DJ Happy

Thanks to everyone who replied.

I would love for her to go to anger management courses, but the problem is that she doesn't think there is anything wrong with what she does. She thinks this a normal reaction to stress. So I'm afraid that by suggesting it she would just get angry again.

To answer your other questions:

- has she always been like this?

No. She has always been easily frustrated and she puts herself under unnecessary pressure (to keep a clean house - although we have a maid - and to make good dinners for the family and so on, although I have told her that I have never been concerned about any of that - I get enough just from coming home to her and the fat little kid), but the screaming has definitely got worse over the last 4 months or so.

- are we getting the whole story? i mean theres always two sides, have u set her off because uve done something wrong?

I am trying to give you as untainted an account as I can. I'm not perfect and have apologised when I have behaved unreasonably. She admits herself that she gets easily stressed and that this is just her way of venting, but I hate bearing the brunt of her vent. I'm her husband and while I would do anything to try and reassure, comfort and console her, I will not accept being her proverbial punching bag. Last night again after she had calmed down she said that she was just finding the whole procedure (moving, buying a car) very stressful. She always calms down after a while, but until then it's hell.

Last year when I was working in Saudi Arabia, just after the attacks on Westerners, she left the country with our daughter and went and stayed with her sister in Ireland. After a couple of weeks they had a screaming match and her sister asked her to leave her house. So she went to stay with my father in Atlanta and the same thing happened (although my father never screamed back at her - he just isn't like that). My father was very worried after she left and went to a psychologist to describe her behaviour and see if she could offer any advice. The psychologist, while saying that she could not make a definitive diagnosis without having met my wife, said that it sounded as though she had control issues and set herself no limits.

My mother has said the same thing about her (my parents are divorced) - that she seems to get angry very quickly without any warning. Her own mother has said that she has a tendency to get very angry, but that she doesn't mean what she says in her outbursts (my wife doesn't know about any of this).

- do you scream back at her?

Never to begin with. I used to when it first started, but only after a she had been screaming at me for 10 minutes or so as it was the only way I could get her to listen to me. If I just tried to talk to her she'd just scream louder. I haven't screamed at her in about a year now and when she starts screaming I ask her to please stop and if she doesn't, I walk away. This just makes her more angry though. She says when I do that it's like me saying that I'm above her and that I don't deem her worthy of listening to. When she's screaming though, there is nothing worth listening to. It's just a stream of insults and abuse that does nothing towards working through the problem.

- is she insecure about her looks, personality etc?

Her looks, yes. Since she's had the baby she says that she's fat, although she jokes about it a lot. I have never said anything to her about it though (she's not that much different to when I first met her anyway) and often tell her she's gorgeous. When I tell her this though, she doesn't believe me. I guess I could tell her more though.

- does she work, or is she a sit at home mum? (boredom frustration etc)

She's a housewife. She worked earlier after the baby was born, but stopped it because she said it took up too much of her time and she wanted to be with the baby more. Now she's involved in a fair few activities and is doing a course to get certification to become a ballet teacher (she does this when our daughter is at school) as well as other social activities. She is certainly not bored - if anything, I think she tries to take on too much.


I'd love if we could start with a clean slate. I've suggested before that we have a 'trigger word' that we use when either of us becomes too stressed and are at breaking point. She agreed, but has never used it. I asked her to please not shout at me and just talk to me and explain she is stressed as then I can try to help. She agreed, but she's never done it.