All your one liners and Q&A's go here - Page 9 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

tokaok · 11-08-2003, 02:45 AM

they cant elope.

my bro got that one just passing it along.

Peetster · 11-08-2003, 03:09 AM

ugh.

And yet, strangely, I'll no doubt repeat it. Thanks.

Keg-o-Grog · 11-08-2003, 03:14 AM

i didnt get it

MooseMan3000 · 11-08-2003, 07:03 AM

"Can't elope."

"Cantelope"

JadziaDax · 11-08-2003, 07:12 AM

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam.

Glad-I-Ate-Her · 11-09-2003, 08:21 PM

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin=20
Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who
has the biggest tits?
The blonde because she's 18.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Three words womem hate to hear when having sex
"Honey, I'm home!"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

Glad

SSJwrestler · 11-09-2003, 10:37 PM

hilarious, these are some of the funniest i have heard

JadziaDax · 11-11-2003, 02:30 AM

A smooth lie is better than a distorted truth.

cJoe · 11-11-2003, 11:24 AM

I got a sweater for Christmas. What I wanted was a moaner or a screemer.

Crack · 11-15-2003, 03:26 PM

The only rule in this joke is that you have to retell it to someone out loud, it really dosen't make any sense unless you say it. Enough for the build up...

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: Fhsssssss

WARNING: People might hit you after hearing this joke.

ickma · 11-15-2003, 10:00 PM

Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

and...

I plan on living forever, so far so good.

jonknees · 11-16-2003, 06:22 PM

whats the differnce between a blonde and a washer machine?
you can throw a load in the washer and it wont chase you around for a week...

Boo · 11-16-2003, 07:54 PM

Whats the difference between a girl from ND and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after the third period.

Whats the difference between a girl from ND and a bowling ball?

You could eat a bowling ball if you had to..... or

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.... or

You can get a bowling ball out of the gutter.

Tophat665 · 11-16-2003, 08:35 PM

Some blonde jokes:

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot

How can you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the lawn.

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 130?
A foursome.

How many blondes does it take to fuck the Cinncinati Bengals?
Just one. Boomer Esiason.

and some tastelss celebrity jokes about people no one remembers:

How is Klaus von Beulow like Clarence Birdseye?
They both have a lot of money tied up in vegetables.

Have you heard about Waldheims disease? It's when you get old and forget you were a Nazi.

What kind of Tennis racket doesn't float?
A Wilson.

There was a drink that was briefly popular on Mediterranean cruise ships in the '80s. It was called the Klinghoffer: 2 shots and a splash.

And one just sick:

What's black and white and red all over and has trouble with revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.

SSJwrestler · 11-17-2003, 09:08 PM

Where do one-legged people go to eat?

IHOP

Sensei · 11-18-2003, 07:00 PM

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts!

mr sticky · 11-18-2003, 07:49 PM

Hey guys, what can jelly beans do that men can't?

Come in multiple flavors!

taliendo · 11-20-2003, 01:59 AM

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

A: Not being fucking retarded. . . .

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A: Quarter Pounder w/ cheese!!!!
You'll never eat McDino's the same!!! HAHAHA

SSJwrestler · 11-20-2003, 09:23 AM

How do you get a Pikachu on a bus?

You Poke-him-on

jimk · 11-20-2003, 10:11 AM

how do you know when it's bedtime at the neverland ranch??

-when the little hand touches the big hand.........

creeeepy.

tritium · 11-20-2003, 10:22 PM

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

Have a tiger bite it's neck.

skier · 11-22-2003, 04:17 PM

Thought this up at work, thought it may be worth a chuckle

Where do two strangers go to have sex?

A condominimum.

Eviltree · 11-25-2003, 05:58 PM

what sleeps on the table?

a NAP-kin

Chemical Smoo · 11-28-2003, 03:24 PM

Some funny stuff here. Gotta write some of these down.

JadziaDax · 11-30-2003, 10:30 AM

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

danbiles · 12-02-2003, 12:09 PM

I called in sick to work the other day. My boss said you don't sound sick. I said, "I'm fucking my sister, does that sound sick enough?"

JadziaDax · 12-03-2003, 04:14 AM

First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

SSJwrestler · 12-03-2003, 10:39 AM

Why is something you're looking for always in the last place you look for it?

Because after you find it, you stop looking.

absorbentishe · 12-03-2003, 11:48 AM

Rim shot... That's bad.

Keg-o-Grog · 12-03-2003, 01:37 PM

aaah... that was bad, but i still like it. hahaw

macmanmike6100 · 12-03-2003, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by alpha
Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's
mouth?

A: Einstein's penis.

hope this doesn't offend anyone

HILARIOUS! I admire Einstein even more!

JadziaDax · 12-04-2003, 02:08 AM

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Zooksport2 · 12-04-2003, 03:30 AM

"quote" Jewish dilemma... FREE PORK...

Laughed my head off!

thanks for that 1, Glad-I-Ate-Her

JadziaDax · 12-04-2003, 03:18 PM

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

doodah · 12-05-2003, 12:39 AM

how do you drown a blonde?

tell ehr theres a scrach and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

JadziaDax · 12-05-2003, 02:36 AM

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

dover, ben · 12-09-2003, 11:04 PM

Whaddya call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter it can't come.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.

Whaddya call a dog with two legs?
Scooter.

cornerpiece · 12-12-2003, 09:15 PM

Howdya call a dog on three legs?
Ya can't, it's busy!

Howdya call a dog on one leg?
Just like ya usually do, then wipe the doggie do offa ya shoe.

bravo49 · 12-18-2003, 02:04 AM

All those were great.

Q) Why can't women count to 70?

A) 69 is too much of a mouthful

blizzak · 12-21-2003, 11:04 PM

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

The hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.

11-08-2003, 02:45 AM	#321 (permalink)
tokaok Crazy Location: Canada	What arent mellons allowed to do? they cant elope. my bro got that one just passing it along.

11-08-2003, 03:14 AM	#323 (permalink)
Keg-o-Grog Insane Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.	i didnt get it __________________ I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you.

11-09-2003, 08:21 PM	#326 (permalink)
Glad-I-Ate-Her Junkie Location: 1 mile from Ground Zero	Classic Quickies... When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling! What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? You know she'll swallow. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.' What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic! Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut! Jewish dilemma: Free PORK. What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin=20 Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish. How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits? The blonde because she's 18. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?" Three words womem hate to hear when having sex "Honey, I'm home!" Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Did you hear about the new "Blonde" paint? It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons. Glad __________________ I'm "Glad I Ate Her" because the payback was worth it!!

11-11-2003, 11:24 AM	#329 (permalink)
cJoe Insane	I got a sweater for Christmas. What I wanted was a moaner or a screemer. __________________ I've got plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it. ...Calvin

11-15-2003, 03:26 PM	#330 (permalink)
Crack Misanthropic Location: Ohio! yay!	Fhssss The only rule in this joke is that you have to retell it to someone out loud, it really dosen't make any sense unless you say it. Enough for the build up... Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: Fhsssssss WARNING: People might hit you after hearing this joke. __________________ Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex. ~Halx

11-08-2003, 03:09 AM	#322 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	ugh. And yet, strangely, I'll no doubt repeat it. Thanks.

11-08-2003, 07:03 AM	#324 (permalink)
MooseMan3000 wouldn't mind being a ninja. Location: Maine, the Other White State.	"Can't elope." "Cantelope"

11-08-2003, 07:12 AM	#325 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	What do you get when two giraffes collide? A giraffic jam.

11-09-2003, 10:37 PM	#327 (permalink)
SSJwrestler Banned Location: Davidson, NC/ Manassas, VA	hilarious, these are some of the funniest i have heard

11-11-2003, 02:30 AM	#328 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	A smooth lie is better than a distorted truth.

11-15-2003, 10:00 PM	#331 (permalink)
ickma Insane Location: Toronto	Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls. and... I plan on living forever, so far so good.

11-16-2003, 06:22 PM	#332 (permalink)
jonknees Upright Location: daytona beach	here my best whats the differnce between a blonde and a washer machine? you can throw a load in the washer and it wont chase you around for a week... __________________ big dog

11-16-2003, 07:54 PM	#333 (permalink)
Boo Leave me alone! Location: Alaska, USA	Whats the difference between a girl from ND and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after the third period. Whats the difference between a girl from ND and a bowling ball? You could eat a bowling ball if you had to..... or You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.... or You can get a bowling ball out of the gutter.

11-16-2003, 08:35 PM	#334 (permalink)
Tophat665 Minion of the scaléd ones Location: Northeast Jesusland	Some blonde jokes: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot How can you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the lawn. How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette. What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 130? A foursome. How many blondes does it take to fuck the Cinncinati Bengals? Just one. Boomer Esiason. and some tastelss celebrity jokes about people no one remembers: How is Klaus von Beulow like Clarence Birdseye? They both have a lot of money tied up in vegetables. Have you heard about Waldheims disease? It's when you get old and forget you were a Nazi. What kind of Tennis racket doesn't float? A Wilson. There was a drink that was briefly popular on Mediterranean cruise ships in the '80s. It was called the Klinghoffer: 2 shots and a splash. And one just sick: What's black and white and red all over and has trouble with revolving doors? A nun with a spear through her head. __________________ Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

11-17-2003, 09:08 PM	#335 (permalink)
SSJwrestler Banned Location: Davidson, NC/ Manassas, VA	Where do one-legged people go to eat? IHOP

11-25-2003, 05:58 PM	#343 (permalink)
Eviltree Psycho Location: British Columbia	what sleeps on the table? a NAP-kin

12-03-2003, 11:48 AM	#349 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	Rim shot... That's bad.

11-18-2003, 07:00 PM	#336 (permalink)
Sensei Black Belt in Slacking Off Location: Portland Or-ah-gun	There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts! __________________ Slacking off with style since 1981.

11-18-2003, 07:49 PM	#337 (permalink)
mr sticky Psycho Location: NC	Hey guys, what can jelly beans do that men can't? Come in multiple flavors! __________________ The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

11-20-2003, 01:59 AM	#338 (permalink)
taliendo Insane Location: an indelible crawl through the gutters	Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics? A: Not being fucking retarded. . . . Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: Quarter Pounder w/ cheese!!!! You'll never eat McDino's the same!!! HAHAHA __________________ -LIFE IS ABSURD-

11-20-2003, 09:23 AM	#339 (permalink)
SSJwrestler Banned Location: Davidson, NC/ Manassas, VA	How do you get a Pikachu on a bus? You Poke-him-on

11-20-2003, 10:11 AM	#340 (permalink)
jimk Addict Location: Chicago	king of pop how do you know when it's bedtime at the neverland ranch?? -when the little hand touches the big hand......... creeeepy. __________________ raw power is a guaranteed o.d. raw power is a laughin' at you & me -iggy

11-20-2003, 10:22 PM	#341 (permalink)
tritium Professor of Drinkology	Fruits into Vegetables ... not PC How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Have a tiger bite it's neck. __________________ Blah.

11-22-2003, 04:17 PM	#342 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	Thought this up at work, thought it may be worth a chuckle Where do two strangers go to have sex? A condominimum. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

11-28-2003, 03:24 PM	#344 (permalink)
Chemical Smoo Crazy	Some funny stuff here. Gotta write some of these down.

11-30-2003, 10:30 AM	#345 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

12-02-2003, 12:09 PM	#346 (permalink)
danbiles Upright	I called in sick to work the other day. My boss said you don't sound sick. I said, "I'm fucking my sister, does that sound sick enough?"

12-03-2003, 04:14 AM	#347 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

12-03-2003, 10:39 AM	#348 (permalink)
SSJwrestler Banned Location: Davidson, NC/ Manassas, VA	riddle Why is something you're looking for always in the last place you look for it? Because after you find it, you stop looking.

12-03-2003, 01:37 PM	#350 (permalink)
Keg-o-Grog Insane Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.	aaah... that was bad, but i still like it. hahaw __________________ I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you.

12-04-2003, 02:08 AM	#352 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	A closed mouth gathers no feet.

12-04-2003, 03:30 AM	#353 (permalink)
Zooksport2 Casual... Real Casual Location: Orstraylia	"quote" Jewish dilemma... FREE PORK... Laughed my head off! thanks for that 1, Glad-I-Ate-Her __________________ "And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but your older, shorter of breath, and one day closer to death" ...pink floyd

12-04-2003, 03:18 PM	#354 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

12-05-2003, 12:39 AM	#355 (permalink)
doodah Tilted Location: somewhere over the fucking rainbow	how do you drown a blonde? tell ehr theres a scrach and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool __________________ sometimes.. we all just gotta rock out with our cock out and hang out with our wang out... its just how it is....

12-05-2003, 02:36 AM	#356 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

12-09-2003, 11:04 PM	#357 (permalink)
dover, ben Upright	Whaddya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter it can't come. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it. Whaddya call a dog with two legs? Scooter.

12-12-2003, 09:15 PM	#358 (permalink)
cornerpiece Insane	Howdya call a dog on three legs? Ya can't, it's busy! Howdya call a dog on one leg? Just like ya usually do, then wipe the doggie do offa ya shoe.