All your one liners and Q&A's go here - Page 7 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Happyland · 09-03-2003, 12:46 PM

sticks aren't sticky, well I guess it would depend on what kind of wood it is, hey what kind of a stick are we talking about here?

Flesh · 09-03-2003, 12:54 PM

COMEDY GOLD!

jimk · 09-03-2003, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Happyland
sticks aren't sticky, well I guess it would depend on what kind of wood it is, hey what kind of a stick are we talking about here?

sticks ARE sticky, as in having the quality of being stick-like!

one of the all time best horrible jokes.

ryman07 · 09-06-2003, 03:44 AM

two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"

cjvasco · 09-07-2003, 06:14 PM

haha these are great

Rodney · 09-07-2003, 09:29 PM

It may take a village to raise a child,

but....

It takes only one child to raze a village.

OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Deja Grimm · 09-08-2003, 11:08 AM

Did you hear about the two antenna's that got married?

The ceremony was long and boring but the reception was great.

scansinboy · 09-10-2003, 09:16 PM

Q:What do fat chicks do when it's hot out?

A:Stink.

Elessar · 09-11-2003, 03:19 PM

Seen on bumper sticker:

"Jesus used to be my co-pilot. But then we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him."

Elessar · 09-11-2003, 03:56 PM

Oh, what the hell.

What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic? Iceburg.

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, it would have been called a TEETHbrush.

Seen on bumper sticker: Driver carries no cash. He's married.

Paleontologists have discovered the first lesbian dinosaur: Licksalottapuss.

Scientists have finally found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding.

Who do you call when you hurt your toe? A tow-truck.

How can an atom be sure if it lost its electron? Don't worry, it's positive.

A dog walks into a bar with its leg in a sling and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

How does a duck pay for chapstick? He just puts it on his bill.

Why does OJ Simpson want to live in Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA.

mary jane · 09-13-2003, 04:52 AM

what is a couple of crack heads favorite sexual position?

doggy style....so they can both peer out the window.

BigBDunk · 09-17-2003, 08:06 AM

How do you know when you have had a good time?

When you wake up in the morning and discover shit under your fingernails, and your face feels like a glazed doughnut!

ssander9 · 09-19-2003, 11:14 AM

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone ).

zhevek · 09-22-2003, 06:27 PM

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotopuss

Lunchbox7 · 09-23-2003, 05:50 AM

Pick up lines:

'Dont make me stalk you'

'Lets play armies. Ill lay down and you can blow me away'

'You mean you cant play soccer. Maybe you just need some wog in you'

'If you play your cards right you could have me tonight'

'You know what they say about guys with big noses'

'Your looking very pretty tonight'
'Piss off'
'Oh you must of misheard me. I said you look very fat in that dress'

Noob · 09-24-2003, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lunchbox7
Pick up lines:

'Dont make me stalk you'

'Lets play armies. Ill lay down and you can blow me away'

'You mean you cant play soccer. Maybe you just need some wog in you'

'If you play your cards right you could have me tonight'

'You know what they say about guys with big noses'

'Your looking very pretty tonight'
'Piss off'
'Oh you must of misheard me. I said you look very fat in that dress'

you forgot
"are you free tonight or do i have to pay?"

Arachnid · 09-26-2003, 04:33 AM

classic stuff there................thanks for the laffs

Cheers

pocon1 · 09-26-2003, 06:24 PM

Yesterday my girlfriend told me to give her 8 inches and really hurt her.

So I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth.

Hope this wasn't a repost. I heard this from a coworker and almost laughed out a donut hole on him.

Combustable · 09-28-2003, 11:20 PM

Just like my grandad, quietly in his sleep,

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car

/oops!

torgone · 09-29-2003, 01:39 PM

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?

She was throwing out all the W's.

padam · 09-29-2003, 06:48 PM

Here's one from when I was a kid.
What's the strongest thing in the world?
A bra - it holds up 2 milk factories and a boys play ground

mongois · 10-01-2003, 02:14 PM

And then there was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

cJoe · 10-02-2003, 04:05 AM

Why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg?

A wooden leg is not a camera.

giblfiz · 10-04-2003, 12:25 PM

How is the creature from the black lagoon like an M&M?

...
He milts in your mouth, not in you hands.

10-04-2003, 06:14 PM

Bad joke

JadziaDax · 10-05-2003, 08:11 AM

How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

soccerchamp76 · 10-05-2003, 07:45 PM

What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?

You just have to remember one thing --- Don't look down!!

89transam · 10-05-2003, 08:47 PM

I i will retell that

Nice 1

soccerchamp76 · 10-06-2003, 01:12 PM

What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?

Nothing

ally · 10-06-2003, 04:54 PM

good one liner

scansinboy · 10-06-2003, 10:42 PM

4 nine year olds?

Orodinn · 10-07-2003, 01:00 PM

Whats the difference between a guy falling from 10th floor of a building and a guy falling from the 1sr floor of a building?

Guy falling from 10th floor:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!
.
.
.
.
*SPLAT*!!

Guy falling from the 1st floor:

*SPLAT*!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

tekaweni · 10-08-2003, 12:15 PM

True story: Dont know if this is original but I was telling my son about some guy at work who took a loan from one of the companies advertising "cheap" loans on TV.

"Borrowing his way out of debt, is he?" was the reply.

slant eyes · 10-08-2003, 07:29 PM

If you're an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

European (You're A Peein)

JadziaDax · 10-09-2003, 02:10 AM

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

tekaweni · 10-10-2003, 11:16 AM

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.

tekaweni · 10-10-2003, 11:52 AM

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

soccerchamp76 · 10-10-2003, 05:52 PM

Him: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"

Her: "Because you're never home when it happens."

Esoteric · 10-10-2003, 07:29 PM

Ouch, lol.

prince_albert · 10-10-2003, 09:34 PM

Class!

09-03-2003, 12:46 PM	#241 (permalink)
Happyland Insane Location: where happiness lives	sticks aren't sticky, well I guess it would depend on what kind of wood it is, hey what kind of a stick are we talking about here? __________________ someone else here must like Walton & Johnson too

09-07-2003, 06:14 PM	#245 (permalink)
cjvasco Tilted Location: Boston, Mass	haha these are great Last edited by cjvasco; 09-07-2003 at 06:20 PM..

09-10-2003, 09:16 PM	#248 (permalink)
scansinboy Insane Location: Milwaukee	Q:What do fat chicks do when it's hot out? A:Stink. __________________ Don't blame me... I voted for Kodos!

09-11-2003, 03:19 PM	#249 (permalink)
Elessar Upright Location: Atlanta	Seen on bumper sticker: "Jesus used to be my co-pilot. But then we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him." __________________ You! Out of the Gene Pool!

09-11-2003, 03:56 PM	#250 (permalink)
Elessar Upright Location: Atlanta	Oh, what the hell. What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic? Iceburg. How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? Anywhere else, it would have been called a TEETHbrush. Seen on bumper sticker: Driver carries no cash. He's married. Paleontologists have discovered the first lesbian dinosaur: Licksalottapuss. Scientists have finally found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding. Who do you call when you hurt your toe? A tow-truck. How can an atom be sure if it lost its electron? Don't worry, it's positive. A dog walks into a bar with its leg in a sling and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw" How does a duck pay for chapstick? He just puts it on his bill. Why does OJ Simpson want to live in Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA. __________________ You! Out of the Gene Pool! Last edited by SecretMethod70; 12-06-2004 at 01:49 PM..

09-03-2003, 12:54 PM	#242 (permalink)
Flesh Psycho	COMEDY GOLD!

09-06-2003, 03:44 AM	#244 (permalink)
ryman07 Upright Location: sydney	two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"

09-07-2003, 09:29 PM	#246 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	It may take a village to raise a child, but.... It takes only one child to raze a village. OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

09-08-2003, 11:08 AM	#247 (permalink)
Deja Grimm Upright	Did you hear about the two antenna's that got married? The ceremony was long and boring but the reception was great.

09-13-2003, 04:52 AM	#251 (permalink)
mary jane Upright	what is a couple of crack heads favorite sexual position? doggy style....so they can both peer out the window.

09-17-2003, 08:06 AM	#252 (permalink)
BigBDunk Upright	How do you kknow when you have had a Good time? How do you know when you have had a good time? When you wake up in the morning and discover shit under your fingernails, and your face feels like a glazed doughnut!

09-19-2003, 11:14 AM	#253 (permalink)
ssander9 Amplitude Modulator Location: US	More Blonde Jokes 1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? (You have to hollow out the head.) 2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.) 3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.) 4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.) 5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.) 6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.) 7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.) 8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.) 9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.) 10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their hammers.) 11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.) 12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.) 13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.) 14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.) 15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.) 16. Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.) 17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in the Handicapped Zone ). __________________ I never said you had to.

09-22-2003, 06:27 PM	#254 (permalink)
zhevek Tilted Location: Portland, Or	What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopuss __________________ Whatever is done from love always occurs beyond good and evil

09-23-2003, 05:50 AM	#255 (permalink)
Lunchbox7 Addict	Pick up lines: 'Dont make me stalk you' 'Lets play armies. Ill lay down and you can blow me away' 'You mean you cant play soccer. Maybe you just need some wog in you' 'If you play your cards right you could have me tonight' 'You know what they say about guys with big noses' 'Your looking very pretty tonight' 'Piss off' 'Oh you must of misheard me. I said you look very fat in that dress'

09-26-2003, 04:33 AM	#257 (permalink)
Arachnid Crazy Location: Melb - Australia	classic stuff there................thanks for the laffs Cheers __________________ -------------------- Cheers

10-04-2003, 06:14 PM	#265 (permalink)
2thumbsup Guest	Bad joke

10-05-2003, 08:47 PM	#268 (permalink)
89transam Psycho Location: Central California	I i will retell that Nice 1 __________________ I'd rather be rich than stupid.

10-06-2003, 01:12 PM	#269 (permalink)
soccerchamp76 Go Cardinals Location: St. Louis/Cincinnati	2 Eighteen Year olds What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once? Nothing __________________ Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

09-26-2003, 06:24 PM	#258 (permalink)
pocon1 Banned	be careful what you ask for Yesterday my girlfriend told me to give her 8 inches and really hurt her. So I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth. Hope this wasn't a repost. I heard this from a coworker and almost laughed out a donut hole on him.

09-28-2003, 11:20 PM	#259 (permalink)
Combustable Upright	I Want to Die........ Just like my grandad, quietly in his sleep, Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car /oops!

09-29-2003, 01:39 PM	#260 (permalink)
torgone What's beyond psycho? Location: Still out there	Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She was throwing out all the W's. __________________ "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

09-29-2003, 06:48 PM	#261 (permalink)
padam Upright Location: Houston	Here's one from when I was a kid. What's the strongest thing in the world? A bra - it holds up 2 milk factories and a boys play ground

10-01-2003, 02:14 PM	#262 (permalink)
mongois Upright	And then there was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

10-02-2003, 04:05 AM	#263 (permalink)
cJoe Insane	Why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg? A wooden leg is not a camera. __________________ I've got plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it. ...Calvin

10-04-2003, 12:25 PM	#264 (permalink)
giblfiz is a shoggoth Location: LA	the creature from the black lagoon. How is the creature from the black lagoon like an M&M? ... He milts in your mouth, not in you hands. __________________ Use the star one and you'll be fighting off the old ones with your bare hands -A Shoggoth on the Roof

10-05-2003, 08:11 AM	#266 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

10-05-2003, 07:45 PM	#267 (permalink)
soccerchamp76 Go Cardinals Location: St. Louis/Cincinnati	Grand Canyon What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common? You just have to remember one thing --- Don't look down!! __________________ Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

10-06-2003, 04:54 PM	#270 (permalink)
ally Insane Location: Boone,NC	good one liner

10-06-2003, 10:42 PM	#271 (permalink)
scansinboy Insane Location: Milwaukee	4 nine year olds? __________________ Don't blame me... I voted for Kodos!

10-07-2003, 01:00 PM	#272 (permalink)
Orodinn Crazy	Whats the difference between a guy falling from 10th floor of a building and a guy falling from the 1sr floor of a building? Guy falling from 10th floor: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH HHHHHHH!!!!!!! . . . . SPLAT!! Guy falling from the 1st floor: SPLAT!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

10-08-2003, 12:15 PM	#273 (permalink)
tekaweni It wasnt me Location: Scotland	True story: Dont know if this is original but I was telling my son about some guy at work who took a loan from one of the companies advertising "cheap" loans on TV. "Borrowing his way out of debt, is he?" was the reply. __________________ If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

10-08-2003, 07:29 PM	#274 (permalink)
slant eyes Psycho Location: cali	Nationality If you're an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European (You're A Peein) __________________ no man or woman is worth your tears - and the one who is, won't make you cry question authority, don't ask why, just do it!

10-09-2003, 02:10 AM	#275 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

10-10-2003, 11:16 AM	#276 (permalink)
tekaweni It wasnt me Location: Scotland	Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs. A penis and a brain. __________________ If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

10-10-2003, 11:52 AM	#277 (permalink)
tekaweni It wasnt me Location: Scotland	There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. __________________ If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

10-10-2003, 05:52 PM	#278 (permalink)
soccerchamp76 Go Cardinals Location: St. Louis/Cincinnati	Burn Him: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?" Her: "Because you're never home when it happens." __________________ Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

10-10-2003, 07:29 PM	#279 (permalink)
Esoteric Tired Location: Florida	Ouch, lol. __________________ From a head full of pressure rests the senses that I clutch Made a date with Divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck I got touched by a hazy shaded, God help me change Caught a rush on the floor from the life in my veins

10-10-2003, 09:34 PM	#280 (permalink)
prince_albert Banned Location: Bradford, UK	Class!