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05-29-2003, 06:04 AM
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#41 (permalink) |
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Tilted
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The difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I couldn't care less... Halitosis is better than no breath at all. The only reason I would take up exercising is so I could hear heavy breathing again. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself....unless, of course, I want to stay employed. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy. Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush. I feel much better, now that I’ve given up hope. All I want is a warm bed and a kind word, and unlimited power. I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. We've been through so much together -- and most of it was your fault. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. What scares me is that it was a Barry Manilow song. Some see things that are and ask why. Some dream of things that aren't and ask why not. Some people don't have time for all that crap. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. |
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05-29-2003, 09:37 AM
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#43 (permalink) | |
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Upright
Location: Canada
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Quote:
Q. Did you hear about the new birth-control pill for men? A. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
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"Doors aren't like assholes! They don't shut themselves!" |
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05-31-2003, 09:15 PM
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#50 (permalink) |
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Casual... Real Casual
Location: Orstraylia
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" I really miss my Granpa. He was so wise.... I remember him tellin' me once: Son, if you marry, marry a woman with small hands..... Yup, she has to have small hands.....
It makes yer dick look bigger.... Gee I miss him"
__________________
"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking.
Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but your older, shorter of breath, and one day closer to death" ...pink floyd |
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06-12-2003, 05:42 PM
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#56 (permalink) |
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Upright
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Please don't hate me...
What did the Italian say when his cheese factory exploded?
Gouda grief-a! *runs*
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Sorry, I can only exorcise clam spirits. EbichuMAAN! From the dark end of the dark has been chosen for disipline, from the moon to the stars, no one knows what a justice and earnest shopkeeper then today, the justice maker in tonight by the way, they call it: Ebichuman. |
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06-12-2003, 08:19 PM
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#59 (permalink) | |
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Junkie
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Re: One Liner
Quote:
 Ok, here's something, dunno if it could be considered a one-liner. Technically it can, but it sort of can't. Good to be a man Reasons it's good to be a man Movie nudity is virtually always female. You know stuff about tanks. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter. You can open all your own jars. When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. The National College Cheer leading Championship. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest. You can be President. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. The world is your urinal. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. Same work... more pay. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. You don't cry off others' desserts. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. There is always a game on somewhere. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?' Baywatch. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. All your orgasms are real. ---------------------------------------------------- Granted some of those are offensive, but most of it is just humor so take it with a grain of salt.
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The most important thing in this world is love. |
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06-16-2003, 06:35 PM
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#64 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: Philly
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Good to be a man has me laughing my arse off
I liked " you think the idea of punting a small cat is funny" Of course I have a sick mind (like most men)
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For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, ...breathlessly. -Carlos Castaneda |
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06-17-2003, 10:12 PM
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#67 (permalink) |
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And we'll all float on ok...
Location: Iowa City
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Why did Timmy fall off his bike?
Because he was a fish.
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For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. --Charles Bukowski |
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06-18-2003, 12:21 AM
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#68 (permalink) | |
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I run E.
Location: New York
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Re: Please don't hate me...
Quote:
*************************************************** Q. What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say? A. Aaaarrrr, 'tis driving me nuts.
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I hold with those that favor fire. Last edited by eyeronic; 06-18-2003 at 12:24 AM.. |
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06-18-2003, 10:56 AM
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#69 (permalink) | |
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Essen meine kurze Hosen
Location: NY Burbs
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Quote:
That's a 69 with 2 fingers up the ass.
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Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net. |
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06-18-2003, 11:14 AM
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#70 (permalink) |
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Essen meine kurze Hosen
Location: NY Burbs
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Did you know 78% of all women are battered?
And here I've been eating all the plain ones! ----- Why dont you fuck a hooker in the morning? Ever try opening a cold grilled cheese sandwhich? ----- A guy goes into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap shorts. The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net. |
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06-21-2003, 07:52 PM
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#72 (permalink) |
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Optimistic Skeptic
Location: Midway between a Beehive and Centennial
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What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.
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IS THAT IT ???!!! Do you even know what 'it' is? When the last man dies for just words that he said... We Shall Be Free |
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06-23-2003, 11:31 PM
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#75 (permalink) |
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Upright
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Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhoea Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too Q. How can you tell a macho woman? A. She rolls her own tampons. Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms? A. Better traction in the mud. Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister. Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson? A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old. Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry it. Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving. Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour. Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. How is pubic hair like parsley? A. You push it to the side before you start eating. Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow. Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A. They don't want to wear out the camel. Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand... Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it. Q. What Do You Call Kids Born In Whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts |
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06-30-2003, 09:17 PM
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#79 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: TX, USA
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Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
I hope that life isn't just one big joke, because I don't get it. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s a scenic route... Chicken Little was right. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Two wrongs are only the beginning. When life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own. Stupid? I don't know the meaning of the word! To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it? I had to dump her before she got old enough to figure out what an asshole I am. Current death rate: One per person. For Sale: One parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. There's an exception to every rule, except this one. You mean gullible isn't in the dictionary? Stick to your talent and the cows will be well tended. ------------------------------------------- AAAAagh... I'm spent... 'till next time.
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If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill |
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| liners, qanda |
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but think really hard, it will come to you i promise.
