DJ Happy

As I write this I feel as though there is absolutely no recourse for me in my current situation.

My wife is lovely. She is kind and caring and funny and has a great ass. The problem with my wife is that she is completely unable to handle any level of stress. As soon as something stresses her out in the slightest, be it our 2 year old daughter who won't come when she calls her, or the car that we wanted to buy failing its mechanic's examination, she flips. She screams and shouts and becomes abusive to all around her, especially myself. When I get offended by this because I'm being told I'm a bastard and an asshole and I don't care about anyone but myself she tells me that she's just stressed and that I shouldn't take it personally, which I find incredible.

Currently we are trying to buy a car and move house, which are obviously stressful undertakings. I am fighting hard to get a permanent transfer at work, so I am basically doing 2 jobs (my own, plus the one I want so as to show what I can offer them). In doing all of this I am running around like a blue-arsed fly, at home and work. Yesterday she phoned my office, asked for me and was put through to the conference room where I was in an informal meeting. One of my colleagues answered the phone and received a tongue-lashing from my wife as to why the receptionist put her through to what she assumed was the wrong office (this very thing had happened earlier in the day as well, but that time she asked for Happy and my colleague passed the phone over to me - easy). I could hear her from the other side of the table and quickly ran around to get the phone from him, after which I received a tongue-lashing of my own. When I got home I told her that this sort of thing was not on and was handed another tongue-lashing about how I don't care about anyone but myself, how I thought my work colleagues were more important than she was and that I never side with her on anything, all while screaming at the top of her voice. Our daughter was an unfortunate witness to all of this.

Earlier in the day she had screamed at me when I was trying to give her directions that she already knew ( I didn't know she knew until she screamed at me) and screamed at me when I phoned her from work and she was trying to feed the baby.

I don't know what to do about this. I absolutely hate it. My wife, however, thinks that this kind of behaviour is absolutely normal and that my problem is that I don't understand her. Unfortunately I do understand her - I just don't like it and don't think I can live with it for much longer.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can handle this?

dlish

have you contemplated anger management courses for her? maybe for yourself too?

a few things u should think about:

- has she always been like this?
- how can it be overcome (councelling maybe?)
- are we getting the whole story? i mean theres always two sides, have u set her off because uve done something wrong?
- do you scream back at her?
- is she insecure about her looks, personality etc?
- does she work, or is she a sit at home mum? (boredom frustration etc)

ive been married for 3.5 years now and the way i manage things like this with my wife, is by not getting involved in a shouting stouch with her. in fact ive never shouted at her in anger..nor sworn at her or in front of her. i wouldnt accept it on myself, so i wouldnt accept it if i did that to her. that way, it gives her no excuse to shout back or swear back...

i find that by doing (controlling my anger and my tongue) it gives me control over the relationship. but this was something i implemented from day 1, so i dont know if the horse has bolted in your case.. id find it hard to assert these rules, if after X amount of time, you wanted to implement such a thing, unless the two of you started with a clean slate.

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abaya

Jesus... has it always been like this from day 1 of your marriage/relationship?

You guys need some ground rules for communication; sounds like she won't listen to you, but would she be open to counseling? Is she aware of how much this stuff hurts you? Does she know that you are considering leaving her?

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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tecoyah

one thought....when such an explosion occurs....leave the room, come back when she calms. If she does it again....leave the room. But definately seek councelling as soon as possible, as defined above, there are some serious issues in her head.

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maleficent

What was her family situation like growing up? It doesn't excuse itat all, but this might just be what she's used to... Maybe she comes from a family of screamers... (Or watched entirely too much I Love Lucy and Ricky Ricardo is a role model)

When she starts yelling, what do you do? People can only do to you what y ou allow them to do, if you sit there and take it, or you scream back, she's not gonna get the idea t hat she's doing anything wrong. (Maybe it's how her mother treated her father and her father just sat there and took it)

What's sad is that your child sees this, and will grow up thinking it's normal behavior.

I dated a screamer for a while... it wasnt anger so much with him, as his family dynamic, they were all a bunch of very emotional people - way over the top emotional people. When he yelled, I found the best apprach was to lower my voice and continue talking, the person will often match the voice of the person they are talking/screeching with. Or leaving the room could be an option as well...but that may set off a whole other set of problems

After a while it got too exhausting so I just bailed out...

Good luck

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Daoust

That sounds like some anger management issues, but it doesn't sound too far off what I think my wife is going through. She's not near that bad, but she does have a tough time controlling her temper, she does not handle stress well, and she sure yells a lot. One difference is that my wife sees a change in her behaviour. She knows she has a shorter fuse and that she seems more moody and angry. She sought medical help ( like to see if it was a hormone imbalance or whatever ) but of course the doctors just said the usual: if it persists, come back again.

Not to make you out to be a bad guy, DJ, but we are only seeing your side of the story too. I believe you, to be fair, but I would have to admit that when my wife gets angry, more than once it is because of something I did. I know that I get her pretty steamed sometimes, and I know that if I changed some things about me, she wouldn't have as many occasions to get angry. Anyway, that's just somethign to chew on.

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Daniel_

As with Mal, I was with a shouter/screamer.

Our daughter seemed unmoved by it, until after we split when she started talking about "when mummy talked so loudly I couldn't play" (age 4).

It broke my heart that I'd allowed my little girl to be part of that.

Her mother is happier now, and seems not to shout anymore - although she did for 15 years with me, and did at other friends - maybe us splitting helped her to re-examine her own life. I hope so.

All I know is that my daughter is better off, and so am I. I haven't raised my voice in 2 years, and I feel better for it.

It's hard, and I know you love her, and fancy her, but it seems destructive - I hope you have the strength to bear the cost of the choice you make. Staying is going to be hard work, and going will be too.

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DJ Happy

Thanks to everyone who replied.

I would love for her to go to anger management courses, but the problem is that she doesn't think there is anything wrong with what she does. She thinks this a normal reaction to stress. So I'm afraid that by suggesting it she would just get angry again.

To answer your other questions:

- has she always been like this?

No. She has always been easily frustrated and she puts herself under unnecessary pressure (to keep a clean house - although we have a maid - and to make good dinners for the family and so on, although I have told her that I have never been concerned about any of that - I get enough just from coming home to her and the fat little kid), but the screaming has definitely got worse over the last 4 months or so.

- are we getting the whole story? i mean theres always two sides, have u set her off because uve done something wrong?

I am trying to give you as untainted an account as I can. I'm not perfect and have apologised when I have behaved unreasonably. She admits herself that she gets easily stressed and that this is just her way of venting, but I hate bearing the brunt of her vent. I'm her husband and while I would do anything to try and reassure, comfort and console her, I will not accept being her proverbial punching bag. Last night again after she had calmed down she said that she was just finding the whole procedure (moving, buying a car) very stressful. She always calms down after a while, but until then it's hell.

Last year when I was working in Saudi Arabia, just after the attacks on Westerners, she left the country with our daughter and went and stayed with her sister in Ireland. After a couple of weeks they had a screaming match and her sister asked her to leave her house. So she went to stay with my father in Atlanta and the same thing happened (although my father never screamed back at her - he just isn't like that). My father was very worried after she left and went to a psychologist to describe her behaviour and see if she could offer any advice. The psychologist, while saying that she could not make a definitive diagnosis without having met my wife, said that it sounded as though she had control issues and set herself no limits.

My mother has said the same thing about her (my parents are divorced) - that she seems to get angry very quickly without any warning. Her own mother has said that she has a tendency to get very angry, but that she doesn't mean what she says in her outbursts (my wife doesn't know about any of this).

- do you scream back at her?

Never to begin with. I used to when it first started, but only after a she had been screaming at me for 10 minutes or so as it was the only way I could get her to listen to me. If I just tried to talk to her she'd just scream louder. I haven't screamed at her in about a year now and when she starts screaming I ask her to please stop and if she doesn't, I walk away. This just makes her more angry though. She says when I do that it's like me saying that I'm above her and that I don't deem her worthy of listening to. When she's screaming though, there is nothing worth listening to. It's just a stream of insults and abuse that does nothing towards working through the problem.

- is she insecure about her looks, personality etc?

Her looks, yes. Since she's had the baby she says that she's fat, although she jokes about it a lot. I have never said anything to her about it though (she's not that much different to when I first met her anyway) and often tell her she's gorgeous. When I tell her this though, she doesn't believe me. I guess I could tell her more though.

- does she work, or is she a sit at home mum? (boredom frustration etc)

She's a housewife. She worked earlier after the baby was born, but stopped it because she said it took up too much of her time and she wanted to be with the baby more. Now she's involved in a fair few activities and is doing a course to get certification to become a ballet teacher (she does this when our daughter is at school) as well as other social activities. She is certainly not bored - if anything, I think she tries to take on too much.


I'd love if we could start with a clean slate. I've suggested before that we have a 'trigger word' that we use when either of us becomes too stressed and are at breaking point. She agreed, but has never used it. I asked her to please not shout at me and just talk to me and explain she is stressed as then I can try to help. She agreed, but she's never done it.

DJ Happy

With regards to whether I do anything to set her off, this is not so much about when we have a disagreement, just how she gets when she gets stressed - everything makes her angry. For instance, last night I called her from the office because I needed a telephone number that she had, and as soon as she picked up she started screaming at me that she was trying to get the baby fed, she didn't have time to answer the phone, that she was under a lot of pressure ("DO YOU UNDERSTAND???") and then hung up. I wasn't even able to say a word in between all of that.

shakran

well from where I sit it's time for an ultimatum. She's harming your child and she can't be allowed to do that anymore. It's time to tell her "I love you, but you have three choices. Either stop this immediately on your own, go to counselling, or I'm leaving you." You have to stop the damage she's doing to your kid and hope that the damage she's already caused isn't permanent.

maleficent

Now, if the genders were reversed, and you were a woman and she was a man, there'd be no question you were being emotionally abused, and the advice would be, if she won't get help, then get the heck out... now. There's nothing at all that you could do that would deserve that kind of treatment from another adult. It's your home, it should be a safe happy place for you to go.You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her, she's your wife, she's the person you should be able to talk to about anything and say pretty much anything to without worrying about a reaction

Now... there's kids involved and she seems to have major problems controlling her temper... Are the children affected by this at all? Should there be a worry there, since her anger isn't limited to just you, has she ever gotten angry at the children?

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DJ Happy

She gets angry at our kid, but nowhere near like she does at me. Sometimes I think she expects too much from her, like when she tells her to come here and our daughter doesn't or when she tells her not to take her sunglasses but she does anyway, but then again, she's only two years old. She never hits our child so I'm not worried about that at all and she is a very good mother other than sometimes expecting too much from a two year old.

Divorce has crossed my mind, but the good times are very good and the bad times, while getting more frequent and more draining, are not regular. We also live in a country that she could not stay in if we were to separate (she's on my visa) and I don't think she'd stay here anyway. That would mean that my daughter would leave as well which would kill me. I work full time and often work unpredictable hours, which would mean that I would have to hire a full-time nanny if she were to stay with me. Although I would love to have her live with me, I would rather she was raised by a parent than a nanny even though I'd be with her evenings and weekends. For both of these reasons, I would much rather work through this than divorce.

I've thought about the ultimatum as well, but as I said, she doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong to begin with. Issuing an ultimatum would be the same as just telling her to get out. Although maybe if I made it that definitive she would think twice about it.

I think I'll have a good long talk to her tonight. When she's stressed there's no point even trying to talk to her, so she'd be more receptive now. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Thanks again for replying to me. It makes me feel better to write down my thoughts on this and to hear other's opinions on it.

JustJess

I have to agree with Mal. You're being abused by this woman, no matter how good her intentions are. Even if she's not screaming "as much" at your daughter, it's definitely unhealthy for the little one to be subjected to this.
I would say that she'll learn a lot quicker that she's wrong if you decide to live elsewhere, and her/your family also inform her of their concerns. It would be nice to have a parent raise your child, but a nanny is probably a lot healthier than your wife. I would also be tempted to record her tantrums and play them for her when she's calm. If she still doesn't understand it, then I would be packing my bags. No one deserves that... and I have a hard time believing that good times are good enough to balance that.

Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.

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guthmund

Are you so sure it's just stress?

Not to get all personal anecdoty on you, but my uncle was like that after he got married. It was the constant pressure to be a husband, to have a family and provide for them. He worked all sorts of odd hours, slept irregularly and the like. He used to go from hot to cold and back at the flick of a switch. One minute he'd be telling a joke and laughing the next yelling because someone put a fingerprint on his glass coffee table. Everyone thought it was just stress, but he went to the family doctor, referred to therapy and was diagnosed bi-polar. They put him on some medication and he's been fine ever since.

The doctor told his wife that anger due to stress is one thing, it's quite another to have recurring flashes of irrational anger.

I normally hate to suggest this, but maybe it's time to think about the pharmacological solution.

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Squishor

I agree that the situation you're describing is intolerable. Screaming is one thing I don't accept in a relationship and I commend you for your patience. My feelings stem from the fact that I had to listen to my parents screaming at each other, and I'm concerned for your daughter. I have been known to crawl in the closet and curl up in a ball when one of my past boyfriends raised his voice to me, and I've been told I may have PTSD due to my parents arguing. Of course everyone responds differently.

Nobody has mentioned this, but have you considered the possibility that she could have some sort of chemical imbalance or other physiological issue? Could it be hormonal? Her behavior sounds so extreme and irrational I wonder whether there isn't something else wrong. Then again, her unwillingness to consider that she is crossing the bounds of acceptable behavior points to her upbringing. I don't know how you can get through to her on this point - maybe you could tape-record her some time and play it back for her? Perhaps a letter which she could read without the opportunity to react and start in on you, since you wouldn't be there in person? Maybe a third party could talk to her about it? If she is able to control her behavior, there has to be some way you can convey the imporance of it. Good luck to you - this has to be a very trying situation.

Hmm, looks like people had the same ideas as me while I was writing. I wonder if there's any way you could get her to see a doctor for this.

I had an idea for a trouble-shooting type approach. If you could sit down with her and get her to promise to listen to you without raising her voice, then you'd hopefully be able to get your feelings across. If she starts yelling, that might tell you whether she's even capable of controlling it. You could then point that out to her and possibly get her to seek outside help on that basis, whether it's medical or counseling. If she is able to sit down and keep her promise of not yelling, then that tells you something too, plus it gives you an opportunity to discuss it with her.

How are you approaching her on the subject? Is there a chance you're putting it in a way that causes her to become defensive? One approach that might be productive is putting it to her in terms of you needing her help with the situation. A request for help tends to bring out the best in people, and a non-blaming approach might be a means to get her to listen long enough to be willing to try and change.

If you get to the point where you can get her to try and change, I personally would give her a second chance if she slips - unfortunately human behavior isn't the sort of thing that can be controlled like flipping a switch. She'll probably have to try a lot before she can change, but you could work on it together.

It's too bad you're in a foreign country where you don't have access to resources like family and friends. Again, best of luck to you

lurkette

I think you need to reinforce that even though what she's doing doesn't seem like a problem to her, it IS a problem for you, and for many other people. Her behavior is not normal or healthy (particularly with a child around to pick up on the bad vibes and repeat the behavior).

I like Jess's and Squishor's idea of recording her during one of her tantrums (really, she does sound like she's behaving like a spoiled child) and playing it back for her. It might also help if you had some kind of "intervention" - getting other people in her life who are affected by her behavior to confront her with you. This really does sound extreme, and until/unless she DOES see that there is a problem, I don't see much hope of making a difference.

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Charlatan

I would never put up with that kind of behaviour.

That said, I am not one for confrontation and would likely have broken things off with her a long time ago... like the first time she ever yelled for no apparent reason.

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pinkie

Quite simply; therapy! It's not your job to "counsel" your wife professionally. She sounds as though she’d definitely benefit from counseling. Not just marriage counseling, but individual as well. She may have a chemical/hormonal thing going on too as others have mentioned. At any rate, she sounds unhappy. Her perspective can change, but she needs encouragement and patience. People don’t change over night. With a child involved, I’d imagine your first choice wouldn’t be to give up on the commitment you made to each other, but to find a way to make things better.
Do you guys go to a church? If so, does it offer small groups? I know at my church there’s a course called, “Marriage Matters” which has been helpful to couples either struggling with their already existing relationship or couples that are engaged. I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I just thought I’d throw that out there!

I would definitely sit down with her and seriously discuss your unhappiness, and the possibility of her going to see a professional, preferably a medical doctor/psychiatrist.

abaya

This has been my own experience as well... my parents screamed at each other for as long as I can remember, no doubt when I was 2 years old as well. My mom still screams at me when she loses control, though she has been working on it since I was about 20 (the last 5 years). The damage was already done by then, though... it is done when you don't even know it, like right now for your daughter.

If nothing else, use this as a card for your wife: tell her about what the TFP'ers have said about growing up in an angry household, and how she'll work on stopping it for the sake of your daughter AND your marriage.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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ratbastid

I've got something for you to try. I wouldn't say that this technique is 100% guaranteed, but it seems to me like it might work well in this situation. You can't change her, as you've probably noticed, but you can develop new communication skills that make things easier for both of you.

When she's throwing a fit like this, she's about five years old, right? What does a five-year-old do when it feels like nobody's listening to it? It repeats itself over and over and over again, right? What does a five-year-old do when people disagree or resist what it says? It gets louder and louder until it's screaming, right? Until it's throwing a full-blown tantrum.

Next time she starts getting out of control, here's what you do: make sure she knows you're listening to her. Repeat back to her what she's saying--without any defensiveness or resistance or judgement or disagreement. In a calm, clear voice say, for instance, "So you feel like I only care about myself, that my work colleagues are more important to me, and that I'm never on your side. I got it." Then shut up and let that sit. You watch, she'll start to settle down almost immediately.

Notice that you're not agreeing with her, here. You're not sympathizing or understanding either. You're just getting what she's saying.

They key thing is to bring absolutely no resistance to the interaction. You'll naturally want to defend yourself or argue with her or, god help us, fix it or make it better for her. Don't let yourself do that. Resistance makes people's concerns get bigger and louder. No-Resistance makes people's concerns disappear. Think of it this way: whatever she says is valid, and she has a good reason for saying it and for being how she's being when she says it. It may not make sense to anyone else in the world, but for her, it's valid.

Whether this technique can turn into a long-term approach to this situation, I don't know. I think it might be able to. I hope at least it can serve to defuse a few of the instances where it's hardest.

WillyPete

Have you considered recording her during such a tirade and then when she calms down, telling her what you did, and if she agrees, you should both listen to it and discuss what she thinks of her actions and what she really wanted to get across?

Not to be used in a 'told you so' fashion, but an honest review of what she said and to try and resolve her stress at that moment.

Treat it like a football, play-by-play. If it works her up again, then stop the playback and calm it down until rational discussion resumes.

dlish

i think that as much as any of us here on TFP would like to help, i think at least two types of councelling is needed. first and foremost is personal councelling, and secondly marriage councelling.

i think there are so many issues and undertones, that its not possible for any one of us to give any judgement (ie. leave her, or do this, or do that). of course we can give suggestions or bring up issues for you to think about.

but i think there are a few avenues to pursue...but i dont think that the 'ultimatum' is a good idea (ie. 1) stop now, 2) get councelling, 3) or im out of here . maybe just the first two choices would be a good idea,..ie. stop or get councilling, sound a lot better than divorce...talk of divorce isnt such a good one in this case.

ive read and re-read the posts DJ..what struck me was this...

"I ask her to please stop and if she doesn't, I walk away. This just makes her more angry though. She says when I do that it's like me saying that I'm above her and that I don't deem her worthy of listening to."

i find it ironic that that by her shouting at you, its like saying that she is above you. theres an inferiority complex here... once again self esteem could be an issue, but i definately reccomend proffesional help.

we are all just lay TFPers here (im a builder myself), so on a proffessional level, its hard to give answers without knowing signs to look for, although there have been many great suggestions made i must say.

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diddagirl

I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate position DJHappy. Your description of your wife reminds me alot of myself and the way I treat my loved ones. This is by no means normal or healthy for anyone in your family...especially your daughter. I think your wife definetly needs to look into some anger management classes. As much as you think she may lash out again, I think it needs to be done. Like I said (from my own experiences) thsi is by no means a normal way of dealing with stress. When you propose this to your wife, ask her to respect your opinion and your feelings in being uncomfortable with the way things escalate when she is dealing with stress. This way, she knows this is simply how you feel, and your not labelling her a crazy bitch or anything. Explain to her that you want to make things better for your marriage and your daughter, and to please give it a chance. Good luck.

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thingstodo

Doesn't sound like a bad plan at all. You certainly won't convinve her that there is a problem based on what you've said.

You mentioned that this began about four months ago. something changed. Either something new is making her angry or she feels guilty about something she did. A third option would be that there is something physical effecting her. The key is what happened to spark the change.

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shakran

I know you're saying she doesn't see herself as having a problem. That's why you say "Yes, but I see us as having a problem, and it's a problem that's gonna lead to me leaving if it doesn't get cleared up."

She needs to understand that her behavior, while apparently perfectly wonderful from her point of view, is not acceptable to the rest of the world, most especially yourself.

If that didn't work, I'd pull out my microcassette recorder and tape a few minutes of one of her rants, then play it back later when everything's calm. See if she thinks that she's being rational if she can hear herself.

Demeter

Please approach her and tell her your concerns and that you will support her through her therapy, wahtever she chooses.
I was once that woman, and it took my husband to come tell me that I had become unbearable and I had to get help or leave. I was stunned. I had no idea what I had been doing.
I went to the doctor and was eventually diagnosed with chronic depression. I waqs prescribed an antidepressant which made a new woman out of me.
I had two small kids & was a stay at home Mom as well. Even though I had friends around me, we were living in a new town & I think, without realizing it, that I felt isolated & therefore out of control.
And I blamed my husband for my unhappiness.
I got the help I needed & there is no shadow of that hurtful person in me anymore.

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abaya

^ Demeter this was a really honest and touching post... it helps me really understand my own mom a lot more. And sometimes yes, I do think ultimatums are what has to happen in these situations, since people don't often realize what's happening themselves until they are put in shock. Thank you for sharing, and for giving hope!

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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Lead543

It would be different if it were just you and her. But you've got a daughter there, who hears the screaming. What happens to a two year old who see's and feels the emotional abuse firsthand?

You need to talk to your wife about how you feel and then seek out a doctor or therapist who can help you and your wife and possibley your daughter too. If your wife refuses help, you may need to consider leaving, I know you think that your wife will get your child, but what she's doing is abuse, honestly, it sounds to me that the child would be better off with a full-time nanny.

You've mentioned that she's never hit your daughter, if she can go off on a fellow employee for what she thinks is a misdirected call then I question her control. If she gets that mad whats to stop her from hitting your daughter or you?

Your daughter doesn't really have a voice in all of this so it's your job to do what's best for the emotional well being of you, your child and wife.

Good Luck.

Sage

I'll go with everyone else and say that not only is her behavior abusive towards you, but if you were in the US (which I gather you're not) and the DSS (Social Services) got wind of her behavior towards your daughter you'd bet your behind they'd have an agent out there THAT DAY to take the child away from her. Her behavior hints at either a severe deficiency to deal effectively with stress, or a severe mental imbalance (i.e. bipolar) or both. Right now it sounds like she might be suffering from either depression or bipolar disorder, I'd say it's more likely to be depression given the circumstances she is under (stay-at-home mom in the middle of moving and buying a new car).

Bottom line, if you were a woman and she were a man, her behavior would be considered serious abuse. She is obviously incabable of communicating her feelings in a calm and directional manner when she feels under pressure. Her yelling at your daughter "when she doesn't do as asked" is very troubling, because it sounds like she's not able to understand that small children don't comphrehend the way that adults do- who in their right mind expects a 2 year old to sit down and speak only when spoken to?

Get your wife some help NOW if you want to save yourself and your daughter from a severely traumatized existence for the rest of your lives.

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Suzz04

I'm sorry to chime in but... given that I am bi-polar and in the current position of seeking help, I feel I ought to provide some of my own experiences.

Unfortunately, I've had the same situation happen with me on the shouting and screaming. I realize now that it was all very stupid now, or rather, I should say to me looking back, it all was very stupid.

My bf left me because of the same reason. Uncontrolled rage would go through me and I'd loose sight of all else and start screaming. To a normal person, nothing I was ranting about made any sense. But, to myself, it was all clear, understandable, and warrented. I'm not saying that it truly was but to me in the midst of my "insanity" as I call it, it was the right thing.

No, I'm not completely better yet. I'm on my 3rd pysch that I go to visit in July. Supposedly he is a great one, just very hard to get into. I'm currently am taking Lexapro to help with some of the issues of bi-polar as I was told by my former psych that this would help. It does help control some of it but not all of it.

I have a 9 yr old daughter that has been through all this and thankfully she's adjusting alot better now. She fully understands what bi-polar is and also understands that I have bad times and leaves me be.

One thing I have to add is that, even though, I know now what is wrong with me, I still feel the rage sometimes. Maybe because I'm not prescribed exactly the right kind of medication. But, I can see what's happening and be able to take a step back and stop.

I'm not sure if your wife has suicidal tenadencies or not. But, in all honesty, don't take it lightly. You can never be too sure how far gone a person is in that state. I had alot of times where I felt that it would be easier all around for me to take the "easy" way out. I still have them now but not as severely. When I do have that time, I stop and talk to my bf, who has supported me and helped me find my way back out of that little black hole.

My family has a long history of bi-polar women and all of them have been nearly the same. But, thankfully it stopped at my mother, who is medicated and sees what she has done wrong in the past years and wish she had known it when she was in her early 20's. I'm thankful that I'm only 28 and finding out before I cause my daughter to stop talking to me in the future like my mother did with her's.

Sorry to be long winded, but do research on bi-polar. There's alot of information out there now that wasn't avaible before! And, you might be able to find that she too is and get her back to being a "normal" person again.

Suzz04

raveneye

I'll pipe in here too, as my wife has had very similar problems, also seemingly environmental-stress related, although usually it happens during her time of the month (right about now actually). Otherwise very similar to DJ's situation: completely out of control temper, a totally different person, a Jekyll-Hyde sort of change. She'll be normal and sweet one minute, then completely black the next, yelling sarcastically about how impossible her life is with us (me and our daughter, who is often present). Sometimes she threatens suicide, and sometimes she threatens to take a flight back to Germany with our daughter; in one case she actually packed two suitcases and was looking up Travelocity. In one case she obliquely threatened our daughter saying "You're ignoring me but I'm going to kill myself and you might wake up in the morning and find out that I'm not the only one gone" and in that case I called the police (the only time I did that). Since the police incident she has never threatened anybody, nor has there ever been any physical abuse.

In her case, she always gets over the incident fairly quickly, fully knows that what she did was wrong, and apologizes, and tries to be better the next time. I'm trying to get her some professional help but she categorically refuses. We take things one day at a time, and when she's fine (probably 90% of the time) she tells me "I'm so sorry for all the pain I cause you guys, I hope you can forgive me, you just need to remember that there are times when I'm dysfunctional." And then it happens again next week . . . .

I've talked to our daughter a lot about it, tried to explain, but I still feel it's totally wrong that she's allowing herself to behave like this in the presence of our 5-year-old. Our daughter seems to be taking it fairly well though, she just ignores her mom in these cases, usually goes out and rides her bike or something. Sometimes I take her for a walk (often with the wife yelling after us "Don't think you two are going to get away so easily!") and then when we come home she is usually embarrassed and apologizes.

I think the basic cause in her case was having a child, which for her has been an emotional stress that puts her over the top, and it changed her hormonally; she never had a regular cycle before, now she has the cycle from hell. She was the youngest child in her family, never had to take care of any kids, and this is an alien situation for her. I do most of the basic childcare stuff, she was too scared and panicky to do anything physical with our daughter when she was a baby; I bathed her, dressed her, changed her most of the time. I do all of the cooking, most of the cleaning. I have a great relationship with our daughter, while her relationship is off and on, with a lot of yelling on both sides. When it's good however, it's very good. She's a very wise, understanding, affectionate, thoughtful, loving person . . . . except when she's crazy

I don't have any solution, unfortunately. When there's a small child involved, everthing is infinitely more complicated . . . .

dlish

i guess with raveneye comments, maybe post-natal depression maybe something to look at as well, although someone did mention hormonal changes up there somewhere too. good luck DJ_Happy..we're all behind ya

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