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I've got something for you to try. I wouldn't say that this technique is 100% guaranteed, but it seems to me like it might work well in this situation. You can't change her, as you've probably noticed, but you can develop new communication skills that make things easier for both of you.
When she's throwing a fit like this, she's about five years old, right? What does a five-year-old do when it feels like nobody's listening to it? It repeats itself over and over and over again, right? What does a five-year-old do when people disagree or resist what it says? It gets louder and louder until it's screaming, right? Until it's throwing a full-blown tantrum.
Next time she starts getting out of control, here's what you do: make sure she knows you're listening to her. Repeat back to her what she's saying--without any defensiveness or resistance or judgement or disagreement. In a calm, clear voice say, for instance, "So you feel like I only care about myself, that my work colleagues are more important to me, and that I'm never on your side. I got it." Then shut up and let that sit. You watch, she'll start to settle down almost immediately.
Notice that you're not agreeing with her, here. You're not sympathizing or understanding either. You're just getting what she's saying.
They key thing is to bring absolutely no resistance to the interaction. You'll naturally want to defend yourself or argue with her or, god help us, fix it or make it better for her. Don't let yourself do that. Resistance makes people's concerns get bigger and louder. No-Resistance makes people's concerns disappear. Think of it this way: whatever she says is valid, and she has a good reason for saying it and for being how she's being when she says it. It may not make sense to anyone else in the world, but for her, it's valid.
Whether this technique can turn into a long-term approach to this situation, I don't know. I think it might be able to. I hope at least it can serve to defuse a few of the instances where it's hardest.
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