dover, ben

Q: What do you call a dog with two legs?
A: Scooter

zz0011

Okay, maybe not technically one liners. And not mine. But seem to fit here...

"Going to a strip club is like going to a restaurant where I can't eat the food. They just bring by big plates of steamed vegetables and beef, and go, Hey! Don't touch that!" -- Tim Allen, Don't Stand Too Close To a Naked Man

"Last year I entered the LA marathon. I finished last. It was embarrassing.
And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me.
He said, "Hey, Gerry, how does it feel to be last?" I said, "You want to
know?" So I dropped out." -- Gerry Bednob

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
-----
Wow... Reading your minds here. These are lame!

And I repeat: not mine!
-----
"There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room." ~ Runner up in the "This is your new sig" contest...

__________________
10th sig ~> "How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms?" -- Aristotle

Xavion

Ummm....i don't get it.

__________________
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer!"

smokey413

The Irish air disaster is the best I've heard. Brilliant!!

sentimental_arm

three tampons walk down the street, how many would stop and wave to you?



................



none they are all stuck up c***s

zz0011

And, no, I didn't search the thread to see if these were here before.
__________

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT...

...the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.

...the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.

...the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.

...the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.

...the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.

__________________
10th sig ~> "How many a dispute could have been deflated into a single paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms?" -- Aristotle

tecoyah

How do you keep an asshole in suspence......

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Hektore

Personal fav that's clean cut for all ages.

Steak and eggs walk into a bar.


Bartender looks at them and says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

__________________
The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

bollocks

What comes between fear and sex?

Funf.

__________________
Why's Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle

Jimellow

What's green, slimy, and smells like ham?

Kermit's finger.

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

BigBen

You hear about the Gay midget that just came out of the cupboard?

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

BigBen

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Usually nothing, but one time out of ten you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

SteelyLoins

I went to Taco Bell today. I don't really like the food, but it was the only place I could get gas for a dollar.

Brewmaniac

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. Do you know how Montana cowboys practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 5 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare .

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

__________________
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

BigBen

All this pollen is killing me, You can see the green clouds of it floating in the air.
pollen is just tree sperm...
I feel like mother nature just gave me a facial.

__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

Mantus

He carried a bullet in his breast pocket. Someone threw a Bible at him and the bullet saved his life.

vanblah

Give credit where credit is due. That's Woody Allen from his stand up days in the mid 60's.

To paraphrase the story as he told it: "Years ago, my mother ... gave me ... a bullet. I carried it around in my left breast pocket. One day I was walking down the street and a berserk evangelist hurled a bible out a second story window striking me in the chestal area. That bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for that bullet."

Mantus

The quote gestapo caught me red handed.

Here is another, all mine, I swear *ClintonThumb up*


I believe Dr. Kevorkian is on to something. Suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me. I quit!"

CrypticDreamer

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Altitude

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank goodness," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

__________________
No pienses mal quiero
Alguien que me sepa amar
Un amor real y verdadero
Si viene bien y si no
Viene ya qué más da
La vida sigue igual...
Nada extraño me hace falta para estar feliz
-Jaci Velásquez

Sugarmouse

What do you call a girl with a tile on her head?

Ruth.



What do you call a man swimmin the English channel with no arms,no legs and no body?

A Smartass.

__________________
Sugarmouse=Festered

longbough

Two peanuts are walking down the street ...

... one was a-salted.

__________________
"I do believe that, where there is only a choice between cowardice and violence, I would advise violence. Thus when my eldest son asked me what he should have done, had he been present when I was almost fatally assaulted in 1908, whether he should have run away and seen me killed or whether he should have used his physical force which he could and wanted to use, and defended me, I told him that it was his duty to defend me even by using violence." - Mahatma Ghandi

Sugarmouse

Whats black and white and goes 'oo'?


A cow with no lips.

__________________
Sugarmouse=Festered

Amaras

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
> ************************** ****
>
>
> In a Podiatrist's office:
>
> "Time wounds all heels."
> **************************
>
>
> On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
> "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
>
> **************************
>
> At a Proctologist's door:
>
> "To expedite your visit please back in."
> **************************
>
>
> On a Plumber's truck:
>
> "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
> **************************
>
>
> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
>
> "Invite us to your next blowout."
> ************** ************
>
> At a Towing company:
>
> "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
> *************** ***********
>
> On an Electrician's truck:
> "Let us remove your shorts."
> **************************
>
> On a Maternity Room door:
>
> "Push. Push. Push."
> **************************
>
> At an Optometrist's Office
>
> "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
> come to the right
> place."
> **************************
>
> On a Taxidermist's window:
>
> "We really know our stuff."
> **************************
>
> On a Fence:
>
> " Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
> **************************
>
>
> At a Car Dealership:
> "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a
> car payment."
> **************************
>
> Outside a Muffler Shop:
>
> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
> **************************
>
> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
>
> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
> **************************
>
> At the Electric Company:
>
> "We would be delighted if you send in your
> payment.
> However, if you don't, you will be."
> Took me a minute
> to get this one.
> **************************
>
>
> In a Restaurant window:
>
> "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
> get fed up."
> **************************
>
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
>
> "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
>
> **************************
>
> At a Propane Filling Station,
>
> "Thank heaven for little grills."
> **************************
>
> And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator
> Shop:
>
> "Best place in town to take a leak."

__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928

Disco Stu

whats worse than a cardboard box?
Paper Tits!

MSD

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb?

Four; first Peter Murphy does it, then Andrew Eldritch does it, then two teenagers sit around arguing over which one of them did it better.

luder

soooo true

timothy4testes

whats a dying brits favourite cereal
cheerios

Deltona Couple

And in a different version....

Money may not be able to buy happyness, but it sure makes the road to being miserable pretty enjoyable!

__________________
"It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

Godzilla

'Money can't buy me love' the Beatles sang...
But in Vegas money can rent love for a while

__________________
Coming out of an ocean near you...

zed wolf

Some worldly advice for men given to me by a friend. (don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger)
Two things you never tell your friends you ride : mopeds and fat chicks.

__________________
____________________________________________________

Wait a minute...you google searched uncircumsized wang?
And we're the best that you could find?~~~~~~~~~ Bill O'Rights
____________________________________________________

Darth_Kettch

Very true

Why are orthopedists the best lovers?

Because when they say it'll take 30 minutes, they really mean three hours

pai mei

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

Drink wet cement - get stoned.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

http://onnachance.com/funny/drinking.php

__________________
Blog
One day there will be so many houses, that people will be bored and will go live in tents. "Why are you living in tents ? Are there not enough houses ?" "Yes there are, but we play this Economy game"

turkey

Not sure if been said already--


Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute.......


set him alight and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!



(I'll get my coat.......)

Jetée

My two cents:

Q: What do Fat people do in the summertime ?
A: Stink

Q: What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old peoples home

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

zxx

Hey guys i'm laughing my ass off to fuck. awesome.

spiderman

Why do Iraqi sex dolls cost so much?









Because they blow themselves up.

__________________
Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

inBOIL

What do you call a masturbating bull?

Beef strokinoff

bjambjam

Plan9

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger!

...

...

Or turns me into Christopher Reeve.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."