All your one liners and Q&A's go here - Page 14 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Ballzor · 06-30-2005, 06:50 AM

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
-because she was a woman

What do you get when you throw a grenade in a kitchen
-Linolium Blownapart

drewpy · 06-30-2005, 07:09 AM

let's try one in spanish ..

Que hace el pesce en el mar? Nada

drewpy · 06-30-2005, 10:09 AM

here's one i saw and liked for the techno in all of us ...

there are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't ...

Johnny Pyro · 07-03-2005, 03:41 AM

What did the ghost say to the bee?

BOO BEE!...............HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
sorry

bobophil · 07-04-2005, 11:13 AM

O.K.

Two guys walked into a bar and a third one ducked.

*Patrick-esque voice" AHAHAHA, It's like... a pun or something!

Mantus · 07-04-2005, 01:45 PM

Survey shows that minesweaping draws the most dilligent and precise individuals of any proffecion with employees averaging only one mistake per career.

DEI37 · 07-04-2005, 02:14 PM

They say money can't buy happiness, and they're right. Happiness is however, a free gift that comes with money!

LoganSnake · 07-04-2005, 09:20 PM

Can someby explain this "joke" to me?

"Two guys walk into a bar, third one ducks"

I cannot get it for the life of me.

Ishmal · 07-04-2005, 10:20 PM

as in a steel bar.

ColonelSpecial · 07-05-2005, 12:14 AM

So I had a friend translate the spanish one for me. He didn't get it and therefore neither did I. So please, a little help....

bobophil · 07-06-2005, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

Can someby explain this "joke" to me?

"Two guys walk into a bar, third one ducks"

I cannot get it for the life of me.

OK, go back to 8th grade English... Remember a 'pun'? It is a word that says one thing, but means another one and is a literary device.

The joke is simply playing with the word 'bar'. Two guys walked into a bar (a saloon/tavern type bar) and a third one ducked. [under the bar (pole)]

[under the bar...] = added to joke.

bobophil · 07-08-2005, 02:41 PM

woo hoo! double post

I was thinking and i came up with this...

Dueling is the only game where no-one fights over who won.

and please, no "well, if they both missed..." I'm just happy i made something funny.

gilbert- · 07-09-2005, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drewpy

here's one i saw and liked for the techno in all of us ...

there are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't ...

I've read this joke a few times now and I can't figure it out, anyone care to explain it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by warrrreagl

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children

This one provoked a laugh from me, nice one.

shakran · 07-10-2005, 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gilbert-

I've read this joke a few times now and I can't figure it out, anyone care to explain it?

10 is 2 in bianary.

eyeronic · 07-10-2005, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColonelSpecial

So I had a friend translate the spanish one for me. He didn't get it and therefore neither did I. So please, a little help....

Nada means both nothing and swimming as in the 3rd person singular of nadar.

muckluck · 07-23-2005, 07:20 PM

Q: What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

A: Nice Belt!

politicophile · 08-09-2005, 10:11 AM

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor?

A: Matt

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water?

A: Bob

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?

A: Art

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?

A: Phil

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bushes?

A: Russell

deri · 08-12-2005, 05:32 PM

Q: How do canadians count to three?

A: One, eh, Two, eh, Three, eh...

Menoman · 08-29-2005, 01:16 AM

why did hitler kill himself?

he got the gas bill

rmarshall · 08-30-2005, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by politicophile

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor?

A: Matt

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water?

A: Bob

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?

A: Art

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?

A: Phil

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bushes?

A: Russell

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?

A: Doug

Any more?

boo_radley · 08-31-2005, 02:00 PM

What's the difference between a tribe of Pigmies and a girl's track team?

The Pigmies are a bunch of cunning runts...

boo_radley · 08-31-2005, 02:01 PM

What's the difference between counterfeit money and a skinny woman?

The counterfeit money is a phony buck...

djflish · 09-01-2005, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rmarshall

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?

A: Doug

Any more?

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a seagull sitting on his head?

Cliff!

djflish · 09-10-2005, 07:53 AM

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
In a rack!

"Doctor, I feel like a Teepee and a Marquee"
"Relax, you're too tense!"

leftyderek · 09-20-2005, 09:23 PM

Where is the British cannibal festival held?

Liverpool.

...tried to make a good one up but failed.

Gnoll · 09-22-2005, 11:26 AM

Alright, so my girlfriends dad told me this one last night...

What do british beers and elephants have in common?

Both come in pints.

pyreglow · 09-22-2005, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alpha

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's
mouth?

A: Einstein's penis.

hope this doesn't offend anyone

HAHAHAHA... that's awesome.

Zyr · 10-11-2005, 07:19 AM

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts

I'm a Psuedomasochist, pretend to spank me.

A priest turn to a rabbi, and says "Did you here the one about us?"

A polar bear walks into a bar with a penguin under one arm, and a 3 foot salami under the other.
(Sorry, in-joke. All the Mechwarrior 4 fans are groaning though)

Redlemon · 10-11-2005, 07:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zyr

A man walks into a bar with a penguin under one arm, and a 3 foot salami under the other.
(Sorry, in-joke. All the Mechwarrior 4 fans are groaning though)

*ahem* try the Breakfast Club. Also, see thread: Tilted Forum Project - Seeking a specific joke

sadistikdreams · 10-21-2005, 02:11 PM

why does snoop dogg need an umbrella?

fo drizzle

BigBen · 10-21-2005, 02:15 PM

How does Snoop Dogg keep his whites their whitest?

Lots and Lots of Bleee-atch.

(sounds cooler when you say it)

Brewmaniac · 10-24-2005, 06:10 PM

Back in the mid 70's I remember watching Johnny Carson and seeing Tony Randle ask Johnny "what's the difference between a Stick-up and a Hold-up Tony replied "Age""

Zyr · 11-03-2005, 03:26 AM

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre, so the barman gives her one.

Jinn · 11-10-2005, 08:22 AM

Searching for porn on the internet is like searching for hay in a haystack..

killinspiders · 11-28-2005, 05:43 AM

Q: What do you call a bull that ate a bunch of dynamite?
A: Abominable!

Q: What do you call the same bull when the dynamite goes off?
A: Noble!

killinspiders · 11-29-2005, 05:12 AM

Life is an incurable, 100% fatal sexually transmitted disease!

killinspiders · 11-29-2005, 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zooksport2

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Does this mean you don't exist either?

killinspiders · 11-30-2005, 05:31 AM

Apparently everyone is bored with THIS thread.

Leto · 11-30-2005, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crooky

Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex?

A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

wow.. that's soo eeerie... how did you know?

dover, ben · 11-30-2005, 03:00 PM

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you next month.

06-30-2005, 07:09 AM	#522 (permalink)
drewpy Crazy Location: Chicago-ish	let's try one in spanish .. Que hace el pesce en el mar? Nada __________________ "Once made equal to a man, woman becomes his superior." Socrates

06-30-2005, 10:09 AM	#523 (permalink)
drewpy Crazy Location: Chicago-ish	here's one i saw and liked for the techno in all of us ... there are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't ... __________________ "Once made equal to a man, woman becomes his superior." Socrates

07-04-2005, 11:13 AM	#525 (permalink)
bobophil Tilted	O.K. Two guys walked into a bar and a third one ducked. *Patrick-esque voice" AHAHAHA, It's like... a pun or something! __________________ Check and mate, now king me. -Homer

07-04-2005, 02:14 PM	#527 (permalink)
DEI37 Go faster! Location: Wisconsin	They say money can't buy happiness, and they're right. Happiness is however, a free gift that comes with money! __________________ Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

07-04-2005, 09:20 PM	#528 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	Can someby explain this "joke" to me? "Two guys walk into a bar, third one ducks" I cannot get it for the life of me. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

07-03-2005, 03:41 AM	#524 (permalink)
Johnny Pyro Hey Now! Location: Massachusetts (Redneck, white boy town. I hate it here.)	What did the ghost say to the bee? BOO BEE!...............HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! sorry

07-04-2005, 01:45 PM	#526 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	Survey shows that minesweaping draws the most dilligent and precise individuals of any proffecion with employees averaging only one mistake per career.

07-04-2005, 10:20 PM	#529 (permalink)
Ishmal Wicked Clown Location: House Of Horrors	as in a steel bar. __________________ "Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

07-05-2005, 12:14 AM	#530 (permalink)
ColonelSpecial Insane	So I had a friend translate the spanish one for me. He didn't get it and therefore neither did I. So please, a little help.... __________________ "Mommy, the presidents are squishing me!" "Using the pull out method of contraceptive is like saying I won't use a seat belt, I'll just jump out of the car before it hits that tree." Sara

07-08-2005, 02:41 PM	#532 (permalink)
bobophil Tilted	woo hoo! double post I was thinking and i came up with this... Dueling is the only game where no-one fights over who won. and please, no "well, if they both missed..." I'm just happy i made something funny. __________________ Check and mate, now king me. -Homer

07-23-2005, 07:20 PM	#536 (permalink)
muckluck Psycho	Q: What did the number 0 say to the number 8? A: Nice Belt! __________________

08-09-2005, 10:11 AM	#537 (permalink)
politicophile Addict	Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor? A: Matt Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? A: Bob Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall? A: Art Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch? A: Phil Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bushes? A: Russell __________________ The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty Last edited by politicophile; 08-09-2005 at 10:14 AM..

08-12-2005, 05:32 PM	#538 (permalink)
deri Tilted	Q: How do canadians count to three? A: One, eh, Two, eh, Three, eh...

08-31-2005, 02:00 PM	#541 (permalink)
boo_radley Upright	What's the difference between a tribe of Pigmies and a girl's track team? The Pigmies are a bunch of cunning runts...

08-31-2005, 02:01 PM	#542 (permalink)
boo_radley Upright	What's the difference between counterfeit money and a skinny woman? The counterfeit money is a phony buck...

09-10-2005, 07:53 AM	#544 (permalink)
djflish The Mighty Boosh Location: I mostly come out at night, mostly...	Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In a rack! "Doctor, I feel like a Teepee and a Marquee" "Relax, you're too tense!" __________________ Europes two great narcotics, Alcohol and Christianity. I know which one I prefer.

09-20-2005, 09:23 PM	#545 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	Where is the British cannibal festival held? Liverpool. ...tried to make a good one up but failed.

09-22-2005, 11:26 AM	#546 (permalink)
Gnoll Upright Location: Boone, NC	Alright, so my girlfriends dad told me this one last night... What do british beers and elephants have in common? Both come in pints. __________________ lol internets

10-11-2005, 07:19 AM	#548 (permalink)
Zyr Crazy Location: Hamilton, NZ	What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts I'm a Psuedomasochist, pretend to spank me. A priest turn to a rabbi, and says "Did you here the one about us?" A polar bear walks into a bar with a penguin under one arm, and a 3 foot salami under the other. (Sorry, in-joke. All the Mechwarrior 4 fans are groaning though) __________________ "Oh, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83 when I was the only practitioner of it, and I stopped because I was tired of being stared at." Omnia mutantu, nos et mutamur in illis. All things change, and we change with them. - Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602 Last edited by Zyr; 10-11-2005 at 02:40 PM..

10-21-2005, 02:11 PM	#550 (permalink)
sadistikdreams lonely rolling star Location: Seattle.	why does snoop dogg need an umbrella? fo drizzle __________________ "Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials." -Lin Yutang hearts, by d.a.

10-21-2005, 02:15 PM	#551 (permalink)
BigBen Comedian Location: Use the search button	How does Snoop Dogg keep his whites their whitest? Lots and Lots of Bleee-atch. (sounds cooler when you say it) __________________ 3.141592654 Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

10-24-2005, 06:10 PM	#552 (permalink)
Brewmaniac Searching for the perfect brew!	Back in the mid 70's I remember watching Johnny Carson and seeing Tony Randle ask Johnny "what's the difference between a Stick-up and a Hold-up Tony replied "Age"" __________________ "That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

11-03-2005, 03:26 AM	#553 (permalink)
Zyr Crazy Location: Hamilton, NZ	A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre, so the barman gives her one. __________________ "Oh, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83 when I was the only practitioner of it, and I stopped because I was tired of being stared at." Omnia mutantu, nos et mutamur in illis. All things change, and we change with them. - Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602

11-10-2005, 08:22 AM	#554 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	Searching for porn on the internet is like searching for hay in a haystack.. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

11-28-2005, 05:43 AM	#555 (permalink)
killinspiders Upright Location: Montrose,Colorado	Dumb Q: What do you call a bull that ate a bunch of dynamite? A: Abominable! Q: What do you call the same bull when the dynamite goes off? A: Noble! Last edited by killinspiders; 11-29-2005 at 05:10 AM..

11-29-2005, 05:12 AM	#556 (permalink)
killinspiders Upright Location: Montrose,Colorado	HHHHHMMMM Life is an incurable, 100% fatal sexually transmitted disease!

11-30-2005, 05:31 AM	#558 (permalink)
killinspiders Upright Location: Montrose,Colorado	Apparently everyone is bored with THIS thread. __________________ Life is an incurable, 100% fatal, sexually transmitted disease.

11-30-2005, 03:00 PM	#560 (permalink)
dover, ben Upright	Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? A: See you next month.