All your one liners and Q&A's go here - Page 13 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

small one · 11-04-2004, 02:32 AM

Lots of good ones

forumguy · 11-07-2004, 02:55 PM

Oh, we miss you badly Rodney but your humor will live on for generations to come.

jamesconrad · 11-09-2004, 11:59 PM

Why don't Sicilains like Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because they don't like any kind of witnesses

slimshaydee · 11-13-2004, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zooksport2

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

That is fucking hilarious
HAHAHAHA!

Ishmal · 11-17-2004, 09:36 PM

i know it was a LOOOOOOng time ago... but i really liked #12.

i'm only skimming the 13 pages... but these are really great.

thatguy · 11-18-2004, 05:44 PM

Q: Whats red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick

Q: What do you call a broken boomerang?
A: A stick.

Q: What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?
A: Pool table.

And a couple jokes for good measure

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first
mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar,
turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my
back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in
my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one
after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse
and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can,
take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each
morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long
sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit.
Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

St.Peter and the Pearly Gates..

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept
people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was
standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the
day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was
having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched
all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over
the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started
hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the
refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain
of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny
that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he
let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but
some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer.
Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator
on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could
really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said
to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator...."

Ishmal · 11-19-2004, 12:03 AM

Q: what do you have if you've got a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand?

A: complete control of Kermit the Frog

gefax · 11-21-2004, 06:09 AM

I'm blind, someone told this joke already!

thatguy · 11-23-2004, 11:28 PM

One day a young man gets nervous about his upcoming marriage, and asks his father.. " dad.. how do I know if the girl I'm seeing is really a virgin like she said she is?"

To which his father replies " son, theres a simple test to can do to find out.. and all you need is a can of green paint, a can of red paint and a shovel."

The son waits for his father to continue

" well heres what you do.. you paint one testicle green and the other red and if she says " those are the funniest testicles I've ever seen" you hit her with the shovel"

LoganSnake · 11-25-2004, 07:10 PM

-Dad, what's a blowhole for?
-Well I'll tell you what it's not for, and then you will understand why I can never go back to Seaworld.

bacon_masta · 12-03-2004, 10:36 AM

Why can't computer scientists tell the difference between Christmas and Halloween?

Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25

toverfie · 12-03-2004, 10:59 AM

Never insult people named Terry, because "dissin" Terry is no fun for anyone

cataklysm · 12-05-2004, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by warrrreagl

Where do I start?

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

haha @ the leper one

MiSo · 12-06-2004, 01:59 AM

how do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
--she starts her sentence off with "a man once said"

funkeodor · 12-10-2004, 10:07 AM

There was a sparrow that flew north and as it flew, it froze and fell to the ground. Well, as it was laying there freezing to death a cow comes along and poops on the sparrow. Well, the poop being warm thaws out the sparrow. Naturally the sparrow is quite happy about being warm and alive so it starts to sing. Along comes a cat and it brushes off the poop off of the sparrow and then continues to eat it.

Moral of the Story:
When someone poops on you, it's not always a bad thing
When someone gets you out of the crap you're in, they're not always being a friend
Last of all, when you are warm and happy just keep your big mouth shut!

blitz.fenix · 12-11-2004, 07:33 PM

One day a man comes home from work and catches his wife having sex with another man. He restrains the main and birngs him into a shed. He places the mans penis in a vice and removes the lever. He then proceeds to take out a hacksaw, gasoline, and matches. He lays the hacksaw on the table as the man asks "Are you going to cut my dick off?" as the husband drenches the shed in gasoline. "No" the husband replies as he sets off the gasoline. "You are."

MikeyChalupa · 12-17-2004, 01:39 PM

If you lined up all the cigarettes America smokes in one day end to end around the equator, all those third world countries would be really pissed off at us.

-Mikey

deadair · 01-12-2005, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bacon_masta

Why can't computer scientists tell the difference between Christmas and Halloween?

Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm such a geek....

creole king · 01-13-2005, 08:25 PM

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A TEXAS CINDERELLA?

A: A GIRL THAT WILL GIVE YOU HEAD UNTIL MIDNIGHT AND THEN TURN INTO A CHICKEN FRIED STEAK.

K-Wise · 01-16-2005, 06:09 PM

Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

A: Fo Drizzle

Asta!!

kennusion · 01-18-2005, 03:56 PM

heh, that was pretty dorky.

Powderedmaggot · 01-27-2005, 03:37 PM

What did one gay say to the other gay at the bar?

Can I push in your stool?

nohitters · 02-10-2005, 06:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by qwertyuiop

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

This is hilarious. I absolutely love this one. i don't know if its the image in my mind or somthing else but i can't stop laughing about it.

KCMadcow · 03-17-2005, 12:09 PM

My all time fav. one liner-

Two guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks

KCMadcow · 03-17-2005, 12:11 PM

Another good one...

A duck, a priest, and a talking horse all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some sort of a joke?"

Whoooo!

bookie05 · 03-24-2005, 09:30 PM

Why did the cookie go to jail?

He was baked.

I know that is weak but it can lighten the mood at least slightly

P-Naughty · 03-25-2005, 02:00 PM

I had Asian for lunch today. Too bad I lost her number.

liquidlight · 03-25-2005, 09:54 PM

I hope these aren't breaking any rules, I call these generic jokes! And you've probably all heard them, but I didn't see them posted here, so here we go. Wherever you see <blank> insert whatever you like, lawyers, groups of people, whatever.

Q: What do you call 10,000 <blank> at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A pretty good start.

Q: How do you save a <blank> from drowning?
A: Take your foot off their head.

Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a <blank>?
A: A doberman.

I had more, but of course as soon as I started typing I forgot them >.<

the_dave · 03-31-2005, 10:24 PM

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it "San Diago" which of course in German means "A whale's vagina."

- Anchorman

BalloonKnots · 04-14-2005, 11:50 AM

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other?

A: I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

mrklixx · 04-15-2005, 07:08 AM

Why does a chicken coup have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

Hain · 04-17-2005, 11:37 AM

Math nerd joke: Skip it.

Q> Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A> Spoiler: To get to the other... oh...

Gatorade Frost · 04-17-2005, 02:10 PM

Sorry if this one's already been said in this thread, but 26 pages is a little much to read through to find out:

Two drums and a cymbal set fall off a cliff...

Buh-Dum-Chh!

Sorry, that one cracks me up.

eyeronic · 04-17-2005, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the_dave

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it "San Diago" which of course in German means "A whale's vagina."

- Anchorman

If this makes any sense to anyone, please PM me...

vermin · 04-28-2005, 11:57 AM

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

A Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

pan6467 · 05-03-2005, 07:50 AM

Quote of the day: "God is a sadistic fucker, he has man working hard all his life looking for a good lay and when the poor schmuck gets one, what does God do? Damn right, he takes the guys life."....... A friend of mine in an email after learning one of our friends died having a heart attack during sex.

mino · 05-07-2005, 05:17 AM

Sorry if this one's been told before, but I couldn't find it anywhere. It's a "read-out-loud" one -- tell it, and it's guaranteed to induce hilarity in (a) any eight-year-olds you know, and (b) me.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Palamidian · 05-07-2005, 10:30 AM

Q: How do you circumcize a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

Adonis1782 · 05-08-2005, 09:07 PM

I'll kick ya ass so bad......you'll be the only person in heaven, scootin around in a wheel chair.

Heard that today. good line from Chris rock.

gilbert- · 06-30-2005, 02:34 AM

A New Zealander is walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "You sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine

"

11-17-2004, 09:36 PM	#485 (permalink)
Ishmal Wicked Clown Location: House Of Horrors	i know it was a LOOOOOOng time ago... but i really liked #12. i'm only skimming the 13 pages... but these are really great. __________________ "Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

11-19-2004, 12:03 AM	#487 (permalink)
Ishmal Wicked Clown Location: House Of Horrors	Q: what do you have if you've got a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand? A: complete control of Kermit the Frog __________________ "Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

11-21-2004, 06:09 AM	#488 (permalink)
gefax Upright	I'm blind, someone told this joke already! Last edited by gefax; 11-21-2004 at 06:12 AM..

11-25-2004, 07:10 PM	#490 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	-Dad, what's a blowhole for? -Well I'll tell you what it's not for, and then you will understand why I can never go back to Seaworld. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

12-03-2004, 10:36 AM	#491 (permalink)
bacon_masta Psycho Location: i live in the state of denial	Geek Joke Why can't computer scientists tell the difference between Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25

11-04-2004, 02:32 AM	#481 (permalink)
small one Banned Location: York	Lots of good ones

11-07-2004, 02:55 PM	#482 (permalink)
forumguy Insane	Oh, we miss you badly Rodney but your humor will live on for generations to come.

11-09-2004, 11:59 PM	#483 (permalink)
jamesconrad Upright	Why don't Sicilains like Jehovah's Witnesses? Because they don't like any kind of witnesses

11-18-2004, 05:44 PM	#486 (permalink)
thatguy Upright	Q: Whats red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick Q: What do you call a broken boomerang? A: A stick. Q: What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A: Pool table. And a couple jokes for good measure Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat." St.Peter and the Pearly Gates.. It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

11-23-2004, 11:28 PM	#489 (permalink)
thatguy Upright	One day a young man gets nervous about his upcoming marriage, and asks his father.. " dad.. how do I know if the girl I'm seeing is really a virgin like she said she is?" To which his father replies " son, theres a simple test to can do to find out.. and all you need is a can of green paint, a can of red paint and a shovel." The son waits for his father to continue " well heres what you do.. you paint one testicle green and the other red and if she says " those are the funniest testicles I've ever seen" you hit her with the shovel"

12-03-2004, 10:59 AM	#492 (permalink)
toverfie Upright	Never insult people named Terry, because "dissin" Terry is no fun for anyone

12-06-2004, 01:59 AM	#494 (permalink)
MiSo Psycho	how do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? --she starts her sentence off with "a man once said"

12-10-2004, 10:07 AM	#495 (permalink)
funkeodor Upright	There was a sparrow that flew north and as it flew, it froze and fell to the ground. Well, as it was laying there freezing to death a cow comes along and poops on the sparrow. Well, the poop being warm thaws out the sparrow. Naturally the sparrow is quite happy about being warm and alive so it starts to sing. Along comes a cat and it brushes off the poop off of the sparrow and then continues to eat it. Moral of the Story: When someone poops on you, it's not always a bad thing When someone gets you out of the crap you're in, they're not always being a friend Last of all, when you are warm and happy just keep your big mouth shut!

12-11-2004, 07:33 PM	#496 (permalink)
blitz.fenix Insane Location: Toronto	One day a man comes home from work and catches his wife having sex with another man. He restrains the main and birngs him into a shed. He places the mans penis in a vice and removes the lever. He then proceeds to take out a hacksaw, gasoline, and matches. He lays the hacksaw on the table as the man asks "Are you going to cut my dick off?" as the husband drenches the shed in gasoline. "No" the husband replies as he sets off the gasoline. "You are."

12-17-2004, 01:39 PM	#497 (permalink)
MikeyChalupa Squid Location: USS George Washington	If you lined up all the cigarettes America smokes in one day end to end around the equator, all those third world countries would be really pissed off at us. -Mikey

01-13-2005, 08:25 PM	#499 (permalink)
creole king Upright	Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A TEXAS CINDERELLA? A: A GIRL THAT WILL GIVE YOU HEAD UNTIL MIDNIGHT AND THEN TURN INTO A CHICKEN FRIED STEAK.

01-16-2005, 06:09 PM	#500 (permalink)
K-Wise It's All About The Ass!! Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!	Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? A: Fo Drizzle Asta!! __________________ "I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project *It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys!* - Asta!!

01-18-2005, 03:56 PM	#501 (permalink)
kennusion Upright	heh, that was pretty dorky.

01-27-2005, 03:37 PM	#502 (permalink)
Powderedmaggot Banned	What did one gay say to the other gay at the bar? Can I push in your stool?

03-17-2005, 12:09 PM	#504 (permalink)
KCMadcow Upright	My all time fav. one liner- Two guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks __________________ Worrying is like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere...write that down... - Van Why am I fat? I guess I'll have another donut and think about it... - Me

03-17-2005, 12:11 PM	#505 (permalink)
KCMadcow Upright	Another good one... A duck, a priest, and a talking horse all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some sort of a joke?" Whoooo! __________________ Worrying is like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere...write that down... - Van Why am I fat? I guess I'll have another donut and think about it... - Me

03-24-2005, 09:30 PM	#506 (permalink)
bookie05 Upright	Why did the cookie go to jail? He was baked. I know that is weak but it can lighten the mood at least slightly

03-25-2005, 02:00 PM	#507 (permalink)
P-Naughty Crazy Location: Georgia Southern University	I had Asian for lunch today. Too bad I lost her number. __________________ I will not walk so that a child may live! - Master Shake

03-25-2005, 09:54 PM	#508 (permalink)
liquidlight AHH! Custom Title!! Location: The twisted warpings of my brain.	I hope these aren't breaking any rules, I call these generic jokes! And you've probably all heard them, but I didn't see them posted here, so here we go. Wherever you see <blank> insert whatever you like, lawyers, groups of people, whatever. Q: What do you call 10,000 <blank> at the bottom of the ocean? A: A pretty good start. Q: How do you save a <blank> from drowning? A: Take your foot off their head. Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a <blank>? A: A doberman. I had more, but of course as soon as I started typing I forgot them >.< __________________ Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

03-31-2005, 10:24 PM	#509 (permalink)
the_dave Upright Location: Right Here	Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it "San Diago" which of course in German means "A whale's vagina." - Anchorman __________________ Rock'n & Shock'n Baby!

04-14-2005, 11:50 AM	#510 (permalink)
BalloonKnots Tilted	Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other? A: I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

04-15-2005, 07:08 AM	#511 (permalink)
mrklixx President Rick Location: location location	Why does a chicken coup have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan. __________________ This post is content. If you don't like it then you are not content. Or perhaps just incontinent. This is not a link - Do not click here I hate animated avatars.

04-17-2005, 11:37 AM	#512 (permalink)
Hain has a plan Location: middle of Whywouldanyonebethere	Math nerd joke: Skip it. Q> Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? A> Spoiler: To get to the other... oh... __________________ ////\\// IRONSKY.NET \\//\\\\

04-17-2005, 02:10 PM	#513 (permalink)
Gatorade Frost Rookie	Sorry if this one's already been said in this thread, but 26 pages is a little much to read through to find out: Two drums and a cymbal set fall off a cliff... Buh-Dum-Chh! Sorry, that one cracks me up. __________________ I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Emo Philips

04-28-2005, 11:57 AM	#515 (permalink)
vermin Indifferent to anti-matter Location: Tucson, AZ	What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman? Mick Jagger sings "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" A Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!" __________________ If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

05-03-2005, 07:50 AM	#516 (permalink)
pan6467 Lennonite Priest Location: Mansfield, Ohio USA	Quote of the day: "God is a sadistic fucker, he has man working hard all his life looking for a good lay and when the poor schmuck gets one, what does God do? Damn right, he takes the guys life."....... A friend of mine in an email after learning one of our friends died having a heart attack during sex. __________________ I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

05-07-2005, 05:17 AM	#517 (permalink)
mino Upright Location: Melbourne, Australia	Sorry if this one's been told before, but I couldn't find it anywhere. It's a "read-out-loud" one -- tell it, and it's guaranteed to induce hilarity in (a) any eight-year-olds you know, and (b) me. Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A piiig.

05-07-2005, 10:30 AM	#518 (permalink)
Palamidian Upright	Q: How do you circumcize a redneck? A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

05-08-2005, 09:07 PM	#519 (permalink)
Adonis1782 Upright Location: Chapel Hill, North Carolina	I'll kick ya ass so bad......you'll be the only person in heaven, scootin around in a wheel chair. Heard that today. good line from Chris rock. __________________ " yer damned if you do and yer damned if you don't " -Bart Simpson

06-30-2005, 02:34 AM	#520 (permalink)
gilbert- Tilted	A New Zealander is walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "You sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine "