Penis. Until you make the jump to understanding that the world is no longer revolving around "Your" needs , you will not be ready to commit to ANY woman. If indeed you have found your soul mate, hey, more power to you. But, to myself it is relatively obvious that this is up for debate, as you feel it is acceptable to cause harm to this person, simply to meet a percieved physical need.
Your call, But if you truly Love this woman.....would you really want to hurt her in such a way.......I know I dont.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

danny_boy

I know that. maturity is a major issue here, point taken.

gduventree

Recognizing that you have a problem and identifying it is half of the solution. Wanting to address the problem is the other half. The rest should come with time.

There's no easy solution here, but where there is a will, there's a way. You'll figure something out, as long as you keep trying and don't give up.

ironmaiden7o7

This is a difficult situation that I had no idea what I would do if I were dealing with such. Atleast your girlfriend is open minded about it. I can only imagine how hard it must be to fight temptations. But, there is a time when we have to give up certain things, especially if you are in love with your present girlfriend, you need to give your past up. You should only be satisfied with her and her alone. Now, if she is willing to have 3-somes, then, you should try it, if not, just leave it alone and hope to fight harder to overcome these urges. I agree with Tecoyah on becomming a man, you really need to look further into the future and tell yourself that you are ready for a mature relationship, I hope you overcome this. Good luck.

danny_boy

I totally agree with what everyone says..

There are no temptations here..just fantasies, that I would NEVER act upon. It's as simple as fantasizing while masturbating, or wathing porn. I simply enjoyed my past, and it pops up in my mind. I would never cheat, and my love for her has a strength that overpowers anything and everything else.

It is a matter of willpower, growing up, and dealing with it. The choice has already been made, and will never be revoked upon. I know I love her, and that's it.

I appreciate everyone's advice, and feel a lot better.

skysooner

I have been through this as well. I used prostitutes during my "dry spell" in college. It was easy and convenient and didn't involve me putting myself out there in bars just to get shot down. I was working 16 hrs/day in a lab doing my Master's work which didn't leave a bunch of time for a relationship. Even before this, I was the king of the one or two night stand. My wife was a virgin, and it was a real struggle to get over the fact that she wasn't polished in bed and I thought I was. I was fantasizing about going outside the marriage. I would have done a 3-some with her if she had been into it. I had experienced that as well before college. She wasn't, so it became a moot point.

What I found out through time is that the sex that you can achieve with one partner is so much more exciting than you can with someone strange. Yes, you get that rush from being with someone new the first or second time. However, the quality isn't really there. By really spending time to communicate about your fantasies and desires, you can achieve a much more in-depth sexual connection that is tied to your emotional connection with her. It took us a very long time to achieve as she wasn't very experienced and getting her to trust me that way took a lot of talking to get her over her inhibitions. Through talking to her though I found out where I was lacking in bed as well and worked on that. It works both ways.

Focus on your emotional connection (which it appears you have), and if everything works out you will eventually realize that your desire for that rush can be channeled into sex with your partner. Even today, I still look at a pretty girl and imagine sex with her. It is just something ingrained, but I have control over the intensity of it now where I had a hard time controlling it early in my marriage. I never did stray, but the temptation was surely there.

cowudders14

You said part of the problem was what you view online - personal ads and porn sites.

It was also said that you are still hanging onto many parts of your childhood. Thus, a suggestion for you.

Self discipline can only go so far, but if there is something else as an aid, something you must do before you can break your self-imposed rules (no looking at porn on your own, no looking at personal ads) then it becomes a lot easier.

How about installing one of those programs that is technically for kids that stops you visiting certain websites unless you enter a password - net nanny or something like that. Then you have to switch the program off to view those sites,which gives your mind another action to do before you hit the "but I'll just have a quick look" - you are making a concious decision to view the sites by switching it off, and it's a lot easier to say No to yourself.

That and keep talking about progress with your lady may help.

I know it sounds possibly a daft suggestion, and there are various ways of doing something similar, but it's a suggestion.

__________________
Moo! I'm mooey!

abaya

Yesssss this is so important to remember!! I think this is a great point... especially since my bf and I have pretty much only had each other, and I don't think it takes away from our sex life at all. I love getting to know new sides of him, and at the same time knowing him so well... I never get bored.

I think everyone has temptations, but you do grow out of them once you learn how to have self-control and realize how meaningless and destructive it would be to give in to them. At least, that's my hope! And skysooner confirms this.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Spicy McHaggis

Honesty is one thing, but I don't think i would have told her about your past.. and especially that you have current urges!

Once you're married she will always wonder if you're up to something when you take out extra money and will always have this in the back of her mind.

This is an example where it's better off to just keep quiet.

cowudders14

Sorry Spicy, but I disagree 100%.

Communication and open-ness in a relationship is everything! If you hadn't told her, you'd keep it bottled up and would just feel bad about it. It would eat away at you and you'd tell her much further down the line. You would then destroy the trust she had in you as she would wonder what else you hadn't told her. That's too personal an issue to keep from someone you are about to marry. Telling her shows her that you trust her enough to open those parts of yourself that are most private. Doing that takes a lot of courage - I've not fully done it to my wife after 1.5years of marriage, - it takes a hell of a lot of courage and effort to trust someone that much, but trust me, it's the best option by far.

__________________
Moo! I'm mooey!

doncalypso

The way I see it, some people (be it men or women) just can't handle the whole truth. While a part of them may be grateful that you trust them enough to open up to them, they'll always use that knowledge as a weapon against you. Trust me... I've been there.

It's one thing if you've had an STD---or you currently have one---to let your partner know (because their health and safety is potentially at risk too), but not everything about your past should be revealed.

Some things are better left unsaid.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

JamesB

I can tell you from experience: with something like this, your g/f may tell you that it does not bother her .. but IT SURE DOES!

Talk this one out - figure it out. Don't ignore the issue because it may become very corrosive to your relationship.

danny_boy

I went the other day to speak with a sex therapist, and I must tell you, I feel 100x better.

As well, I disagree with everyone that says that some things are better left unsaid with your life partner. I do not know about all of you, but my conscience speaks volumes, and I could never hide anything from her. Isn't the entire point of having someone you love sooo much, and care about, to have a bond like no other, a bond where you hold nothing back.

True, certain confessions may hurt the other person, but mine did not, because it occurred well before we knew eachother. Yes, I did risk losing her by telling her this in the first 3 months of our relationship, but it was somethin that had to be said.

I cannot comment how I would feel if telling her backfired and we were not together. But, I do not have to think about that. She had many things in her past that seemed shocking to me, and bother me, but it was her past, and it doesnt change the girl I fell in love with, or the person she is today.

Everyone has some skeletons in the closet.

cowudders14

danny_boy - Well done for getting the courage to go to a sex therapist. I couldn't agree more with your comments, and I'm glad it's starting to work out for you.

__________________
Moo! I'm mooey!

JamesB

I am so glad to hear it worked out for you!!

I envy your success.

Good on ya for seeking professional assistance.

__________________
-- apt-get install spare_time --

dbh

This is not really an answer to your question, but thought I'd share an experience with you. While I've never paid for sex, in my younger days I had some...umm...experiences. When my wife and I first started dating we talked about these things and it didn't bother her. For some reason, now that we're married, it DOES bother her. Wish I'd had the forsight to keep my mouth shut. I'm a firm believer in what's past is past - as long as it doesn't put anyone else in danger. She has a bad habit of asking questions she really doesn't want the answer to. Now I know to avoid those conversations, but there was a time I felt like I shouldn't keep secrets.

doncalypso

I wholeheartedly agree... some things are better left unsaid.

I think all women have this habit of asking questions whose answer they know they might not want to hear... but they ask anyways. Go figure.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation