All your one liners and Q&A's go here - Page 3 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Cumhachd · 07-05-2003, 05:35 AM

Incompatibility can be a good thing! The man has income, and the woman is pattable.

My math teacher gave me this one.

jets · 07-07-2003, 06:07 PM

q: What do you call a smart blonde?

a: A golden retriever

lheck66 · 07-07-2003, 08:07 PM

What the difference between a corvette and a porcupine?

The pricks are in the inside.

oblar · 07-07-2003, 10:04 PM

hehe

*tents fingers* excellent

Snakeyes · 07-08-2003, 11:08 AM

The punchline really should have been

"On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside"

And by the way this has been posted except with a BMW. Please search first.

Daystrom · 07-09-2003, 07:43 PM

I got every single one of those jokes. That sad thing is, i heard a BUNCH of them before this thread was created... soo.. uhh.. someone's got some 'splainin' to do.

staggerlee · 07-09-2003, 08:02 PM

Truthful State Welcome Signs

(I apologize if a few of these are a bit esoteric...)

Welcome to Georgia--Yes, we know it's actually Florida on your mind, but hey, can't blame us for tryin'!

Welcome to Florida--Where the water's brown and the hair's blue.

Welcome to Delaware--Only 15 more miles to New Jersey!

Welcome to Alabama--Place redneck joke here.

Welcome to Arizona--Golf carts not permitted on I-10.

Welcome to Montana--We dare you to do 'reasonable and prudent' on a winding 12% mountain grade.

Welcome to West Virginia--Our family trees may not fork, but our roads sure as hell do.

Welcome to Missouri--We have ways of making you mispronounce the letter 'i.'

Welcome to Maryland--The geographical Rorshach test.

Welcome to North Carolina--Thank you for smoking.

Welcome to Kentucky--Famous for fried chicken? Well duh, the state's shaped like a drumstick!

Welcome to New Jersey--You want a friend? Go to Pennsylvania!

Welcome to Wyoming--Our census bureau is located next door to the Maytag repairman.

Welcome to Colorado--Now go back to California!

Welcome to Washington--Now go back to California!

Welcome to Hawaii--Now how the hell did you drive here?

At one point I had one for all 50 states, but they're either too lame or I like the place too much to make fun of it. More to come...

Stiltzkin · 07-10-2003, 06:42 PM

w00t. Texas isn't on there. Hmm...

staggerlee · 07-10-2003, 07:47 PM

Hmmm... where do I start?

Welcome to Texas--where all 5'2" women are 5'7".

Welcome to Texas--We no longer execute retards.

Welcome to Texas--Our children is learning to read.

Welcome to Texas--Former Home of George W. Bush... and Sammy Sosa.

Welcome to Texas--All of the ignorance of the South with none of the modesty!

Welcome to Texas--If you're just passing through, you better have one hell of an arm.

I had a hard time choosing just one--I figure since there are so many roads that cross into that state, we can use 'em all.

These are meant in jest and hopefully everyone takes 'em that way... I am from Florida remember!

TerresqueÜ · 07-15-2003, 09:18 AM

Q. Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A. It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Regziever · 07-15-2003, 09:21 AM

lol! Right on!

Keg-o-Grog · 07-15-2003, 09:50 AM

CSflim · 07-15-2003, 10:08 AM

Bwahahahahhahaha!

Oh that was beautiful!!!!

Dilbert1234567 · 07-15-2003, 11:48 AM

you know why the ladies all like jesus?

Cause he's hung like this (spread arms wide as if crusified but leavind hads turned in to show size)

Pellaz · 07-15-2003, 01:34 PM

Jesus walks into an inn and says to the innkeeper, "Can you put me up for the night?"

During the plague of the WWJD bracelts, I had a friend who would randomly run up and shout in a painiced voice "OK YOUR NAILED TO A CROSS..."

merkerguitars · 07-15-2003, 03:58 PM

Thats so horrible yet so funny....lol good one!

epictetus · 07-16-2003, 12:30 AM

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

TIO · 07-16-2003, 02:20 AM

Brilliant work, mate!

icy_ca · 07-16-2003, 05:11 AM

and clean! I can tell these to my kids, mostly.

PayUp · 07-16-2003, 03:41 PM

some good ones in there

clifclav · 07-17-2003, 11:08 AM

some groaners and some good ones. thanks

icy_ca · 07-17-2003, 12:04 PM

I thank you for that. Now I won't be the only one burning in hell for telling Jesus jokes.

Raw Kuts · 07-17-2003, 03:53 PM

heh, good one

Raw Kuts · 07-17-2003, 04:04 PM

great list man. kudos

cchris · 07-17-2003, 05:32 PM

Excellent list of funnies

Glad-I-Ate-Her · 07-17-2003, 07:18 PM

Good list. Some classics there.

Glad

Flesh · 07-17-2003, 07:37 PM

hahaha, good ones.

eyeronic · 07-17-2003, 08:50 PM

Q. What did the dumb guy say when he stubbed his toe?

A. Nothing.

hawkeye · 07-17-2003, 11:40 PM

those are great, thanks.

AnUnkind · 07-18-2003, 12:46 AM

Haha, man I have had teachers that would tell jokes exactly like this all the time. Most were funny like these are, others brought pain to my right eyeball...

TheClarkster · 07-18-2003, 01:15 AM

Number 14 is the best.

crackpot · 07-18-2003, 10:19 AM

Interesting Use Of Capitals In That Post, Lol.
But really, thanks for posting, I liked 'em all. The groanier the better, I always say. Well, I never say it. Whatever. Thanks again.

crackpot · 07-18-2003, 10:22 AM

Yeah, good ones, all. Sacrilarious!

Gortexfogg · 07-18-2003, 10:39 AM

Hahaha! Amen to that joke.

joebopp · 07-18-2003, 05:04 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke a little reef ,
Jack got high pulled down his fly and Jill said where's the beef !

Eviltree · 07-18-2003, 07:02 PM

those were good, in a bad way.

o14real · 07-18-2003, 07:41 PM

Ha ha ha thats a funny one

H12 · 07-18-2003, 08:42 PM

Ouch...What Would Jesus Say about a joke like that?!? LOL...those are pretty horribly funny though.

loganmule · 07-18-2003, 10:03 PM

I may go to hell for this, but I got a kick out of the joke

bastit · 07-18-2003, 11:30 PM

its funny cause its true

07-05-2003, 05:35 AM	#81 (permalink)
Cumhachd Upright	Incompatibility can be a good thing! The man has income, and the woman is pattable. My math teacher gave me this one. __________________ Sorry, I can only exorcise clam spirits. EbichuMAAN! From the dark end of the dark has been chosen for disipline, from the moon to the stars, no one knows what a justice and earnest shopkeeper then today, the justice maker in tonight by the way, they call it: Ebichuman.

07-07-2003, 06:07 PM	#82 (permalink)
jets Insane	q: What do you call a smart blonde? a: A golden retriever __________________ Hey. Wasn't Me. Last edited by jets; 07-07-2003 at 06:13 PM..

07-07-2003, 08:07 PM	#83 (permalink)
lheck66 Upright Location: atlanta	about a car What the difference between a corvette and a porcupine? The pricks are in the inside.

07-07-2003, 10:04 PM	#84 (permalink)
oblar Über-Rookie Location: No longer, D.C	hehe tents fingers excellent __________________ "All that we can do is just survive. .All that we can do to help ourselves is stay alive." - Rush

07-09-2003, 08:02 PM	#87 (permalink)
staggerlee Tilted Location: Denver, CO	Truthful State Welcome Signs (I apologize if a few of these are a bit esoteric...) Welcome to Georgia--Yes, we know it's actually Florida on your mind, but hey, can't blame us for tryin'! Welcome to Florida--Where the water's brown and the hair's blue. Welcome to Delaware--Only 15 more miles to New Jersey! Welcome to Alabama--Place redneck joke here. Welcome to Arizona--Golf carts not permitted on I-10. Welcome to Montana--We dare you to do 'reasonable and prudent' on a winding 12% mountain grade. Welcome to West Virginia--Our family trees may not fork, but our roads sure as hell do. Welcome to Missouri--We have ways of making you mispronounce the letter 'i.' Welcome to Maryland--The geographical Rorshach test. Welcome to North Carolina--Thank you for smoking. Welcome to Kentucky--Famous for fried chicken? Well duh, the state's shaped like a drumstick! Welcome to New Jersey--You want a friend? Go to Pennsylvania! Welcome to Wyoming--Our census bureau is located next door to the Maytag repairman. Welcome to Colorado--Now go back to California! Welcome to Washington--Now go back to California! Welcome to Hawaii--Now how the hell did you drive here? At one point I had one for all 50 states, but they're either too lame or I like the place too much to make fun of it. More to come... __________________ Now I punish you like you punish Bud Light!

07-08-2003, 11:08 AM	#85 (permalink)
Snakeyes Loser Location: Toronto	The punchline really should have been "On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside" And by the way this has been posted except with a BMW. Please search first.

07-09-2003, 07:43 PM	#86 (permalink)
Daystrom Upright	I got every single one of those jokes. That sad thing is, i heard a BUNCH of them before this thread was created... soo.. uhh.. someone's got some 'splainin' to do.

07-10-2003, 06:42 PM	#88 (permalink)
Stiltzkin Junkie	w00t. Texas isn't on there. Hmm... __________________ The most important thing in this world is love.

07-10-2003, 07:47 PM	#89 (permalink)
staggerlee Tilted Location: Denver, CO	Hmmm... where do I start? Welcome to Texas--where all 5'2" women are 5'7". Welcome to Texas--We no longer execute retards. Welcome to Texas--Our children is learning to read. Welcome to Texas--Former Home of George W. Bush... and Sammy Sosa. Welcome to Texas--All of the ignorance of the South with none of the modesty! Welcome to Texas--If you're just passing through, you better have one hell of an arm. I had a hard time choosing just one--I figure since there are so many roads that cross into that state, we can use 'em all. These are meant in jest and hopefully everyone takes 'em that way... I am from Florida remember! __________________ Now I punish you like you punish Bud Light!

07-15-2003, 09:18 AM	#90 (permalink)
TerresqueÜ Hiding Out	The most terrible Jesus joke ever! Q. Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A. It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus. __________________ Say yes to the 'Tilted Roleplaying' Forum http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1932&highlight=petition

07-15-2003, 09:21 AM	#91 (permalink)
Regziever Sexy eh? Location: Sweden	lol! Right on! __________________ Life is shit, Death is even worse, So what's the point of killing yourself? /Ignatius Camryn Paladine

07-15-2003, 09:50 AM	#92 (permalink)
Keg-o-Grog Insane Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.	hah __________________ I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you.

07-15-2003, 10:08 AM	#93 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	Bwahahahahhahaha! Oh that was beautiful!!!! __________________

07-15-2003, 11:48 AM	#94 (permalink)
Dilbert1234567 Devils Cabana Boy Location: Central Coast CA	you know why the ladies all like jesus? Cause he's hung like this (spread arms wide as if crusified but leavind hads turned in to show size) __________________ Donate Blood! "Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

07-15-2003, 01:34 PM	#95 (permalink)
Pellaz Addict Location: Texas	Jesus walks into an inn and says to the innkeeper, "Can you put me up for the night?" During the plague of the WWJD bracelts, I had a friend who would randomly run up and shout in a painiced voice "OK YOUR NAILED TO A CROSS..." __________________ " ' Big Mouth. Remember it took three of you to kill me. A god, a boy, and, last and least, a hero.' "

07-15-2003, 03:58 PM	#96 (permalink)
merkerguitars Buffering......... Location: Wisconsin...	Thats so horrible yet so funny....lol good one! __________________ Donate now! Ask me How! Please use the search function it is your friend. Look at my mustang please feel free to comment! http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=26985

07-16-2003, 02:20 AM	#98 (permalink)
TIO Addict Location: The Land Down Under	Brilliant work, mate! __________________ Strewth

07-16-2003, 03:41 PM	#100 (permalink)
PayUp DILLIGAF Location: AZ	some good ones in there __________________ Born to Lose.

07-17-2003, 11:08 AM	#101 (permalink)
clifclav absolute relativist Location: D.C.	some groaners and some good ones. thanks __________________ Neither rain , nor cold, nor dark of night shall.......ahh whatever, just get me a beer!

07-16-2003, 12:30 AM	#97 (permalink)
epictetus Upright	a fine collection of absolutely dumb jokes 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

07-16-2003, 05:11 AM	#99 (permalink)
icy_ca Insane Location: Steel Town, Ontario	and clean! I can tell these to my kids, mostly. __________________ After all is said and done, more is said than done.

07-17-2003, 12:04 PM	#102 (permalink)
icy_ca Insane Location: Steel Town, Ontario	I thank you for that. Now I won't be the only one burning in hell for telling Jesus jokes. __________________ After all is said and done, more is said than done.

07-17-2003, 03:53 PM	#103 (permalink)
Raw Kuts Insane Location: San Diego, CA	heh, good one __________________ ( o< --!"Take that bass out you're voice, you talk to me in treble." / / \ \/_/_ -->Mos Def

07-17-2003, 04:04 PM	#104 (permalink)
Raw Kuts Insane Location: San Diego, CA	great list man. kudos __________________ ( o< --!"Take that bass out you're voice, you talk to me in treble." / / \ \/_/_ -->Mos Def

07-17-2003, 05:32 PM	#105 (permalink)
cchris Junkie Location: Sydney	Excellent list of funnies __________________ There's a fine line between participation and mockery

07-17-2003, 07:18 PM	#106 (permalink)
Glad-I-Ate-Her Junkie Location: 1 mile from Ground Zero	Good list. Some classics there. Glad __________________ I'm "Glad I Ate Her" because the payback was worth it!!

07-17-2003, 07:37 PM	#107 (permalink)
Flesh Psycho	hahaha, good ones.

07-17-2003, 08:50 PM	#108 (permalink)
eyeronic I run E. Location: New York	Q. What did the dumb guy say when he stubbed his toe? A. Nothing. __________________ I hold with those that favor fire.

07-17-2003, 11:40 PM	#109 (permalink)
hawkeye back from sabbatical Location: Mosptopia	those are great, thanks. __________________ You're not fat, You're just a giant ball of love, covered in anger.

07-18-2003, 12:46 AM	#110 (permalink)
AnUnkind Crazy Location: INCONUS	Haha, man I have had teachers that would tell jokes exactly like this all the time. Most were funny like these are, others brought pain to my right eyeball... __________________ yeah, you SHOULD feel stupid....

07-18-2003, 01:15 AM	#111 (permalink)
TheClarkster Very Proud of Ya Location: Simi Valley, CA	Number 14 is the best. __________________ Do not speak Latin in front of the books.

07-18-2003, 10:19 AM	#112 (permalink)
crackpot Junkie Location: Montreal	Interesting Use Of Capitals In That Post, Lol. But really, thanks for posting, I liked 'em all. The groanier the better, I always say. Well, I never say it. Whatever. Thanks again.

07-18-2003, 10:22 AM	#113 (permalink)
crackpot Junkie Location: Montreal	Yeah, good ones, all. Sacrilarious!

07-18-2003, 10:39 AM	#114 (permalink)
Gortexfogg I and I Location: Stillwater, OK	Hahaha! Amen to that joke.

07-18-2003, 05:04 PM	#115 (permalink)
joebopp Upright	rhyme Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke a little reef , Jack got high pulled down his fly and Jill said where's the beef !

07-18-2003, 07:02 PM	#116 (permalink)
Eviltree Psycho Location: British Columbia	those were good, in a bad way.

07-18-2003, 07:41 PM	#117 (permalink)
o14real Insane	Ha ha ha thats a funny one

07-18-2003, 08:42 PM	#118 (permalink)
H12 I'm not about getting creamed, I'm about winning! Location: K-Town, TN	Ouch...What Would Jesus Say about a joke like that?!? LOL...those are pretty horribly funny though. __________________ "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." --Aristotle

07-18-2003, 10:03 PM	#119 (permalink)
loganmule Junkie Location: midwest	I may go to hell for this, but I got a kick out of the joke