Jimellow

I've been friends with a girl I know for a few years now. Initially, I think I wanted to date her, but we fell into friendship, and as a result I was more "into" her than she was me. I would always be the one calling, attempting to initiate contact, and also was generally getting snubbed or replies that were insignificant and lacking in content/quality. Despite this, I continued to chase, and ultimately was put into a few situations where I felt very used and thrown aside afterwards.

We have not talked much recently, but on the Fourth I replied to what I later suspected was a mass texting (to all her contacts) saying "Hi," and suggesting a potential meeting to catch up and talk. Once more, the reply was minimal, almost non-existent. In response, I basically sent her a Text message via cell (no voice mail, and not online) essentially saying "I hope you had an enjoyable 4th, and have a nice summer." The indication was clear that I intended attempts at further conversation to be over, because I was tired of chasing after something I didn't even want anymore.

The interesting thing here (and the meat of this post), is that now she is the one contacting me.. She wants my address so she can invite me to a graduation party she is having, and has been persistent with requesting it. Today she sent me a TXT saying she passed her last test, is done with school, and misses me.

The requests for my address were made over AIM and I was not around at the time, but I would not have replied anyway, as I am very suspicious she is just leading me on for future use later. I have been making a conscious effort to neglect her communication attempts lately, and in a result that is totally blowing my mind, these efforts have increased her attempts at communication/caring, whereas previously my response would have resulted in her being minimal to non-existent in her replies!

Based on my history with this girl and our communication trends, I am very confident that neglecting her attempts at communication have resulted in her trying to contact me more, and this intrigues me greatly.

What is going on here? Is it a game? Is she fearful that a total loss of contact will result in her not having me available for filling a role that may arise in the future?

Unfortunately, I doubt it is about maintaining friendship, because if it is, the means of indicating interest are totally out of whack to me. Ignoring my attempts at communication and only showing interest when I ignore her/you seems like a very convoluted way of maintaining a "friendship."

EDIT: As a brief aside and justification for why I've been so determined to stay in contact with this girl. When we were close and hanging out, I felt that there was something very special about her, and thus I was/am reluctant to just fall out of contact like I may with other acquaintances that I am not as close to. There was a time when I was quite gaga over her, and while that feeling has faded, I think I still am distantly reluctant to let go.

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ngdawg

While I can understand the hesitation to reply, I have to ask-is your disregard for answering a social study to see how she progresses or just because you don't know how to respond?
Asking an honest question would not be out of line, ie; ' how come you're writing after X amount of silence?' Nor would an honest answer to any of her questions be out of line, ie; 'sorry if I haven't replied. I wasn't sure, given our history, how to proceed.'
Personally, regardless of history, I just treat everyone as a friend and proceed from there. If they're looking for more, it's easy enough to steer them in another direction with a 'sorry, I don't see us that way' and let them do whatever they have to. If they really are friends and not acting with ulterior motives, you'll know pretty quickly.
Either way, ignoring, even with a less than stellar past, is rude-treat others as you would expect to be and you'll find your answer.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Jimellow

I agree, although I figured after being ignored for 2 years, I was justified in ignoring her attempts at communication over a week span, if only as a means to see what the results would be. And they have been quite perplexing.

To answer the question you posed, I would say my lack of response is intended to be both a social study and also a result of how I can respond in a way that expresses the uncertainty regarding her lack of replies and where we stand as friends, given the means provided: text messaging. If oral communication was a reality, then I think I definitely would be more inclined to discuss the situation, however, she has not answered her phone, and does not have voicemail, so that leaves text messaging as the only means for communication, which is extremely limiting and very lacking for anything but the most trivial issues.

I am very proficient at, and truly enjoy, talking in person, but if the means for discussion are crippled to the level of texting between phones, it's very hard for me to see any progress being made.

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

TexanAvenger

I second the question dawg asked here. Having been in a situation seemingly much like this, I'll admit that I was actually tempted to just see where her attentions would lead if given long enough by herself. Not as a matter of spite, mind you; it was more one of intrigue and curiousity.

However, though you've had little to no real communication for a while, you start off your post by stating that you and she have been friends for a few years... stated in the present tense. If you feel that you are, though strained, friends, give her a call. It's rude to just outright ignore somebody, and you might find that their disappointment after so long of wanting to communicate with you so much may turn to more aggressive and angry feelings toward you.

You seem worried about being "used" again if you start talking to this girl. Just don't allow that to happen. If you're going to talk to her and persue a romantic relationship, put it up front if it bothers you as much as it seems to. If you're going to call her and just keep it friendly, that's great too. Some of my best friendships are with women whom I either was or am attracted to, but can keep it just friendly in spite of that. It's even fine to call her and decide not to stay close. But don't just leave her hanging.

Ample

I have had a somewhat similar situation with someone, and am very curious how this works out for you.

Please keep us update on how this unfolds.

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TexanAvenger

I've yet to see spiteful justification in a relationship ever result in anything but hurt on at least one side. Perplexing results aside, picking apart, and possibly hurting, somebody you consider(ed) your friend doesn't seem particularly... nice.

Carno

Well, do you still like this girl and want to pursue a relationship, or do you just want to be friends? If you want to date her, I would not ask confrontational questions like, "how come you're writing after X amount of silence?" That's too standoffish and she will feel put on the spot.

As far as your inital situation, she probably was not interested in you because she might have been bored. Not that you are boring, but there was no chase or excitement involved. She knew she could have you any time she wanted, and she lost any interest she might have had.

Now that you're not smothering her with attention, she's probably thinking, "Damn, he's not been calling me lately... I wonder why." And her interest may be piqued a little bit. Either that or she's just being polite and inviting you to her party.

Anyways, if you want to date her, you can't start smothering her with attention again. Make her work for it. Don't always be there 24/7 or she will quickly lose interest again.

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ngdawg

Unless you're over an hour apart, it would be a very simple thing to meet over lunch, saying you're more comfortable face to face than texting.
"He who hesitates is lost" is very appropo....you have an opportunity to take the lead, start over, gain a new friendship, etc. Had I acted because of history instead of just wanting to see where it goes, I would not have reconnected with a highschool classmate-someone 30 years later I now consider a friend. It's harder than it sounds, but if we put the hurts aside and look at things with new eyes, we gain more than we imagine.

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Jimellow

Thanks for all the quality replies.

Realistically, I don't think I am interested in a relationship with her at this point. Regarding friendship, I am not sure.. I think ultimately what I desire is some closure (good or bad), and the history of communication between has has provided anything but that.

Furthermore, if I have existed in her life strictly as someone to call when life goes bad, only to be thrown aside afterward, then I can't really say I desire "friendship" either, seeing that friendship is about so much more than that to me.

Perhaps by ignoring her currently, I am subconsciously leading myself towards a negative type of closure.

I have suggested lunch twice, and there were no real follow-ups on it. I have suggested hanging out, going for a drive, whatever, as a means for catching up and talking, and instead was left with either no response or a response that was not related to the topic I suggested.

And yet, as soon as I don't eagerly reply to any message from her, and instead TXT her telling her I hope she had an enjoyable Fourth and has a nice summer (indicating at least partial closure), while also not responding to two of her attempts at getting a reply (address request for a party invite) via online messaging, she is suddenly, and actively, interested in communication.

And to justify the ignoring of her requests.. She sent me two IMs, and I was legitimately idle at the time. When I got back, she was no longer on, but despite this in my mind I consider this to be ignoring her, as I tend to rarely ignore people, and follow-up with them shortly after I miss their attempts at correspondance.

When I texted her in regards to having a nice summer, she replied later that she had been tired and is having a party next month and we can catch up there. Today, she texted me saying she was done school and that she misses me.

I am intrigued by the fact that a pursuit of "catching up" is only issued when I send out a message that has an undertone of closure, in that I imply communication is likely over, at least through summer (thus, the "I hope you have an enjoyable summer" bit).

I don't know.. I am not an asshole that ignores females in the hopes of playing games with their mind. Over the last two years our relationship has been on distant, and only reasonably close, terms as a result of my generally unanswered attempts at communication, and at this point I think I desire closure more than anything.

To provide a specific example in regards to one of the ways I feel like I was used, I will briefly recount an experience involving the loss of a close family member.. Her father died, and she contacted me requesting I stand with her while she read her eulogy. She was in a relationship at the time, but her boyfriend wasn't making the trip as a result of having studying to do, and a heavy work load for class. I attended the funeral service with her, and it meant a lot to both of us.

To me, it meant a lot to even be asked, and I was honored to be there with her. Likewise, I am confident me being there meant a lot to her.

However, after the gathering at her house, we parted ways, loosely made plans to stay in touch after things had settled down, and that was it. There was no communication or follow-up from her, and that left me feeling reluctantly like I had been used to fill a role, and was thrown aside after my servives had been provided.

If that is the case, I am fine with it in this instance. Despite the lack in follow-up, I know the experience meant a lot to both of us, but beyond that I am very skeptical about the total lack of communication on her end.

When coupled with my indication that communication may be over through summer, and the resulting sudden increase in communication from her end, it makes me very suspicious of what her motives are.

I'd like closure, and I am not really content with the means by which I am able to get it. TXT messaging is a mediocre way to discuss anything beyond the most basic social forms, her phone has not been answered, lacks voice mail, and when my request at catching up is finally acknowledged, it's to be done at a party, and not over lunch or somewhere more personal and open to meaningful discussions?

In my honest opinion, I consider myself to be quite forgiving in this friendship, and if I didn't feel that at some point there was something special between us, I would not be as persistent as I have been in finding out what's going on. Unfortunately, even that is difficult, due to the extremely limited means of communication that are open to me.

As it stands, my last message to her indicated my wishes that she had a nice Fourth of July, and has an enjoyable summer. For me, that is some means of closure, and while I am not necessarily content to ignore her sudden attempts at communicating with me, I also am not eager to jump back into an acquaintance that will have me only summoned when she needs something at a vital moment in her life.

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

Carno

I'd let it go. She doesn't want to put any effort into the friendship, so no sense in wasting any effort on trying to be friends with her.

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Toaster126

There are two kinds of people; givers, and takers. She is a taker. I wouldn't advise anyone to be in a relationship of any kind with a taker.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Jimellow

That's a very nice quote. I like it, and think I will write it down, minus the "She is.." part, so it has a more general application.

She just texted me again, this time requesting my address so she can send out a party invitation.. The last two times were over AIM.

I don't intend to go to the party, nor do I intend to totally blow her off and ignore her request.

I'd appreciate some advice regarding going about this.. I am tempted to give her my address, but also add that I find it unlikely I will be attending the party, as it would not be the type of gathering I was hoping to use as a means for "catching up."

If I go to the party, it is likely going to result in more of the same, and I'd prefer not drawing this situation out longer than it already has been.

I'd prefer not to piss her off, but I'd also prefer to close this out and move on; especially considering that I am at a stage in life where I am ready to move on with my life, and as a result, would like to tie up loose ends, instead of creating new, or extending the length of current, ones.

But please, if you have any recommendations regarding the means by which I should go about this, I'd greatly appreciate it. I would prefer a call, but since she doesn't answer and does not call herself, my reply is likely going to be via text messaging, unfortunately.

Also, if you have conflicting advice, I'd love to hear it, though I honestly am pretty set in believing that attending her party is not going to improve the situation, but instead drag things out further.

EDIT: I just thought of the possiblity that I give her my address, and then write her a letter, explaining why I won't be attending the party, while also adding my thoughts on a lack of communication and how I think it ultimately resulted in a friendship that became too distanced to the point where now, I feel it is stretched too thin. I then would go on to congratulate her for graduating and wishing her luck in life. Then, the end. Closure, we all move on our own seperate ways.

Writing is easily my strongest means by which to communicate, and it would be a fitting way to reply to an invitation to a party I won't be attending. It also would be much more meaningful and valid than a text message sent via cell phone.

Or I could just send indication via cell phone text message, saying a party was not the means by which I was hoping to catch up.. But that still has the potential of creating a lingering feeling, and thus, no closure.

Thoughts?

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

Carno

Well, it would be impolite not to give her your address. You don't have to go, just tell her that you unfortunately already had some plans that couldn't be broken.

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ngdawg

I remember that last post about standing at her father's eulogy then getting 'cut off'.
I don't know the timelines here, but would benefit of the doubt be that she had a lot to get over and was otherwise preoccupied with it all? Her father died, she's trying to go to school, etc.
She might very well be a taker, but perhaps she's not taking from you because she feels you're weak but because she knows you're strong?
There's no harm in writing her, giving your address. Should she actually send an invitation, you could decline it then. But there's a lot of conjecture and what if's and 'she did this and that' and not once has there been any mention made of anything resembling talking. My own suggestion would be a message or note stating your decision to decline or accept the invite would be contigent on you two actually TALKING first and clearing the air. You have nothing to lose by doing so. If she puts that off as well, then you have your answer as to how important a friendship with you is and can move on accordingly.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Washington

I like ngdawgs suggestion. Tell her you need to talk in person or on the phone.

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there is no absolute, only the moment.

genuinegirly

Sounds like she's not willing to meet your terms: a real opportunity to communicate. parties are not the best place to communicate, particularly when she's the host.

Make it clear that you want a private lunch where you can communicate, not a party.

I never find it rude when someone is reluctant to share their address. In this case, it's possible she might use the address to stalk you. Don't give it.

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Sultana

yeah, what ngdawg and Washinton said.

Give her your address, and add, "I don't care for texting. Contact me by phone or for a face to face in the future"--phrased appropriately for you. If she is still in an all-fired hurry to talk to you, it'll be on *your* terms, if at all.

Doesn't it feel good?

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

noodle

To answer the initial question, it's called the Intimacy Dance. One person expresses interest, puts in an effort, and "leans in" towards the other person. The other, in response, "leans away" in a complementary move. In a healthy relationship of any kind, the dance flows with each person leaning in and leaning away throughout the "song". Some people can't give up the lead, though. They try and pull another person in by leaning away and when they realize the other person isn't following they reverse course and lean in more forcefully. That's why "ignoring" works.

As for how I'm interpreting your posts, it sounds as if she really feels the need to be in control of whatever type of relationship you two will have. Meeting her face-to-face in a neutral location to discuss why you're hesitant puts you on equal footing and doesn't leave as much room for misinterpretation as IM and texting does. If she chooses not to meet with you on your terms, than that is her issue. That's my two cents.

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slimshaydee

Ok first of all, don't write her a letter, and don't tell her why you're not going to the party.

Accept the invitation in a few days, telling her you were too busy to get back to her.
Don't attend.

If she has any feelings at all for you (friends or otherwise) then she will contact you asking you why you didn't attend within a few days after the party.
If she doesn't contact you, then there isn't much there.

People get used to having someone around and they take that for granted. When that person is no longer around they start to realise what they're missing, and they persue it.

Jimellow

Again, thanks for the replies..

I texted her my address and name (subtle humor, which I doubt she will appreciate), and congratulated her on graduation..

To address a few posts..

I have no problem giving her my address, and given her lack of interest, I would consider stalking me to be very unlikely. If she were to stalk me, I would likely commend her for finally showing some interest in maintaining her end of the friendship.

I've tried numerous times to initiate actual conversation, but not answering the phone and lacking voicemail makes it next to impossible. People lean on text messaging way too heavily from my experience; it's unfortunate.

Slim, while I do agree with your suggestion that people get used to having others around and take it for granted, I've already accepted that there isn't much "there" and instead am just working my way towards closure. By not replying to the invite and ignoring her from here on out, I am just opening the door wider and straying from finality.

If we were unable to maintain a solid friendship in the years prior to now, it certainly won't be a reality from here on out. We are both at branching points in life, and I'd ultimately like to move, start life somewhere else, etc, and if we can't communicate when we live in the same county, I find the potential of future correspondance to be next to non-existent. It is basically non-existent on her end already, and the future shows no indication of changing for the better. Thus, I am ultimately just seeking some closure so I can move on with life. That closure will likely be found through informing her that I won't be attending her party; at which point I will also likely wish her good luck in life, etc.

If the relationship were going to be redeemed, the time is likely passed. I am leaning very heavily towards moving on and I suspect she will not be at a loss for such a move. I understand people have busy lives, drama, and work, but a phone call can take less than five minutes. The act itself is not difficult or time consuming, and I honestly am starting to get tired of chasing after someone that isn't reciprocal.

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

Martian

I'm always interested in finding another point of view. I'm trying to see this from her perspective; it's entirely possible that you're correct in your assumption that you're being used and abused and I don't mean to say that isn't the case. But reading between the lines and with what you've given us, I see an alternative. You said she's just finished school and just completed her last test. Is it possible that when she was in school she was simply busy to the point that she didn't have time or didn't remember to call you as often? Depending on how frequently you got in touch with her, I could see that being the case; if a friend calls me once a week and I'm otherwise pre-occupied, I'm probably not going to worry too much about getting in touch with him/her; it may not be the right thing precisely to assume that the other person will always initiate conversations, but it certainly is easy when you've got a lot of other stuff on your mind.

That's just a thought, anyway. In this, as in everything, you need to take the course that you feel will be best for yourself.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

bermuDa

It sounds like you are already over the possibility of having an intimate relationship with her. If you choose to continue interacting with her on any level, let it be on your terms. There's no need to be petty or even confrontational about the way she's treated you, and unless you want to play with emotions, no need to play head-games.

As long as you have realized that an intimate relationship would do more harm than good, you should no longer be in a vulnerable position. If you enjoy her company as a friend, keep the friendship on your own terms. If you don't care to see her anymore, keep things cordial but at a distance.

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soma

My dad gave me the most profound advice he had ever given me related to this exact subject on the ride to school the other day. After he said what he said, I made him repeat it because I didn't expect to hear anything that insightful from my old man

A little background: That morning, I brought a bunch of flowers for my girl friend. I didn't have a reason to do this, it was completely random. After telling my dad that the flowers were not for any sprecial occassion, he told me that if I keep showering her with nice things and attention, she will think I'm a pushover and will lose interest in me. He told me to spend less time worrying about her needs and to spend time entertaining the needs of other friends. He talked more about it being human nature and blah blah blah. That's the gist of it.

I gave it some thought and put it to use that night. I rejected a request she had (a request I would usually have followed through with) that night and that resulted in her vying for my attention. But then I gave her my attention, and she stopped fighting for my attention. I hate knowing that it really is a game, but ... it can work.

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little_tippler

With regards to the initial question, I agree with Fredweena's take on the situation. There are all sorts of clichés for this:

less is more
distance makes the heart grow fonder

What seems to be happening in essence, is that you liked her so "leaned" in a bit too much for her taste and she was put off. So she backed away from you a bit. After a while of this back and forth, you got tired of her disinterest. Then she was "free" of you for a time. And maybe she did like you and would think about you sometimes after that. Now she wonders why you backed away. So when there is new contact, she shows some interest. I think she probably likes herself a fair amount and doesn't get why your attention waned, and subconsciously maybe she doesn't want to not have that attention. So when you cool off and don't reply or don't show much interest, she tries again. This is very common when people don't quite know what they want, but know they like to have lots of attention.

I also agree with Toaster. She is probably more of a taker than a giver. Either she will learn through life that she can't always have what she wants, or she will always be this way and personally, I think this kind of person can suck the life and energy out of you so fast it's really not something you should want for yourself. People like that need someone who is able to take over from them and be firm and no offense, but it doesn't sound like you're that person.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Jimellow

She is a self proclaimed princess and openly "brags" about being high maintenance, so I don't think this mindset is necessarily subconscious at all. I have a strong suspicion that Paris Hilton is someone she looks up to, perhaps even idolizes to an extent.

No offense taken at all. I would agree strongly that she is a taker, and such a relationship is pretty much full circle opposite of anything I desire, even on a frienship level. Frienships to me take work and are mutual endeavors, and thus I have no desire to waste time with people that expect everything done for them without reciprocation.

To update the sitation.. I received the invite in the mail today.. I can't attend the party due to a conflict with work, so that works out nicely.

I am still debating whether to write a short letter saying I can't make it and congratulate her, or a longer one explaining things and how they've faded between us, etc. I think I ultimately will write a short letter and just not make any efforts at contacting her anymore, as that will ideally end in a seperation that will stretch further and further as we go our own ways in life. I certainly want to write the letter (over a phone call), as that will tie up ends on my end of the situation, but other than that I am likely going to avoid a lengthy letter that will likely lead to more obscurity about where things stand.

Up until now I have desired some sort of closure on the situation, but recently I'm content telling her I can't make the party due to a time conflict and wishing her well in life.

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

Sultana

I have to say that ends are pretty much already tied up on your end of the situation, just let it go. An explanitory letter can undo all the image you've built up. You don't have to explain yourself, and a confident person wouldn't.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

bermuDa

The short answer is all that is required; a long, detailed explanation does you no good, and probably won't get you any closure, either.

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Toaster126

It's not a game. It's following hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. It's serious buisness.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

cj2112

I'd just send her a card, with a brief note saying that you won't be able to make the party, and congratulating her on the accomplishment. I wouldn't say anything further, or go into anything at all about your friendship. You two are on two different paths, neither path is necessarily the wrong path, they're just going two different places.

little_tippler

Well, that says a lot...

I think if you feel you must, just write her the short letter. A card, perhaps, like cj2112 suggests.

Otherwise, I'd just let it go. Hopefully this time she'll finally let it go also.

What you say about wanting closure is normal...and it's also normal that now that things aren't as sharp and painful in your mind, that you now feel able to just let it go. She is no longer as important in your life and you've realised that life goes on without her, and that perhaps she wasn't right for you, as a lover or a friend. I have had similar experiences, and even though these people (who would consume your every thought but that in reality were sucking all the energy from you for themselves) never entirely fade away from your memory, you'll soon find that they were a mere glitch in the bigger picture of your life, and that you may even have learned something from the situation.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

doncalypso

Jimellow, that girl is just a user so don't bother contacting her back.

The only reason why she's texting you and IM-ing you is because you bruised her ego by not begging at her feet like all other guys have done so far (I guess). I take it she's a very good-looking girl who's used to having men chase after her all the time.

It's not that neglecting her has made her interest level in you rise up, my friend... She just is too wounded by the fact that you're not chasing like all the other horny hounds out there so she wants to get you coming at her in order to satisfy her ego and self-esteem.

If you wanna really rub it in her face tell her that you'd love to make it to her party but you had prior engagements with your new girlfriend and that you sincerely regret not being able to make it (and of course you don't give her a name or any details whatsoever because it's none of her business).

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Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Jimellow

I am going to reply here and post an update, as I feel it is justified, given the fact that I've kept this thread updated throughout.

I ended up sending her a card on Monday, saying I can't make the party due to a prior engagement, and that I wished her luck in her post-graduate future.

Earlier tonight she texted me saying, "I got your card. Sorry you can't make it! We have to go for a ride some time after I get my new car!"

Of note.. I am big on going for drives, oten with a female friend. In a way it has become one of my trademarks, as I find it provides a great opportunity to talk and be open with one another, especially on a beautiful night. The two of us have gone for drives in the past, so her suggestion is fitting.

At this point, I am not really sure where we stand.. I've felt that my last two responses have had an aura of closure, and both times her response has nullified the attempts by suggesting doing something in the future..

I likely am being overly cynical, but I still have this faint undertone that I am ultimately being put on the shelf, and thus being denied closure. That may be a totally unjustified reaction on my part, but I find it too coincidental to have her showing interest only when closure and moving on is suggested, but never any time other than that.

Realistically, I don't think about her much anymore, and even the portion written previously is a result of this thread, and not really my genuine thoughts. It's more of a nagging feeling that occasionally makes me wonder exactly where we do stand, and whether I am totally misconstruing her responses and lack of communication.

Right now, I'm at a point where in the not too distant future, I intend to literally move on (and away) and while it's tempting to bring that up and tell her, it's also likely the means by which to start up further interest, communication, and also uncertainty.

As usual, there are options.. Namely, ignoring the text message, or responding, making plans for a drive, and going on one.

The obvious answer for anyone I know is the latter, but in this case, taking the second option could open up a can of worms, when I ultimately intend to tighten the lid on the can and instead put it away, maybe even hide it.

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Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

spindles

I don't think her last message needs a reply from you. If she *really* is interested in going driving, she can suggest a time to do it. Otherwise, it is a vague "lets do something in the future". Even with friends I actually keep in contact, that kind of message is the same as saying "hi" (You know "we should do lunch sometime").

I'd suggest ignoring it and see if she comes back with a hard date (e.g. do you want to go driving Saturday?)

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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?