bjambjam

Q: What do you call a midgit fortuneteller who just escaped from prison?
A: A Small Medium at Large

bjambjam

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"Be the change you want to see in the world"

abccrazy123

Q: What is brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Mantus

When I see a woman with a tatoo I think to myself, "there is a girl who can make dicisons she will regret for the rest of her life!"

Kaimi

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

echo5delta

How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?

Stick two fingers in his hunny.

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"Peace" is when nobody's shooting. A "Just Peace" is when we get what we want. - Bill Mauldin

KellyC

Q: How do you know a joke's punch line is bad?


A: When you get a black eye from it.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

RetroGunslinger

Q: What happens when you fuck a magician?
A: It disappears.

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It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.

M.B. Keene

monokrome

I was chillin' in the local waffle house one day, and was rather bothered about losing my job. Discussion that subject, I spewed out this hilariously offensive phrase...

"Life's kind of a downer. It's like one day you're superman; next thing ya know you're in a wheelchair."

At least a dozen heads turned angrily. We laughed hysterically, of course.

Spiritinthesky

During their recent divorce case, the judge mentioned that Heather Mills was unstable.

Sir Paul McCartney told the court that a beer mat under the left leg usually did the trick.

Spiritinthesky

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Angelkiss

A few favorite one-liners and one full joke:

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, do the other trees make fun of it?

A blonde had dyed her hair brown because she was tired of all the blonde jokes she got. One day she was driving down a country road when she came upon a sheep-herder guiding his flock across the road. She stopped the car and got out to speak to the sheep-herder while she waited for them to pass. The blonde asked if she could have one of the sheep and the sheep-herder said, "If you can tell me exactly how many sheep I have, you may have one." The blonde looked over the group and said, "There are 482 sheep here." The sheep-herder was amazed, "That's exactly right! Okay, I'm a man of my word, you may pick any sheep you'd like and take it." The blonde looked over the group again and carefully chose the one she liked best, then began taking it to her car. The sheep-herder stopped her and asked, "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

fresnelly

What does a woman do to her asshole 20 minutes before having spectacular sex?

Drop him off at the Golf course.



*Originally told by comedian Jeff Wayne.

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

tood_88

There is only one difference between I and You, dat widout you I am incomplete.

Tully Mars

The one liner to guaranteed not to get you laid-

Why do women wear perfume and make-up?...

Because they're ugly and they stink.

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I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

QuasiMojo

A naked man wrapped from head to toe in plastic shrink wrap goes to his psychiatrist. The Dr. looks at him and says, bemused, " I can clearly see you're nuts"

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AzAbOv ZoBeLoE

pan6467

Sex is like golf after 70 strokes on the same hole you're ready to smoke a cigar and talk politics.

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Tophat665

Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a Chicken Sedan

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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

demotivational

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

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demotivational posters

jimk

Q. why is shit tapered?



A. so your ass doesn't slam shut!

---------- Post added at 04:04 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:50 PM ----------

Q: what do you call a man with no arms & legs lying in a field?


A: 2nd base

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raw power is a guaranteed o.d.

raw power is a laughin' at you & me

-iggy

Polar

Two cannibals were eating a clown.


One leans over to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"


Pa-dum-pum