danny_boy

Hey,

I have been married for 4 months. Great marriage, normal ups and downs, love her more than anything...

Problem:

I was extremely sexually active before her. Not only was I very active, but my partners were very diversified. (white, asian, black, fat, skinny, etc)

Now, when I got married I knew I'd miss the variety in my sex life, but the tradeoff of marrying my soul mate vs. diversified sex was a no-brainer..marriage.

4 months now, and while sex with wife is great, I miss the variety. I have done some pretty kinky things in my younger days, and would love to experience them again. obviously, these things involve more than 1 partner, so getting the wife to try them will not happen, which I 100% agree with.

I miss the sex I had with the different types of women. I used to have a thing for older women, and that is also now over with. Im sure many guys can relate, but sex with one woman is hard as hell, and I've only been married 4 months.

The question is, do I just need to grow up and stop thinking with my dick, or is there a deeper, more serious problem that I must address.

Thanks.

ShaniFaye

seems to me your soulmate would have been as into "diversification" (is that a word) as you.....like mine is, otherwise how can the honestly be your soulmate?

maybe I need a nap, but sounds to me like you need to tell your dick you fucked up and to be happy with what it gets

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Cynthetiq

this has been discussed in the Married but looking thread already

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...68#post1959668

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

flamingdog

I'd say you should talk it out with your wife and see what she says. There's no point whatsoever in bottling it up. And it's best that you talk it out with her before you get to the point of sticking it in some random female just for the sake of it. That's not going to end well.

If this is how you feel after only four months, I see a lot of hand-wringing for you in the future unless you deal with it.

NB - think very carefully about how you broach the topic.

World's King

I bet if you asked really nicely she'd let you bring a goat home.



Anyway... Just open up a line of communication. Over time she will pick up on what you like and want. You can't go the rest of your life yawning during sex. The best thing to do is find things that you both enjoy doing. You never know... she might invite a friend.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

SecretMethod70

If you don't mind my asking, how long did you date your wife exclusively before getting engaged? Your post makes it sound like not having sex with other people was a relatively new thing for you once you got married, in which case why did you get married without having already come to terms with the expectations? Did you discuss these feelings with your wife before getting married (or engaged even)? To be honest, it sounds like there isn't a lot of communication going on at all.

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

abaya

Damn, ShaniFaye is layin' it DOWN! She speaks the truth.

Really though man, that's a pretty major trade-off to make... soul mate vs. your sexual satisfaction? Those two things shouldn't be contradictory.. that's the whole nature of being a "soulmate." (Of course, I don't believe in soulmates, but if you do, it's gonna be a problem.)

Did you and your wife go over your sexual histories and expectations for your marriage, before you got married? Did she know that you might struggle with being a one-woman man? These are MAJOR components of communication in any healthy relationship... how long were you together before getting engaged, and married?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

flamingdog

Funny how communication keeps popping up.

danny_boy

We dated 3 years before we got married. Yes, once in a while, I would want sex with someone else, and I told her that. We bth shrugged it off as being a guy thing.

She knows everything about my sexual past, and knew everything before we got married. Now, we also discuss everything, so commnication is not the problem. We are completely open, and she knows exactly how I feel.

before marriage, I just shrugged everything off. Now, I have these thoughts quite often. She knows its not her, and she feels sad that I want these other things. We cannot seem to find a solution.

My conclusion is that I either have sex with many people, or be with one person that I love. Obviously the latter is my choice, I just dont know how to cope with the lack of the former.

Cynthetiq: The post you made reference to is completely different. I have never cheated on any girlfriend ever, or in my marriage, and would never.

abaya

So you didn't have these thoughts very often when you were dating for 3 years? What is it about marriage (since you say it's not her) that makes you unable to shrug off these thoughts anymore?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

danny_boy

I dont really know. I just didnt think of it as much as I do now. Perhaps because marriage is more binding then dating.

Cynthetiq

just remember that it's supposed to be the way that it is for the rest of your life, if you don't like it now, it's not going to magically get better.

if you've already talked to her about it before, well you should start those conversations again at a more serious level.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

danny_boy

I agree with you, but it comes down to this:

I love her more than anything...I love having sex with her.

I just need a way to stop my urges, the urges I have had since I was a teen, that have since escalated.

My wife knows this, and we cannot think of anything. we know it will not magically go away, we just need to come up with something to hinder my thoughts.

First and foremost, can some guys tell me whether its normal to get horny and excited for other women besides their significant others. Im not saying cheating, just getting aroused and fantasizing about others. I feel that is normal, and if people agree with me, how do I lessen these feelings.

Cynthetiq

maybe your wife can do some role play for you... dress up in different costumes like of country dress such as Chinese wear, Japanese wear etc. and try to speak with such accents...

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

ratbastid

Okay, I'm going to give you some advice as somebody who's been married (oh my God) 30 times longer than you have.

You're in what's called the "Newlywed Adjustment" phase of your relationship. You're still trying to figure out what the hell you've done, what it means, and how it's going to work for you for the rest of your life. It's normal. Took me about six months to start figuring it all out, and within a year or so I was rocking the married thing.

Here's the deal: right now your mind is playing tricks on you. Prompted by your sudden (to the mind) closure of other options, your desires and wishes are getting louder and louder. Somewhere in the back of your head, you always had an out until you actually had the ring on your finger. Now that the out is gone, and the automatic parts of you--the desires, mostly--are trying hard to get your attention.

It's fine. It's temporary. I can hear in what you've written that YOU'RE clear you made the right choice. Just tough it out. It will get better.

You're doing the right thing to stay in close communication with your wife about this. Make sure she knows you have zero intention to act on your desires. That's really important.

danny_boy

Hey Ratbastid:

Yes, she knows I would NEVER act on these desires. It feels great hearing this from someone in your position...someone to tell me this is normal, and not the worst thing in the world. That is exactly how I feel. i always had an out, now I don't, which is why everything is so escalated now. people have told me that the first year of marriage is the toughest for many reasons, this being one of them. It makes perfect sense, and while some may say I'm just happy now because I have been told what I have wanted to hear, that may be true, but that explanation seems the most logical given my specific situation

Craven Morehead

One question for you: Why are you asking us? If the majority said go ahead, get it on, would you? If we say you knew what you were getting into when you made the commitment, would you ignore your feelings? Somehow I don't think its as simple as either, just curious as to what you hoped to gain.

Justsomeguy

In response to what you're describing, it's perfectly normal. Why do you think our species has dominated for such a lengthy period of time now? Sex is the most practical and natural impulse for humans. But, if we acted on impulse alone, we would probably all be in a pretty screwed up world.

The important thing is, have you really thought about having sex with these other people? Or is it just a kinky fetish you think about to get off? If it's just a fetish, why not just masturbate? Or actually develop discipiline. My main concern is that problems like this often are a sign of other problems. I think you should ask yourself if you are mature enough to handle a relationship? Are you actually in love with your wife or was it just a comfort thing? Why is sex your primary concern?

danny_boy

Craven:

Im asking to get someone elses opinion. If you told me to go out and screw, I'd say thanks for your opinion, but I would not listen to you, because I cant do something like that. I simply wanted to share my situation, and see if people could relate, and if they had advice.

abaya

Interesting side-thought: I have always been a little worried that if someone hasn't been with many people (including myself and my bf), after getting married he or she might regret not having explored more beforehand.

However, your situation is making me realize that this does not have to be the case.. that it's a more individual thing. If someone has a LOT of experience before monogamy, it still might not stop him or her from wanting sex with other people after marriage. Likewise, maybe if someone hasn't had much experience, they might not regret it after all. It just depends on the individual and their needs.

That said, I think it's hard for some of us to give you advice because we each have our own biases and experiences. Ratbastid, as usual, probably gave the most honest and helpful advice since you seem to share many characteristics with him.

I am wondering, though, what your wife's experience was before she met you, and does she ever share her fantasies and attractions with you? My bf and I talk sometimes about whether someone is hot, or what porn we have been looking at, and the openness increases communication and reduces temptation, I think. But again, that's just us...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

SiN

nice post, abaya.

I too tend to believe that a bit of 'tasting' before settling is a good thing for many people (not all, of course, i suppose) .. I used to be in a relationship with someone much younger, whom i devirginized, and that was always a major concern of mine, that he would have that 'need' to 'diversify' at some point. totally normal, as far as i'm concerned.

and, continuing on your post .. I think for me, it did totally help - I slutted around for a few or more years, and I can honestly say it's 'out of my system'. sure, i would do it again, if the situation arose. but i don't need to.
not sure if this is perhaps a male/female difference tho.

also a valid question, abaya, about the OP's wife's experience ..

and of course, communication.

__________________

Martian

Alright, here's the deal.

These feelings, this wanting other people; it's not going to stop until you do. It's part of being human to want sex and to occasionally want sex with someone other than the person you're committed to. Being married and being in love is more about making that commitment not to let these thoughts get to you. You're not a bad person for having them and you're right in not following them. She's more important to you.

As ratbastid said, part of it is the newlywed phase, when you're just acclimating to the fact that you agreed to 'till death do us part'. That's a big commitment and even if you're sure it's the right person, it's natural to have some misgivings.

Cut yourself some slack. You're not abnormal and you're not wrong. It's absolutely nothing to worry about.

I get sick of all the hollywood crap that instills people with the idea that when you find that special someone, you'll never think of straying. That's just not how the real world works. The thing that defines who you are and validates your love is how you act on those impulses.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

match000

The ability to subordinate your impulses to your intrinsic values is a key skill that few people have. Its part being a proactive and not a reactive person.

alansmithee

I think I have some radical advice-get a divorce. Seriously. This isn't going to end well. You will either cheat on her, or get your desired multiple/different partners with her "approval" (i.e. her letting you and crying about it as an alternative to losing you). I say just make a break now. You're obviously not ready for monogamy, despite (supposedly) being in a monagomous relationship for 3 years prior to marriage. So just chalk this up to experience, and move on while you can still stand each other. Plus, since you're still fairly newly married, you can probably split now with a much better divorce settlement than two years down the line when she catches you in bed with her best friend(s).

Rodney

What Martian said.

I know a guy who literally stops dead in his tracks and bugs his eyes out every time he sees a goodlooking redhead. Redheads have always affected him that way; he doesn't seem to be able to help it. Nevertheless, he's happily married to a non-redhead, doesn't cheat and would never think of doing so. His wife just rolls her eyes when he has a redhead reaction in her presence.

In short, your brains are your brains and your balls are your balls; both of them have things to say to you and always will. Don't think there's something wrong with you because your balls are telling you something that your brain doesn't agree with. That's just the way life is. You've made a choice and, apparently, if given that choice again you wouldn't change a thing. You listened to your brain and frankly, that's always best.

Those fantasies about being with other women will never entirely go away -- I'm 50, and believe me they don't -- but when you accept that it's just a fantasy and not some deep message from your inner soul saying "YOU FUCKED UP," you'll stop worrying about them. And when you stop worrying about them, those fantasies become about as important as, say, what you had for breakfast this morning.

Cimarron29414

Married 6 years - and yes, I still occasionally think about other people. Generally, I use my fantasizing to improve my lust for my wife. I refocus my sexually energy back to her before it goes too far astray. What you are feeling is completely normal. The first three years of marriage is to define boundaries and "learn" how to be a spouse. That's why I would recommend to anyone to hold off children for three years. That way you can be a good spouse before you have to learn to be a parent.

If this really concerns you and you don't WANT to think about these fantasies, then refocus your thoughts: think of the look on your wife's face when she learns of your infidelity (assuming you took it to that level) or imagine what you would feel like finding out that your wife was unfaithful? Those images will turn off the fantasy pretty quickly, if that's what you want.

And for Christ's sake, don't get a divorce over this. Good Lord, we have all been here before and WE made it past it. Communicate, compromise, and always give more than you ask for.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Poppinjay

First you must learn to move the stone before you can raise the X-Wing.

Sorry, channeling Yoda there.

Use your imagination. Since marriage, I've had sex with a good dozen people, in my head. Goth girls, bad girls, farm girls... just to complete the stereotype. All while remaining monogamous. The best has been when my wife dyed her red, then when she dyed it black. Whenever we shop together and she buys hair color, I tend to say, "get the red.... get the red...."

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

danny_boy

Great advice from all...Thanks!!

Mantus

Poppinjay,

Raggedy Anne fetish?