WarriorBuddha

here's a couple I haven't seen yet:

Why did Raggety Ann get kicked out of the playhouse?
She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying "Tell me lies!"

Why did the redneck cross the road:
His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Why do blondes like convertibles?
More leg room.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

Why do blonded wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.

more to come as I think of them...

__________________
Thockmorton knew if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

cdopson

What is the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Eweser

This is the best thread ever!

__________________
"Whoever wrote this episode should die!"

aKula

good thread.

opensaysme

*Had a good one till I saw the ban on Michel Jackson jokes, Just got here don't need to be banned strait right away*

locke23

One time I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

joystick

Did you know that Lewis and Clark made all the way from the Missisippi river to the Pacific ocean on just one "Sacajawea"?

__________________
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night.

FishKing

Thanks, I needed that................LOL

WarriorBuddha

Q: What was Moby Dick's father's name?
A: Papa Boner.

Q: How is a blonde and a pitcher different?
A: A blonde doesn't mind when you charge the mound.

Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.

Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town?
A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the blues and then one week of rag time.

Q: Did you hear about the new high school course?
A: Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to come.

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: Easy...You call them up and tell them you can't come.

Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.

Q: What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?
A: Learn to swim.

Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
A: Having your dentist confirm it.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with Honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q: Have you heard the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: "They'll never see you coming."

Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A: The guy that gave it to him.

Q. What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A. Both need a hoe to stay in business.

Q: How do women get minks?
A: The same way minks get minks.

Q: What do you call a 1000 pound woman on a bar stool with a new condom?
A: 1/2 ton pickup with good rubber.

Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper.

Q: What do you call a female turtle?
A: A Clitortous.

Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A: Not a damn thing!

__________________
Thockmorton knew if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

Dane Bramage

Here is my paltry contribution:

~~~

Why did the Buddha refuse Novocain during his root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Why can't the Buddha vacuum his couch?
Because he has no attachments.

How many Kennedy's does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the light bulb and one to drink until the rooms starts spinning.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

~~~

DB.

__________________
Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

joystick

Q. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund??



A. He wanted to "git a long little doggie."

__________________
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night.

shipofshame

I apologize if these are repeats.

--------------

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because he was dead

--------------

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says, "Maaaan, it's hot in here!"
The other says, "Oh my God, a talking muffin!"

mo42

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

shipofshame

Not meant to offend, of course.


Q: Why do all blacks have nightmares?

A: Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

tokaok

what is green and smells like red paint?








green paint

skills1

i read through the first page, saw how many more pages there were and just gasped for a second literally outloud ..

kinginthenorth

what did 50 cent say to his grandma when she made him a sweater?

Gee, you knit

tspikes51

Q: How can you tell if you're at an all-gay picnic???
A: All the hot dogs are brown.

__________________
"I'm telling you, we need to get rid of a few people or a million."
-Maddox

Howdee

Why was the Blonde's belly button always bruised?



Her boyfriend was blonde too.

ragns

How can you tell if a girl from alabama is a virgin?

Ask if she can run faster than her brothers.

Cricket

The proctologist reaches into his pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer, and says, "Damn, some asshole's got my pen!"

Glad-I-Ate-Her

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call the inanimate tissue around a vagina?
A: A woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your life!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Cos women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: If a tennis player gets tennis elbow, what does a gynecologist get?
A: Tunnel vision.

Sorry if some are repeats.
Glad

__________________
I'm "Glad I Ate Her" because the payback was worth it!!

mirevolver

It might surprise you to know that only three Lawyer jokes actually exist. The rest are true stories.

__________________
Aside from my great plans to become the future dictator of the moon, I have little interest in political discussions.

dontmisspel

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a rock?




A hard cock

Boo

Ever hear about the poor girl that was born with her breasts on her back? She wasn't much to look at, but was great to dance with.

__________________
Back button again, I must be getting old.

wgheow

this is the killer man....

Stug

Q: Why did the baker have brown hands?
A: Because he kneaded a poo!

Q: What do you call a paedophile pirate?
A: Rrrrrrrrr... Kelly!

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

feelgood

You know what's the good thing about fucking twenty five years olds?

There were twenty of them!

__________________
Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

joystick

Its a little known fact that 99% of the lawyers in the world give the rest of them a bad name.

__________________
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night.

IndianaGirl

What does Snoop Dog use an umbrella for?

Fo' drizzle


Why do Hippies wear patchouli?

So even blind people can hate them


Both of these where in my college newspaper.. so while a little bias or mean.. they are still appropriate I think.

beteez2

Why did god invent the yeast infection?


So women know what its like to live with a miserable cunt also

frogza

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?


Potholes all over Australia.

Yea, I know, Groan!!

someguy42

Long thread = Praying it's not a repost.

What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?

Your wife will blow your bonus.

__________________
The probability that someone is watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

CoachAlan

It's two, two, yes two jokes in one!

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"

..............................

He hands the vendor $20 and asks for his change. The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."

__________________
"If I cannot smoke cigars in heaven, I shall not go!"
- Mark Twain

theFez

what's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?


George Bush had a plan for getting out of vietnam.

__________________
# chmod 111 /bin/Laden

Tophat665

Q: How many political operatives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three; one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to confuse the issue.

__________________
Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Tophat665

What did the drummer get on his SATs?
Drool.

A frog and a Trombonist drive past each other. What's the difference between them?
The Frog is on it's way to work.

__________________
Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

bacon_masta

a pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. the bar tender says "ok, you can drink her, but you better not start anything...."

Albinho

lol, wow, a guy could get lost here, my sides and face hurt from laughing so much...too bad i don't have any of my own to add.

DATMAN_4EVER

Here's one, it's not a one liner though.

A blonde chick comes home to find her boyfriend cheating on her. She screams, "I can't believe you would do this to me" and puts a gun to her head. Her boyfriend yells, "Honey, why are you going to kill yourself". The blonde replies, "Don't worry, you're next buddy".