One Liners :)
 

Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?

erotic you use a feather, kinky you use the whole chicken.

throw us ya best one liners. :)

What's the difference between a light and a hard?
A man can sleep with a light on.

I was about to make another thread but figured I'd just reply to this one instead :)

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (Eight something)

Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

I love one liners, but I can't think of any of my own right now.

Q: Definition of a 68er?
A: You blow me and I will owe you 1

Yeah, that would be useful. Wish they made something like that!

Post your favorite Q and A jokes here
 

Where do I start?

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

My one liners inadvertantly violated forum rules, and have been subsquently removed.

Good, Very good

If bread falls butter-side down and cats land on their feet.
If you strapped toast to a cats back, which way would it land?

(don't get mad at me for these, they're just jokes)

How are men like public toilets?
All the good ones are taken and the rest are full of shit.

What are the most common last words for a redneck?
"Hey yall, watch this!"

How do you hide money from a hippie?
Put it under a bar of soap or a job application.

How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
DUDE! the light burned out? damn... *pause* wait, what were we talking about?

Q: Where's the rest room?
A: Enter at your own risk.

Women...
 

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's
mouth?

A: Einstein's penis.

hope this doesn't offend anyone

Oooh that's harsh dude. Gotta remember that.

I'm sure it will offend someone... Funny joke though

You've unleashed the demons!

Ouch! I know some women that would kick your ass for a joke like that, I'd watch where you repeat it. >_<

Ouch! I'd watch my back if I were you...

One Liner
 

Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the shower? The shampoo directions said "Wash, rinse, repeat."

One liners thread!!!
 

Unleash the mouldy grandpa jokes within!!! I'll start:

Q: How did Nancy know Ronald Reagan had Alzheimer's disease??

A: When she sent him to the video store for "Scent of a Woman", he brought back "A Fish called Wanda".


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Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

A: His wife died.

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Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex sex makes your hole weak.

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Q: Where do your cousins come from ?

A: Ant Holes.....

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Q: Who makes more money? A drug dealer or a prostitute?

A: The prostitute. She can clean the crack and sell it again.

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Q: Whats the diference between meat and fish?

A: If you beat your fish it'll die!!

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Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

A: Pick it up and give it a blow job.

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Q: Why did God put men on earth?

A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

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Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

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Q: What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wakeup?

A: Vomit.

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Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls?

A: Because so very few of them can dance.

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Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex?

A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.



/ and before anyone accuses me of stealing these from a web-page... I did! Mine!

My favorite was the one about anal and oral! Good set.

The acne one was sick.

But still great

short Pinocchio joke
 

You know how Pinocchio found out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

Your best one liners...
 

What is/are your best one liner(s)?

3 Irish men sitting on the floor, one fell off.

One liners... Some new most not.....
 

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

3. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
"How's that?"
"Now don't YOU start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'. That was so nice."

Very nice, gotta love the one liners.

lol

ha ha!

The later ones i'd heard, but the early ones.... great!

Some more...........


Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

It must be my sense of humor, but #14 just killed me. A fish without eyes... that cracks me up.

It was #12 for me. It was great cause I didn't expect the reply.

I chuckled at a few, didn't get a couple, adn groaned at the rest.

Nice list none the less.

.


Also.... "What do you call bears without ears......... B.


Oh and a personal favourite: What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Damn

Ok...I must be warped because #14 got to me too!!!

3. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

LOL

yeah... #3 for me... thats great... someone really thinking there ;-) funny!!

#15 got me cracking up

i wonder how many of these are Mr. Wrights work..

#16 was my fav, i'll have to remember that one

Those were wonderful, but I don't get 13. I don't even pretend to understand cricket.

Here's one of mine:
I bought a car with a stained glass windshield. It belonged to a little old lady who only drove it to church on Sundays.

It has a V-8 engine. Doesn't ever need gas, but every 500 miles, I need to stop at a produce stand and juice up.

No 3 did it for me