Shauk

I don't think life was meant to be spent alone

I think this then why is the planet overwhelmed with square shaped people in my heart shaped world. Nothing fits to me

I've always been extremely picky, full of my high standards, I figure if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, then they had better have the long term qualities that I hold dear.


So upon reflection.


Upon a lot of reflection....

Why does it seem like I can't get this girl out of my head?

I dunno, It's like somewhere along the road of my life, we went down the wrong street and both of us are too stubborn to admit that maybe we should go back and try a different route because we held ourselves to such a high standard. Perfection. She wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world, but she was perfect, she wasn't the most sane, but she was perfect, we didn't always agree or see eye to eye, but she was perfect.

We spent 5 years together. I fucked things up and never proposed, she fucked things up and got scared at the thought that she was wasting her life with me and dumped me looking for a more goal oriented person, or a more confident person.

We still talk to this day, she still calls me, she still confides in me, we still talk about our past together, she still regrets everything she did, We miss each other.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS this shit haunts me. It cant be undone. But here I am a year later thinking "holy shit, I can't believe I still love this girl"


"whoo hoo" yeah, I can do better than her is the pep talk I expect to hear from anyone I talk to, but I honestly don't think so, because like I said, my standards are INCREDIBLE

It was actually something we discussed in depth during the breakup, that maybe we needed this time apart to figure out what we really had, to see if it was worth saving.

I really dunno...

I don't think I know what to do.

Shes my best friend in the world, the only person I can still talk to about anything, anything except this, that is.

She tried to get back with me before, but I was still angry at everything, that she didn't see her own stupid actions and the motives behind them. That I told her I was not a safety net for her if her "new life" didn't work out. I wrote her a letter before she officially left me, while we were still discussing our seperation, telling her how I saw things, how I saw them unfolding, how her pride would get the best of her, how she would force her new relationship to a sexual level even if it wasn't right for her emotionally. She called me up and let me know that everything I said was right.

I was intent on moving along with my life, but now, after a year of thinking about it, after her still being there for me though thick and thin, after dealing with shitty dates/relationships in the interim, I just miss her, and she misses me.

I need someone here to either smack some backbone in to me and tell me why this would be a horrible idea, or smack me and tell me to be honest with her.
I just suppose the worst that could happen is that she'd slam that door of opportunity in my face so I could finally force myself to move on for good. I guess I'm afraid of the pain of reality, since my fantasy of going back in time doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon.

I guess it would be easy to bury my feelings if she weren't still my best friend.

I dunno.

now, in order to "get me" emotionally you'd have to fire up the song "Come around" by Rhett Miller.

bleh, good morning, I haven't been to bed yet because this has been on my mind all night.

Cynthetiq

I have said this to many people...forgive yourself for your mistakes. After that, forgive her for hers.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Sultana

Well you know, people get back together after break ups/divorces all the time.

Like Cyn said, it is forgiveness on both ends is absolutely vital.

So is honesty. Why would we need to smack you to be honest with her? Maybe I'll just smack you anyway. Don't fear the pain, it can teach amazing lessons, *If You Pay Attention!*

Seems like you didn't really make a break from her though. I'm not doggin' you there, it must be an incredibly difficult thing to do, cut someone out of your life who's been such a huge part for so long.

And just a note, if your standards are so incredible, maybe you should think about applying them to yourself.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Plan9

Who do your standards really apply to?

...

Don't tear your heart out for another person.

Especially not more than once.

The Rule: Get some -> go again.

"Go again" implies someone else.

I'm learning this the hard way.

Who was it that said this? Pogo? "We have found the enemy... and the enemy is woman."

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

tooth

Seems to me that you can't let go cause you're still talking to her all the time.

There were reasons that you two broke up. Has any of that REALLY changed? Or are you merely looking for ways to just minimalize the old problems so that it seems that it "wasn't really all that bad"?

Shauk

I've gone again... the ride isn't fun anymore.

My standards apply to ethics, philosophy, spirituality, personal culture and discipline, intelligence to comprehend and discuss the aforementioned topics, cleanliness, I dunno, god, this list could go on for a long time, in any case... Considering the average woman I meet nowadays isn't interested in anything beyond getting her skank on at some dive bar, doesn't think about anything beyond her favorite characters in xyz daytime drama, or just plain is too insecure to discuss anything that would actually indicate "hey, I have a personality" I'm just burnt out on it. Basically, I tend to find the people who flock to the "meeting" areas for available people tend to be available for a reason. The ones that actually show any promise are taken.

I don't want to spawn this into some odd off topic thread but... I guess its like... I had something special to me, I hate the thought of comparing my ex to inanimate services but, its like being born with dialup, then having cable internet for 6 years, then losing it. like starting with a 13 inch monitor, getting and having a 17+ wide screen flat panel for 6 years, then having it taken away.

sure... youll "manage' just fine without those little perks, but god damn if it isn't painful when your standard of living just tanks the big one.

everyone I meet is like "hi, i'm dialup" and I just weep on the inside and question myself for days and day as if I'm being too judgemental or if people are really just that stupid.

tecoyah

Plain and simple.....Life is full of risks, and chances. Those who never take on the possible pain that comes from accepting risk (albeit measured and evaluated) will always be the ones who look back at "what could have been" and pity themselves the boring and unfulfilling lives they chose.
Once we decide to actually LIVE our lives,and walk a path that leads to adventure and experience we are well on our way to happiness, though pain and hurt are a part of happiness when it comes down to it as you can't have one without the other....period.

If it feels like a worthwhile experience....it likely is. And worst case scenario you look back a couple years from now and say "at least I tried".

Shauk

the reason we broke up is because she tolerated my trivialization of the importance she placed on marraige. It planted a seed of doubt in her that festered for about 2 years (she was putting the pressure on at 3 years)

She was being pretty patient, then someone online started making the moves on her, a guy several years younger than me, pre-med, and claiming a promising future and a lot of high fantasy. Apparently was good at saying "me too" a lot during her online conversations with him, which lead to her thinking that maybe she had found her "real" soulmate, someone who was more goal oriented (completely neglecting the fact that mommy and daddy are paying for his school, and his housing, and he doesn't even have a car) I told her she'd make believe whatever she wanted if it meant her trying to find true happiness since it wasn't me, because she couldn't see what was good about me anymore. (note: She DID break up with me before actually pursuing the relationship with him, she has integrity at least, likewise, when I saw her last weekend she told me not to expect anything to happen between us because she was still in a relationship with him, which I thought was odd of her to even mention, as if it were the only limiting factor or something)

Now that she has been with him (no later than 2 weeks after I moved out, at which point I was already in some rebound relationship so I really wasn't listening anymore) she pretty much told me again and again everything he had done wrong, and I repeatedly told her to not talk to me about it because it just made me angry that she chose to be wronged like that when she wanted to actually be happy (which is what I wanted for her, I wished them both the best)




In the interim I haven't just been going "ho-hum, I'll wait for it to fall apart", I actively sought out new relationships, participated in them to different levels, but none of them scratch the depth I achieved with my ex.

She even says she feels far more comfortable with me than with him, she calls ME up when she wants someone to talk to about important things, about what she should do with her life, about her regrets, about work, about anything.

I dunno, every attempt previously that she's made to get back together with me I've stopped cold in its tracks, I've told her NOT to come see me, to NOT make that 4 hour trip, to NOT talk to me about stuff like that.

annnd, well, I dunno, I have that thread how I outlined moving to seattle and all that.

It's just a fucked up coincidence because I had planned on moving to seattle 6 years ago before I even met her, and she wanted to move to portland, we never moved either way because we couldn't commit to something that would sqaush the other persons goal (so both of us remained mediocre, but not GREAT and HAPPY that we were fulfilling goals)
the guy she met online lives in seattle and she moved over there after I moved out to go live over there and see him more often, but she actually sees him far less than she used to (because he doesn't really want to see her anymore) she got rejected by the school he's in (oh btw mr pre-med is failing his classes) and well, her "soul-mate" and high fantasy that mr romeo online was portraying all turned to a pretty basic craptastic reality that I knew from the start.

Of course, females (is that sexist?) listen to thier heart more than thier heads, or, at least she does.

so now she's in that fun little pickle.

I dunno, I just worry that all the repeated rejection by me thru out the last year may have crushed whatever hopes she had of "fixing her mistake" which, to me was the only punishment in my power to dole out to her for making a stupid decision like that (does that mean i'm manipulating and petty?)

I dunno. I think I have a right as far as being so disappointed in what she has chosen to do. But it doesnt change how I feel about her. It was just kinda hard for me because I really was planning on marrying her. *shrug*

I dunno.

thats why this is so hard, I told myself I'd never take her back, but that was before I realized what I had, I figured all women could provide somewhat thought provoking discussion. Perhaps TFP spoiled my perception. (note to self, go hang out in stupid people chat rooms on yahoo or something to get real world perspective)

christ, I dunno.

ShaniFaye

explain to me again why you dont tell her all this stuff...right now

what are you waiting for? search your mind and figure out exactly why you are "stopping her in her tracks" if she is so "great"?

Many people have relationships, break up and realize what it was that was wrong and realize it either really wasnt "wrong" you just had the wrong perspective on it, or grow up and realize that some things are just more important than others....and get back together to have healthy productive relationships.

Are you at a place now where you wouldnt trivialize marriage? Because if you arent then it IS a good thing you're keeping y'all from getting back together

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Shauk

I don't wanna tell her yet because she's coming to visit this weekend and she's still in her relationship with that guy. I don't wanna make for an awkward visit if the conversation doesn't go well :\

I can just be her friend for a while.

I guess in the end I'll have to have this talk with her though cuz *sigh* I wont be able to move on unless one of us crushes the other person in a way that says "stop holding on to that shred of hope, all is lost"

james t kirk

"In the end, emotion always wins over reason" - Denny Crane (seriously)

Sounds to me like you are in love with her, so why don't you move to that end. Forget about the other guy, he's not your concern. (I wasn't aware that there was such a course as "pre-med" by the way.)

The only thing I'm concerned about is that if you DO succeed in getting her back that you won't just repeat breaking up with her again thereby doing more harm to her.

Gonth

I second kirk. Ignore the other guy. You need to do what is best for you and this is apparently tearing you up.

In my experience just to get it off your chest will make you feel enormously better no matter how the conversation goes. Yes it could go badly, but it could also go amazingly well. Instead of wondering about it just do it. No matter what happens you have changed the situation and moved forward. Right now you are in limbo worrying about it which is why, I believe, it is bothering you so much.

I know that for me, if I have no control over a situation, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much. Right now you are in control. She has no idea how you feel and as such cannot react to it. If you tell her everything it is now completely up to her what happens. For me at least that would be a huge load off my shoulders.

But I don’t know your personality, maybe it would just bother you more that way. I just feel like you are in limbo waiting for her to react to feelings that she doesn’t know you have.

__________________
You are the most important person in your world

Craven Morehead

If you can't tell her, then copy your posts and email them to her. I suspect she won't be surprised.

However, are you prepared to take the 'next step' if you get back together? If you aren't then walk away. You know what's involved, what she'll expect, eventually.

Plan9

... does the truth ever really work?

Dunno! Might be propaganda.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Shauk

yeah thats the thing, I'm pretty much petrified of the thought of re-entering a relationship with her.

As bad as that sounds, I think it's only natural considering how much pain I felt when I had to accept the truth that she was chosing someone over me.

She called me up today for her drive over and we talked about stuff like philosophy and our perception of events. I told her how sad I felt, how much I hated that I live with 3 other people that I have nothing in common with, who are supposed to be my friends but they are people I don't talk to, and how my only good, and best friend in the world is my ex gf (her) and she said "yeah, thats where things stand with me too"

at this point we had been on the phone for like an hour, and she started going off about how her 13 minute phone call to her current BF is mostly silence because he doesn't connect with her like I do, how he makes fun of her for her silliest little sleep deprived mistakes like typing something wrong.

She's admittedly unhappy.

I guess she's going to come over tomorrow before I go to work so we can go for a walk around our old routine route. She's been "homesick" because this is where her family is, her aquantances are, and (she hasn't said this but... if she's going to call me her best friend) where I am.

I dunno, I figure a 4 mile walk around a trail should give us plenty of time to talk as long as I launch right into whats on my mind. *shrug*

She would still have a lot to do to reconnect with me here if anything I say actually reaches her on an emotional level. leaving her job, leaving her boyfriend, and coming back here, she already made that kind of sacrifice for someone she barely knew, I really don't know if she'd face that risk again, and I really can't paint a pretty picture for her because I'm completely honest and couldn't promise a flawless relationship, other than my undying effort to make it work, just because thats who I am.

Ourcrazymodern?

Have you ever heard the phrase

"Shit or get off the pot."?

...just pruriently curious.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

katyg

I am sure you aren't a perfect person, no one is, so why do you expect perfection from a partner?

You fall in love with people you fall in love with, I don't feel you choose necessarily. 'Love is learning to see an imperfect person perfectly'. I don't want to make you feel bad but I do think it's slightly immature to view love as simply wish fulfillment - it's not that simple. You don't ask the universe for a perfect person and they turn up, you fall for someone and then you work to make a life with them, accept their faults and small differences and enjoy the journey. Forgive yourself for the past and if you really love her...and accept her and aren't 'settling' in some way for her then go for it!
xx

Sultana

Despite the fact that I do think we can choose, to a point, who we fall for, this is a beautiful post.

Shauk: yes, either shit or get off the pot (said gently). Afraid that getting back with her will hurt you? dude, you're hurting now. If you can truely grow past this episode, then maybe you both may have a shot.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

ShaniFaye

I honestly think you should move past the "her chasing some other guy thing" remind me again how many years she gave you with you pretty much laughing her desire of marriage in her face? Seems to me she was able to stick with you a lot and thought you worth it enough to make the commitment to want to marry you....

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

hagatha

katyg pretty much summed it up beautifully. Do you know how many lonely middle aged men are online still looking for "the one"? Do you wish to join their ranks someday?
You will never find perfection among humans...

__________________
Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

RenaissanceII

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace"

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin


I Wish You Well.

ngdawg

Funny how sometimes maturity has to catch up to everything else....then, when it does, we become adept at kicking our own asses.
Come clean. What's the worst that could happen? You'd be right where you are now...but think of the possibility of the best that could happen...

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

xepherys

Shauk, man... *smack*

Listen, there's two very important things at stake here. Your heart being the first, and the heart of the girl you are obviously very in love with being the second. If you've detailed things here honestly, than what more advice can you be seeking than that which you already know. Sure, you're a bit scared. Maybe you're scared she'll say no. Rejection always hurts. Maybe you're scared she'll say yes, in which case despite all your desires you may not know how to handle things. But, love is love, and having a definite defined friendship behind it only helps, not hinders.

Listen, we all make mistakes. We all have standards. We all have ideal ideas in our very insignificant human brains. Those ideals intertwine with our hearts, and we aren't always able to really make sense of things. Questioning yourself, however, only leads to unfulfilled wishes. Tell her! Tell her everything! Tell her that you adore her friendship, that you are so happy that you've been able to stay close. Tell her also, though, that you are still head over heels in love with her, that you endure sleepless nights wondering about being with her again. Tell her that bygones can be bygones and that you feel you both deserve another chance to be with each other.

Shauk, after several very long relationships that ended in very bad breakups, I learned something very important when I met my wife. You just have to go with it. No matter what your mind may be saying, if your heart says it's time... then it's time!

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-- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato

My Homepage

Shauk

so without diving into eleven billion details, she just sent me a text randomly asking if we fought a lot when we 1st started dating. Basically tipping me off that she was comparing our relationship to her new one.

I gotta wonder, how high did I set the bar for her if she needs to compare us side by side all the time? Apparently they almost broke up again tonight *shrug*

So I just flat out asked her if she misses our relationship or something since she appeared to be trying to draw yet another comparison out of it.

I basically just realize that since I can't get over her since we still interact all the time and that she really IS my best friend..... I told her that I'm not sure that its a good idea if we still remain friends, for the sake of my emotions and then I explained why...

conversation ensues, fast forward, she says she still loves me, that she misses me, that I'm her best friend, but that she doesn't think of us "sexually" anymore.

at that point I just quit talking to her because I guess my poor ego was just like "blah, how can I compare "sexually" to someone who's chiseled to look like a human version of in her own words, the statue of david. (at which point my friend was more than happy to leap and and say BUT THE STATUE OF DAVID HAS A SMALL PEEPEE, god bless my friends)

anyways, more texts follow after that saying she honestly questions why she's with him when I'm always the one who supports her emotionally when she's having a really hard time, but that she is attatched to him which has her questioning if she just really WANTS to be unhappy

(fucking doesn't make any sense to me, but whatever)

at this point I'm still at work but when I get home I just dump it all out there pretty much summing up everything i've said in this thread.

She clammed up and basically just said she needs time to think and sort everything out because she really just may have to make a decision instead of getting half a relationship from him in the sack and the rest of the relationship from me emotionally and intellectually.

MrFriendly

Aaaaaaaaaaw man, everything I read in this just reminds me of so many painful experiences I've had myself.

It's tough, it's real tough, but all you can do is what you've already done man. Just put your cards on the table and show your hand.

Sometimes you wish you could hate them, and just walk away. That would make it all so much simpler. But you don't hate them, you still love them, and the thought of them not being in your life slays you. Yet, them being in your life, especially when you both openly admit to having feelings for each other is a tough path to walk.

There isn't anything I can say to you that will help you or be of any use. So all I will say is I feel for yu.

Man, seriously, I hope you work it out with her.

Just remember, nothing truly worth having comes easy.

Take care mate

__________________
You are not a slave

Shauk

Yeah I just basically feel like as long as she's "being my friend" it's just drudging up my past.

She seems to have made her choice though since she hasn't talked to me since I laid it out for her. She's been wiped from my contacts. It should have been done a long time ago, I apparently lack the knife in my personality that lets me turn on and off how I feel, and I lack the tolerance in my life to be hopeful for a wishy little dream that seems forever out of my reach.

I pretty much feel like i'm breaking up with her this time, which is how it should be. You can't claim to love me while doing this to me emotionally and just continuing to tell me how it is "SO MISERABLE" for you to be with your so called soulmate. You can't sit there and fuck some other guy and tell me you love me, thats bullshit.

I mean yeah I don't doubt that there is a human capacity to love more than one person but I can honestly say she doesn't love me like I love(d) her or this would be a non-issue.

fuck man... just... fuck.

whatever.

time to let it fade... I can't deal with it.

ShaniFaye

I dont think one day is giving her time, but that may just be me

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Shauk

well she could have said anything really.

I wasn't really asking her to make a decision yet.

but anyways, i think i made the post a lil prematurely.

bits and peices of the conversation after I texted her.


Her: so you don't want to talk to me again?

Shauk: what I want and what I think I may have to do are 2 different things. no one wants to be an amputee, for example.

Her: i dunno, i just panicked when you sent me that text
the thought of never talking to you again...
i don't know, i just can't imagine that
it's like this emptiness

Shauk: I didn't want any of this, I thought you did but I'm not so sure anymore.

Her: I know, I thought I did too, but when it comes down to it, you mean more to me than he does.


>>Fast forward<<

Her: I'm really suprised we're having this conversation 9 months after we broke up, our relationship is on a weird longass timeline.

Shauk: Well, you said if we were meant to be, we'd be.

Her: I don't know if I'm ready to take that step though.

Shauk: I dunno, there was just a serious problem when you visited me last time, for me, i mean.

Her: ?

Shauk: Like when you opened my car door to let me in and you kinda looked back up at me over your sholder, it was something like that which I would have normally went in for a kiss, and I had the urge, or when we went on our walk and our hands kept bumping and I just wanted to hold on. I was just like "fuck, fuck fuck fuck, this isn't good"

Her: Why are guys always nice to you until they catch you and then lose interest? this is like 9 months ago only things are totally reversed. you're being nice to me and caring about me and he's being jerky now

Shauk: I was being jerky back then? bah, well, look, i don't know what you want to do but it's like this. Look at it from your own angle, i'm not trying to deliver and ultimatum, i'm trying to find closure I guess, at least you know, that or some other semi conclusive ending. Either way you have to cut someone out of the picture. You have emotions for 2 people, it's poisoning you just like it poisons me, you can't be in a relationship when you have the feelings for me that you do, and I can't move on when I have the feelings for you that I do.

Her: I don't want to lose either of you, but i'm closer to you.


>>Fast forward<<


Shauk: Sorry for my text, I was just emotionally vulnerable after putting myself out there like that

Her: It's ok, I should have responded.. I'm really tired though

(at this point it's 4 am and she has to get up at 9 and has been talking to me for a lil over 2 hours)

Shauk: alright then, have a good rest, get back to me whenever I guess.

Her: It's definitely on my mind.





and... fin.


obviously I didn't want to post a 2 hour long conversation here so I just summarized.


I'm scared now, I feel like I'm reading too much into what she's saying.
like i'm setting myself up to make it harder to cut loose if she does decide against things.

*sigh* I guess if it works it will work.

tooth

It's time for you to really decide what it is you want from her.

Do you just want to be friends? Do you want her back as a girlfriend? Do you want to have and hold her till death do you part?

Decide what that really is. What your expectations of her are. Decide what you are willing to offer her in exchange. Spell those things out to her in no uncertain terms, and then walk away until such time that she is ready to commit to the relationship that you are wanting with her.

Call it making demands. Call it an ultimatum if you will.

I would call it setting expectations and personal boundaries in a relationship. If she is not commited to meeting your needs, respecting your boundaries, and accepting what it is that you are offering to her in return, then there is no relationship.

It needs to be equitable, or it won't work. Right now she is sitting on a fence getting some of her needs met by you, others by "soulmate" boy. All the while disrespecting both of you. It's time for her to shit or get off the pot.

Cynthetiq

I'm going to take a different approach. I'm going to lump this with your Seattle movement.

It's time for you to decide just what to do to move your life forward. Do you keep what has and is holding you back in the past (friends, family, roommates, girlfriend, Idaho,) or do you put it all aside and move forward to what you believe will provide you the most opportunity? You can always retrieve true friends once you've established yourself.

For some reason I'm reminded of a song from Rush, Freewill. If you attach yourself to this individual will you still be able to truly persue the things you've stated you wanted? Or will you compromise them in some fashion so that you could be together?

You dipped your toe into the water... it's your move to either jump into the water or continue to stand on the sidelines.

good luck!

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

abaya

I'd say either make the move and be in a relationship, or cut your losses and stop all contact with her, for the foreseeable future. I see no other way through this.

I guess I'm one who doesn't think men and women can easily handle being "best friends" without one person ending up with a crush and becoming the Cuddle Bitch (and yes, it happened to me, and I was a Cuddle Bitch for way too long... reflected my lack of self-esteem, in hindsight).

So, do you want to be a Cuddle Bitch? If you don't, then do something about it, or make her decide, and quick. Don't just sit around putting out emotionally for someone, for an extended period of time, if she/he isn't willing to be there 100% for you in a reciprocal, committed way.

My two cents and all that.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Cynthetiq

for some reason when I read this pictured you like Lou Gosset Jr. in Officer and a Gentleman... with the hat and uniform... pacing back and forth.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Shauk

yeah I dunno, my attempt at moving to seattle was kinda kicked in the face. Basically I didn't get any bites (i'm really not that marketable) and I got picked up locally for a job in the mean time. the more I think about leaving the area the more it just comes to seem like i'm more or less just unhappy with my roomates than the actual area. Part of the conversation yesterday was about how the guy she's with is just like her, and she hates that. Pretty much the philosophy, that which you dislike in others is what you really dislike about yourself. She's dealing with the same hurt that she doled out to me, She says every relationship is a "lesson" and its kinda funny because while she's dating herself in a way and realizing how much she hurt others in her past for it, i'm living with 3 carbon copies of who I used to be, who she broke up with, and it's so crystal clear why I can't get along with them. Because they are the old me, the old me that was responsible for letting a relationship fall aside.


As far as my previous postings, I know I'm wishy washy as hell. "I'm going to do this!" "meh, i changed my mind" but wisdom tends to override impulse once I've had time to think it over.


I dont know

in all honesty there doesn't seem to be any right answers. Theres no set way to live my life. I really cant see myself getting over her if I don't cut her off, and I don't see myself having a happy perfect ending if she wants to try again. Either way seems like it will be really hard in one way or another.

I just feel like i'd have someone to help take a constructive approach to my life if she was with me, and likewise I'd have something worthwhile to do in helping her take a constructive approach with hers.

We both want the same things in the end.

Cynthetiq

Well, that's what I was saying in the about the Rules. Conversely what you love in others is what you love in yourself

anyways, my statement wasn't to make a move to Seattle, but to make a choice or decision of some sort. If you choose to not decide you still have made a choice.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Shauk

so i've been sitting on this for a week now.

the hows and whys of this are kinda bugging me, my wants may be trying to override my instinct.

Basically, she broke up with the guy, he's been a dickhole beyond all reconcilliation and now she's suspecting that he's been cheating on her since she found out that he has cheated on 2 exes already (the guy is 20, talk about a short attention span)

so she got THAT through her head that yeah, he was all lies and blah blah blah everything I said about him came true and smacked her in the face like a brick.

this all happened shortly after our talk so now she's "hinting" again.

although, this is the "hint" if you can call it that.....

she wants me to move in with her.





yeah.....



my reaction was a bit "whoooooaaaa what?"

I told her to sit on that thought and we'd talk it out later. she later says she didn't really think it through, theres not really room for my stuff in the house, theres no extra rooms, (but she did say I could stay in her room on the 1st night of this offer which sent me reeling)


So yeah here are my "wants"

I "want" to believe that she is the kind of person to realize that she made a huge error in her judgement.
I "want" to relocate to seattle
I "want" her to actually feel the same about things between us if they do start up again.

I don't trust any of the above is actually true or sincere is my 1st reaction. I'm making a trip next week to visit and have a little face to face sit-down and see just what the hell is going on in her head. I'm definately going to hold off for a few months and see if she's not just trying to rebound. I'm not gonna set myself up to get hurt again if I don't trust her intentions are sincere.


it's so confusing. I mean we talked it out later and she completely withdrew from the "gungho" attitude she had a few days prior (going from offering me her room, to offering her couch, from offering me room-mate status, to offering me a "staging ground" to get my own place)

she admitted she was being selfish and just wanted a good friend to be close by, and I admit that would be a mutual benefit.

I dunno, its kind of a fucked up tug of war now. when she wants me back, I push her away because I remember the pain, maybe vice versa, who knows.

I feel ultimately ashamed that I still feel the way about her as I do. After someone just turns thier back on a 5 year relationship, I don't understand how I could just consider even going to talk things out with her, but I am.

christ, what a ballbuster.

FallenAvatar

This comes down to something simple. Ex's are ex's for a reason. Let her go for a bit. Call her in 6 months or a year. Go from there.

__________________
Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

ItWasMe

I wish I could give you a hint of what is in her head, but I haven't a clue. I'm hoping for the best and I wish you well.

__________________
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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Shauk

it's been 10 months

Sultana

6 more months.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Cynthetiq

why not 6 months of not talking to her and going about your business working, meeting girls, making a life for yourself, and then after that point, talk to her again, and see if the feelings are still there?

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.