Shauk

the reason we broke up is because she tolerated my trivialization of the importance she placed on marraige. It planted a seed of doubt in her that festered for about 2 years (she was putting the pressure on at 3 years)

She was being pretty patient, then someone online started making the moves on her, a guy several years younger than me, pre-med, and claiming a promising future and a lot of high fantasy. Apparently was good at saying "me too" a lot during her online conversations with him, which lead to her thinking that maybe she had found her "real" soulmate, someone who was more goal oriented (completely neglecting the fact that mommy and daddy are paying for his school, and his housing, and he doesn't even have a car) I told her she'd make believe whatever she wanted if it meant her trying to find true happiness since it wasn't me, because she couldn't see what was good about me anymore. (note: She DID break up with me before actually pursuing the relationship with him, she has integrity at least, likewise, when I saw her last weekend she told me not to expect anything to happen between us because she was still in a relationship with him, which I thought was odd of her to even mention, as if it were the only limiting factor or something)

Now that she has been with him (no later than 2 weeks after I moved out, at which point I was already in some rebound relationship so I really wasn't listening anymore) she pretty much told me again and again everything he had done wrong, and I repeatedly told her to not talk to me about it because it just made me angry that she chose to be wronged like that when she wanted to actually be happy (which is what I wanted for her, I wished them both the best)




In the interim I haven't just been going "ho-hum, I'll wait for it to fall apart", I actively sought out new relationships, participated in them to different levels, but none of them scratch the depth I achieved with my ex.

She even says she feels far more comfortable with me than with him, she calls ME up when she wants someone to talk to about important things, about what she should do with her life, about her regrets, about work, about anything.

I dunno, every attempt previously that she's made to get back together with me I've stopped cold in its tracks, I've told her NOT to come see me, to NOT make that 4 hour trip, to NOT talk to me about stuff like that.

annnd, well, I dunno, I have that thread how I outlined moving to seattle and all that.

It's just a fucked up coincidence because I had planned on moving to seattle 6 years ago before I even met her, and she wanted to move to portland, we never moved either way because we couldn't commit to something that would sqaush the other persons goal (so both of us remained mediocre, but not GREAT and HAPPY that we were fulfilling goals)
the guy she met online lives in seattle and she moved over there after I moved out to go live over there and see him more often, but she actually sees him far less than she used to (because he doesn't really want to see her anymore) she got rejected by the school he's in (oh btw mr pre-med is failing his classes) and well, her "soul-mate" and high fantasy that mr romeo online was portraying all turned to a pretty basic craptastic reality that I knew from the start.

Of course, females (is that sexist?) listen to thier heart more than thier heads, or, at least she does.

so now she's in that fun little pickle.

I dunno, I just worry that all the repeated rejection by me thru out the last year may have crushed whatever hopes she had of "fixing her mistake" which, to me was the only punishment in my power to dole out to her for making a stupid decision like that (does that mean i'm manipulating and petty?)

I dunno. I think I have a right as far as being so disappointed in what she has chosen to do. But it doesnt change how I feel about her. It was just kinda hard for me because I really was planning on marrying her. *shrug*

I dunno.

thats why this is so hard, I told myself I'd never take her back, but that was before I realized what I had, I figured all women could provide somewhat thought provoking discussion. Perhaps TFP spoiled my perception. (note to self, go hang out in stupid people chat rooms on yahoo or something to get real world perspective)

christ, I dunno.