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07-19-2003, 07:38 AM
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#125 (permalink) | |
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Junkie
Location: In the middle of the desert.
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Quote:
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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes. |
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07-21-2003, 11:43 AM
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#130 (permalink) |
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Tilted off balance...
Location: the last place you'd look
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THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
1.His first name was Jesus. 2.He was always in trouble with the law. 3.His mother did not know who his father was. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH 1.He went into his father business. 2.He lived at home until the age 33. 3.He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure was God. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH 1.He never got married. 2.He never held a steady job. 3.His last request was a drink. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN 1.He talked with his hands. 2.He had wine with every meal. 3.He worked in the building trades. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK 1.He called everybody 'brother'. 2.He had no permanent address. 3.Nobody would hire him. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN 1.He never cut his hair. 2.He walked around barefoot. 3.He invented a new religion. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS FRENCH 1.He never changed his clothes. 2.He only washed his feet. 3.He didn't speak any English. |
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07-21-2003, 11:45 AM
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#131 (permalink) |
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Tilted off balance...
Location: the last place you'd look
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One day in heaven, St. Peter was guarding the gates of heaven where he waited for all the souls to come. There he would look at the book of life and decide whether the soul is going in or not. Well, one day he feels he is tired, he sees Jesus walking by and he calls him.
-Hey Jesus, can you do me a favor? -Sure what do you want? -I need to go to the bathroom to take a piss, can you guard the gate for a couple of minutes? - Sure, I'll be glad to! So Peter goes "to the bathroom" but ends up getting drunk at a bar and he forgets he has to go back to the gate. Meanwhile, Jesus is waiting for Peter to come back and 15 minutes passes, 30, 2 hours, and so on. But since Jesus is such a benevolent man he patiently waits. Later Jesus spots an old man walking towards him. The old man gets to the gate and tells Jesus, "Hi, I've been walking towards this place for about an hour. I guess this is heaven, can I come in?" Jesus doesn't know what he has to do so he tells the old man to wait because he thinks Peter will be back any minute. There they are, staring at each other with nothing to say. Jesus breaks the ice and asks, "So, tell me a little about yourself." The old man replies," "Well I was a poor woodworker who lived in a fishing village by the sea. I'm no big deal, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I was so sad when he was gone. I would give anything to see him one more time." Jesus looks at the man and says "Really, why?" The old man lights up as he speaks "There never has been nor will there ever be another like him. He always tried to do the right thing, and everyone was amazed by the things that he did. Many books have been written about him and almost everyone in the world knows about him, he loved little kids and always encouraged everyone to do the right thing." Jesus begins to think and he asks him, "Anything peculiar about him?" The old man answers "Well, his birth was a unique and magical event, and he had holes in his hands and feet. With his heart full of joy Jesus looks at the man and says: "Father!" The old man looks at Jesus with tears in his eyes and says: "PINOCCHIO!!!" |
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07-24-2003, 09:33 AM
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#142 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Milwaukee
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What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One of them has <b><i>walked</b></I> on the <b><i>moon</B></i>... wait for it... wait for it.... And the other one likes to fuck little boys. Thank you! Good night! Try the veal!
__________________
Don't blame me... *I* voted for Kodos! |
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07-28-2003, 04:17 AM
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#146 (permalink) |
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Addict
Location: Brook Cottage, Lanark, Scotland
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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." Dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says : "Pint please, and one for the road." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
__________________
Where your talents and the needs of the world cross . . there lies your vocation. |
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07-28-2003, 04:32 PM
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#147 (permalink) |
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Amplitude Modulator
Location: US
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... Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead! Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for Winter."
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I never said you had to. |
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07-31-2003, 11:05 PM
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#152 (permalink) |
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Eccentric insomniac
Location: North Carolina
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Q) So why do so many women love Jesus?
A) Because he is hung like this (hold your arms out).
__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence |
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| Tags |
| liners, qanda |
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